Not the same dream - LJ Idol, Season 9, Week 8
When I was 10, I wanted to be a teacher. My plan was to go to college, get my degree, get married, have two kids - a boy and a girl - and have fun with them every summer when I wasn't having to teach. Details didn't matter, because it was my future. It was going to be perfect.
When I was 20, I realized that for all I was a great one on one teacher, I couldn't handle being in a classroom with more kids who didn't care what they were learning than did. Instead, I'd found theater and wanted to be a theater manager. I still was going to be a parent some day, if I could convince my boyfriend of the time that he wanted another child. Only one this time, though. I'd make an awesome step-mom to my boyfriend's son. It would be a great future.
When I was 30, I had no idea whether I'd have a career. I hadn't finished college. I'd spent the past almost 10 years bouncing from one kind of job to another, and none of them kept my interest for long. But I was newly married, to a much better man than my ex. Like me, he wanted children - two or three. We weren't ready to start our family yet, but it was in the plans for the years after he'd gotten his doctorate. He was going to be working in a lab, making lots of money as he pushed on toward finding the cure for cancer. I was looking forward to this next, wonderful chapter in my life.
Now I'm 40. I don't have a career outside of the home. Instead, my days consist of constant cleaning of the town home apartment my family and I live in. It consists of being a taxi driver to my sons, making sure they get to school or friends' houses, events and regular meetings. It consists of me being a sounding board for my husband when the stresses of his day are getting to him. It involves making sure that I don't spend to much before the bills get paid, and making sure I take my medication so I can handle all of these things. It's a far cry from my expectations 30 years ago, but it doesn't make it any less perfect.
Am I happy with the route my life has taken? Yes, and I wouldn't change any of it. If the 10 year old me had her way, I may have been happy teaching, but I also may have felt stuck in the job, dejected and depressed because I couldn't see a difference I was making in the lives of these kids. If the 20 year old me had her way, I would never have had a child of my own because my boyfriend wasn't going to change his mind. If we'd ever gotten married, I don't think I would have been able to trust that he was't cheating on me and I would have been miserable. If the 30 year old me would have had her way, life may have been more secure financially, but I wouldn't be calling Nashville my home. Rich would have finished his post-doc and we would have been back in the Northeast with Rich running his own lab somewhere. I wouldn't have been able to spend the time with him that I can now that he's had a career change. I wouldn't have some of the close friendships that I have, or allowed my children to grow in their own friendships. I wouldn't have been able to be physically close to my father as we both went through our rough times.
This isn't to say that my life would have necessarily been worse had different choices been made, but it wouldn't have been the life that I have now. I wouldn't be the me I am now, with the boys that I'm raising now, married to the man I love now. And for all that I have problems - depression, money woes, dealing with Peter's Sensory Perception Disorder and trying to keep Teddy's intelligence stimulated where the school cannot - I wouldn't change it. I love my life. I love who I am, warts and all. And I love looking forward into the future, making plans and knowing that even if they don't turn out the way I want them to, it will still bring me to where I need to be.
When I was 20, I realized that for all I was a great one on one teacher, I couldn't handle being in a classroom with more kids who didn't care what they were learning than did. Instead, I'd found theater and wanted to be a theater manager. I still was going to be a parent some day, if I could convince my boyfriend of the time that he wanted another child. Only one this time, though. I'd make an awesome step-mom to my boyfriend's son. It would be a great future.
When I was 30, I had no idea whether I'd have a career. I hadn't finished college. I'd spent the past almost 10 years bouncing from one kind of job to another, and none of them kept my interest for long. But I was newly married, to a much better man than my ex. Like me, he wanted children - two or three. We weren't ready to start our family yet, but it was in the plans for the years after he'd gotten his doctorate. He was going to be working in a lab, making lots of money as he pushed on toward finding the cure for cancer. I was looking forward to this next, wonderful chapter in my life.
Now I'm 40. I don't have a career outside of the home. Instead, my days consist of constant cleaning of the town home apartment my family and I live in. It consists of being a taxi driver to my sons, making sure they get to school or friends' houses, events and regular meetings. It consists of me being a sounding board for my husband when the stresses of his day are getting to him. It involves making sure that I don't spend to much before the bills get paid, and making sure I take my medication so I can handle all of these things. It's a far cry from my expectations 30 years ago, but it doesn't make it any less perfect.
Am I happy with the route my life has taken? Yes, and I wouldn't change any of it. If the 10 year old me had her way, I may have been happy teaching, but I also may have felt stuck in the job, dejected and depressed because I couldn't see a difference I was making in the lives of these kids. If the 20 year old me had her way, I would never have had a child of my own because my boyfriend wasn't going to change his mind. If we'd ever gotten married, I don't think I would have been able to trust that he was't cheating on me and I would have been miserable. If the 30 year old me would have had her way, life may have been more secure financially, but I wouldn't be calling Nashville my home. Rich would have finished his post-doc and we would have been back in the Northeast with Rich running his own lab somewhere. I wouldn't have been able to spend the time with him that I can now that he's had a career change. I wouldn't have some of the close friendships that I have, or allowed my children to grow in their own friendships. I wouldn't have been able to be physically close to my father as we both went through our rough times.
This isn't to say that my life would have necessarily been worse had different choices been made, but it wouldn't have been the life that I have now. I wouldn't be the me I am now, with the boys that I'm raising now, married to the man I love now. And for all that I have problems - depression, money woes, dealing with Peter's Sensory Perception Disorder and trying to keep Teddy's intelligence stimulated where the school cannot - I wouldn't change it. I love my life. I love who I am, warts and all. And I love looking forward into the future, making plans and knowing that even if they don't turn out the way I want them to, it will still bring me to where I need to be.