(no subject)
I feel like this. I feel like explaining parts of my life that seem vague to everyone but me because I love the feeling like I'm exclusive to something. I love looking at something and knowing the reason why.
What I think about my mom being 21 and my dad being 16:
I think anyone that says I'm an accident is probably right, but it still bothers me. I've confronted my mom about it and I remember exactly what she said: "We wanted you right from the moment we found out I was pregnant." Which makes a lot of sense to me and doesn't make me any different from anyone else. Think about it this way: if your mom and dad were married and planning to have a child, sure it's something that was planned, but its a pretty fucking vague thing to want. Your parents planning to have you doesn't make them love or appreciate you any more than mine do with me being an accident, because the child your parents wanted didn't exist before pregnancy: placing a label like love on something that doesn't exist is just illegal. In a simpler way of putting it, it's like me saying I want a CD. I don't love the CD because I don't know what it is. But when I walk into HMV (which, coincidentally, I actually did) and see Do Make Say Think's "Winter Hymn Country Hymn Secret Hymn" (which I bought today), that's the moment I love it because it's there waiting for me to have it, in which buying it or leaving it there is another metaphor for the same choice my parents had to make in wanting me. Your parents probably chose they wanted to get pregnant and stopped using contraceptives, hence the moment of "purchase" in the case of the CD. My parents still had to make the choice to "purchase" me, and thus here I am today. I don't doubt for a second that I was an accident, but I also don't doubt my parents love me equally as your parents love you.
What I think about my mom living in Florida:
It's a great opportunity, she did say she went there to open doors for me. It has messed up my life. When my mom lived here it was spending these days with my mom and these with my dad, which never bothered me at all. My parents were never married so please stop saying "Oh, your parents are divorced?" when I tell you that my parents aren't together. They are separated. Anyway. All my life that my parents weren't together, it was usually living with my mom in her parents' house, which also housed my aunt, 23, and my two uncles, 25 and 35. A big family, and the side of my family where I feel culture. Never big, elaborate Christmas gifts, just a candid family with flaws that I have come to love, which most probably don't, but I do anyway. I especially felt culture on that side because of the contrast between there and my dad's family, which, to be honest, is white in all the meaning of the word "white." They spoil and pamper me (I love it) and they are equally great personalities, but aren't quite as candid and expressed. Then my mom left. I spent most of the week with my dad, and still spent the weekend with my maternal grandparents and aunt and uncles. For a little side note, I've never been comfortable talking to my dad or letting him peer into my personal life, which my solution is to compulsively lie to him. Lies to cover up who I am, what I do, where I go, everything. I've lied to spend more time with my maternal grandparents. I feel horrible but I just do it. My dad started wondering why I spend the weekends there all the time and got all iffy about it, and I don't really spend much time there anymore. I hate it. I have an absolutely irregular life because my mom lives so far away. It's like being torn between two families. Believe me, I could never make a decision between both, and even if I could, I would never voice that choice because I imagine it would hurt someone.
What I think when I like a girl:
I like to think I get pretty romantic. Something allows me to fuck it up each time though, but maybe I'm just choosing the wrong people. Probably not, because I don't think I've liked the wrong person at all in my life. I just like who I want to, and though it generally doesn't go out in my favour, liking someone is fun business, no matter who it is. I like doing nice, romantic things for people. There are a couple people who I can consider myself able to like at any point in my life that probably don't reciprocate those feelings. Unless it's a special occasion, I am way better off liking a girl first and getting her attention, because people that like me first generally get me thinking too much about whether I really like them or not. I also have a very picky, peculiar taste. When I like someone I usually think about making the right moves that I make the wrong ones. People say, "Be natural." but I actually really am. I don't know how else to act, right? If you like someone, you want to do the right thing and although it usually doesn't turn out as intended, it's still genuine. Asking someone elses advice on someone you like isn't a very genuine source, because someone can't see from the same perspective of how you feel about someone. And generally, people really don't care about someone elses romantic interest in someone else, unless it's someone they also share feelings for.
