Spite, Vengeance or Morbid Curiosity?
Midnight last night Rob and I had a candid discussion on why I feel compelled to contact my family or find out information about them. Rob's solution is wonderfully practical. Stop caring. So simple, so sweet, so logical. So fucking hard.
You can't just stop such things. But my reasons for caring may have changed as time has gone on.
Do I care because I want their approval? Love? Acceptance? No, I'm not that weak. I care because I feel wronged. I care because I want justice, vengeance and to say once and for all, FUCK YOU! Well that's more directed at my step-mother than anyone else. I found out my sister had a kid. Jordan may still live at home. I have a morbid curiosity to know what's going on. I'm curious of what kind of people they are. Have they learned anything? Are they still shitty people?
I think what bothers me most about the whole situation is that I feel jilted. Like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough for their precious self-involved lives. I don't want to be in said lives per se. I'm better off not. I just want the chance to say what needs to be said.
Nothing flares to life in me like vengeance and spite. I hold a grudge. It takes one hell of a lot to get me there mind you, but if you push too far there is never going back. I'm never going to "love" these people as I did when I was a child. That pure innocent love that is completely unconditional. Not because they deserve it but because the world has yet to help you open your eyes to the reality of human nature. That point is gone and dead. Am I cynical? Am I jaded? Hell yes I am. People are not naturally that way. It's a learned behavior.
I feel I can live my life well and that is vengeance enough but God I want to rub in their faces (Spite has entered the building). The poetic justice. The irony. THE JOY OF TRIUMPH!
People say that a single person is no better than another. I disagree. Some people are better than others. Not for petty reasons such as race, religion or sex but because of the quality of life you live (not financial but moral), because of the quality of character you have. The drive to be better than yourself everyday.
You may have treated me as less but I am better. I will always be better.
ps. I'm still going to write that letter.
You can't just stop such things. But my reasons for caring may have changed as time has gone on.
Do I care because I want their approval? Love? Acceptance? No, I'm not that weak. I care because I feel wronged. I care because I want justice, vengeance and to say once and for all, FUCK YOU! Well that's more directed at my step-mother than anyone else. I found out my sister had a kid. Jordan may still live at home. I have a morbid curiosity to know what's going on. I'm curious of what kind of people they are. Have they learned anything? Are they still shitty people?
I think what bothers me most about the whole situation is that I feel jilted. Like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough for their precious self-involved lives. I don't want to be in said lives per se. I'm better off not. I just want the chance to say what needs to be said.
Nothing flares to life in me like vengeance and spite. I hold a grudge. It takes one hell of a lot to get me there mind you, but if you push too far there is never going back. I'm never going to "love" these people as I did when I was a child. That pure innocent love that is completely unconditional. Not because they deserve it but because the world has yet to help you open your eyes to the reality of human nature. That point is gone and dead. Am I cynical? Am I jaded? Hell yes I am. People are not naturally that way. It's a learned behavior.
I feel I can live my life well and that is vengeance enough but God I want to rub in their faces (Spite has entered the building). The poetic justice. The irony. THE JOY OF TRIUMPH!
People say that a single person is no better than another. I disagree. Some people are better than others. Not for petty reasons such as race, religion or sex but because of the quality of life you live (not financial but moral), because of the quality of character you have. The drive to be better than yourself everyday.
You may have treated me as less but I am better. I will always be better.
ps. I'm still going to write that letter.