[FIC] Carry Your Shame 18/25
Rating: NC-17
Beta: Laura aka- gottriplets <3
Warnings: First time sex, blow jobs, exhibitionism, sexting, gay sex all around- the usual :)
Summary: Kurt's spent his entire life being pushed around and ignored. He's never had a single friend until he met Blaine Anderson, a swimmer for the National Team and McKinley's Golden Boy. When the boys fall for each other, Kurt has to learn the hard way that there are some things even love can't fix-like the fact that his step-brother and boyfriend are mortal enemies. Will Blaine be willing to give up everything to be with Kurt or will they crumble under the pressure to become what everyone else is trying to turn them into?
This was written for this GKM prompt, so go check it out and possibly leave me some love <3
Word Count: 7,886 Total: 123,773
Part 1/ Part 2/ Part 3/ Blaine Interlude 3.5/ Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7/ Part 8/ Part 9/ Blaine Interlude 9.5/ Part 10/ Part 11/ Part 12 // Part 13// Blaine Interlude 13.5// Part 14// Part 15// Part 16// Part 17// Blaine Interlude 17.5// Part 18// Part 19//Part 20
*You can also read the chapters on Tumblr at this link*
Carry Your Shame Playlist (organized by chapter)
“I can’t believe you get to go out while I’m stuck at home all weekend,” Finn grumbled as Kurt moved around the kitchen in a hurry to clean up after the brunch their family had just finished. “The only reason I’m grounded is because you ratted me out.”
“Yeah, well maybe next time you’ll think before you decide to bully somebody,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. They’d already had this annoying argument multiple times in the past week since Finn had gotten punished for outing Blaine and getting into a fight at school.
“He hurt you,” Finn argued, annoyed. “How can you still defend him?”
“Nobody deserves to be bullied, Finn,” he said. “No matter what. I know that your heart was at least partially in the right place and I know that Blaine is far from innocent at this point, but he still doesn’t deserve the way you treat him. He definitely didn’t deserve you outing him. Before that he had never done anything against you.”
“You don’t need to lecture me, Mom and Burt already did,” Finn said.
“And did you even listen to a word they said? Do you even feel guilty?” he asked.
“Of course I do,” Finn said. “But I still don’t like the guy.”
“Why?” he asked, not sure if he even wanted to get into this when he needed to be leaving soon.
He still had to drive out to Wapakoneta in time to meet Blaine, who would only have an hour or two to hang out since he had to leave by four-thirty to get to a fancy dinner in Cincinnati for Mr. Anderson’s office. Kurt would have to leave straight from Angeli’s to meet Evan in order for them to make it in time for this underground rap concert that Evan was dying to see. They wouldn’t have a lot of time together today, but it would be worth it in order to see Blaine.
“He gets everything,” Finn argued, sounding like a child.
“He does not get everything,” he defended with a roll of his eyes. “His life is a lot more stressful than you think. It’s not all expensive cars and college parties. He works really hard.”
Finn didn’t say anything as Kurt finished drying the last of the dishes and put them back on the shelf. Kurt wasn’t sure if he had even listened to a word he’d said or if Finn was just contemplating new ways to get back at Blaine. He was surprised when Finn finally spoke up just as Kurt was grabbing his bag to leave for the day.
“Is his dad always so…” Finn trailed off, unable to find the right word to describe Mr. Anderson, but he didn’t need to. Kurt had plenty of adjectives of his own to fill into that question, not one of them was positive. If Finn had met Mr. Anderson, Kurt was sure he knew exactly what Finn was trying to ask him.
“Yeah,” he said, not elaborating any more, but he did give Finn an expectant look, daring him to say something negative-pleading with him to understand.
He knew that deep down, past all of his insecurities, Finn was a good guy. He just wished he could get past whatever jealousy he had of Blaine and be that guy. He was tired of dealing with Finn when he was acting like such a douche-bag.
“Remind my dad that I won’t be back until after ten,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand and headed out the door. He was going to be late if he stayed to talk to Finn any longer. Besides, knowing Finn, it would probably take a few days for what he said to really sink in.
From Kurt:
Heading out now. See you soon.
From Blaine:
Yay! I’m just getting out of practice now though. I’ll be a little late but YES! I’ll see you soon!!! :)
****
Kurt sat in Angeli’s coffee shop, waiting for Blaine to hurry up and get there already. He was currently sharing a cup of coffee with Blaine’s aunt as they waited. It wasn’t that he minded talking to the woman-he adored her. It was just that he only had a limited amount of time to see Blaine and with every minute he was late, it was another minute less they’d have together.
They’d been doing this for the last two weeks, grabbing any sort of time they could together. Kurt was a boarding student at Dalton now with a strict eight o’clock curfew on weekdays, which made it difficult to juggle their schedules. Dublin, Ohio, where Blaine was swimming for the rest of spring and summer, wasn’t that far from Dalton though. During the week, they would sometimes be able to squeeze a quick snack or coffee together. Usually it wasn’t for more than twenty minutes because Kurt would have to get to Warblers practice and Blaine would need to get to the pool. It was a lot of hassle for such a short amount of time together, but Kurt knew Blaine needed a friend and he selfishly couldn’t stay away from Blaine, especially now that Evan had stopped bugging him about it.
Kurt was living at school now made it even harder to spend time together, but he still came home on the weekends. Last Sunday they’d been able to steal away to a matinée of the new movie Source Code (they both had a small thing for Jake Gyllenhaal ever since Brokeback Mountain). That didn’t look like it would be a regular occurrence though as Blaine was about to start seriously competing again and Kurt’s family was adamant that he spend a lot of time at home now on the weekends since he didn’t live there during the school week.
It was a headache to find time together, sure, but it was worth it. Blaine would always be worth the extra effort.
“Blaine tells me that you perform with your school’s singing group?” Angeli asked.
“The Warblers, yeah. It’s an a capella group,” he explained, careful to slow his speech enough that she could follow him easily but not slow enough that it was insulting to her. He knew English was her second language and she wasn’t as fluent as she would like to be. Blaine had told him she got embarrassed anytime she had to ask somebody to slow down or repeat themselves, so she’d usually just pretend she understood something when she didn’t.
“Do you enjoy it?” she asked.
“Yes, of course,” he said. “They can be a bit stuffy sometimes with their song choices, but it’s fun. I really enjoy singing.”
“My Blaine keeps talking about wanting to sing but he won’t try out,” she said with a ‘tsk’.
“He’s too busy trying to prepare for Worlds,” he said, though he was pretty sure that wasn’t Blaine’s only reason for not wanting to join New Directions.
Apart from the social suicide joining the club could entail, Finn being the de facto leader of the club pretty much guaranteed Blaine would never join. Kurt was still surprised. Blaine had never mentioned any desire to start performing. Kurt had always told him he’d be good at it and Blaine was the one to brush him off.
“I think he’s hesitant to live in his brother’s shadow,” she explained. “He used to sing a lot more as a child, but once his brother started picking on him, he pulled away.”
For starters, Kurt was pretty sure that Blaine would never have to live in anybody’s shadow considering how obsessed his father was with Blaine’s swimming. Even if Cooper had starred in a few national commercials, Kurt didn’t know why that would hold Blaine back from trying something he wanted to do. Then again, he never did see Cooper and Mr. Anderson together and Blaine said his dad worshipped his eldest, so he couldn’t really assume he knew anything about their relationships.
That wasn’t what struck him as strange, though. It sounded weird to hear Angeli talk about Cooper with such annoyance when she only ever spoke highly of Blaine. He had to remind himself that Cooper wasn’t actually her nephew. Blaine’s dad had been married to someone else when he’d gotten Blaine’s mother pregnant. Cooper and Blaine were only half-siblings. In fact, they only lived together during summers and holidays.
“Do you think Blaine actually likes swimming?” Kurt asked her.
He always asked Blaine but he was never sure if he believed him when he said yes. Not when his dad put so much pressure on him to succeed and it always stressed him out so much.
“He enjoys himself well enough when he’s in the pool,” she said. “Most days, I think he’d be happier to leave all the competition behind, but he enjoys being good at something.”
“Do you think?” Kurt asked, doubtfully. If he trusted anybody to truly know Blaine, it was Angeli. But still, Kurt didn’t understand how something so stressful, something that took so much work and sacrifice could bring him happiness.
“When my Dayong was fourteen, he broke his wrist and couldn’t swim for several weeks,” she said with a sad look in her eyes he didn’t see often. “He was miserable. We all assumed it was from the attack and we were probably right, but you should have seen him the day he got to go into the pool again.”
Kurt gave her a curious look when she didn’t respond for a moment, almost like she’d forgotten he was there. A moment later she looked over and gave him a fond smile.
“It was like all of his worries were washed away and my little angel was back. Very few things can do that for him,” she said with a significant look that Kurt didn’t want to read too much into for fear of what he’d discover in it.
“I guess,” he shrugged.
“Oh Balong,” she said warmly. Kurt smiled because she only ever used Tagalog when speaking with Blaine, never with him. It made him feel warm inside. “You’re so young. You don’t understand yet.”
“Understand what?” he asked.
“Just because something is hard-it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Sometimes the best things in life are the things you have to work at to get right,” she said.
