I Feel Alive Again
November 18, 2005
I think waking up earlier than usual on my free day to go to jury duty yesterday actually made me feel alive. Or maybe it was the fact that I can’t serve because they still have me registered for Manhattan service when I’ve been living in Brooklyn for almost a year. And it will take King’s County about another year before they catch up with me again. Ha ha ha…I have managed to get out of jury duty for the sixth time. It would probably be interesting to serve on a trial, but that’s something I’d rather do when I am more financially stable. I can’t afford to be stuck on a trial and miss days of work. Because 1) I won’t be paid for not being there, 2) My schedule would be seriously screwed up (basically I’d barely have any hours) by the time I’d come back, and 3) I wouldn’t be able to pay for rent, utilities, groceries, phone bill and credit debt from when I bought my laptop last year and couldn’t make payment because I got kicked out of my house and had to save all my money so I could rent a room. Oh well forget about all that. The Manhattan courts are right next to my school, Pace University. I truly miss working in that area. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that I dedicated almost four years of my life there, the friends I made, the experiences I had and the safety and escape from home life that I found there. So much happened there. I can’t believe I did most of the things I’ve done. They just seem so distant and unreal.
I had such an urge to get things done yesterday. I walked over the New Amsterdam Library and paid off the $15 fine that I’ve had on my account since I resigned from NYPL-circa August 2003. Damn, I just realized that I have not been to a library in a long while. Maybe I’ll go sign up for a new card and check out some art books like I used to do.
I feel alive today. This is the first time I have felt this way in a long while. For months, I was restless and overworked because paying rent was the sole thing on my mind. And, in the end, after working three jobs and working almost 90 hours a week, I had no money to show for it. However, I do have a beautiful cat name Plunket that I adopted from the shelter I had worked at for seven months. He was two and a half months when I first met him and now he is almost a year old.
…..
Yesterday was very productive. Maybe somehow yesterday unlocked the door to a months’ long episode of depression and being unmotivated and wanting to hide from everyone. I feel as if I want to create and experience things again. I want to be out there again. In fact this is the longest journal entry that I have written in forever. There’s an urge to get up and do things now. I’ve been hanging out with and catching up with friends rather than just working 11 hours and a day and going straight home to sleep.
I feel as if I am regaining a sense of personal, artistic, social, mental, emotional and spiritual (I’m starting to focus on elemental magic again) productivity. And, also a sense of purpose. This is going to be fun. Well I have to go get other things done. I’ll write more about my progress later.
I think waking up earlier than usual on my free day to go to jury duty yesterday actually made me feel alive. Or maybe it was the fact that I can’t serve because they still have me registered for Manhattan service when I’ve been living in Brooklyn for almost a year. And it will take King’s County about another year before they catch up with me again. Ha ha ha…I have managed to get out of jury duty for the sixth time. It would probably be interesting to serve on a trial, but that’s something I’d rather do when I am more financially stable. I can’t afford to be stuck on a trial and miss days of work. Because 1) I won’t be paid for not being there, 2) My schedule would be seriously screwed up (basically I’d barely have any hours) by the time I’d come back, and 3) I wouldn’t be able to pay for rent, utilities, groceries, phone bill and credit debt from when I bought my laptop last year and couldn’t make payment because I got kicked out of my house and had to save all my money so I could rent a room. Oh well forget about all that. The Manhattan courts are right next to my school, Pace University. I truly miss working in that area. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that I dedicated almost four years of my life there, the friends I made, the experiences I had and the safety and escape from home life that I found there. So much happened there. I can’t believe I did most of the things I’ve done. They just seem so distant and unreal.
I had such an urge to get things done yesterday. I walked over the New Amsterdam Library and paid off the $15 fine that I’ve had on my account since I resigned from NYPL-circa August 2003. Damn, I just realized that I have not been to a library in a long while. Maybe I’ll go sign up for a new card and check out some art books like I used to do.
I feel alive today. This is the first time I have felt this way in a long while. For months, I was restless and overworked because paying rent was the sole thing on my mind. And, in the end, after working three jobs and working almost 90 hours a week, I had no money to show for it. However, I do have a beautiful cat name Plunket that I adopted from the shelter I had worked at for seven months. He was two and a half months when I first met him and now he is almost a year old.
…..
Yesterday was very productive. Maybe somehow yesterday unlocked the door to a months’ long episode of depression and being unmotivated and wanting to hide from everyone. I feel as if I want to create and experience things again. I want to be out there again. In fact this is the longest journal entry that I have written in forever. There’s an urge to get up and do things now. I’ve been hanging out with and catching up with friends rather than just working 11 hours and a day and going straight home to sleep.
I feel as if I am regaining a sense of personal, artistic, social, mental, emotional and spiritual (I’m starting to focus on elemental magic again) productivity. And, also a sense of purpose. This is going to be fun. Well I have to go get other things done. I’ll write more about my progress later.