A Minor Breakdown...
I hate rainy days.
Of course, that's not precisely true. While I'm not incredibly fond of being rained upon (I think I may have been a cat during one of my many lives...either that, or something back happened with water), I very much love the rain. The air refreshes after a good rain, the ground fills up and becomes plentiful with sweet beverage, and the world greens up with a good rain.
But rain storms of the soul are seldom as pretty. Sure, the healing wash afterwards is rather intense, but as the sadness, anger, frustration, and all those other bad emotions pour down, you're a bit adrift. And it is that kind of rainy day that I hate.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a breakdown. I hate admitting that, but it's true - I'm a little nuts, and it catches up to me once and a while. Before, I could be sent into writhing fits of anger and distress, which would be seen by the very few friends who knew that the might Tuck could be laid low after hiding his humanity for a week or two. Nowadays, I just get these fits of sadness. Yesterday, I had one of those fits. And once again, my heart is somewhat at fault.
First, as all of my stories, I must open with an exposition. Bear with me, if you can (and if you're one of my friends, you often can), and maybe something can be learned in the meantime.
I have a Twitter account. In case you don't know what that is, it's a micro-blogging site - you get 140 characters to say something. Often used as a "how are you right now," I like using it as an honest-to-goodness micro-blog, putting up small, sharp statements of frustration and amusement. You may find my Twitter here.
Anymatter, Tia also has a Twitter. Upon this Twitter, she mentioned something about a matchmaker, and no longer being single. It was a small, simple, innocent phrase, but it was like being struck in the heart with a sledgehammer. No longer single...
A wash of emotions came over me. Despite the fact that she no longer has any feelings for me, I still have feelings for her. I'm still pretty badly bound up. I know, it's only been a little while, and losing a love like that is kind of like having to mourn someone who didn't actually die. And instead of just all the little momentary reminders that the person is no longer a part of your life, that person can also appear in your life, and remind you that they're no longer a part of your life.
Sometimes, death would be easier to handle.
It's really hard. Having dinner with her, and consciously trying not to be attracted to her. Hanging out, and not trying to put my arm around her shoulder. Not to touch her. Not to kiss her. Five years of love and training is being cold turkey cut out over the past four months. That, and listening to the radio is impossible (Goddess bless my CD player, and the bad-ass music I play to try and ignore the fact that people sing love songs), watching TV is tricky, watching movies is tricky. The pain is better, but I still can't seem to get her out of my heart. And I can see why people might pick up a rebound relationship - that hole in your heart is so big, so painful, you just want to fill it. You don't care what with...just fill it, damn it! It's hard to be the wise and strong one, and stay romantically alone. Especially since Tia was my best friend. If I had a problem, I told her first. Now, we just don't talk. When I make contact, she gets angry and short. And she couldn't make contact with ET if he had a phone to call home with some days, much less me. I want that sort of connection again, on any sort of level.
And, to be honest, both Jen and Ogre are helping me, a whole lot. I sometimes worry that I am overburdening Jen - she becomes distant and frustrated with me often. There are other reasons for that, I think...more on that in a bit, though.
Anymatter, I'm still not over her. Not yet. But she's over me. Really, really over me. Ready to move on to her next co-dependent attachment. Which further frustrates me.
One of the other reasons that I'm not reaching out to the universe for someone to be with it that I am not ready to be loved yet. I still have some deep scars, scars that were there before Tia. I have some very deep attachment issues. I am petrified of spending the rest of my life alone. As a result, I'm a little..."high maintenance," we'll say. Tia picked those words. I'm afraid that I attach to the person I'm romantically involved with, and become easily frightened that they're going to leave. Paranoia, jealousy and a little bit of insanity then mix to cause those little fits that I mentioned before. Said fits have gone down since I've become myself again, instead of half of a whole, but I know they exist. And until they're healed, I don't want to find someone else to love. I don't want to be that crazed nut who causes all of this collateral damage emotionally. Tia was quite strong, and handled it for a long time. But now that I have a chance to start again, I want to try and fix this weakness in myself. I want to be able to be tolerable to someone who chooses to love me. And I must abstain from love until then.