“Why do I get the feeling you aren’t talking about swimming anymore?” he asked, knowingly.
She just laughed and moved to stand up as Blaine’s car pulled into the parking lot out front. He ran in with a goofy smile and didn’t even pull away when Angeli pulled him in for a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
“I did it!” Blaine proclaimed loudly to the mostly empty shop. “I just did my 50M Free in 21.47.”
“That’s good? Right?” Kurt asked.
He understood swimming well enough at a meet. The numbers got posted on a board and he could understand what a phenomenal time Blaine had when he could see how much slower everyone else was. He didn’t quite know what Blaine was talking about most of the time, though, when he just threw times at him blindly.
“I knew you’d do it,” Angeli said, giving him another kiss on the cheek. She led him to their table and sat him down before proclaiming that she was going to grab them some dessert to celebrate.
“That’s like Olympic time fast!” Blaine said, wearing an infectious grin. “Alain Bernard took silver with 21.45 in Beijing but that was with the high tech suits they banned this year! Which means my time might actually be able to beat those guys. I could actually place at Worlds! I could go to the Olympics. Shit, Kurt, I could really do this!”
“I’m so proud of you!” Angeli yelled from her spot behind the counter where she was fixing him up a drink.
“Congrats!” Kurt said, feeling second-hand excitement at the way Blaine was bouncing in his seat. Kurt found he couldn’t wipe the smile of his own face either.
“Did you call your father?” Angeli asked, setting down a plate of a few cookies and a strawberry smoothie.
“He told me if I could hit that at the Michigan Grand Prix next week, he’d let me bring a friend to Shanghai!” Blaine said, eyes going wide like an excited puppy. “How do you feel about Chinese food?” he turned to ask Kurt.
“What? Me? Are you serious?” he asked, his jaw dropping. Blaine couldn’t be asking him to go to China with him in July, could he?
“Well I have to hit the time first, but yeah?” Blaine smiled at him like there was nobody else he would even consider inviting. “All expenses paid.”
“That sounds great,” he found himself answering before he even thought about what he was agreeing to. Then again, how could he really say no to Blaine when he looked like that and was offering something as amazing as a trip to China? There was nothing wrong with him going to watch a competition for one of his good friends, after all. He was just being supportive.
“Your father’s honestly going to allow that?” Angeli asked, giving him an amused look.
“I’m sure there will be a laundry list of stipulations to come, but yes,” he said. “You know he’s never been above bribery to get me to work harder.”
Angeli asked him what he wanted for lunch and went off to fix them both something to eat, leaving them alone to settle back down.
“I know your dad’s rich and all, but how can he afford to buy you such extravagant gifts every time you win?” Kurt asked, careful not to say that he thought his dad spoiled him, because that was hardly the truth. Blaine might get a lot of things from his dad, but he didn’t get most of the things he needed, like love. After Finn had told Blaine that Kurt thought his dad didn’t love him (which weren’t his exact words but was close enough for Kurt to feel ashamed about them), he was careful not to imply anything about Blaine’s parents.
“His family comes from money. They have a lot of investments and my grandpa owns like half of the apartment buildings in Cincinnati,” he shrugged.
“Still,” Kurt said. “You got a new car stereo when you broke the state record. He’s going to pay for one of your friends to go to China if you get a good time in Michigan. What’s he going to buy you if you win World’s? Or qualify for the Olympics? A small island?”
“Do you know what the prize money is like when you win one of these international competitions?” Blaine asked and Kurt shook his head, no. He didn’t spend a lot of time researching the details of Blaine’s meets much past how many attractive men in swim suits would be there.
“It’s a lot,” Blaine said with a smirk. “Like, enough money to fund me running away to Europe and never come back.”
“Okay,” he said, not really sure where Blaine was going with this. If he was winning all of this money, why was his dad also giving him gifts?
“I made a deal with my dad a long time ago, the first time I medaled at Nationals and they offered me a check for $500,” Blaine explained, settling into his seat and making himself comfortable for what was looking to be a long conversation.
“My dad turned the check down,” he continued. “I threw a fit, obviously. My dad sat me down and explained that if I wanted to swim in college that I couldn’t ever accept any money for swimming. If I did, I wouldn’t be considered an amateur swimmer. I told him that I didn’t care about college. I mean, I was only twelve and $500 might as well have been a million. I just kept thinking about how many comic books I could buy with that money.”
“So your dad bought you a present instead,” Kurt said, filling in the blanks for himself.
“I made a promise that I wouldn’t go pro and in exchange he told me that he would make sure I was always rewarded for my hard work like I deserved to be. When my dad bought my car for winning nationals, I had just turned down a ton of prize money as well as a sponsorship with Speedo that would have funded my swimming career for a long, long time.”
“You were offered a sponsorship with Speedo?” Kurt asked, feeling his jaw drop. He knew Blaine was a good swimmer, but shit. He didn’t realize he was that well known for it. Suddenly, Kurt was picturing Blaine’s face in magazine ads, soaking wet and wearing nothing but his bathing suit. He was embarrassed by how sad he felt when he realized they didn’t exist.
“I’m no Natalie Coughlin or Michael Phelps. I wouldn’t have been doing advertisements or anything, but they said they liked to fund new talent and they knew it was a good investment in their future or something like that. My dad didn’t let me listen to them for that long before saying no. Either way, the car was a consolation prize-a very nice consolation prize, but still.”
“You know, if you really could earn this much money by going pro, why not just do it? I’m sure that you could save up enough money to pay for school with your winnings if your ultimate goal is just to get away from your dad and Ohio,” Kurt said.
“Because money can only buy so much,” Blaine said with a shrug. “My dad wants me to go to an Ivy League school after this, wants me to follow in his footsteps. I’d never get in on grades alone. But athletes can pretty much write their ticket into any school. He didn’t make this decision for financial reasons.”
“And why did you agree?” he asked, curious why Blaine wouldn’t just take the money and run away forever. He certainly wasn’t interested in going Ivy League.
“I want an education. A good one,” Blaine said. “Besides, my life is overwhelming enough. If I went pro, it would only get worse. I want to maintain some semblance of a normal childhood if I can. I think that deep down that was my dad’s real reason for keeping me an amateur. He’d never admit it of course, but still. My mom didn’t have to campaign that hard for him to let me swim at McKinley instead of just doing the international competitions year long.”
Kurt couldn’t help but picture the teen stars splattered across the pages of Teen Bop that Lauren and he would (embarrassingly) sometimes read at the bookstore together. He knew swimmers weren’t exactly like pop-stars, but it didn’t stop him from feeling suddenly awkward in Blaine’s presence. He felt unworthy, something he hadn’t felt since they first met.
“Well, I’m starting to see why Finn thinks you have everything,” Kurt said jokingly, trying not to freak out. “Do the kids at school know about all this?”
“Most of them,” Blaine said amused.
There were a lot of things Kurt wanted to say. Starting with ‘how in the world he had even become friends with somebody like Blaine, let alone slept with him?’. He had no idea that Blaine was as talented as he was. He’d always considered Blaine special, but that was because of the way they just naturally fell together. He didn’t realize Blaine was the golden boy because he was pretty much destined to end up on a cereal box or Sports Illustrated cover. He always figured the school worshiped him because he was prom king material, he didn’t realize it was because he was only a few strokes away from being famous.
“Are you alright?” Blaine asked, his grin starting to drop. “You’re not like, upset about this are you?”
“No,” he said, honestly. “Just surprised, I guess. I never realized you were practically a professional athlete.”
“I’m going to World’s this summer,” Blaine said, giving him a strange look.
“I know that,” Kurt said. “I just thought… I don’t know.”
“I told you that I’m trying out for the Olympics next year,” he continued, making Kurt feel pretty stupid for not seeing it sooner.
“Yeah but you were trying out,” Kurt said, trying to justify his sudden surprise. “I didn’t realize you might actually go.”
“And that’s what’s freaking you out?” he asked, sounding at once amused while still being vulnerable. Like he wanted to feel confident enough in their relationship to joke about it, but he knew it was all still too messed up to be so sure.
“No, of course not,” Kurt said. “I don’t care if you go to the Olympics or not. I mean, that’d be great for you so obviously I’m hoping it happens for your sake. I just… I’m questioning what you’re doing sitting here with me.”
“You’re my best friend,” Blaine said with a sad, but sincere smile, “and that other, major reason that you won’t let me say again.”
Kurt knew he was talking about the three words that he’d been doing his best to forget about, if only so he could save his sanity. He couldn’t date Evan when he was constantly thinking about how Blaine loved him. He couldn’t date Blaine though, not yet, so it was just too confusing to talk about. Yet here he was, talking about it again. It was like he enjoyed feeling lost and helpless.
“You could have any guy you wanted,” he said. “I’ve always thought that, but now more than ever. I just don’t understand why you keep coming back to me. I heard the voicemail you left me right after we had that fight. I know that you can walk into any bar and have grown men fighting over themselves to blow you…”
“What are you talking about?” Blaine whispered, his face heating up as he glanced over his shoulder to make sure that his aunt hadn’t overheard them. He looked genuinely confused. “I don’t want anyone else but you.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you could have it,” Kurt said, shaking his head and trying not to think about the man who had so carelessly dismissed him to drag Blaine away to fool around with him. They really needed to drop this now, because it was getting into dangerous territory. They’d promised not to talk about these things.
