FIC: A Different Way of Thinking 11
What it Means to Be a Hero
Part 2: A Different Way of Thinking (11)
By adliren
Barbara slowly straightened in her chair, watching with weary concern as Helena continued to sit on the floor, shaking her head with a vaguely lost look in her eyes. She was holding the silver batarang Barbara had retrieved from the supply closet while the two were fighting.
Occasionally she scared herself with her fanatical need to be prepared for all situations.
“Helena . . .”
Barbara tried to keep the distress out of her voice, but wasn’t sure she was successful. It didn’t seem to matter, however, since Helena didn’t seem capable of acknowledging her presence. The brunette had been mumbling under her breath for the past several minutes, and Barbara was finally able to make out what she was saying.
“It’s finally over.” Helena’s voice was soft and hesitant, almost as if she didn’t believe the words even as she spoke them.
“Helena,” she injected a little more force into her tone. When the brunette raised her head and looked at her questioningly, she continued. “How are you feeling?”
For a brief moment, she was afraid the other woman wouldn’t respond, but then Helena gave a short bark of laughter. “I don’t know, Red. Tired, angry, glad that this is finally over. What am I supposed to feel? I was turned into a fucking vampire, and I almost killed you . . . again!” She shook her head. “I think right now, I mostly feel numb.”
“Helena, look at me.” When the brunette continued to stare at the floor and refused to meet her eyes, Barbara rolled closer until she could rest her hand on the dark hair still matted with blood. “Helena this wasn’t your fault. Whatever the Monk may have tried to make you do, you didn’t do it. You fought him and stopped yourself in time.”
“I know, Barbara. It’s just . . . I’m so tired of this. Sometimes . . . sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it.” Barbara started to interrupt, but Helena rushed on. “I know what we do is important, it’s just, it feels like bad things keep happening while we try to catch up and not get killed, and one of these times our luck is going to run out. Does that make any sense at all?”
Intense orange eyes regarded her pleadingly, and Barbara quickly tired to reassure the other woman. “Of course it does, Hel, that’s why we have to make the most of the time we do have together. I’ve been hoping you would work through this on your own, and I’ve tried to give you space, but I’m not willing to wait anymore. Helena I . . .”
Barbara’s confession trailed off as something that had been bothering her finally registered in her conscious mind.
Helena’s eyes were orange. They were not their normal captivating blue or feral gold; her eyes were orange, which could only mean . . .
The younger woman must have seen something in her eyes because she was abruptly scrambling away from Barbara on all fours. Once she was backed up against the wall, Barbara watched as she reached up with a tan hand and felt tentatively at her teeth. She gave a soft hiss that nevertheless echoed in the quiet tower when her fingers encountered sharp fangs.
“I’m still a vampire.” Helena’s voice was flat and emotionless, but Barbara could hear the fear raging just beneath the surface. “Wasn’t I supposed to turn back when he died? That’s how it works in the movies.”
Forcing down her own fear, Barbara tired for a reassuring tone. “I’m sure we can find a solution to this Helena. We’ll figure this out together.” Desperately grasping at straws, she said the first thing that came to mind. “Maybe it acts like some kind of virus, and it will clear up on its own. If nothing else, I’m sure I can come up with something to help you with the, uh, side-effects.”
Helena’s head snapped up with an audible crack, and Barbara felt her own neck spasm in sympathy. She became even more concerned when Helena began pawing frantically at her leather duster.
“Helena?”
The other woman didn’t look up. “It’s got to be here.”
“What’s got to be where, Hel?”
The brunette didn’t respond, but moments later she gave a soft cry of triumph as she pulled something from an interior pocket. Barbara examined the items curiously. One appeared to be a fairly standard flash drive, while the other . . . appeared to be some kind of vial. A small amount of phosphorescent green liquid sloshed inside the clear tube, somehow managing to look vaguely menacing.
Before she had a chance to ask, Helena was speaking. “Alfred gave it to me. He said it was all that was left of the original serum. Some freaky priest guy gave it to Batman when the Monk transformed him into a vampire. Apparently it changed him back. I was supposed to give it to you to see if you could come up with some kind of weapon against him, but if it worked on Batman, it should work on me right?”
Helena looked so hopeful, that Barbara almost couldn’t bear it. “Helena, your father,” she quickly changed her choice of words at the brunette’s scowl, “Bruce was human. I’m not sure how that would react with your meta-genetics. I’m not even sure what’s in it.”
“But it *could* change me back, right?”
“Yes, it could, but . . .”
Helena cut her off. “Then I need to take it. I’m not going to let the Monk control me, especially not when he’s dead. I don’t want to be a monster.”
Helena’s face was determined, and Barbara realized she had already lost. She comforted herself with the thought that Helena had certainly survived much worse than this.
“Alright, Hel.”
Barbara rolled over to one of the conveniently placed drawers and returned with a syringe, accepting the vial that Helena handed over. Pulling back the plunger carefully, Barbara extracted the minute dose.
