To Bemoan...
Wow it's been a long time since I bemoaned. I've moaned. And I've been. But I've not put the two together in a while. Especially in a blog-type space. It's good to know I can do it again. There's something very cathartic about blogging. Those emos are perhaps a bit wise in their eternal moodiness...after all, they live by the blog, and sometimes die by the blog. While I won't be dying any time soon, I'll be living by my blog a little bit.
Tangent complete. Where was I...as yes.
Bemoaning.
I bemoan a depression that comes from loneliness. And it's an odd sort of loneliness...the kind that seems indicative of two people who are destined to love each other.
Because I am never alone. I get to see Cassie every day. And I am blessed with the love and attention that I receive every day in her presence. But just as a man cannot be expected to live on bread and water alone, so too a man (or woman...as always, we're non-denominational here) cannot live with just his mate. Cassie is so very much a part of my life, but she cannot be my entire life. I need my friends. I need outside contact. No matter how warm, soft and safe a cave may be, I always find that I need some air.
And there's no one around to be found. It's one of the things I noticed when I was growing up with Mom and Dad...they both always seemed alone. Together, and happy in their place in the world, but alone. Sure, they both have friends. But those friends seem distant most of the time. Seeing people that they love dearly and having an adult dinner, or something like that, happens twice a month or so.
I wondered why they were always alone. And I swore that I would allow myself to be alone like them...because it would be too hard for me to live without my friends. After all, they're my family, as much as my blood relations are. Everyone from my High School Brothers and Sister, to my College Geeks, to the Patriots, to the Northerners - I consider all of them my family.
And so it's odd that the nature of our culture is that when we choose a mate, our family seems to retract a little bit. Suddenly, people feel like they're imposing. They feel like they're not a part of my life anymore, because I have Cassie. And especially now that I'm going to be a father...it's as if everything I'll need I'll find from my relationship.
But while I get so much from Cassie, being on an Island together by ourselves leaves the both of us feeling a little lonely. Because we can't get everything we need just from each other. We need our friends...our family, to be there beside us.
The whole thing is compounded by my very nature. Because I, considering myself a decent communicator, am not a responder. I am terrible at responding...I can't tell you why this is the case, but I am. When someone asks me how I am, I take forever to answer. When I get a question, I take a damn long time to provide the answer. And I've tried desperately to improve this weakness...but I've had a hard time with it. And it's one of my greatest issues - one of the reasons that people don't reach out to me much anymore, admittedly, is because when they do, they have no idea whether or not I've felt their touch. And they get discouraged, because I didn't E-Mail or call back.
So, part of this loneliness is my fault. But then again, part of it isn't. So I find myself in a quandary...
A quandary that feels a little soothed from blogging. Because part of that whole living thing is trying to improve those things that you are weakened by, even if every time you try it, you fall down. So, I blog, I stand up, I try it again.
And I remind everyone out there that I love them. You know who you are...and if you don't, realize that you're sorely mistaken. I love all of you, and you're all important to me. And you're reaching out always gets read, and always makes my day better. So thank you, and you rock.
Huh. Funny how bemoaning seems to sooth itself.
Funny that those Emos can, in their youthful folly, can some days be so wise.
Cheers everybody.
Tangent complete. Where was I...as yes.
Bemoaning.
I bemoan a depression that comes from loneliness. And it's an odd sort of loneliness...the kind that seems indicative of two people who are destined to love each other.
Because I am never alone. I get to see Cassie every day. And I am blessed with the love and attention that I receive every day in her presence. But just as a man cannot be expected to live on bread and water alone, so too a man (or woman...as always, we're non-denominational here) cannot live with just his mate. Cassie is so very much a part of my life, but she cannot be my entire life. I need my friends. I need outside contact. No matter how warm, soft and safe a cave may be, I always find that I need some air.
And there's no one around to be found. It's one of the things I noticed when I was growing up with Mom and Dad...they both always seemed alone. Together, and happy in their place in the world, but alone. Sure, they both have friends. But those friends seem distant most of the time. Seeing people that they love dearly and having an adult dinner, or something like that, happens twice a month or so.
I wondered why they were always alone. And I swore that I would allow myself to be alone like them...because it would be too hard for me to live without my friends. After all, they're my family, as much as my blood relations are. Everyone from my High School Brothers and Sister, to my College Geeks, to the Patriots, to the Northerners - I consider all of them my family.
And so it's odd that the nature of our culture is that when we choose a mate, our family seems to retract a little bit. Suddenly, people feel like they're imposing. They feel like they're not a part of my life anymore, because I have Cassie. And especially now that I'm going to be a father...it's as if everything I'll need I'll find from my relationship.
But while I get so much from Cassie, being on an Island together by ourselves leaves the both of us feeling a little lonely. Because we can't get everything we need just from each other. We need our friends...our family, to be there beside us.
The whole thing is compounded by my very nature. Because I, considering myself a decent communicator, am not a responder. I am terrible at responding...I can't tell you why this is the case, but I am. When someone asks me how I am, I take forever to answer. When I get a question, I take a damn long time to provide the answer. And I've tried desperately to improve this weakness...but I've had a hard time with it. And it's one of my greatest issues - one of the reasons that people don't reach out to me much anymore, admittedly, is because when they do, they have no idea whether or not I've felt their touch. And they get discouraged, because I didn't E-Mail or call back.
So, part of this loneliness is my fault. But then again, part of it isn't. So I find myself in a quandary...
A quandary that feels a little soothed from blogging. Because part of that whole living thing is trying to improve those things that you are weakened by, even if every time you try it, you fall down. So, I blog, I stand up, I try it again.
And I remind everyone out there that I love them. You know who you are...and if you don't, realize that you're sorely mistaken. I love all of you, and you're all important to me. And you're reaching out always gets read, and always makes my day better. So thank you, and you rock.
Huh. Funny how bemoaning seems to sooth itself.
Funny that those Emos can, in their youthful folly, can some days be so wise.
Cheers everybody.