The definition of "living a little":
This is a hard one to voice, but it's worth mentioning because the way some people are in how they live is just irritating to me. The logical starting point is criticizing the lifestyles of others. I don't think criticism is due anywhere where it's not a situation one is in. I'm saying, what's the point of criticizing people whose choices in life do not affect you? And why laugh at everything. Some people think "living a little" is just free-based living, doing whatever you feel, sort of like absolute chaos. I think "living a little" is just accepting life as it is. Like laughing at people in their faces. I think that's unnecessary. Shame is due in a lot of places for some people. Having no shame is NOT "living a little" This is where I might come off as a hypocrite. People who criticize things they haven't tried or are too afraid to try because of taboo's need to live a little. Take a simple thing like marijuana for example. There are so many taboos around it and while they can be right or wrong, it shouldn't affect someone's personal decision making. It's just annoying when people criticize the lifestyles of others for choices they make, especially when it's not something you can feel sympathy/empathy about.
University deadlines:
I'm behind in all ways, and everywhere possible. It's just impossible. I probably will work less than I already do since I have a laptop. Which, if anyone was to put a value on how much work one does, would bring my value of work done into the negative integers.
The Australia "Band":
We've got a lot of work to do. Stop talking, you brats. Also: Kirk, cut stage band down already, please! Haha.
Girls I'm attracted to:
I'm not going to lie, the white in me gives me a bad case of yellow fever.
Barack Obama:
Barack Obama!!!!111!!!!11!11!!111 (Don't hate me, Lisa.)
Aladdin:
How the fuck do I act this role?
Turning 18 sooner or later this year:
Sex toys are gonna be some downright hilarious gifts to give.
My musical taste:
I generally like everything that I like. My taste in music is like my taste in women, peculiar, and I usually like them older. To name a few:
De La Soul
Fleetwood Mac
A Tribe Called Quest
Do Make Say Think
Broken Social Scene
Feist
Elliott Smith
Santana
The Mars Volta
Tool
The Fugees
Lauryn Hill
Justice
Daft Punk
Michael Jackson
Nujabes
Beirut.
Some of my older, ambiguous Livejournal entries:
I'm not going to lie, most of them were directed to girls I have liked, some that in life I consider myself still potentially able to.
This entry:
A long, boring-ass peer into my life. Especially for 2 in the morning. This was fun. I hope someone out there who thinks I'm cute and wants my number or something will appreciate this. Goodnight.
What I think about my mom being 21 and my dad being 16:
I think anyone that says I'm an accident is probably right, but it still bothers me. I've confronted my mom about it and I remember exactly what she said: "We wanted you right from the moment we found out I was pregnant." Which makes a lot of sense to me and doesn't make me any different from anyone else. Think about it this way: if your mom and dad were married and planning to have a child, sure it's something that was planned, but its a pretty fucking vague thing to want. Your parents planning to have you doesn't make them love or appreciate you any more than mine do with me being an accident, because the child your parents wanted didn't exist before pregnancy: placing a label like love on something that doesn't exist is just illegal. In a simpler way of putting it, it's like me saying I want a CD. I don't love the CD because I don't know what it is. But when I walk into HMV (which, coincidentally, I actually did) and see Do Make Say Think's "Winter Hymn Country Hymn Secret Hymn" (which I bought today), that's the moment I love it because it's there waiting for me to have it, in which buying it or leaving it there is another metaphor for the same choice my parents had to make in wanting me. Your parents probably chose they wanted to get pregnant and stopped using contraceptives, hence the moment of "purchase" in the case of the CD. My parents still had to make the choice to "purchase" me, and thus here I am today. I don't doubt for a second that I was an accident, but I also don't doubt my parents love me equally as your parents love you.
