Ramblings of an Adoptee
Hi everybody! Im new to LJ, we should be friends! Here is my personal memoir Ramblings of an Adoptee:
My mother was arrested when I was a baby and called her twin sister to pick me up at the police station. She and her husband watched me along with their own 5 month old baby. They did for about month then one day her husband came home from work and said, where's Angie? She had had enough and handed me off to a lady on a streetcorner in Toronto. I was taken by CAS after that. 10 months away from my mother, in foster care damaged me and the mother who adopted me got a cold, angry baby who destroyed everything. I met my birth mother for the first time last month, at 30 years old. It was a 3 hour bus ride to get there and as I got closer and closer, I kept tearing up. She looked for me in the windows as the bus pulled up and I gave her a little wave. I was just freaking out as I got off the bus. My aunt, stepfather, mother, cousin and sister all took turns hugging me. I was happy to see that my mother loves looking through used stores as much as I do. We went for lunch then to browse used stores. I loved it that they were themselves around me. It made me feel like I had never been taken. My mom and her twin played with my hair and complimented my looks. We joked around at Tim Hortons. I showed them the scars on my wrist and they kissed them. I had meant to be with them, I tried to imagine the life I would have had. The strong woman I would have been. I meant more uncles, cousins and aunts for the first time. I felt like a shiny new toy. I felt great. I couldnt believe I was seeing and touching the woman who had me. A month later though I feel angry. I wish I didnt feel mad... Why did my 2 sisters get to grow up with her. God I needed her so bad. I had reoccuring nightmares my whole childhood about her leaving me. The feeling of despair I felt waking up was horrendous. The first time I had the dream I was around 6. I was walking with her in some sort of factory and she was pushing a shopping cart and holding my hand. In the dream she had short brown hair and hoop earrings. There was this escalator that went down into blackness and all these people with carts going on it. She would look down at me and say, 'I'll be right back' and then she would go down this escalator into blackness. I would wake up weeping because I knew the blackness had eaten her and I would never see her again. I still really need her. I crave her and just want her to come stay with me. Make it all better. So now I am struggling with being a stranger to my mother and sisters and entire family. I realize the impact of my loss. They all look like me and act like me and I fit in like a glove. But then I didnt. My own parinoia and damaged self esteem pushes me into my own dark pit. It is so lonely there. I find it so funny that everyone who tells me to get over this grew up with both their parents and ever experienced this loss. At first my mom called me all the time but then after she met me, she stopped answering the phone. She has started answering it again now but this one time I called and left a message. She got her sister to call me and say she got the message but cant talk to me. Now she answers again, but man did that hurt. After 30 years I need her to be there for me no matter what. My father is still missing, no one knows where he is. I often wonder if he would love me. I died when I lost my parents in some primal way. Now I am what's left of me. This poem I wrote really captures howI feel inside.. *Update* My father has been found! My uncle randomly ran into him today in Toronto! I got to hear his voice for the first time and see a picture of him! My God, I look just like him. Im going to meet him for the first time this weekend. I am so nervous and excited. I feel like Ive lost so much time with him. Ive lost the chance to have so many memories. But now I wont ever let him go. My daddy....
My mother was arrested when I was a baby and called her twin sister to pick me up at the police station. She and her husband watched me along with their own 5 month old baby. They did for about month then one day her husband came home from work and said, where's Angie? She had had enough and handed me off to a lady on a streetcorner in Toronto. I was taken by CAS after that. 10 months away from my mother, in foster care damaged me and the mother who adopted me got a cold, angry baby who destroyed everything. I met my birth mother for the first time last month, at 30 years old. It was a 3 hour bus ride to get there and as I got closer and closer, I kept tearing up. She looked for me in the windows as the bus pulled up and I gave her a little wave. I was just freaking out as I got off the bus. My aunt, stepfather, mother, cousin and sister all took turns hugging me. I was happy to see that my mother loves looking through used stores as much as I do. We went for lunch then to browse used stores. I loved it that they were themselves around me. It made me feel like I had never been taken. My mom and her twin played with my hair and complimented my looks. We joked around at Tim Hortons. I showed them the scars on my wrist and they kissed them. I had meant to be with them, I tried to imagine the life I would have had. The strong woman I would have been. I meant more uncles, cousins and aunts for the first time. I felt like a shiny new toy. I felt great. I couldnt believe I was seeing and touching the woman who had me. A month later though I feel angry. I wish I didnt feel mad... Why did my 2 sisters get to grow up with her. God I needed her so bad. I had reoccuring nightmares my whole childhood about her leaving me. The feeling of despair I felt waking up was horrendous. The first time I had the dream I was around 6. I was walking with her in some sort of factory and she was pushing a shopping cart and holding my hand. In the dream she had short brown hair and hoop earrings. There was this escalator that went down into blackness and all these people with carts going on it. She would look down at me and say, 'I'll be right back' and then she would go down this escalator into blackness. I would wake up weeping because I knew the blackness had eaten her and I would never see her again. I still really need her. I crave her and just want her to come stay with me. Make it all better. So now I am struggling with being a stranger to my mother and sisters and entire family. I realize the impact of my loss. They all look like me and act like me and I fit in like a glove. But then I didnt. My own parinoia and damaged self esteem pushes me into my own dark pit. It is so lonely there. I find it so funny that everyone who tells me to get over this grew up with both their parents and ever experienced this loss. At first my mom called me all the time but then after she met me, she stopped answering the phone. She has started answering it again now but this one time I called and left a message. She got her sister to call me and say she got the message but cant talk to me. Now she answers again, but man did that hurt. After 30 years I need her to be there for me no matter what. My father is still missing, no one knows where he is. I often wonder if he would love me. I died when I lost my parents in some primal way. Now I am what's left of me. This poem I wrote really captures howI feel inside.. *Update* My father has been found! My uncle randomly ran into him today in Toronto! I got to hear his voice for the first time and see a picture of him! My God, I look just like him. Im going to meet him for the first time this weekend. I am so nervous and excited. I feel like Ive lost so much time with him. Ive lost the chance to have so many memories. But now I wont ever let him go. My daddy....