Just get me past this dead end eternal snow.
I feel frozen. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I got a perfect score on my anatomy test, and I was the only girl out of 30 to get an A on the practicum. I told everyone I knew and forced the biggest smile I could possibly come up with. The truth is, I don't care. The reason I showed off so much is because I didn't feel a hint of pride and I thought I was supposed to. I kept trying, over and over and over again, thinking, "okay maybe this person will say something in response that will actually make me happy about my accomplishment."..... but no, nothing made me happy. I'm still tired, and lonely, and absurdly depressed. My aunt told me I'm beautiful and smart and funny and I have absolutely no reason to be depressed, but I think she's lying. Family members and friends won't come up to you and tell you that you need to lose weight and dress differently. If you get a bad grade they'll blame the teacher or chalk it up to you not having enough sleep. No matter how much weight you gain, you're still beautiful, so how are their kind words supposed to make a damn difference in how I see myself.
Recently a friend of mine admitted that she was having an issue with body image, to the point where it was affecting her health. I would shoot a kitten if it meant having her body. She's so beautiful and funny and smart and she doesn't even realize it. Sometimes I wonder... "Is that what I'm like? I'm actually beautiful and smart and I just don't know it?"
Other times I see horribly disgusting girls that would probably have a hard time writing out their full name, and they seem perfectly content with themselves and I wonder. "Is that me? Am I so deluded and blind that I don't even realize what I look like to other people?" I don't even need to point out that their mothers probably tell them how gorgeous they are every day and tell them that they could be president if they really wanted to, while the rest of the world knows they can't.
So where am I? I want a completely neutral third party to show me exactly where I lie on the spectrum, so I know where to go from here.
Recently a friend of mine admitted that she was having an issue with body image, to the point where it was affecting her health. I would shoot a kitten if it meant having her body. She's so beautiful and funny and smart and she doesn't even realize it. Sometimes I wonder... "Is that what I'm like? I'm actually beautiful and smart and I just don't know it?"
Other times I see horribly disgusting girls that would probably have a hard time writing out their full name, and they seem perfectly content with themselves and I wonder. "Is that me? Am I so deluded and blind that I don't even realize what I look like to other people?" I don't even need to point out that their mothers probably tell them how gorgeous they are every day and tell them that they could be president if they really wanted to, while the rest of the world knows they can't.
So where am I? I want a completely neutral third party to show me exactly where I lie on the spectrum, so I know where to go from here.