Wow.
It's been a shitload of time since I've updated this, but I won't bother with minute details. I am still fat, I still hate myself, every bit. It's hot, I'm drinking Dr. Pepper Diet Berries & Cream, and I like it.
I'm talking to Jeff, despite how stupid I know it is, and how much it breaks my heart knowing he has a girlfriend. What fucking right does he have, thinking that him mentioning sleeping with her was alright? I know I should get over it, it's been a year at least, but it's my fault. We Role-play via AIM all the time now, and I've gone back to second guessing hanging out with my friends just do talk to him. Damn him.
I have a poem I plan on posting here that I wrote a bit ago. It's pretty much how I feel, and it's morbid? Not really, just a shock to my system as to how I've let this facade of happiness even fool ME.
Pretty much no one knows this, but I used to cut myself. In the 9th grade, and into 10th. I got over it somehow, but now I am physically aching to do it. It's like my skin is crawling with anticipation. I refuse to do it though, even if it causes me physical discomfort. I'll be worse off.
Eating food pretty much makes me want to throw it back up again. I no longer have problems with eating to the point of no reason, but now it's a chore? I eat breakfast on days I work (babysitting two great little girls who have no understanding of 'calm down'), and eat lunch with them. Dinner is a family thing, so I force myself to eat that too. But on other days, I fiddle around in the kitchen for breakfast and lunch and just look at it. When I do eat, I feel so nauseated...
I had a talk with my mom today when we went to target. There were a pair of gangster-esque pants that I liked, and I was going to get them. Just as we were checking out, I grabbed them and put them back as quick as I could. "Why didn't you get the pants?" she asked me on the way home. I said "I don't know", and truly meant it. I'm so used to my t-shirts and jeans, the moment something is new, I get so nervous.
When the conversation continued, I said I wanted new clothes, but I didn't know what kind, but didn't want the sort of t-shirts I've been living in for the past 4 years. "Normal clothes?" Mom asked. I nodded, but said "I don't look good in normal clothes, though." And it's true, I hate how I look in everything. She tells me that looking good is more about how you think you look. I almost broke down crying and told her how much I hate myself. "What don't you like about yourself? Your face, hair, body, what?" And I just told her "everything", fighting back tears to the point where my throat was so constricted I couldn't breathe.
I've lost 10 pounds this this was updated, but still, not good enough.
I'm looking for cute hairstyles for shoulder length hair. Suggestions?