“What voicemail are you even talking about?” he asked.
Great, Kurt thought. Either Blaine had been too drunk to remember he’d let some guy blow him while he’d been talking to Kurt. Or he honestly didn’t see anything wrong with his actions, so much so in fact, that he couldn’t remember what he was talking about. Perfect.
“Forget about it,” Kurt said. “I really should get going, Evan is waiting for me.”
“Wait,” Blaine said, reaching out to grab onto Kurt’s wrist and pull him back into his seat.
Kurt looked from his wrist back up to Blaine, trying to figure out how mad he really was at Blaine. Part of him wanted to yank his hand back and storm out in a big dramatic fashion to prove to Blaine that he wouldn’t put up with this kind of shit. The other part of him wanted to hear the whole story, the small, desperate to work this out part of him. It was that part of him that glued him to his chair, holding his breath and waiting for Blaine’s next words, praying they didn’t break him again.
“Look around you,” Blaine said, his voice growing tense as Kurt saw tears swimming in his eyes. He wouldn’t let go of his wrist. In fact, he took Kurt’s other hand and held them both up to Blaine’s heart. Kurt could feel how heavy he was breathing. He could feel Blaine’s grip tightening desperately holding on.
“This is where I spend almost all of my time-a simple, small-town coffee shop that my aunt owns,” he continued. Kurt didn’t dare speak, he could barely breathe. “This is the kind of guy that I am. Beyond the swimming and popularity, this is me. It will always be me and I’ve never taken anyone here because I didn’t want them to ruin this place for me. But I took you here. The first day I met you, I took you here. Why can’t you see what that means?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt whispered.
“What is this about?” he said, sounding so broken. “Because I’ve said I’m sorry for letting you think that I only used you for sex. But you know that I wasn’t actually using you for sex, so why are you still so angry with me?”
“I’m not,” Kurt answered; surprised he could even form words.
“Then why are you with him?” Blaine asked.
“It was so easy for you to move on,” he said, feeling his words come back to him at the sharp reminder of Evan. He pulled his hands out of Blaine’s grasp and started gathering his things. It was fifteen minutes after they were both supposed to leave anyway.
“You can sit here and tell me you want me and that’s great,” he said. “It’s lovely, honestly. You always knew how to say all the right things. But your actions speak so much louder and the day after we had sex, you went to a bar and hooked up with some smarmy asshole and let me hear it over my voicemail. Evan would never do that to me.”
“I haven’t been with anybody since you,” Blaine said, looking around to make sure that his aunt wasn’t within hearing distance. “And I don’t ever want to be with anybody else again.”
“Words.” Kurt shook his head sadly. “Just words, Blaine.”
“Well, what more can I do?” he said, growing frustrated. “I’m not hiding who I am anymore. I serenaded you at school which was not for my benefit, let me tell you, since I’m getting bullied for it. I’m not fooling around with anybody else, even though, yes, the options are still available. What kind of action are you going to need from me to show you that I’m better for you than that stupid, insecure, psychotic asshole?”
“Classy,” Kurt said, feeling incredibly hurt that Blaine would decide to attack Evan when all he’d ever done was treat Kurt the way Blaine should have. How was that any better than what Finn had done to Blaine when Puck hurt him?
“Kurt-” he immediately tried to apologize but Kurt didn’t want to hear any of it.
“No,” Kurt said. “You don’t get to say anything about Evan. Evan has done nothing in any of this except for try and be your friend. Shit, I thought you two were fine after we all went to dinner. Evan keeps talking about how excited he is to take you to a soccer game. You don’t get to be jealous when the only reason I’m dating him is because you weren’t there for me.”
“I’m sorry, but he-”
“No,” Kurt said, holding his hand up. “Stop talking. You are going to stop talking badly about a boy that has been nothing but kind to me and we are going to pretend this conversation never happened.”
“What if I don’t want to?” Blaine asked.
“Then that’s really sad because that means I don’t think we can be friends and I really don’t want to go back to not talking to you. Despite how angry I am, you’re still my best friend, so I need you to just stop fucking talking,” he hissed.
Blaine nodded, staring down at his feet like he’d just had his puppy kicked. Kurt couldn’t let himself feel guilty though. Blaine’s the one who screwed up their relationship; he didn’t get to be upset with Kurt. Not when Kurt was trying to help build back what they’d had before. Sure, Blaine might not have been happy with the boundaries Kurt put up between them, but Blaine didn’t get to say anything about them. Besides, if he was angry, he should take it out on Kurt, not Evan.
“You can call me tonight if you decide to stop acting like such a jerk,” Kurt said, leaving the shop and getting in his car. He was surprised by how quickly a pleasant afternoon together had gone downhill, but he figured he should be used to it by now. Things with Blaine were always so extreme-whether they were extremely happy or depressing changed with every minute but they were always extreme.
He drove the entire way to Evan’s in silence, unwilling to turn the radio on for fear of something reminding him of Blaine. He just needed some time to pull himself back together before he saw his boyfriend. The last thing he wanted was for Evan to find out that he was late because he’d been busy arguing with a boy he’d claimed was only a friend about why they weren’t boyfriends.
Nope. He wasn’t going to let that cat out of the bag. Not now, not ever.
“Hey Sweetheart,” Evan said, once he slipped into the passenger seat.
Kurt tried not to cringe at the pet name, sure that it was only annoying him because he was still annoyed from his fight with Blaine. Evan certainly hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he’d been waiting patiently on the porch for Kurt to show up like a good boyfriend should. He never kept Kurt waiting. He was never late.
“Hey,” Kurt said, accepting Evan’s kiss but not really putting much effort into it. He didn’t even bother explaining why he was fifteen minutes late, like he usually would.
“I can’t wait for you to see these guys, you’re going to love them,” Evan said clapping his hands excitedly.
Kurt highly doubted there was a single rapper he could watch that would make him suddenly fall in love, especially since Evan’s words to describe the group were things like dirty and gritty which were the last words Kurt would ever associate with himself. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop him from agreeing, albeit slightly sarcastically.
When Evan reached over to turn on the radio to the alternative station he loved. Kurt bit his tongue as some punk rock song came through the speakers.
He liked Evan; he wasn’t going to snap at him. No, he was just upset with Blaine.
****
Kurt didn’t get home from the show until around midnight, and when he did, his ears were still bleeding from the torture they’d endured that night. Kurt had smiled and pretended to enjoy it, but inside he just wanted to cry the entire time. The place had been filled with a bunch of guys in ill-fitting pants, swaying to the too-loud bass and crappy microphones. There were several fights that had to be broken up by security and Evan told him it was all part of the ‘experience’ as if the more riled up the crowd got, the better the music became.
“You don’t have to say you like everything that he does,” his dad had told him when he walked in and immediately glared at his question of if he’d had fun or not. His dad had backed off immediately.
What did his dad know, though? He didn’t see Evan’s face anytime Kurt agreed with something he said. He didn’t see the way it lit up like Christmas morning. If this was the sacrifice he had to make for his boyfriend, he’d do it. It wasn’t like Evan hadn’t spent more than a few nights watching movies he could care less about because it was what Kurt wanted to watch.
Sure, Evan spent most of those nights with his face buried in Kurt’s neck, trying to make out with him instead of watching the movie, but that was normal. They were teenagers. At least he didn’t ever have to compete for Evan’s attention.
No, Kurt really liked Evan. So he wasn’t really sure why everything he’d done today seemed to annoy him so much, starting with the way he possessively put his hand on Kurt’s back and lead him around like he was some four year old who’d get lost in the crowd, and ending with the way Evan hadn’t even noticed how fake his smile had been when he’d said he enjoyed the concert.
Usually Evan had a way of taking his mind off of Blaine, but today all he’d done was remind Kurt of the ways in which he wasn’t Blaine.
Kurt’s phone when off and he groaned when he saw it was from the boy who’d ruined what was supposed to be a perfectly nice evening out with his boyfriend.
From Blaine:
Please tell me that I didn’t leave a voicemail for you the day after we broke up.
Kurt rolled his eyes at the text message. He was tempted to delete it. Hadn’t he made it clear that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore? He just wanted to go to bed and wake up forgetting this entire, horrible day. He typed out a bitter response, hoping it hurt when Blaine read it.
From Kurt:
We were never together.
From Blaine:
You know what I mean :(
Did I really leave you a voicemail?
Kurt didn’t respond to the message. He didn’t want to talk about Blaine and some other guy that he’d been dancing with all night before Blaine decided he just had to talk to Kurt. He didn’t want to hear Blaine claim that he was drunk and forgot about it. He didn’t want Blaine to ask for forgiveness when Kurt knew he’d spent the night getting laid while Kurt had been at home feeling miserable about himself and wondering if Blaine would ever love him.
From Blaine:
Please don’t do this. That night was a blur. I remember wanting to talk to you though.
I wanted to tell you that I love you.
I didn’t think I actually called you though...
From Kurt:
Yeah, well you did.
