a sad entry
behind this cut is a long pathetic emo entry.
right now i kind of feel like i suck at life. blah. i just got home from work about 15 minutes ago. i had an epiphany at work tonight. i was standing at the backwaiter station area, and i was so exhausted, and i looked up at the metalwork ceiling, the light in the bar was dim, and i thought to myself: you have a degree in politics and chemistry from the most expensive school in the united states, and you're bussing tables. but the whole sucking at life thing comes from many factors.
i suck with money. i suck with boys (oh ha. ha.). i suck with jobs. i suck with school. i suck at keeping my apartment clean. i worked all night basically for no reason. i just came home to a dirty, empty apartment which feels like a microcosm of my dirty, empty life.
i fear going to bed every night because i hate that i'm alone. so much so that i don't go to bed until i absolutely cannot keep my eyes open anymore. sometimes i sleep on the futon because it's smaller so i feel less alone than in my bed. i don't sleep well at night at all. you know how sometimes in the middle of the night you can't find your covers or your baby blanket or other treasured/necessary sleep item? so you kind of grope around for it in the dark while still 98% asleep. and you wake up about 5% for every minute that you can't find what you're looking for? until you're so annoyed that you can't pull the covers up/find your baby blanket/teddy bear/whatever that you wake up completely and open your eyes to find it? i do that every night except he's not here anymore and he won't be. so i wake up in the middle of the night. and i wake up repeatedly until it's morning and i just get out of bed as soon as the sun comes up because i can't take it. i can't take groping around all the time for something that's not here. because it's so utterly disappointing every time. every time i open my eyes my bed is empty. even when someone else is in it, it still feels empty. wrapped in someone elses arms, i still feel empty.
and i've been here soooo many times before and i know this feeling goes away but the fucking problem is that it takes me a really long time to forget how much this hurts. and i have to forget in order to let myself be vulnerable again. so it's like...every time i get hurt i'm doomed to a whole year of emptiness until i've been numb for so long that i forget how bad the hurt is.
i know myself too well and not well enough at the same time. i know that when something doesn't go the way i want it to i look at everything in my life negatively.
i can't bring myself to listen to some things anymore. it's weird. i tried to listen to madonna's new album the other day but i couldn't. i turned it on and the sounds just reminded me too much of the winter. i played it out, but more than that. i can't explain it. i can listen to this death cab song but i can't listen to anything else on the playlist that he made on my computer. it just makes me cry.
i can't make it through a whole day at work without crying. i want to get out of the house but i don't. i want to see people but as soon as i'm with them i want to be alone. but then the second i'm alone i wish they would come back. looking people in the eye is hard. when i leave my apartment i'm terrified that i'll run into somebody i know on the street. like TERRIFIED. i don't like having to be fake. i don't want to smile at people. i don't want them to ask me how i am when all they expect to get is an "oh i'm good, how are you?" i was so happy it was raining the other day so i could put my hood on and carry an umbrella. i carried it so low that i couldn't even see 3 feet in front of me. but it was nice because i knew nobody could see me.
i remember walking away from travis' apartment one time and this song was playing on my headphones and i started crying because i realized that i would follow him into the dark. if only our hands were clasped tight, i would. last night i dreamt that he was leading me somewhere, holding my hand. and i felt so happy and i trusted him. and then i woke up.
this is a really random entry. this is one of the bad days that i knew i would have. WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG
the sun is going to come up soon. sometimes i think it would be great if i got hit by a car. then it wouldn't be my fault if i failed at life. then nobody could blame me for having a sucky life. but if i have a sucky life as it is, it's all my fault. do you ever worry that you've already had the best you're going to have, and that it's all downhill from here?
i have the next two days off of work and i'm so afraid that i'm just going to end up festering in my apartment and not leaving. i've come down with a cold. i miss my mom. i wish there were someone who could reliably tell me everything's going to be okay. but it's not necessarily, and the fear of facing the unknown alone is barely bearably unbearable.
i've been writing this for an hour now. it's 5am. i don't have anything to look forward to in the morning.