And, foolish me, I thought Tia had someone to work on too. It's been...um...never...since she's not have a male companion. I thought that she might want to grow, like I've chosen to do (by hook or by crook), and learn to be alone. But this matchmaker stuff implies that such is not the case.
So, yesterday, I became angry. Angry that I can't seem to get over her, when she doesn't care about me anymore. I became saddened. Saddened that growth is less important than terrestrial attachment. I became confused. Confused as to why I still feel like this. And I became a bit of a wreck. So much so that my stomach went into overdrive, and I had the case of the shits all morning.
I was so incapable that Jen told me that I was no longer useful that day, and needed to go home.
Which made things all the worse. I took it personally, because that's the place that I was in. She felt like crap (she's been sick with some hella bad allergies), looked like hell, and here I was the one that was useless. So I surrendered quickly, and instead of going home, I stayed at the Patriot. I didn't want to play with the snow, what with my tires all flattened out, and I don't get to use hotels that often. I like hotels. And so, I like getting stuck here.
It wasn't a mistake...I enjoyed myself, and became quite rested. Got some cranberry nutrients in my water. Felt nice. But being alone, as it often does, left me time to think. And I shouldn't be allowed to think. Because that's when I become paranoid that Jen is getting tired of me. Afraid and angry that I'm leaving my job, and losing my friend. Of course, my knee jerk reaction to losing someone is to leave first...anyone who dares leave me will find themselves lying in the dust, alone! Mwa ha ha ha...
However, it really doesn't work to cut off my hand to spite the nose on my face. Or, maybe some other analogy that didn't sound good just in my head.
That's another bit of upset that I'm going through. I really dislike working at the Patriot Suites. I dislike certain staff persons heavily. I dislike the fact that our job is to get yelled at, take it, smile and try and be nice in return, and then blamed whenever anyone else fucks up. It's not a good atmosphere for someone who's trying to stay positive in their lives. Or with self-esteem issues.
But, to lose me will be rough. I would love to be modest, but there are many things at the Patriot that have my name on them. The advanced training of some staff people. A whole lot of our forms, and the procedures around those forms. Certain commands, rates and codes in the computer system. So many things I can be connected to...and I'm leaving. My honor and my loyalty are flaring.
Most of all, I am upset that I am leaving my friends. Tim, my elder bitchin'-buddy. Kristin, the violent but friendly VV lady. Linda, the wise adviser Linda, with her secret plans to take over the world (if only she could remember what they are).
And dearest Jen...my big sister who was sent to me when I needed her, and she needed me. One of the few people who can look at me, know something is wrong, and then has the balls to ask. And knows damn well that when I say "fine," I'm lying. It is her that I feel most disloyal. Despite the fact that I know I'll be happier at PCTV, I don't want to leave her, or my other friends here at the Patriot.
And so, in addition to the anger and frustration of being "tossed out like so much garbage," (as said with dramatic flair), I'm in the land of guilt for leaving. Add to that that the game night crew came together and did their thing without me (I know they were leaving me alone because I was ill, but when I get sick, people visiting heal me - the "you must be alone and rest to get better" is patriarchal bullcrap), and so the discontent went on all night.
And then another day came. I couldn't do my sit-ups again because there's something wrong with the right side of my abdominal region. I did my leg lifts instead. I did my push-ups. I drilled for a minute with my new katana (wow, is it pretty), and I showered. I drank my breakfast, and started work. Am I well again? No...and I won't be for a while. I'm just getting used to the thought that Tia may soon find herself in the arms of another man, and that Jen will find someone to replace me.
The phoenix comes, the phoenix grows, the phoenix is killed, and is reborn. I'll grow and become strong again. Life will go on again. But this whole "die to grow stronger" thing takes some serious getting used to.
But today, I am better. Even though it's still raining. Today, the rain will wash away our tears, and it will heal our wounds.
I love rainy days.
P.S. Please add this to the list of coolest pictures ever. It made me smile today.