He texted back viciously, before deciding to add more. If Blaine wasn’t going to drop it, neither was Kurt.
From Kurt:
Except you didn’t tell me you loved me. Your lovely fuck of the week cut you off before you could say anything of importance.
From Blaine:
I didn’t sleep with that guy.
From Kurt:
I guess getting head in the bathroom of a club doesn’t constitute as sex for you.
From Blaine:
I didn’t do anything with him.
From Kurt:
It doesn’t really matter if you did or didn’t. You still spent the night out at a club dancing with other guys the day after you broke my heart.
Actions speak louder…
Kurt’s phone was ringing in his hand instantly and he pressed the ignore button three times before finally deciding to answer.
“I danced with him, sure. But I only ever wanted you,” Blaine said frantically, in lieu of a greeting. “I only went to that club to try and forget about you because the thought of breaking up with you was so horrifying that I wanted to die.”
“Then you shouldn’t have done it in the first place,” Kurt said. “You could have talked to me. We could have figured something out. The fact that your first idea of how to deal with pain is to go out and fuck some other guy tells me that I can’t trust you. What happens when we are together and I do something to piss you off?”
“It won’t be like that,” Blaine said. “I would never cheat on you.”
“But if it’s twenty-four hours after breaking up, it’s okay?” he asked, spitting the words out like they were venom. He’d been on edge all night and now Blaine had set himself up to be the perfect punching bag.
“It isn’t like that,” Blaine said. Kurt could hear the frustration in his voice. He knew how upset Blaine got when he felt like he wasn’t getting heard. “I left that guy to call you and try to talk things through. It’s not my fault he got the wrong impression and stole my phone. His actions don’t have anything to do with us. I didn’t sleep with him. In fact, I almost punched his lights out when he got upset I said no. Nothing happened and you really can’t be mad at me just because some guy wanted it to.”
“What do you want me to say here, Blaine?” he said. “I have a boyfriend. You fucked up and I have a boyfriend now. You expect me to just dump him?”
There was the slightest part of him, the tiniest little bit, that wanted Blaine to say yes. The part of him that knew he would never really love anyone but Blaine, that part of him was so ready to dump Evan. But his head was screaming at him to stop. Evan was a good guy and one awkward date didn’t change that. Kurt couldn’t just go dumping a perfectly good boyfriend who made him happy just because Blaine said so. That wasn’t right...
“I just want you to say that you believe me when I tell you I never meant to hurt you,” Blaine said. “I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”
“Are you sure about that?” Kurt said with a snort.
“Do you honestly believe I would?” he asked, sounding hurt.
“I don’t know,” Kurt said with a deep sigh. “It’s a lot to process and we aren’t supposed to be talking about this.”
“Right,” Blaine said bitterly. “Those fucking boxes.”
“I don’t think our friendship is going to work without them,” he said.
“Maybe our friendship isn’t working because we were always meant to be more than friends,” Blaine said. “Did you ever think of that?”
“I’m dating Evan, Blaine,” he said, but the argument was starting to sound old, even to his ears. “How many times do I have to remind you of that?”
“Do you love him?” Blaine asked.
“We just started dating,” he said, knowing the answer was no and dreading what he knew Blaine’s next question was going to be.
“You’ve dated him longer than you were with me,” Blaine said.
“That was different,” he said, trying to find a way to justify why he didn’t love a boy he’d been with for three months.
“Please explain to me how you could fall in love with me in a month, but still don’t love him if he’s so great?” Blaine asked.
“I don’t know,” Kurt said, admitting the one thing that had been simmering in his mind all afternoon. If he was being honest, he’d been thinking about it for the last few weeks actually, but had been barely able to admit it to himself. He honestly didn’t know why he was fighting so hard to keep Evan.
Sure he was great, but he never felt 100% comfortable with him the way he did with Blaine. Kurt had stuck around and kept waiting for it to happen with more time, but it never did. He was always biting his tongue and holding back his opinion around Evan. They had a good relationship, one Kurt certainly didn’t regret, but it wasn’t passionate. Kurt had to be heavily making out with Evan before he’d even get hard, but with Blaine all he had to do was think about the feeling of Blaine’s lips on his and he’d be ready to go.
Sure, sex wasn’t everything in a relationship. It should be something, though. And if that epic, mind blowing, toe-curling sex was with somebody that he also considered his best friend, wasn’t that the best option for Kurt?
So why wasn’t he running at the opportunity to be with Blaine again?
“I just wish something so much better for you than him,” Blaine explained. “I’ve seen you two together and he’s cute but do you have anything in common except the Warblers and Dalton?”
“We’re boyfriends, not best friends,” he said, though the excuse sounded flimsy, even to his own ears. “We don’t have to share all the same interests. They say opposites attract.”
“You’re with him so you can have an excuse not to be with me,” Blaine said. “That’s the only reason you’re still hanging onto him. I’m just trying to figure out why.”
“I don’t know,” he said, terrified that Blaine might be right. That couldn’t be the only reason he was with Evan though… No. He was with Evan because he made him feel good. It made him feel special and wanted when he got to walk down the hallways holding another boy’s hand. He liked having somebody to call him every night and wish him a good night’s sleep.
It might be corny, but he enjoyed all of those things that Evan did for him. He liked having a boyfriend far more than having a boy he just fooled around with all of the time.
“Let me paint you a picture,” Blaine said. “Wednesday night is the Lady Gaga concert we have tickets for. I’m sure you remember because you worked so hard to save up money to see the show but still couldn’t afford the tickets. I got them for you for Christmas. While I had a million other gift ideas in mind, I knew that this one in particular would make your face light up with that bright smile you’re usually too embarrassed to show anyone.
“We’ll go together, obviously, because you know there’s nobody you’d rather enjoy music with than me. I’ll admit to you that I’m not incredibly fond of Lady Gaga’s live performances and we’ll argue about it on the car ride into Cincinnati until I tell you that she’s still a musical god and I really appreciate her lyrics and musicality. After that, we’ll go to dinner at this little French bakery waxing poetically about her lyrics.”
“A bakery?” Kurt interrupted.
“Yes, a bakery. Most guys would take you to a full dinner, but I know you better than that. I know that you can’t eat a big meal if you know that you’re going to be in a crowd. You’re slightly claustrophobic and feel nauseous around that many people even though you’ve never admitted it to anyone. Your dad told me once at family dinner that you once threw up at a carnival because you got lost in a crowd and ever since then you refuse to eat a lot if you know you’re going to be around a lot of people. It’s why I bought us box seats, so we don’t have to spend the whole night suffocated by people we don’t know.”
Kurt held a hand up against his heart, pressing down hard. It felt like it was being pulled out of his chest and he was trying to push it back in, trying to stop the pain.
“It’ll be a French bakery, because we both love the food and I’ll want to hear you try and impress me with your French skills when you order for the two of us,” Blaine continued so smoothly, that Kurt wondered if he hadn’t been practicing this speech all night long. “You’re going to jump around and dance, screaming all the words to every song. You’ll even get me to dance along as well, because we’ll both be high on adrenaline and good music-which means we are going to be starving afterwards.
“I’ll stop at Denny’s, where you’re going to order the pancakes because you claim it’s your favorite meal. I’ll order grilled cheese with French fries because I don’t order meals without a potato and you always tease me for it. When the meals come, though, we’ll switch plates. I can never resist pancakes, and you like comfort food much more than you care to admit.
“You and I? We work. Somehow, whenever we are together, it just works. We’ve never had a problem doing things together, it’s never been awkward for us the way it is for all of my friends whenever they start dating somebody. Can you say that about him?”
Kurt shook his head, but couldn’t seem to find the words to vocalize anything at the moment. His heart still felt like it was going to explode or something. He wondered if that was what it felt like to have a heart attack.
“We’re perfect together,” Blaine said, continuing, somehow knowing that Kurt was still there listening even though he hadn’t said a word in the last ten minutes. “You will never, ever have to pretend to like something just because I do. We’ll bicker over tiny things like how much salt to put on the popcorn or what season of Doctor Who is the best, but we won’t ever make each other feel like they have to change who they are just to make the other one happy. Because we’ll know that we love each other exactly the way they are.”
“Blaine,” he whispers faintly, his name sounding closer to a breath of air.
“I know you’re scared,” Blaine said. “You trusted me with this and I broke it. It hurt so you’re scared to trust me again. But I promise you that I will make it worth it. I’m never going to call you Baby or Sweetheart because I know how much those terms annoy you. You don’t like feeling owned. I understand because it’s the same way you cringed when Evan said you were his boyfriend, like you were a toy. You hate feeling submissive to somebody else because you think they don’t trust you enough to dominate. That was never an issue with us. You knew that I always thought you were the strong one. You submitted to me. You would moan when my body would cover yours and I would pin you down. You knew that it didn’t mean I thought you were something to be owned like it does with everyone else. Doesn’t that ever make you wonder?”
“Please,” Kurt said, unsure what he was pleading Blaine for exactly. Not knowing if he wanted him to stop or keep talking.
“I’m just asking for you to love me again,” Blaine said. “Make me yours.”
“You stupid boy,” Kurt said affectionately. “Me loving you has never been the problem.”