What I think about my mom living in Florida:
It's a great opportunity, she did say she went there to open doors for me. It has messed up my life. When my mom lived here it was spending these days with my mom and these with my dad, which never bothered me at all. My parents were never married so please stop saying "Oh, your parents are divorced?" when I tell you that my parents aren't together. They are separated. Anyway. All my life that my parents weren't together, it was usually living with my mom in her parents' house, which also housed my aunt, 23, and my two uncles, 25 and 35. A big family, and the side of my family where I feel culture. Never big, elaborate Christmas gifts, just a candid family with flaws that I have come to love, which most probably don't, but I do anyway. I especially felt culture on that side because of the contrast between there and my dad's family, which, to be honest, is white in all the meaning of the word "white." They spoil and pamper me (I love it) and they are equally great personalities, but aren't quite as candid and expressed. Then my mom left. I spent most of the week with my dad, and still spent the weekend with my maternal grandparents and aunt and uncles. For a little side note, I've never been comfortable talking to my dad or letting him peer into my personal life, which my solution is to compulsively lie to him. Lies to cover up who I am, what I do, where I go, everything. I've lied to spend more time with my maternal grandparents. I feel horrible but I just do it. My dad started wondering why I spend the weekends there all the time and got all iffy about it, and I don't really spend much time there anymore. I hate it. I have an absolutely irregular life because my mom lives so far away. It's like being torn between two families. Believe me, I could never make a decision between both, and even if I could, I would never voice that choice because I imagine it would hurt someone.
What I think when I like a girl:
I like to think I get pretty romantic. Something allows me to fuck it up each time though, but maybe I'm just choosing the wrong people. Probably not, because I don't think I've liked the wrong person at all in my life. I just like who I want to, and though it generally doesn't go out in my favour, liking someone is fun business, no matter who it is. I like doing nice, romantic things for people. There are a couple people who I can consider myself able to like at any point in my life that probably don't reciprocate those feelings. Unless it's a special occasion, I am way better off liking a girl first and getting her attention, because people that like me first generally get me thinking too much about whether I really like them or not. I also have a very picky, peculiar taste. When I like someone I usually think about making the right moves that I make the wrong ones. People say, "Be natural." but I actually really am. I don't know how else to act, right? If you like someone, you want to do the right thing and although it usually doesn't turn out as intended, it's still genuine. Asking someone elses advice on someone you like isn't a very genuine source, because someone can't see from the same perspective of how you feel about someone. And generally, people really don't care about someone elses romantic interest in someone else, unless it's someone they also share feelings for.
The definition of "living a little":
This is a hard one to voice, but it's worth mentioning because the way some people are in how they live is just irritating to me. The logical starting point is criticizing the lifestyles of others. I don't think criticism is due anywhere where it's not a situation one is in. I'm saying, what's the point of criticizing people whose choices in life do not affect you? And why laugh at everything. Some people think "living a little" is just free-based living, doing whatever you feel, sort of like absolute chaos. I think "living a little" is just accepting life as it is. Like laughing at people in their faces. I think that's unnecessary. Shame is due in a lot of places for some people. Having no shame is NOT "living a little" This is where I might come off as a hypocrite. People who criticize things they haven't tried or are too afraid to try because of taboo's need to live a little. Take a simple thing like marijuana for example. There are so many taboos around it and while they can be right or wrong, it shouldn't affect someone's personal decision making. It's just annoying when people criticize the lifestyles of others for choices they make, especially when it's not something you can feel sympathy/empathy about.
University deadlines:
I'm behind in all ways, and everywhere possible. It's just impossible. I probably will work less than I already do since I have a laptop. Which, if anyone was to put a value on how much work one does, would bring my value of work done into the negative integers.
The Australia "Band":
We've got a lot of work to do. Stop talking, you brats. Also: Kirk, cut stage band down already, please! Haha.
Girls I'm attracted to:
I'm not going to lie, the white in me gives me a bad case of yellow fever.
Barack Obama:
Barack Obama!!!!111!!!!11!11!!111 (Don't hate me, Lisa.)
Aladdin:
How the fuck do I act this role?
Turning 18 sooner or later this year:
Sex toys are gonna be some downright hilarious gifts to give.
My musical taste:
I generally like everything that I like. My taste in music is like my taste in women, peculiar, and I usually like them older. To name a few:
De La Soul
Fleetwood Mac
A Tribe Called Quest
Do Make Say Think
Broken Social Scene
Feist
Elliott Smith
Santana
The Mars Volta
Tool
The Fugees
Lauryn Hill
Justice
Daft Punk
Michael Jackson
Nujabes
Beirut.
Some of my older, ambiguous Livejournal entries:
I'm not going to lie, most of them were directed to girls I have liked, some that in life I consider myself still potentially able to.
This entry:
A long, boring-ass peer into my life. Especially for 2 in the morning. This was fun. I hope someone out there who thinks I'm cute and wants my number or something will appreciate this. Goodnight.