Of course, that's not precisely true. While I'm not incredibly fond of being rained upon (I think I may have been a cat during one of my many lives...either that, or something back happened with water), I very much love the rain. The air refreshes after a good rain, the ground fills up and becomes plentiful with sweet beverage, and the world greens up with a good rain.
But rain storms of the soul are seldom as pretty. Sure, the healing wash afterwards is rather intense, but as the sadness, anger, frustration, and all those other bad emotions pour down, you're a bit adrift. And it is that kind of rainy day that I hate.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a breakdown. I hate admitting that, but it's true - I'm a little nuts, and it catches up to me once and a while. Before, I could be sent into writhing fits of anger and distress, which would be seen by the very few friends who knew that the might Tuck could be laid low after hiding his humanity for a week or two. Nowadays, I just get these fits of sadness. Yesterday, I had one of those fits. And once again, my heart is somewhat at fault.
First, as all of my stories, I must open with an exposition. Bear with me, if you can (and if you're one of my friends, you often can), and maybe something can be learned in the meantime.
I have a Twitter account. In case you don't know what that is, it's a micro-blogging site - you get 140 characters to say something. Often used as a "how are you right now," I like using it as an honest-to-goodness micro-blog, putting up small, sharp statements of frustration and amusement. You may find my Twitter here.
Anymatter, Tia also has a Twitter. Upon this Twitter, she mentioned something about a matchmaker, and no longer being single. It was a small, simple, innocent phrase, but it was like being struck in the heart with a sledgehammer. No longer single...
A wash of emotions came over me. Despite the fact that she no longer has any feelings for me, I still have feelings for her. I'm still pretty badly bound up. I know, it's only been a little while, and losing a love like that is kind of like having to mourn someone who didn't actually die. And instead of just all the little momentary reminders that the person is no longer a part of your life, that person can also appear in your life, and remind you that they're no longer a part of your life.
Sometimes, death would be easier to handle.
It's really hard. Having dinner with her, and consciously trying not to be attracted to her. Hanging out, and not trying to put my arm around her shoulder. Not to touch her. Not to kiss her. Five years of love and training is being cold turkey cut out over the past four months. That, and listening to the radio is impossible (Goddess bless my CD player, and the bad-ass music I play to try and ignore the fact that people sing love songs), watching TV is tricky, watching movies is tricky. The pain is better, but I still can't seem to get her out of my heart. And I can see why people might pick up a rebound relationship - that hole in your heart is so big, so painful, you just want to fill it. You don't care what with...just fill it, damn it! It's hard to be the wise and strong one, and stay romantically alone. Especially since Tia was my best friend. If I had a problem, I told her first. Now, we just don't talk. When I make contact, she gets angry and short. And she couldn't make contact with ET if he had a phone to call home with some days, much less me. I want that sort of connection again, on any sort of level.
And, to be honest, both Jen and Ogre are helping me, a whole lot. I sometimes worry that I am overburdening Jen - she becomes distant and frustrated with me often. There are other reasons for that, I think...more on that in a bit, though.
Anymatter, I'm still not over her. Not yet. But she's over me. Really, really over me. Ready to move on to her next co-dependent attachment. Which further frustrates me.
One of the other reasons that I'm not reaching out to the universe for someone to be with it that I am not ready to be loved yet. I still have some deep scars, scars that were there before Tia. I have some very deep attachment issues. I am petrified of spending the rest of my life alone. As a result, I'm a little..."high maintenance," we'll say. Tia picked those words. I'm afraid that I attach to the person I'm romantically involved with, and become easily frightened that they're going to leave. Paranoia, jealousy and a little bit of insanity then mix to cause those little fits that I mentioned before. Said fits have gone down since I've become myself again, instead of half of a whole, but I know they exist. And until they're healed, I don't want to find someone else to love. I don't want to be that crazed nut who causes all of this collateral damage emotionally. Tia was quite strong, and handled it for a long time. But now that I have a chance to start again, I want to try and fix this weakness in myself. I want to be able to be tolerable to someone who chooses to love me. And I must abstain from love until then.