right now i kind of feel like i suck at life. blah. i just got home from work about 15 minutes ago. i had an epiphany at work tonight. i was standing at the backwaiter station area, and i was so exhausted, and i looked up at the metalwork ceiling, the light in the bar was dim, and i thought to myself: you have a degree in politics and chemistry from the most expensive school in the united states, and you're bussing tables. but the whole sucking at life thing comes from many factors.
i suck with money. i suck with boys (oh ha. ha.). i suck with jobs. i suck with school. i suck at keeping my apartment clean. i worked all night basically for no reason. i just came home to a dirty, empty apartment which feels like a microcosm of my dirty, empty life.
i fear going to bed every night because i hate that i'm alone. so much so that i don't go to bed until i absolutely cannot keep my eyes open anymore. sometimes i sleep on the futon because it's smaller so i feel less alone than in my bed. i don't sleep well at night at all. you know how sometimes in the middle of the night you can't find your covers or your baby blanket or other treasured/necessary sleep item? so you kind of grope around for it in the dark while still 98% asleep. and you wake up about 5% for every minute that you can't find what you're looking for? until you're so annoyed that you can't pull the covers up/find your baby blanket/teddy bear/whatever that you wake up completely and open your eyes to find it? i do that every night except he's not here anymore and he won't be. so i wake up in the middle of the night. and i wake up repeatedly until it's morning and i just get out of bed as soon as the sun comes up because i can't take it. i can't take groping around all the time for something that's not here. because it's so utterly disappointing every time. every time i open my eyes my bed is empty. even when someone else is in it, it still feels empty. wrapped in someone elses arms, i still feel empty.
and i've been here soooo many times before and i know this feeling goes away but the fucking problem is that it takes me a really long time to forget how much this hurts. and i have to forget in order to let myself be vulnerable again. so it's like...every time i get hurt i'm doomed to a whole year of emptiness until i've been numb for so long that i forget how bad the hurt is.
i know myself too well and not well enough at the same time. i know that when something doesn't go the way i want it to i look at everything in my life negatively.
i can't bring myself to listen to some things anymore. it's weird. i tried to listen to madonna's new album the other day but i couldn't. i turned it on and the sounds just reminded me too much of the winter. i played it out, but more than that. i can't explain it. i can listen to this death cab song but i can't listen to anything else on the playlist that he made on my computer. it just makes me cry.
i can't make it through a whole day at work without crying. i want to get out of the house but i don't. i want to see people but as soon as i'm with them i want to be alone. but then the second i'm alone i wish they would come back. looking people in the eye is hard. when i leave my apartment i'm terrified that i'll run into somebody i know on the street. like TERRIFIED. i don't like having to be fake. i don't want to smile at people. i don't want them to ask me how i am when all they expect to get is an "oh i'm good, how are you?" i was so happy it was raining the other day so i could put my hood on and carry an umbrella. i carried it so low that i couldn't even see 3 feet in front of me. but it was nice because i knew nobody could see me.
i remember walking away from travis' apartment one time and this song was playing on my headphones and i started crying because i realized that i would follow him into the dark. if only our hands were clasped tight, i would. last night i dreamt that he was leading me somewhere, holding my hand. and i felt so happy and i trusted him. and then i woke up.
this is a really random entry. this is one of the bad days that i knew i would have. WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG
the sun is going to come up soon. sometimes i think it would be great if i got hit by a car. then it wouldn't be my fault if i failed at life. then nobody could blame me for having a sucky life. but if i have a sucky life as it is, it's all my fault. do you ever worry that you've already had the best you're going to have, and that it's all downhill from here?
i have the next two days off of work and i'm so afraid that i'm just going to end up festering in my apartment and not leaving. i've come down with a cold. i miss my mom. i wish there were someone who could reliably tell me everything's going to be okay. but it's not necessarily, and the fear of facing the unknown alone is barely bearably unbearable.
i've been writing this for an hour now. it's 5am. i don't have anything to look forward to in the morning.