“Then what is?” he asked, but he wouldn’t get an answer.
Beta: Laura aka- gottriplets <3
Warnings: First time sex, blow jobs, exhibitionism, sexting, gay sex all around- the usual :)
Summary: Kurt's spent his entire life being pushed around and ignored. He's never had a single friend until he met Blaine Anderson, a swimmer for the National Team and McKinley's Golden Boy. When the boys fall for each other, Kurt has to learn the hard way that there are some things even love can't fix-like the fact that his step-brother and boyfriend are mortal enemies. Will Blaine be willing to give up everything to be with Kurt or will they crumble under the pressure to become what everyone else is trying to turn them into?
This was written for this GKM prompt, so go check it out and possibly leave me some love <3
Word Count: 7,886 Total: 123,773
Part 1/ Part 2/ Part 3/ Blaine Interlude 3.5/ Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7/ Part 8/ Part 9/ Blaine Interlude 9.5/ Part 10/ Part 11/ Part 12 // Part 13// Blaine Interlude 13.5// Part 14// Part 15// Part 16// Part 17// Blaine Interlude 17.5// Part 18// Part 19//Part 20
*You can also read the chapters on Tumblr at this link*
Carry Your Shame Playlist (organized by chapter)
“I can’t believe you get to go out while I’m stuck at home all weekend,” Finn grumbled as Kurt moved around the kitchen in a hurry to clean up after the brunch their family had just finished. “The only reason I’m grounded is because you ratted me out.”
“Yeah, well maybe next time you’ll think before you decide to bully somebody,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. They’d already had this annoying argument multiple times in the past week since Finn had gotten punished for outing Blaine and getting into a fight at school.
“He hurt you,” Finn argued, annoyed. “How can you still defend him?”
“Nobody deserves to be bullied, Finn,” he said. “No matter what. I know that your heart was at least partially in the right place and I know that Blaine is far from innocent at this point, but he still doesn’t deserve the way you treat him. He definitely didn’t deserve you outing him. Before that he had never done anything against you.”
“You don’t need to lecture me, Mom and Burt already did,” Finn said.
“And did you even listen to a word they said? Do you even feel guilty?” he asked.
“Of course I do,” Finn said. “But I still don’t like the guy.”
“Why?” he asked, not sure if he even wanted to get into this when he needed to be leaving soon.
He still had to drive out to Wapakoneta in time to meet Blaine, who would only have an hour or two to hang out since he had to leave by four-thirty to get to a fancy dinner in Cincinnati for Mr. Anderson’s office. Kurt would have to leave straight from Angeli’s to meet Evan in order for them to make it in time for this underground rap concert that Evan was dying to see. They wouldn’t have a lot of time together today, but it would be worth it in order to see Blaine.
“He gets everything,” Finn argued, sounding like a child.
“He does not get everything,” he defended with a roll of his eyes. “His life is a lot more stressful than you think. It’s not all expensive cars and college parties. He works really hard.”
Finn didn’t say anything as Kurt finished drying the last of the dishes and put them back on the shelf. Kurt wasn’t sure if he had even listened to a word he’d said or if Finn was just contemplating new ways to get back at Blaine. He was surprised when Finn finally spoke up just as Kurt was grabbing his bag to leave for the day.
“Is his dad always so…” Finn trailed off, unable to find the right word to describe Mr. Anderson, but he didn’t need to. Kurt had plenty of adjectives of his own to fill into that question, not one of them was positive. If Finn had met Mr. Anderson, Kurt was sure he knew exactly what Finn was trying to ask him.
“Yeah,” he said, not elaborating any more, but he did give Finn an expectant look, daring him to say something negative-pleading with him to understand.
He knew that deep down, past all of his insecurities, Finn was a good guy. He just wished he could get past whatever jealousy he had of Blaine and be that guy. He was tired of dealing with Finn when he was acting like such a douche-bag.
“Remind my dad that I won’t be back until after ten,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand and headed out the door. He was going to be late if he stayed to talk to Finn any longer. Besides, knowing Finn, it would probably take a few days for what he said to really sink in.
From Kurt:
Heading out now. See you soon.
From Blaine:
Yay! I’m just getting out of practice now though. I’ll be a little late but YES! I’ll see you soon!!! :)
****
Kurt sat in Angeli’s coffee shop, waiting for Blaine to hurry up and get there already. He was currently sharing a cup of coffee with Blaine’s aunt as they waited. It wasn’t that he minded talking to the woman-he adored her. It was just that he only had a limited amount of time to see Blaine and with every minute he was late, it was another minute less they’d have together.
They’d been doing this for the last two weeks, grabbing any sort of time they could together. Kurt was a boarding student at Dalton now with a strict eight o’clock curfew on weekdays, which made it difficult to juggle their schedules. Dublin, Ohio, where Blaine was swimming for the rest of spring and summer, wasn’t that far from Dalton though. During the week, they would sometimes be able to squeeze a quick snack or coffee together. Usually it wasn’t for more than twenty minutes because Kurt would have to get to Warblers practice and Blaine would need to get to the pool. It was a lot of hassle for such a short amount of time together, but Kurt knew Blaine needed a friend and he selfishly couldn’t stay away from Blaine, especially now that Evan had stopped bugging him about it.
Kurt was living at school now made it even harder to spend time together, but he still came home on the weekends. Last Sunday they’d been able to steal away to a matinée of the new movie Source Code (they both had a small thing for Jake Gyllenhaal ever since Brokeback Mountain). That didn’t look like it would be a regular occurrence though as Blaine was about to start seriously competing again and Kurt’s family was adamant that he spend a lot of time at home now on the weekends since he didn’t live there during the school week.
It was a headache to find time together, sure, but it was worth it. Blaine would always be worth the extra effort.
“Blaine tells me that you perform with your school’s singing group?” Angeli asked.
“The Warblers, yeah. It’s an a capella group,” he explained, careful to slow his speech enough that she could follow him easily but not slow enough that it was insulting to her. He knew English was her second language and she wasn’t as fluent as she would like to be. Blaine had told him she got embarrassed anytime she had to ask somebody to slow down or repeat themselves, so she’d usually just pretend she understood something when she didn’t.
“Do you enjoy it?” she asked.
“Yes, of course,” he said. “They can be a bit stuffy sometimes with their song choices, but it’s fun. I really enjoy singing.”
“My Blaine keeps talking about wanting to sing but he won’t try out,” she said with a ‘tsk’.
“He’s too busy trying to prepare for Worlds,” he said, though he was pretty sure that wasn’t Blaine’s only reason for not wanting to join New Directions.
Apart from the social suicide joining the club could entail, Finn being the de facto leader of the club pretty much guaranteed Blaine would never join. Kurt was still surprised. Blaine had never mentioned any desire to start performing. Kurt had always told him he’d be good at it and Blaine was the one to brush him off.
“I think he’s hesitant to live in his brother’s shadow,” she explained. “He used to sing a lot more as a child, but once his brother started picking on him, he pulled away.”
For starters, Kurt was pretty sure that Blaine would never have to live in anybody’s shadow considering how obsessed his father was with Blaine’s swimming. Even if Cooper had starred in a few national commercials, Kurt didn’t know why that would hold Blaine back from trying something he wanted to do. Then again, he never did see Cooper and Mr. Anderson together and Blaine said his dad worshipped his eldest, so he couldn’t really assume he knew anything about their relationships.
That wasn’t what struck him as strange, though. It sounded weird to hear Angeli talk about Cooper with such annoyance when she only ever spoke highly of Blaine. He had to remind himself that Cooper wasn’t actually her nephew. Blaine’s dad had been married to someone else when he’d gotten Blaine’s mother pregnant. Cooper and Blaine were only half-siblings. In fact, they only lived together during summers and holidays.
“Do you think Blaine actually likes swimming?” Kurt asked her.
He always asked Blaine but he was never sure if he believed him when he said yes. Not when his dad put so much pressure on him to succeed and it always stressed him out so much.
“He enjoys himself well enough when he’s in the pool,” she said. “Most days, I think he’d be happier to leave all the competition behind, but he enjoys being good at something.”
“Do you think?” Kurt asked, doubtfully. If he trusted anybody to truly know Blaine, it was Angeli. But still, Kurt didn’t understand how something so stressful, something that took so much work and sacrifice could bring him happiness.
“When my Dayong was fourteen, he broke his wrist and couldn’t swim for several weeks,” she said with a sad look in her eyes he didn’t see often. “He was miserable. We all assumed it was from the attack and we were probably right, but you should have seen him the day he got to go into the pool again.”
Kurt gave her a curious look when she didn’t respond for a moment, almost like she’d forgotten he was there. A moment later she looked over and gave him a fond smile.
“It was like all of his worries were washed away and my little angel was back. Very few things can do that for him,” she said with a significant look that Kurt didn’t want to read too much into for fear of what he’d discover in it.
“I guess,” he shrugged.
“Oh Balong,” she said warmly. Kurt smiled because she only ever used Tagalog when speaking with Blaine, never with him. It made him feel warm inside. “You’re so young. You don’t understand yet.”
“Understand what?” he asked.
“Just because something is hard-it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Sometimes the best things in life are the things you have to work at to get right,” she said.