And, foolish me, I thought Tia had someone to work on too. It's been...um...never...since she's not have a male companion. I thought that she might want to grow, like I've chosen to do (by hook or by crook), and learn to be alone. But this matchmaker stuff implies that such is not the case.
So, yesterday, I became angry. Angry that I can't seem to get over her, when she doesn't care about me anymore. I became saddened. Saddened that growth is less important than terrestrial attachment. I became confused. Confused as to why I still feel like this. And I became a bit of a wreck. So much so that my stomach went into overdrive, and I had the case of the shits all morning.
I was so incapable that Jen told me that I was no longer useful that day, and needed to go home.
Which made things all the worse. I took it personally, because that's the place that I was in. She felt like crap (she's been sick with some hella bad allergies), looked like hell, and here I was the one that was useless. So I surrendered quickly, and instead of going home, I stayed at the Patriot. I didn't want to play with the snow, what with my tires all flattened out, and I don't get to use hotels that often. I like hotels. And so, I like getting stuck here.
It wasn't a mistake...I enjoyed myself, and became quite rested. Got some cranberry nutrients in my water. Felt nice. But being alone, as it often does, left me time to think. And I shouldn't be allowed to think. Because that's when I become paranoid that Jen is getting tired of me. Afraid and angry that I'm leaving my job, and losing my friend. Of course, my knee jerk reaction to losing someone is to leave first...anyone who dares leave me will find themselves lying in the dust, alone! Mwa ha ha ha...
However, it really doesn't work to cut off my hand to spite the nose on my face. Or, maybe some other analogy that didn't sound good just in my head.
That's another bit of upset that I'm going through. I really dislike working at the Patriot Suites. I dislike certain staff persons heavily. I dislike the fact that our job is to get yelled at, take it, smile and try and be nice in return, and then blamed whenever anyone else fucks up. It's not a good atmosphere for someone who's trying to stay positive in their lives. Or with self-esteem issues.
But, to lose me will be rough. I would love to be modest, but there are many things at the Patriot that have my name on them. The advanced training of some staff people. A whole lot of our forms, and the procedures around those forms. Certain commands, rates and codes in the computer system. So many things I can be connected to...and I'm leaving. My honor and my loyalty are flaring.
Most of all, I am upset that I am leaving my friends. Tim, my elder bitchin'-buddy. Kristin, the violent but friendly VV lady. Linda, the wise adviser Linda, with her secret plans to take over the world (if only she could remember what they are).
And dearest Jen...my big sister who was sent to me when I needed her, and she needed me. One of the few people who can look at me, know something is wrong, and then has the balls to ask. And knows damn well that when I say "fine," I'm lying. It is her that I feel most disloyal. Despite the fact that I know I'll be happier at PCTV, I don't want to leave her, or my other friends here at the Patriot.
And so, in addition to the anger and frustration of being "tossed out like so much garbage," (as said with dramatic flair), I'm in the land of guilt for leaving. Add to that that the game night crew came together and did their thing without me (I know they were leaving me alone because I was ill, but when I get sick, people visiting heal me - the "you must be alone and rest to get better" is patriarchal bullcrap), and so the discontent went on all night.
And then another day came. I couldn't do my sit-ups again because there's something wrong with the right side of my abdominal region. I did my leg lifts instead. I did my push-ups. I drilled for a minute with my new katana (wow, is it pretty), and I showered. I drank my breakfast, and started work. Am I well again? No...and I won't be for a while. I'm just getting used to the thought that Tia may soon find herself in the arms of another man, and that Jen will find someone to replace me.
The phoenix comes, the phoenix grows, the phoenix is killed, and is reborn. I'll grow and become strong again. Life will go on again. But this whole "die to grow stronger" thing takes some serious getting used to.
But today, I am better. Even though it's still raining. Today, the rain will wash away our tears, and it will heal our wounds.
I love rainy days.
P.S. Please add this to the list of coolest pictures ever. It made me smile today.