(no subject)
there's nothing like feeling like you really love someone to make you doubt that love can truly exist. if it's my turn for karma to turn me inside out, here's it's chance. i've never dated anyone i actually liked, it's pretty interesting to see how i handle it. how? by eating myself away with my own self hate. the only reason So and i lasted 2 years was because he is not in the slightest bit complicated. i'd only expect a simple, meager person to continue interest in me. someone beautiful, someone intelligent.. they'll learn in time the burden of my disappointment. i've been starving to talk to somebody about these things, then i realized, wait! i have a journal, i'll vent it on here and not have to worry about the organization of my thoughts. i have those pretty images dancing in my head of weddings, of children, all that ridiculous bullshit i'd never imagined i'd romanticize and see as anything but a nightmare. and worst, i have the strongest urge to tell him. I WANT TO MARRY YOU SOMEDAY. but this in itself is driving me nuts. i'm not ready to be with the person i want to be with forever. i feel old. i feel like i want to date and fuck a lot more. he reminds me of my father, of all the good memories i have of him. i imagine happily him growing older and unattractive and me next to him while he does it. makes me sick to my stomach. i feel like men can sense this and it scares them away. i feel like he'll grow bored of me, how content i can be just in his arms saying nothing, it'll back fire, and he'll find other explorations. i want to be everything he ever desires, i want to embody every fantasy he has, i want to be the first one he excitedly gives his good news to, the first one he relents of the bad. but i know i can't be all these things, and it's already driving me crazy.
i don't think love can really exist. people grow tired of eachother. no matter how compatible someone may seem, how beautiful, how you can look at their bullet pointed list and find nothing wrong, familiarity gets redundant.. people seek change. i know he will eventually, maybe i will too, and it makes me want to cry. people aren't always going to treat eachother as they did when they first met, when the aftershock of the first explosions is still lingering in our blood, but with every little trickle of contentment my soul cries. i want to be locked in that explosion forever, i want to record it for you and play it ongoing everytime you look into my pupils.. i want all the inconvenient details of age and life and place to disappear and be overpowered by the simplicities of contact emotion.
but they won't be.
i don't think love can really exist. people grow tired of eachother. no matter how compatible someone may seem, how beautiful, how you can look at their bullet pointed list and find nothing wrong, familiarity gets redundant.. people seek change. i know he will eventually, maybe i will too, and it makes me want to cry. people aren't always going to treat eachother as they did when they first met, when the aftershock of the first explosions is still lingering in our blood, but with every little trickle of contentment my soul cries. i want to be locked in that explosion forever, i want to record it for you and play it ongoing everytime you look into my pupils.. i want all the inconvenient details of age and life and place to disappear and be overpowered by the simplicities of contact emotion.
but they won't be.