(no subject)

[adonta_ta_mele]

man, if only i were nearly as selfish as people love to reduce me to. i can't exactly state this as a complaint, since it's always the ones that know me best. i'm so used to this now i don't even bother trying anymore. it's such a spectacle, seeing hurt on someone, seeing them try to form it on their tongues and throw it back at you, it's weak, and i sit silently, feeling oversized and absorbent in the environment of an eggshell. i have never called someone pathetic. never just spit it out, in defense to silence like that, 'you're pathetic'. even in the times i have resorted to insults with insults it usually takes an ascending climb of remarks before i even bother to say anything. people are entirely blind. i wonder sometimes if i am so obviously blind as other people are to me. you have to think i hate you, or have somebody else i'm ready to fuck, to leave you. or maybe i just am battling to love myself? maybe realize that genuinity is a big portion of a relationship? maybe i like sticking to my fairytales of what i grew up to believe love was and i realize that in that, you also have the right to stick to yours? and have your quiet condensed world tucked in a drawer where you don't see it amidst argument? all you see is your compulsive attempts at perfection? so obsessed with cleaning, i find such pleasure when i take bubble baths and i lay down and i stare at all of the soap scum under the little holder thing on your wall. you always take showers so you don't know it's there. so anal about a piece of rice on the carpet but what you don't realize is that however much you organize and clean the things around you there will always be things you tune out from your vision. i guess you do it in that skull of yours too. organize everything, a place for everything, everything has it's place, and anything you can't fully justify only exists when no one is around to see it, like a tree falling in the forest. but in this case, there's somebody there to clean it up and make it look as if nothing happened at all, they don't have a name, a name like self preservation, no, it just has another clean up crew behind it until all you can remember of a forest is a stroll through the leaves. breakups have their place, listed among infidelity and self absorbency, a scripted reaction..

i can never understand how a person can even shape the words themselves knowing they are guilty of the exact same accusation, i feel like maybe someday i'll try and all that'll come out is studdered transitional phrases and a series grunts.