She gently reached for Helena’s right arm, and stretched it out in her lap. She glanced once at the brunette and received a sharp nod. Sucking in a breath, she moved the needle toward the exposed vein - only to have her hand caught in a vice like grip. Looking at the brunette questioningly, she found the orange gaze focused with burning intensity on her own wrist.
“Hel?”
It seemed to Barbara that she was saying Helena’s name in that puzzled tone a lot this evening, and it was starting to get old. Consequently, she wasn’t quite able to keep the exasperation out of her voice, but Helena didn’t seem to notice. Something else that was becoming quite tedious.
“It was broken.”
Barbara looked at the brunette’s wrist and realized once again that the skin was whole, without even the hint of a scar.
“And my leg, and my head.”
Barbara glanced at the body parts in question, but could find no sign of injury. She waited, holding her breath for the rest. Helena was thinking about something. She wasn’t in the habit of stating something so obvious, well, at least not in situations like these.
“He healed me . . . even my side from that punk with the knife. When he turned me, he healed me . . . of everything.”
Helena was whispering, and there were tears in her eyes when she finally looked at Barbara. For a moment, Barbara regarded her with uncertainty - before it all came crashing down on her.
There was a strange roaring in her ears, and a black cloud descended on her vision. She had never fainted in her life, but she thought this must be what it felt like. When she came back to herself, her chest was heaving and she couldn’t manage to catch her breath.
“Hel.” This time it wasn’t a question, more of a desperate plea - whether to confirm or deny her suspicions, she wasn’t sure.
Helena gently pulled the syringe from her unresisting fingers, setting it on the floor beside her as she took Barbara’s hand in her own.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Barbara, we’ll get through this.”
“Hel?!” Not a question, not a plea, but a desperate cry of disbelief.
The brunette began running her hands up and down Barbara’s arms soothingly. “I think…I think it could heal your spine.” Barbara heard a small whimper, and was surprised to realize it had come from her own throat. “I could . . . bite you . . . and then you’d be healed. You could walk again.” Helena was still whispering, but each word seemed to ring in Barbara’s ears. “Once you’re healed, you could take the antidote, and then you’d be human again.”
Helena’s voice was rising in her excitement, and she was already moving towards Barbara. When the redhead jerked back as far as she could in her chair, the brunette pulled back, looking at her with an exasperated expression.
“Barbara . . .”
“Dammit, Hel, think. What happens after I use the antidote? You’d be stuck as a vampire.”
Barbra wanted to walk again. She’d wanted it with a burning passion for nine years, and now that she finally had a real chance, an almost guaranteed cure, she couldn’t take it.
Sometimes life just wasn’t fair.
“Okay, so you take it anyway.” Helena was looking at her with that stubborn expression that Barbara *knew* she got from Bruce.
“Helena, I’m not going to do this. You just said you didn’t want to be a monster, and now you’re trying to tell me that you’re fine with it.”
“Well, not fine, but if it means you can walk again, then yeah, I think we should do it.” Love shone clearly through the luminescent eyes focused on her, and not for the first time, Barbara wanted to smack herself for never seeing what had been right in front of her face. “Besides, Babs, I’ve always been more of a night person,” Helena continued with a semi-successful attempt at a smile.
When she didn’t respond immediately, Helena again moved forward until Barbara could feel her hot breath on her neck. When sharp teeth grazed her skin, Barbara couldn’t control her shiver, suddenly recalling her vivid nightmare, which now seemed more like a premonition. Maybe Dinah’s powers were rubbing off on her?
As she felt Helena move forward that last little inch, she brought her hands up and gently, but insistently forced the brunette back. Helena went reluctantly, her lips seeming to linger on Barbara’s skin, searing her to the bone. When she was gazing into Barbara’s face again, her eyes were resigned.
“Don’t you want to walk again?”
“I do, Hel, but not like this.” Barbara brought her hand up to caress Helena’s cheek. “We’ll find another way, together - one that doesn’t involve sacrificing your happiness.”
A single tear slipped down Helena’s cheek, and Barbara wiped it away tenderly. “You’re my happiness, Barbara.”
Before she knew what she was doing, Barbara had pulled the other woman to her and was burying her face in the tan neck, muffling the sobs that shook her upper body. She cried for her fear at almost losing Helena, for the lost chance to be what she once was, for the person she had become, and also for joy at finally ending up exactly where she was meant to be.
Through it all, Helena simply held her and didn’t let go, accepting every part of her.
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Helena twisted the handle farther to the left, knowing she was risking some potential damage. The water obligingly turned hotter, burning across her shoulders and back, leaving her skin red and stinging. She continued to stand under the stream long after the last of the soap had been washed away.
Eventually, she was able to force herself to leave the confines of Barbara’s specially designed shower. Standing in the middle of the bathroom, she ran a towel briskly through her now blood-free hair, marveling at how much better she felt just being clean.
Catching sight of herself in the mirror, Helena was momentarily stunned. She knew she was beautiful, people had been telling her so for most of her life, but she also knew her own body. She knew the scars and imperfections that an active childhood and even more active . . . hobby had left on the canvas of her skin. But now, looking into the mirror, Helena was faced with an unfamiliar sight. Her skin was perfect, and she wasn’t sure what to feel.
