Existentialism Once and Now
I've been busy. In fact, it feels as though I've been on a roller coaster. Not the "oh, shit, I'm gonna die" kind, but the kind that shudders and jumps at points but generally makes you giggle because you don't feel like you should be scared...
But that didn't make any sense.
I now play Mahaado at
econtra_rpg, and am enjoying myself. I actually like the story better than Paradisa's. That place is pretty crazy, but in Econtra, I feel like I'm sort of part of a nice circle. Hope it stays that way... Plus, I find I like dystopian settings a bit more when I can make my own mark on them [maybe there's hope for my class sessions at Duke, after all].
And...I have a C in Math. I'm not really surprised, considering how much I loathe it slack I've been, but I am disappointed.
Talked to Dr. L about it today, and the conversation turned to a full-on discussion on Existential philosophy.
"I know I should do my homework. I know I can do it," I told him. "But it's like I have a mental block or something. A stupid excuse, but...well, it's like someone's about to slap me, and even though I see it, I can't or won't duck. I only realize how much it hurts when it hits, you know?"
"Like you're trying to find a balance between being super responsible and totally apathetic," he said. I nodded. "Have you ever read The Stranger?"
I had. "Albert Camus."
"The protagonist is an example of what happens to a person who lives with neither religious nor existentialist philosophy. The guy is totally emotionless and apathetic, remember? That's why he was put in jail. Sure, he killed somone, but people didn't think he was evil--at least evil people have a purpose--just empty. Grey. He didn't even care about getting married, or when his mother died. He didn't even have a good reason for his murder. You aren't a religious person, Paige, so you'll have to find your own path. Else wind up like that poor bastard."
"But I thought you said I didn't have to worry about missions or big ass goals yet."
"It isn't a goal," Dr. L said. I was confused for a second, then I blurted,
"It's like...not something I'm trying to reach? Not the end of a road, or even the road itself..?"
"A philosophy is something that holds the foundations of your road up. So think. What in your philosophy could give you a reason to do Math?"
This is a really roundabout way of telling me to do the damn work, I thought. At first I wanted to make a crack about it, but then something just clicked. "I want...to learn everything I can, as much as I can... so I can relate to the world. And maybe find a story in me that's worth telling."
I think it was worth a C to see Dr. L smile like that, as lame as it all sounds. I sometimes wish he and my dad could switch off fatherly duties every once and a while. Though Dr. L is more like a cool sensei-type.
"But I still hate it."
He smirked. "Well, good thing that doesn't matter; you'll have to do it anyway."
Everyone needs a guy like Dr. L, I think. I only wish I could tell everyone what he's told me.