“Why do I get the feeling you aren’t talking about swimming anymore?” he asked, knowingly.
She just laughed and moved to stand up as Blaine’s car pulled into the parking lot out front. He ran in with a goofy smile and didn’t even pull away when Angeli pulled him in for a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
“I did it!” Blaine proclaimed loudly to the mostly empty shop. “I just did my 50M Free in 21.47.”
“That’s good? Right?” Kurt asked.
He understood swimming well enough at a meet. The numbers got posted on a board and he could understand what a phenomenal time Blaine had when he could see how much slower everyone else was. He didn’t quite know what Blaine was talking about most of the time, though, when he just threw times at him blindly.
“I knew you’d do it,” Angeli said, giving him another kiss on the cheek. She led him to their table and sat him down before proclaiming that she was going to grab them some dessert to celebrate.
“That’s like Olympic time fast!” Blaine said, wearing an infectious grin. “Alain Bernard took silver with 21.45 in Beijing but that was with the high tech suits they banned this year! Which means my time might actually be able to beat those guys. I could actually place at Worlds! I could go to the Olympics. Shit, Kurt, I could really do this!”
“I’m so proud of you!” Angeli yelled from her spot behind the counter where she was fixing him up a drink.
“Congrats!” Kurt said, feeling second-hand excitement at the way Blaine was bouncing in his seat. Kurt found he couldn’t wipe the smile of his own face either.
“Did you call your father?” Angeli asked, setting down a plate of a few cookies and a strawberry smoothie.
“He told me if I could hit that at the Michigan Grand Prix next week, he’d let me bring a friend to Shanghai!” Blaine said, eyes going wide like an excited puppy. “How do you feel about Chinese food?” he turned to ask Kurt.
“What? Me? Are you serious?” he asked, his jaw dropping. Blaine couldn’t be asking him to go to China with him in July, could he?
“Well I have to hit the time first, but yeah?” Blaine smiled at him like there was nobody else he would even consider inviting. “All expenses paid.”
“That sounds great,” he found himself answering before he even thought about what he was agreeing to. Then again, how could he really say no to Blaine when he looked like that and was offering something as amazing as a trip to China? There was nothing wrong with him going to watch a competition for one of his good friends, after all. He was just being supportive.
“Your father’s honestly going to allow that?” Angeli asked, giving him an amused look.
“I’m sure there will be a laundry list of stipulations to come, but yes,” he said. “You know he’s never been above bribery to get me to work harder.”
Angeli asked him what he wanted for lunch and went off to fix them both something to eat, leaving them alone to settle back down.
“I know your dad’s rich and all, but how can he afford to buy you such extravagant gifts every time you win?” Kurt asked, careful not to say that he thought his dad spoiled him, because that was hardly the truth. Blaine might get a lot of things from his dad, but he didn’t get most of the things he needed, like love. After Finn had told Blaine that Kurt thought his dad didn’t love him (which weren’t his exact words but was close enough for Kurt to feel ashamed about them), he was careful not to imply anything about Blaine’s parents.
“His family comes from money. They have a lot of investments and my grandpa owns like half of the apartment buildings in Cincinnati,” he shrugged.
“Still,” Kurt said. “You got a new car stereo when you broke the state record. He’s going to pay for one of your friends to go to China if you get a good time in Michigan. What’s he going to buy you if you win World’s? Or qualify for the Olympics? A small island?”
“Do you know what the prize money is like when you win one of these international competitions?” Blaine asked and Kurt shook his head, no. He didn’t spend a lot of time researching the details of Blaine’s meets much past how many attractive men in swim suits would be there.
“It’s a lot,” Blaine said with a smirk. “Like, enough money to fund me running away to Europe and never come back.”
“Okay,” he said, not really sure where Blaine was going with this. If he was winning all of this money, why was his dad also giving him gifts?
“I made a deal with my dad a long time ago, the first time I medaled at Nationals and they offered me a check for $500,” Blaine explained, settling into his seat and making himself comfortable for what was looking to be a long conversation.
“My dad turned the check down,” he continued. “I threw a fit, obviously. My dad sat me down and explained that if I wanted to swim in college that I couldn’t ever accept any money for swimming. If I did, I wouldn’t be considered an amateur swimmer. I told him that I didn’t care about college. I mean, I was only twelve and $500 might as well have been a million. I just kept thinking about how many comic books I could buy with that money.”
“So your dad bought you a present instead,” Kurt said, filling in the blanks for himself.
“I made a promise that I wouldn’t go pro and in exchange he told me that he would make sure I was always rewarded for my hard work like I deserved to be. When my dad bought my car for winning nationals, I had just turned down a ton of prize money as well as a sponsorship with Speedo that would have funded my swimming career for a long, long time.”
“You were offered a sponsorship with Speedo?” Kurt asked, feeling his jaw drop. He knew Blaine was a good swimmer, but shit. He didn’t realize he was that well known for it. Suddenly, Kurt was picturing Blaine’s face in magazine ads, soaking wet and wearing nothing but his bathing suit. He was embarrassed by how sad he felt when he realized they didn’t exist.
“I’m no Natalie Coughlin or Michael Phelps. I wouldn’t have been doing advertisements or anything, but they said they liked to fund new talent and they knew it was a good investment in their future or something like that. My dad didn’t let me listen to them for that long before saying no. Either way, the car was a consolation prize-a very nice consolation prize, but still.”
“You know, if you really could earn this much money by going pro, why not just do it? I’m sure that you could save up enough money to pay for school with your winnings if your ultimate goal is just to get away from your dad and Ohio,” Kurt said.
“Because money can only buy so much,” Blaine said with a shrug. “My dad wants me to go to an Ivy League school after this, wants me to follow in his footsteps. I’d never get in on grades alone. But athletes can pretty much write their ticket into any school. He didn’t make this decision for financial reasons.”
“And why did you agree?” he asked, curious why Blaine wouldn’t just take the money and run away forever. He certainly wasn’t interested in going Ivy League.
“I want an education. A good one,” Blaine said. “Besides, my life is overwhelming enough. If I went pro, it would only get worse. I want to maintain some semblance of a normal childhood if I can. I think that deep down that was my dad’s real reason for keeping me an amateur. He’d never admit it of course, but still. My mom didn’t have to campaign that hard for him to let me swim at McKinley instead of just doing the international competitions year long.”
Kurt couldn’t help but picture the teen stars splattered across the pages of Teen Bop that Lauren and he would (embarrassingly) sometimes read at the bookstore together. He knew swimmers weren’t exactly like pop-stars, but it didn’t stop him from feeling suddenly awkward in Blaine’s presence. He felt unworthy, something he hadn’t felt since they first met.
“Well, I’m starting to see why Finn thinks you have everything,” Kurt said jokingly, trying not to freak out. “Do the kids at school know about all this?”
“Most of them,” Blaine said amused.
There were a lot of things Kurt wanted to say. Starting with ‘how in the world he had even become friends with somebody like Blaine, let alone slept with him?’. He had no idea that Blaine was as talented as he was. He’d always considered Blaine special, but that was because of the way they just naturally fell together. He didn’t realize Blaine was the golden boy because he was pretty much destined to end up on a cereal box or Sports Illustrated cover. He always figured the school worshiped him because he was prom king material, he didn’t realize it was because he was only a few strokes away from being famous.
“Are you alright?” Blaine asked, his grin starting to drop. “You’re not like, upset about this are you?”
“No,” he said, honestly. “Just surprised, I guess. I never realized you were practically a professional athlete.”
“I’m going to World’s this summer,” Blaine said, giving him a strange look.
“I know that,” Kurt said. “I just thought… I don’t know.”
“I told you that I’m trying out for the Olympics next year,” he continued, making Kurt feel pretty stupid for not seeing it sooner.
“Yeah but you were trying out,” Kurt said, trying to justify his sudden surprise. “I didn’t realize you might actually go.”
“And that’s what’s freaking you out?” he asked, sounding at once amused while still being vulnerable. Like he wanted to feel confident enough in their relationship to joke about it, but he knew it was all still too messed up to be so sure.
“No, of course not,” Kurt said. “I don’t care if you go to the Olympics or not. I mean, that’d be great for you so obviously I’m hoping it happens for your sake. I just… I’m questioning what you’re doing sitting here with me.”
“You’re my best friend,” Blaine said with a sad, but sincere smile, “and that other, major reason that you won’t let me say again.”
Kurt knew he was talking about the three words that he’d been doing his best to forget about, if only so he could save his sanity. He couldn’t date Evan when he was constantly thinking about how Blaine loved him. He couldn’t date Blaine though, not yet, so it was just too confusing to talk about. Yet here he was, talking about it again. It was like he enjoyed feeling lost and helpless.
“You could have any guy you wanted,” he said. “I’ve always thought that, but now more than ever. I just don’t understand why you keep coming back to me. I heard the voicemail you left me right after we had that fight. I know that you can walk into any bar and have grown men fighting over themselves to blow you…”
“What are you talking about?” Blaine whispered, his face heating up as he glanced over his shoulder to make sure that his aunt hadn’t overheard them. He looked genuinely confused. “I don’t want anyone else but you.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you could have it,” Kurt said, shaking his head and trying not to think about the man who had so carelessly dismissed him to drag Blaine away to fool around with him. They really needed to drop this now, because it was getting into dangerous territory. They’d promised not to talk about these things.
