(no subject)
Marymorgan always inspires me to write when I read her journal entries but it always frustrates me because I can't write as well as her.
So thanks.
I am stuck at home. But I guess it isn’t that bad. Mostly I just miss Ian a lot. If he were here, home wouldn’t be so sad. I am just bored.
I have a special doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 9:50 with a new doctor. It makes me nervous. He is a man. That is why.
I am going to Holden in about 3 days. But unfortunately I am not all that excited. I just shouldn’t make rash decisions when I am up there… or just no decisions at all. Everyone seems to go there to gain clarity and discern what their next life choice is going to be…but I say fuck that. There is something wonky about the air that makes me feel invincible. Or like time can just stop. Or like nothing about the outside world is going to change while I am there. Last time I was there I decided to become a minimalist and drop out of school and move to Bellingham to make money and then go bum around Europe for a while after working the summer as a Snack Bar Queen of the village. Does that not sound like a decision made in a hookah circle on crack? Yes.
Now I will just be waiting for the next thing to happen: Fall and a life happily enough ever after with Ian. Then again, if I wasn’t going to Holden this time in a state of anticipation for the next step in my life, what kind of Holden trip would it be. An atypical one. Best to stick with the pattern.
For once, love doesn’t freak me out.
For once, I can see my future being bright, even if shitty things happen along the way.
For once, I sort of know why I am here.
Clarity is somewhat being achieved and I feel like Holden is just going to fuck that up. I don’t want to come back to school with doubts about what I want to be, or who I should be with. Especially the latter.
I don’t want to get remixed-up with smoking and drinking simply because my previous Holden Hobby (chasing boys) is not an option.
But perhaps I am a pessimist about Holden because I can’t imagine having fun without Ian right now. The separation is still an open wound.
Good things about Holden this summer:
Anna for 7 weeks in a row.
Chance to improve resume (hello running an ice cream shop)
Absence can make the heart grow fonder (although I can’t imagine it getting anymore fond without bursting, but whatev…)
Making friends without boy drama interfering.
Good, healthy food - potential to lose weight/get toned and in shape
Good way to exercise self control.
Reuniting with Ian is going to be AMAZING.
Ok so that is it. Not so bad. I don’t want to say that I am sure that I will just forget about missing Ian after a while because it sounds bad, but it is probably true. It isn’t that I won’t miss him, I will just get used to missing him. I don’t want to get used to it in the first place though.
BUT despite it all, I love being in love.
So thanks.
I am stuck at home. But I guess it isn’t that bad. Mostly I just miss Ian a lot. If he were here, home wouldn’t be so sad. I am just bored.
I have a special doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 9:50 with a new doctor. It makes me nervous. He is a man. That is why.
I am going to Holden in about 3 days. But unfortunately I am not all that excited. I just shouldn’t make rash decisions when I am up there… or just no decisions at all. Everyone seems to go there to gain clarity and discern what their next life choice is going to be…but I say fuck that. There is something wonky about the air that makes me feel invincible. Or like time can just stop. Or like nothing about the outside world is going to change while I am there. Last time I was there I decided to become a minimalist and drop out of school and move to Bellingham to make money and then go bum around Europe for a while after working the summer as a Snack Bar Queen of the village. Does that not sound like a decision made in a hookah circle on crack? Yes.
Now I will just be waiting for the next thing to happen: Fall and a life happily enough ever after with Ian. Then again, if I wasn’t going to Holden this time in a state of anticipation for the next step in my life, what kind of Holden trip would it be. An atypical one. Best to stick with the pattern.
For once, love doesn’t freak me out.
For once, I can see my future being bright, even if shitty things happen along the way.
For once, I sort of know why I am here.
Clarity is somewhat being achieved and I feel like Holden is just going to fuck that up. I don’t want to come back to school with doubts about what I want to be, or who I should be with. Especially the latter.
I don’t want to get remixed-up with smoking and drinking simply because my previous Holden Hobby (chasing boys) is not an option.
But perhaps I am a pessimist about Holden because I can’t imagine having fun without Ian right now. The separation is still an open wound.
Good things about Holden this summer:
Anna for 7 weeks in a row.
Chance to improve resume (hello running an ice cream shop)
Absence can make the heart grow fonder (although I can’t imagine it getting anymore fond without bursting, but whatev…)
Making friends without boy drama interfering.
Good, healthy food - potential to lose weight/get toned and in shape
Good way to exercise self control.
Reuniting with Ian is going to be AMAZING.
Ok so that is it. Not so bad. I don’t want to say that I am sure that I will just forget about missing Ian after a while because it sounds bad, but it is probably true. It isn’t that I won’t miss him, I will just get used to missing him. I don’t want to get used to it in the first place though.
BUT despite it all, I love being in love.