Things about me
I've been really introspective lately and it makes me want to make a list of things about me. How I identify and what I like. Things that turn me on or off. So here goes!
How I identify.
I'm black: This is a constant in my life. I feel like other people think of it more than I do. I think about it more in how people relate to me than in how I relate to others.
I'm female bodied: I love this! I didn't always but the more I encourage myself to have a positive body image the more I love my breasts and my vulva and just everything that comes with being inside this body. Sometimes I wish I could have a different body for a time, but it no longer has anything to do with hating the one I am in. Which brings me to...
I'm queer: Queer, genderqueer, I know they're not the same thing but in my personal language lexicon they are the same. I am attracted to all genders in large part because I feel I encompass all genders, and no gender.
Important things to know about me.
I am smarter than you think I am: I spent a large part of my life valuing my intelligence over anything else. It wasn't good for me. It is now low on my list of things I value about myself so I display it less often. A recent conversation with an old friend made me realize this.
I'm fun!: Fun is pretty important to me. Have some! It's pretty great.
I am emotional: This is pretty new to me. I spent most of my life numbed to my emotions due to a combination of medication and self preservation. I have dealt with a lot of hurt. Now it feels like years of emotion just flood me with every bit of happiness, sadness, anger, ect. It's kind of difficult to deal with sometimes but it feels so much better than the emptiness of my previous self.
I am not very good at expressing my emotions until they overwhelm me: I often worry that if I go out of my way to express my feelings people will overreact. So I downplay them without even noticing until they explode and I turn into a crying screaming mess. This is less true if we are very close.
I fear vulnerability: I have forced myself to be vulnerable with people I care about. It has been a slow process. It's so scary. I understand that I need it though because I need people to be vulnerable with me before I can really feel close to them at all.
I am strong: I actually see this more through the eyes of others than I see it in myself. I feel like I'm a weak baby child most of the time. But it's because I expect myself to be bullet proof and no one can be that way.
I need touch: When I'm starved for touch everything about me starts to break down. It is not a good thing for me.
I love to create: Writing, drawing, or my favorite form of art; Gluing shit to other shit. If I am making something my happiness meter goes up many notches.
I suffer from mental illness: I am struggling to say that this is true. Mostly because of the wording but I don't know a better way of putting it. I have diagnosed ADD, it is a huge part of my life and a constant uphill battle. I experience extreme bouts of depression that are sometimes dangerous. I also experience bouts of mania, although I kind of enjoy these? I don't know if that's normal or... healthy? idk something...words. Will think more on this. I have anxiety attacks that are temporarily debilitating.
I love clothes: I am not sure when this happened, most of my life I could not possibly have given fewer shits about what anyone wore. Now I get excited to go shopping, I try on a billion things and want to buy ALL OF THE THINGS. Thrift stores may be what changed that. We didn't go to those when I was younger, it was always malls. I still hate the mall and most clothing stores.
I am an abuse survivor: I'm still uncomfortable talking about this in public. There aren't a lot of emotional landmines to navigate, but it's important to know.
I am passionate about social justice: I don't actually get angry often, it's an emotion I find frightening and unsettling most of the time. But when I hear about someone being treated unfairly because of their race or sex or gender presentation or whatever fucking thing. It makes my blood boil. I want to rip out the hearts of people who would do this. I often don't know what to do about these things, so I educate myself as much as I can while also making sure to practice self care. The level of upset I get can often be harmful to me.
Things that turn me on!
Kissing: Oh Gee wiz do I love kissing! Kissing is probably the best thing in the world. I can't say for certain, maybe I need to investigate more. Probably by kissing. Not just kissing though, but my lips on a person in pretty much any way. But mostly kissing...
Other peoples passions: I am down with OPP, yes, you know me. I love hearing about the things that people are passionate about. Love a musician, a book, the scientific method, a font? Talk to me about it! I will probably fall in love with you a little. I may not agree at all but I will certainly have heart flutters and stare longingly at your mouth as you form words of passion. Unless your love is something gross like oppression, or Hitler or...idk...Vegemite. (Vegemite is hella gross y'all.)