“What voicemail are you even talking about?” he asked.
Great, Kurt thought. Either Blaine had been too drunk to remember he’d let some guy blow him while he’d been talking to Kurt. Or he honestly didn’t see anything wrong with his actions, so much so in fact, that he couldn’t remember what he was talking about. Perfect.
“Forget about it,” Kurt said. “I really should get going, Evan is waiting for me.”
“Wait,” Blaine said, reaching out to grab onto Kurt’s wrist and pull him back into his seat.
Kurt looked from his wrist back up to Blaine, trying to figure out how mad he really was at Blaine. Part of him wanted to yank his hand back and storm out in a big dramatic fashion to prove to Blaine that he wouldn’t put up with this kind of shit. The other part of him wanted to hear the whole story, the small, desperate to work this out part of him. It was that part of him that glued him to his chair, holding his breath and waiting for Blaine’s next words, praying they didn’t break him again.
“Look around you,” Blaine said, his voice growing tense as Kurt saw tears swimming in his eyes. He wouldn’t let go of his wrist. In fact, he took Kurt’s other hand and held them both up to Blaine’s heart. Kurt could feel how heavy he was breathing. He could feel Blaine’s grip tightening desperately holding on.
“This is where I spend almost all of my time-a simple, small-town coffee shop that my aunt owns,” he continued. Kurt didn’t dare speak, he could barely breathe. “This is the kind of guy that I am. Beyond the swimming and popularity, this is me. It will always be me and I’ve never taken anyone here because I didn’t want them to ruin this place for me. But I took you here. The first day I met you, I took you here. Why can’t you see what that means?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt whispered.
“What is this about?” he said, sounding so broken. “Because I’ve said I’m sorry for letting you think that I only used you for sex. But you know that I wasn’t actually using you for sex, so why are you still so angry with me?”
“I’m not,” Kurt answered; surprised he could even form words.
“Then why are you with him?” Blaine asked.
“It was so easy for you to move on,” he said, feeling his words come back to him at the sharp reminder of Evan. He pulled his hands out of Blaine’s grasp and started gathering his things. It was fifteen minutes after they were both supposed to leave anyway.
“You can sit here and tell me you want me and that’s great,” he said. “It’s lovely, honestly. You always knew how to say all the right things. But your actions speak so much louder and the day after we had sex, you went to a bar and hooked up with some smarmy asshole and let me hear it over my voicemail. Evan would never do that to me.”
“I haven’t been with anybody since you,” Blaine said, looking around to make sure that his aunt wasn’t within hearing distance. “And I don’t ever want to be with anybody else again.”
“Words.” Kurt shook his head sadly. “Just words, Blaine.”
“Well, what more can I do?” he said, growing frustrated. “I’m not hiding who I am anymore. I serenaded you at school which was not for my benefit, let me tell you, since I’m getting bullied for it. I’m not fooling around with anybody else, even though, yes, the options are still available. What kind of action are you going to need from me to show you that I’m better for you than that stupid, insecure, psychotic asshole?”
“Classy,” Kurt said, feeling incredibly hurt that Blaine would decide to attack Evan when all he’d ever done was treat Kurt the way Blaine should have. How was that any better than what Finn had done to Blaine when Puck hurt him?
“Kurt-” he immediately tried to apologize but Kurt didn’t want to hear any of it.
“No,” Kurt said. “You don’t get to say anything about Evan. Evan has done nothing in any of this except for try and be your friend. Shit, I thought you two were fine after we all went to dinner. Evan keeps talking about how excited he is to take you to a soccer game. You don’t get to be jealous when the only reason I’m dating him is because you weren’t there for me.”
“I’m sorry, but he-”
“No,” Kurt said, holding his hand up. “Stop talking. You are going to stop talking badly about a boy that has been nothing but kind to me and we are going to pretend this conversation never happened.”
“What if I don’t want to?” Blaine asked.
“Then that’s really sad because that means I don’t think we can be friends and I really don’t want to go back to not talking to you. Despite how angry I am, you’re still my best friend, so I need you to just stop fucking talking,” he hissed.
Blaine nodded, staring down at his feet like he’d just had his puppy kicked. Kurt couldn’t let himself feel guilty though. Blaine’s the one who screwed up their relationship; he didn’t get to be upset with Kurt. Not when Kurt was trying to help build back what they’d had before. Sure, Blaine might not have been happy with the boundaries Kurt put up between them, but Blaine didn’t get to say anything about them. Besides, if he was angry, he should take it out on Kurt, not Evan.
“You can call me tonight if you decide to stop acting like such a jerk,” Kurt said, leaving the shop and getting in his car. He was surprised by how quickly a pleasant afternoon together had gone downhill, but he figured he should be used to it by now. Things with Blaine were always so extreme-whether they were extremely happy or depressing changed with every minute but they were always extreme.
He drove the entire way to Evan’s in silence, unwilling to turn the radio on for fear of something reminding him of Blaine. He just needed some time to pull himself back together before he saw his boyfriend. The last thing he wanted was for Evan to find out that he was late because he’d been busy arguing with a boy he’d claimed was only a friend about why they weren’t boyfriends.
Nope. He wasn’t going to let that cat out of the bag. Not now, not ever.
“Hey Sweetheart,” Evan said, once he slipped into the passenger seat.
Kurt tried not to cringe at the pet name, sure that it was only annoying him because he was still annoyed from his fight with Blaine. Evan certainly hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he’d been waiting patiently on the porch for Kurt to show up like a good boyfriend should. He never kept Kurt waiting. He was never late.
“Hey,” Kurt said, accepting Evan’s kiss but not really putting much effort into it. He didn’t even bother explaining why he was fifteen minutes late, like he usually would.
“I can’t wait for you to see these guys, you’re going to love them,” Evan said clapping his hands excitedly.
Kurt highly doubted there was a single rapper he could watch that would make him suddenly fall in love, especially since Evan’s words to describe the group were things like dirty and gritty which were the last words Kurt would ever associate with himself. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop him from agreeing, albeit slightly sarcastically.
When Evan reached over to turn on the radio to the alternative station he loved. Kurt bit his tongue as some punk rock song came through the speakers.
He liked Evan; he wasn’t going to snap at him. No, he was just upset with Blaine.
****
Kurt didn’t get home from the show until around midnight, and when he did, his ears were still bleeding from the torture they’d endured that night. Kurt had smiled and pretended to enjoy it, but inside he just wanted to cry the entire time. The place had been filled with a bunch of guys in ill-fitting pants, swaying to the too-loud bass and crappy microphones. There were several fights that had to be broken up by security and Evan told him it was all part of the ‘experience’ as if the more riled up the crowd got, the better the music became.
“You don’t have to say you like everything that he does,” his dad had told him when he walked in and immediately glared at his question of if he’d had fun or not. His dad had backed off immediately.
What did his dad know, though? He didn’t see Evan’s face anytime Kurt agreed with something he said. He didn’t see the way it lit up like Christmas morning. If this was the sacrifice he had to make for his boyfriend, he’d do it. It wasn’t like Evan hadn’t spent more than a few nights watching movies he could care less about because it was what Kurt wanted to watch.
Sure, Evan spent most of those nights with his face buried in Kurt’s neck, trying to make out with him instead of watching the movie, but that was normal. They were teenagers. At least he didn’t ever have to compete for Evan’s attention.
No, Kurt really liked Evan. So he wasn’t really sure why everything he’d done today seemed to annoy him so much, starting with the way he possessively put his hand on Kurt’s back and lead him around like he was some four year old who’d get lost in the crowd, and ending with the way Evan hadn’t even noticed how fake his smile had been when he’d said he enjoyed the concert.
Usually Evan had a way of taking his mind off of Blaine, but today all he’d done was remind Kurt of the ways in which he wasn’t Blaine.
Kurt’s phone when off and he groaned when he saw it was from the boy who’d ruined what was supposed to be a perfectly nice evening out with his boyfriend.
From Blaine:
Please tell me that I didn’t leave a voicemail for you the day after we broke up.
Kurt rolled his eyes at the text message. He was tempted to delete it. Hadn’t he made it clear that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore? He just wanted to go to bed and wake up forgetting this entire, horrible day. He typed out a bitter response, hoping it hurt when Blaine read it.
From Kurt:
We were never together.
From Blaine:
You know what I mean :(
Did I really leave you a voicemail?
Kurt didn’t respond to the message. He didn’t want to talk about Blaine and some other guy that he’d been dancing with all night before Blaine decided he just had to talk to Kurt. He didn’t want to hear Blaine claim that he was drunk and forgot about it. He didn’t want Blaine to ask for forgiveness when Kurt knew he’d spent the night getting laid while Kurt had been at home feeling miserable about himself and wondering if Blaine would ever love him.
From Blaine:
Please don’t do this. That night was a blur. I remember wanting to talk to you though.
I wanted to tell you that I love you.
I didn’t think I actually called you though...
From Kurt:
Yeah, well you did.
He texted back viciously, before deciding to add more. If Blaine wasn’t going to drop it, neither was Kurt.