In some ways, it was nice. She had never been proud of her scars, they were just there. They had simply been a part of her. Now they weren’t.
But, while she may not have been proud of them, they were still a part of who she was. Gazing at her un-marked body, Helena wasn’t really sure who was looking back. It looked like her, but the woman she was used to carried her scars on the inside *and* the outside. Now all that was left were the scars kept in her heart, the ones visible to everyone else having been erased as if they never existed.
Helena wasn’t sure what that meant exactly, but it seemed pretty profound.
Shaking her head, she met the blue eyes that gazed back at her from the reflective surface.
“Time to stop thinking before you sprain something.”
Grabbing another towel, she quickly wrapped it tightly around her body and walked out of the bathroom, steam following in her wake. She found a pile of clean clothes waiting on the dresser, obviously set there by Barbara.
Pulling on the t-shirt and sweatpants, she heard a tentative knock on the door. Helena rolled her eyes at the absurdity of Barbara asking to enter her own bedroom, but she called for the other woman to come in anyway.
“Hey.”
Helena didn’t know what else to say. So much had happened in the last few hours, and she wasn’t sure what the proper etiquette was for their situation. Not that she had ever been concerned with such things before, but somehow, right now, it seemed to matter.
“Hey, yourself.” Barbara was smiling, that was a good sign. The redhead gestured down at herself, indicating her torn and disheveled clothes. “Is it my turn yet. I don’t think I’m fit for company.”
Helena stared at her without responding; trying to figure out what was different.
“You didn’t use up all the hot water, did you?”
Suddenly it hit Helena. Barbara’s eyes were a bright emerald that seemed to glow in the darkness of the bedroom. Somehow the other woman seemed . . . lighter. That was the only way Helena could think to describe it.
“Hello, Earth to Helena. You okay?”
Barbara was looking at her with concern, but she was still smiling, and suddenly the brunette was overcome with emotion. She felt happy, terrified, elated, and so many emotions that she was almost jumping out of her skin - in a good way. She knew her eyes had changed, but the other woman didn’t even blink.
Barbara was smiling, and it wasn’t the phony, look at me, I’m a harmless school teacher smile, or the I’m smiling so you can’t tell how miserable I really am smile that Helena was used to. This was true and genuine, and it made the brunette swallow the lump in her throat and blink back tears.
Walking over to the older woman, she leaned down far enough to place a light kiss on the soft cheek, grateful when Barbara didn’t pull away. Backing up, she gave the redhead a wink.
“I think I left some, but no promises. How’s Dinah?”
Barbara had contacted Nightwing after Helena had taken the antidote. It had hurt like hell, and was not something she *ever* wanted to experience again, but it had worked. She was back to being human . . . or as close as she got.
“A little shaken up, but I think she’s going to be fine. She wanted to spend the night at Gabby’s after I called them a cab.” Helena didn’t even try to hold back her snicker. Dick was never going to live that down. “I think they needed to spend some time together.” There was something in Barbara’s voice that the brunette couldn’t identify. “Anyway, we’ll meet up tomorrow for a debriefing. I think we could all use the break tonight.”
“Uh, okay, sounds good. I’ll just head out and watch some TV.”
Barbara looked at her fondly. “And raid my cabinets, no doubt. I’ll be out soon.”
Helena settled herself on the couch and picked up the remote, looking guiltily at the poptarts clutched in her other hand. She shook it off, realizing that they were probably for her in the first place, since there had been four boxes in the cabinet. Once again, Alfred knew her better than she knew herself - or maybe he was just optimistic. Either way, it worked out well for her.
She was desultorily flipping through channels when she heard the water in the bathroom shut off. Minutes later, Barbara emerged from the bedroom, dressed similarly to Helena. Rolling over to the couch, she easily transferred herself to the cushions, and flashing a grin at the brunette, focused her attention on the screen.
“Uh, Barbara, don’t you want to check on the Delphi?”
What was Red doing? After the big confrontation, Barbara always became obsessed with her computer while Helena unwound in front of the TV. It was a ritual, a comfortable routine that meant things were normal.
So why was Barbara sitting with her on the couch?
“No, I’m perfectly comfortable right here.” Barbara didn’t take her eyes of the colors flashing in front of them.
“Oh, okay.” Giving the other woman a puzzled look, Helena started channel surfing again.
Eventually, they found a station playing Gone with the Wind, and settled in. The movie had been one of Selina’s favorites - something about Scarlett had always appealed to the woman - and Helena had good memories of watching it with her mom on rainy weekends.
It would have been perfect, except Helena knew Barbara was up to something . . . she just couldn’t figure out what.
Helena knew that there were things that needed to be discussed. Barbara would need to talk about everything that had happened and what that meant for them in the future - and Helena had a few things she needed to say as well.
Not that it really mattered. Whatever Barbara had planned, Helena would find out sooner or later. She just hoped this time it wouldn’t lead to additional clothing being added to her crime fighting outfit. She just didn’t do capes.
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