Ritual: I have a complicated relationship with religion, we are not friends to say the least. But ritual, oh ritual I do love you so. There is some level of sexual spark that I get out of ritual that I don't quite understand. I am however very aware that it is there.
Genitals: They are all so pretty! Seriously every genital is awesome. Look at some, they are great!
Whispering/speaking softly: I love being made to listen closely and pay more attention. It's pretty sexy, gives me goosebumps.
Being confined: I have such an odd relationship to small spaces. I am fairly claustrophobic, but selectively. Enough small spaces give me extreme bouts of anxiety that it is not worth listing them. But when I am having an anxiety attack or feeling unsafe I find the smallest space I can comfortable fit in to be alone and hold myself. Being confined either in a small space or held down by something in a sexual setting....I am blushing right now... just the thought makes me blush.
Hair: Short bristly hair, long thick pony tails, puffy afros, body hair. I love it all! I just want to run my fingers through it all of the time.
Skin slick with sweat: Um...I can't even talk about this. It is great. It is really really great and I like it a lot.
Feeling loved: That, always that.
Laughter: Laughing is one of the sexiest things a human can do.
Things that turn me off! :(
Body negative behavior or comments: About you, about me, about that person on tv or the person walking down the street. Bodies are fucking beautiful. Every. Single. One.
Farts: I know we all do it, and I wouldn't shame anyone for it. Just don't expect me to want to get freaky when you're farty.
Baby talk.
Expectations: When I feel like someone expects me to be a certain way or do something for them or do something in a particular way (when it comes to sex) I am immediately turned off. I want sex to be a journey of current desire, not a check list of what we expect to happen.
Poop.
Filth: If the room is messy, that's fine, sometimes it's even comforting. If it is actually dirty, as in needs washing, ick. Hates it.
Being cold.
Being under time constraints: I don't like rushing.
Well that's all I can think of right now. I hope you know more about me now! And if you think you know something about me that is important that I didn't mention, fell free to comment and let me know.
How I identify.
I'm black: This is a constant in my life. I feel like other people think of it more than I do. I think about it more in how people relate to me than in how I relate to others.
I'm female bodied: I love this! I didn't always but the more I encourage myself to have a positive body image the more I love my breasts and my vulva and just everything that comes with being inside this body. Sometimes I wish I could have a different body for a time, but it no longer has anything to do with hating the one I am in. Which brings me to...
I'm queer: Queer, genderqueer, I know they're not the same thing but in my personal language lexicon they are the same. I am attracted to all genders in large part because I feel I encompass all genders, and no gender.
Important things to know about me.
I am smarter than you think I am: I spent a large part of my life valuing my intelligence over anything else. It wasn't good for me. It is now low on my list of things I value about myself so I display it less often. A recent conversation with an old friend made me realize this.
I'm fun!: Fun is pretty important to me. Have some! It's pretty great.
I am emotional: This is pretty new to me. I spent most of my life numbed to my emotions due to a combination of medication and self preservation. I have dealt with a lot of hurt. Now it feels like years of emotion just flood me with every bit of happiness, sadness, anger, ect. It's kind of difficult to deal with sometimes but it feels so much better than the emptiness of my previous self.
I am not very good at expressing my emotions until they overwhelm me: I often worry that if I go out of my way to express my feelings people will overreact. So I downplay them without even noticing until they explode and I turn into a crying screaming mess. This is less true if we are very close.
I fear vulnerability: I have forced myself to be vulnerable with people I care about. It has been a slow process. It's so scary. I understand that I need it though because I need people to be vulnerable with me before I can really feel close to them at all.
I am strong: I actually see this more through the eyes of others than I see it in myself. I feel like I'm a weak baby child most of the time. But it's because I expect myself to be bullet proof and no one can be that way.
I need touch: When I'm starved for touch everything about me starts to break down. It is not a good thing for me.
