I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we make a deal.
I'm in a good mood. I am really in a good mood. I am totally in a place where I have never been emotionally, in terms of maturity. I'm not happy-go-lucky so much, but it's more of an authentic understanding coupled with contentedness in that understanding. I just found out a lot of things about myself, my mother, my father, and everything that has ever happened in my life, and it's a scenario where I'm completely amazed. I just realized that my mom is narcissistic/borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, and is addicted to anything. I'm her, and she's me, according to her distorted view of the world. Hence, my money is her money, and she can't understand why I wouldn't spend it on her, since she would spend it on herself.
This happens a lot - the same motivation manifesting itself in different situations. I just never really noticed it. The "last" sting concert. My mice/former mice. Stopping soccer. My height as a validifier of my worth. Her refusal to accept my advice, since she can't really accept or even comprehend that my advice would be different than what she had already chosen.
I'm so sad, and hurt, and a myriad of other emotions. I was angry for a while, but I decided to bypass that societal acceptance thing (it's okay to break stuff, just not okay to break down), and just cry. My dad said some things that resonated with me in more ways and more completely than I have yet experienced. I am now secure that he loves me, my mom loves me, and the situation I grew up in sucked. I was never blamed for anything, but I felt like I was.
I don't have that blame anymore. Nor do I have the shame or guilt, or the emotional weight created by those feelings.
But I cry, and I know that I will cry many time more. I do know that I'm more aware of everything, and I can't be dissatisfied with understanding/cognitive recognition. But it hurts.
It's a masochism that's more bizarre than I have ever experienced.
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving.
This song makes me cry so well
This happens a lot - the same motivation manifesting itself in different situations. I just never really noticed it. The "last" sting concert. My mice/former mice. Stopping soccer. My height as a validifier of my worth. Her refusal to accept my advice, since she can't really accept or even comprehend that my advice would be different than what she had already chosen.
I'm so sad, and hurt, and a myriad of other emotions. I was angry for a while, but I decided to bypass that societal acceptance thing (it's okay to break stuff, just not okay to break down), and just cry. My dad said some things that resonated with me in more ways and more completely than I have yet experienced. I am now secure that he loves me, my mom loves me, and the situation I grew up in sucked. I was never blamed for anything, but I felt like I was.
I don't have that blame anymore. Nor do I have the shame or guilt, or the emotional weight created by those feelings.
But I cry, and I know that I will cry many time more. I do know that I'm more aware of everything, and I can't be dissatisfied with understanding/cognitive recognition. But it hurts.
It's a masochism that's more bizarre than I have ever experienced.
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving.
This song makes me cry so well