From Kurt:
Except you didn’t tell me you loved me. Your lovely fuck of the week cut you off before you could say anything of importance.
From Blaine:
I didn’t sleep with that guy.
From Kurt:
I guess getting head in the bathroom of a club doesn’t constitute as sex for you.
From Blaine:
I didn’t do anything with him.
From Kurt:
It doesn’t really matter if you did or didn’t. You still spent the night out at a club dancing with other guys the day after you broke my heart.
Actions speak louder…
Kurt’s phone was ringing in his hand instantly and he pressed the ignore button three times before finally deciding to answer.
“I danced with him, sure. But I only ever wanted you,” Blaine said frantically, in lieu of a greeting. “I only went to that club to try and forget about you because the thought of breaking up with you was so horrifying that I wanted to die.”
“Then you shouldn’t have done it in the first place,” Kurt said. “You could have talked to me. We could have figured something out. The fact that your first idea of how to deal with pain is to go out and fuck some other guy tells me that I can’t trust you. What happens when we are together and I do something to piss you off?”
“It won’t be like that,” Blaine said. “I would never cheat on you.”
“But if it’s twenty-four hours after breaking up, it’s okay?” he asked, spitting the words out like they were venom. He’d been on edge all night and now Blaine had set himself up to be the perfect punching bag.
“It isn’t like that,” Blaine said. Kurt could hear the frustration in his voice. He knew how upset Blaine got when he felt like he wasn’t getting heard. “I left that guy to call you and try to talk things through. It’s not my fault he got the wrong impression and stole my phone. His actions don’t have anything to do with us. I didn’t sleep with him. In fact, I almost punched his lights out when he got upset I said no. Nothing happened and you really can’t be mad at me just because some guy wanted it to.”
“What do you want me to say here, Blaine?” he said. “I have a boyfriend. You fucked up and I have a boyfriend now. You expect me to just dump him?”
There was the slightest part of him, the tiniest little bit, that wanted Blaine to say yes. The part of him that knew he would never really love anyone but Blaine, that part of him was so ready to dump Evan. But his head was screaming at him to stop. Evan was a good guy and one awkward date didn’t change that. Kurt couldn’t just go dumping a perfectly good boyfriend who made him happy just because Blaine said so. That wasn’t right...
“I just want you to say that you believe me when I tell you I never meant to hurt you,” Blaine said. “I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”
“Are you sure about that?” Kurt said with a snort.
“Do you honestly believe I would?” he asked, sounding hurt.
“I don’t know,” Kurt said with a deep sigh. “It’s a lot to process and we aren’t supposed to be talking about this.”
“Right,” Blaine said bitterly. “Those fucking boxes.”
“I don’t think our friendship is going to work without them,” he said.
“Maybe our friendship isn’t working because we were always meant to be more than friends,” Blaine said. “Did you ever think of that?”
“I’m dating Evan, Blaine,” he said, but the argument was starting to sound old, even to his ears. “How many times do I have to remind you of that?”
“Do you love him?” Blaine asked.
“We just started dating,” he said, knowing the answer was no and dreading what he knew Blaine’s next question was going to be.
“You’ve dated him longer than you were with me,” Blaine said.
“That was different,” he said, trying to find a way to justify why he didn’t love a boy he’d been with for three months.
“Please explain to me how you could fall in love with me in a month, but still don’t love him if he’s so great?” Blaine asked.
“I don’t know,” Kurt said, admitting the one thing that had been simmering in his mind all afternoon. If he was being honest, he’d been thinking about it for the last few weeks actually, but had been barely able to admit it to himself. He honestly didn’t know why he was fighting so hard to keep Evan.
Sure he was great, but he never felt 100% comfortable with him the way he did with Blaine. Kurt had stuck around and kept waiting for it to happen with more time, but it never did. He was always biting his tongue and holding back his opinion around Evan. They had a good relationship, one Kurt certainly didn’t regret, but it wasn’t passionate. Kurt had to be heavily making out with Evan before he’d even get hard, but with Blaine all he had to do was think about the feeling of Blaine’s lips on his and he’d be ready to go.
Sure, sex wasn’t everything in a relationship. It should be something, though. And if that epic, mind blowing, toe-curling sex was with somebody that he also considered his best friend, wasn’t that the best option for Kurt?
So why wasn’t he running at the opportunity to be with Blaine again?
“I just wish something so much better for you than him,” Blaine explained. “I’ve seen you two together and he’s cute but do you have anything in common except the Warblers and Dalton?”
“We’re boyfriends, not best friends,” he said, though the excuse sounded flimsy, even to his own ears. “We don’t have to share all the same interests. They say opposites attract.”
“You’re with him so you can have an excuse not to be with me,” Blaine said. “That’s the only reason you’re still hanging onto him. I’m just trying to figure out why.”
“I don’t know,” he said, terrified that Blaine might be right. That couldn’t be the only reason he was with Evan though… No. He was with Evan because he made him feel good. It made him feel special and wanted when he got to walk down the hallways holding another boy’s hand. He liked having somebody to call him every night and wish him a good night’s sleep.
It might be corny, but he enjoyed all of those things that Evan did for him. He liked having a boyfriend far more than having a boy he just fooled around with all of the time.
“Let me paint you a picture,” Blaine said. “Wednesday night is the Lady Gaga concert we have tickets for. I’m sure you remember because you worked so hard to save up money to see the show but still couldn’t afford the tickets. I got them for you for Christmas. While I had a million other gift ideas in mind, I knew that this one in particular would make your face light up with that bright smile you’re usually too embarrassed to show anyone.
“We’ll go together, obviously, because you know there’s nobody you’d rather enjoy music with than me. I’ll admit to you that I’m not incredibly fond of Lady Gaga’s live performances and we’ll argue about it on the car ride into Cincinnati until I tell you that she’s still a musical god and I really appreciate her lyrics and musicality. After that, we’ll go to dinner at this little French bakery waxing poetically about her lyrics.”
“A bakery?” Kurt interrupted.
“Yes, a bakery. Most guys would take you to a full dinner, but I know you better than that. I know that you can’t eat a big meal if you know that you’re going to be in a crowd. You’re slightly claustrophobic and feel nauseous around that many people even though you’ve never admitted it to anyone. Your dad told me once at family dinner that you once threw up at a carnival because you got lost in a crowd and ever since then you refuse to eat a lot if you know you’re going to be around a lot of people. It’s why I bought us box seats, so we don’t have to spend the whole night suffocated by people we don’t know.”
Kurt held a hand up against his heart, pressing down hard. It felt like it was being pulled out of his chest and he was trying to push it back in, trying to stop the pain.
“It’ll be a French bakery, because we both love the food and I’ll want to hear you try and impress me with your French skills when you order for the two of us,” Blaine continued so smoothly, that Kurt wondered if he hadn’t been practicing this speech all night long. “You’re going to jump around and dance, screaming all the words to every song. You’ll even get me to dance along as well, because we’ll both be high on adrenaline and good music-which means we are going to be starving afterwards.
“I’ll stop at Denny’s, where you’re going to order the pancakes because you claim it’s your favorite meal. I’ll order grilled cheese with French fries because I don’t order meals without a potato and you always tease me for it. When the meals come, though, we’ll switch plates. I can never resist pancakes, and you like comfort food much more than you care to admit.
“You and I? We work. Somehow, whenever we are together, it just works. We’ve never had a problem doing things together, it’s never been awkward for us the way it is for all of my friends whenever they start dating somebody. Can you say that about him?”
Kurt shook his head, but couldn’t seem to find the words to vocalize anything at the moment. His heart still felt like it was going to explode or something. He wondered if that was what it felt like to have a heart attack.
“We’re perfect together,” Blaine said, continuing, somehow knowing that Kurt was still there listening even though he hadn’t said a word in the last ten minutes. “You will never, ever have to pretend to like something just because I do. We’ll bicker over tiny things like how much salt to put on the popcorn or what season of Doctor Who is the best, but we won’t ever make each other feel like they have to change who they are just to make the other one happy. Because we’ll know that we love each other exactly the way they are.”
“Blaine,” he whispers faintly, his name sounding closer to a breath of air.
“I know you’re scared,” Blaine said. “You trusted me with this and I broke it. It hurt so you’re scared to trust me again. But I promise you that I will make it worth it. I’m never going to call you Baby or Sweetheart because I know how much those terms annoy you. You don’t like feeling owned. I understand because it’s the same way you cringed when Evan said you were his boyfriend, like you were a toy. You hate feeling submissive to somebody else because you think they don’t trust you enough to dominate. That was never an issue with us. You knew that I always thought you were the strong one. You submitted to me. You would moan when my body would cover yours and I would pin you down. You knew that it didn’t mean I thought you were something to be owned like it does with everyone else. Doesn’t that ever make you wonder?”
“Please,” Kurt said, unsure what he was pleading Blaine for exactly. Not knowing if he wanted him to stop or keep talking.
“I’m just asking for you to love me again,” Blaine said. “Make me yours.”
“You stupid boy,” Kurt said affectionately. “Me loving you has never been the problem.”
“Then what is?” he asked, but he wouldn’t get an answer.