I love to create: Writing, drawing, or my favorite form of art; Gluing shit to other shit. If I am making something my happiness meter goes up many notches.
I suffer from mental illness: I am struggling to say that this is true. Mostly because of the wording but I don't know a better way of putting it. I have diagnosed ADD, it is a huge part of my life and a constant uphill battle. I experience extreme bouts of depression that are sometimes dangerous. I also experience bouts of mania, although I kind of enjoy these? I don't know if that's normal or... healthy? idk something...words. Will think more on this. I have anxiety attacks that are temporarily debilitating.
I love clothes: I am not sure when this happened, most of my life I could not possibly have given fewer shits about what anyone wore. Now I get excited to go shopping, I try on a billion things and want to buy ALL OF THE THINGS. Thrift stores may be what changed that. We didn't go to those when I was younger, it was always malls. I still hate the mall and most clothing stores.
I am an abuse survivor: I'm still uncomfortable talking about this in public. There aren't a lot of emotional landmines to navigate, but it's important to know.
I am passionate about social justice: I don't actually get angry often, it's an emotion I find frightening and unsettling most of the time. But when I hear about someone being treated unfairly because of their race or sex or gender presentation or whatever fucking thing. It makes my blood boil. I want to rip out the hearts of people who would do this. I often don't know what to do about these things, so I educate myself as much as I can while also making sure to practice self care. The level of upset I get can often be harmful to me.
Things that turn me on!
Kissing: Oh Gee wiz do I love kissing! Kissing is probably the best thing in the world. I can't say for certain, maybe I need to investigate more. Probably by kissing. Not just kissing though, but my lips on a person in pretty much any way. But mostly kissing...
Other peoples passions: I am down with OPP, yes, you know me. I love hearing about the things that people are passionate about. Love a musician, a book, the scientific method, a font? Talk to me about it! I will probably fall in love with you a little. I may not agree at all but I will certainly have heart flutters and stare longingly at your mouth as you form words of passion. Unless your love is something gross like oppression, or Hitler or...idk...Vegemite. (Vegemite is hella gross y'all.)
Ritual: I have a complicated relationship with religion, we are not friends to say the least. But ritual, oh ritual I do love you so. There is some level of sexual spark that I get out of ritual that I don't quite understand. I am however very aware that it is there.
Genitals: They are all so pretty! Seriously every genital is awesome. Look at some, they are great!
Whispering/speaking softly: I love being made to listen closely and pay more attention. It's pretty sexy, gives me goosebumps.
Being confined: I have such an odd relationship to small spaces. I am fairly claustrophobic, but selectively. Enough small spaces give me extreme bouts of anxiety that it is not worth listing them. But when I am having an anxiety attack or feeling unsafe I find the smallest space I can comfortable fit in to be alone and hold myself. Being confined either in a small space or held down by something in a sexual setting....I am blushing right now... just the thought makes me blush.
Hair: Short bristly hair, long thick pony tails, puffy afros, body hair. I love it all! I just want to run my fingers through it all of the time.
Skin slick with sweat: Um...I can't even talk about this. It is great. It is really really great and I like it a lot.
Feeling loved: That, always that.
Laughter: Laughing is one of the sexiest things a human can do.
Things that turn me off! :(
Body negative behavior or comments: About you, about me, about that person on tv or the person walking down the street. Bodies are fucking beautiful. Every. Single. One.
Farts: I know we all do it, and I wouldn't shame anyone for it. Just don't expect me to want to get freaky when you're farty.
Baby talk.
Expectations: When I feel like someone expects me to be a certain way or do something for them or do something in a particular way (when it comes to sex) I am immediately turned off. I want sex to be a journey of current desire, not a check list of what we expect to happen.
Poop.
Filth: If the room is messy, that's fine, sometimes it's even comforting. If it is actually dirty, as in needs washing, ick. Hates it.
Being cold.
Being under time constraints: I don't like rushing.
Well that's all I can think of right now. I hope you know more about me now! And if you think you know something about me that is important that I didn't mention, fell free to comment and let me know.