fic: Did You Clean Those Pants With Windex? (Because I Can Practically See Myself In Them)
And now, for something completely different
Title Did You Clean Those Pants With Windex? (Because I Can Practically See Myself In Them)
Author adellyna
Rating G!
Genre FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF
Pairing Pete/Patrick
Word Count <1000
Summary Patrick works at the local library! Pete would kind of like to hold his hand.
Disclaimer Totally not real. Which is sad.
Author’s Note FOR MY PRECIOUS maleyka, WHO FILLS ME WITH JOY. Also, she beta'd it. So there's that.
Patrick Stump does Sock Puppet Theater for the kids, and Pete Wentz is a kid. At heart. Shut up, it totally counts.
Also of note is the fact that Pete has a ridiculous crush on Patrick. It started when Pete, in a fit of self-indulgent ennui, meandered his way down to the local library on a Wednesday morning and happened upon Patrick leading the Mommy And Me Song Hour.
Pete could hear the sweetly melodic strains of The Hokey Pokey all the way from the dusty recesses of the nonfiction section.
He can’t come to Wednesday’s Mommy And Me Song Hour, because he’s a Me without a Mommy and the ladies tend to stare at his tattoos and curl up around their kids protectively.
Pete is pretty sure he’s not going to win Patrick’s hand in coffee-drinking or movie-seeing or backseat-kissing by being interrogated by the library’s security officer.
Instead, he comes when Patrick does Sock Puppet Theater.
***
On Thursday, Pete goes up to Patrick after Mary Had A Little Lamb and smiles winningly. "You know," he says. "I'm part Scottish."
Patrick smiles, one side of his mouth tilted up in a perfectly pleasant look of utter confusion. "Um. That's nice. Scotland has... a really rich and diverse history?"
"Well that and, you know. Scotland! Where the men are men and the sheep are..." he gestures at the fuzzy puppet on Patrick's hand and baaaaas suggestively. "Sticky."
He doesn’t object to looking at Patrick’s ass, but it’s a little disheartening when the view accompanies Patrick’s panicked flight toward a door marked “Employees Only.”
***
Patrick does Three Little Pigs next time, a Tuesday morning when the skies are gray and lightening keeps flashing. The thunder scares the kids, so Patrick makes ridiculous pig squealing noises every time it booms. It works; there's a lot more giggling than crying.
Afterwards, Pete sidles up to Patrick with his most charming expression plastered on.
Patrick throws up his hand, eyes wide, and waves the still-present pig puppet at Pete. "If you or any of your ancestors are from Alabama," he says hurriedly, "I don't want to hear about it."
***
So this isn’t really working all that well. Pete can admit that. He calls the library and gets the reading schedule. On Thursday, they tell him, Patrick will be doing Little Red Riding Hood. It's kind of perfect.
Pete shows up in his best red hoodie, carrying a picnic basket of gummy bears.
He lets the kids play the Big Bad Wolf; he runs in circles, squealing like a girl while they chase behind, growling through their giggles.
Patrick finally looks approving. He lets Pete drape himself on his lap with “the actual book“ and snuggle in. Pete calls Patrick "Grandma" and bats his eyelashes a lot, but he also gets to sneak a kiss to the cheek so all in all, it totally counts as flirting. Shut up.
It goes really well until Pete wiggles in Patrick’s lap and says, “Why grandma, what a big-”
Honestly, they should get more padding under these library carpets. What if one of the kids fell down? Pete can take it, he’s a big boy, but he knows little Susie would scream like a banshee.
***
Gabe says that maybe Patrick’s the old fashioned type, and needs, like, wooing.
Pete can do that.
The next week he brings a bouquet of roses. Red ones, long stemmed, each thorn carefully pruned off. It’s a brilliant plan, but Emily falls and scuffs her new sneakers, so he gives her a rose. Then Stephen the bully - who’s even made Pete’s eyes water once or twice - tells little Lisa Anne that her parents don’t love her because she’s ugly.
He gives her a rose.
After that it’s one of the moms who keeps fishing tissues out of her purse and wiping her eyes. She smiles all wobbly when people ask if she’s ok. Pete gives her a rose, too.
By the end of There Was An Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe, all he has to offer Patrick is the cellophane and damp foil that used to hold the roses. “I got you this,” he says weakly.
“Thanks,” Patrick says. He wads it up and tosses it in the trash. “Every little bit helps to keep this place clean.”
Desperate to salvage it, Pete blurts, “Is there a closet? We could get in it.”
Patrick looks at him oddly and walks away.
Ok. So that failed.
***
Pete stays up late Monday night reading pick-up lines on the internet and making a flow chart on printer paper that folds neatly down to the size of a credit card.
He sleeps right through his alarm and misses Sock Puppet Theater.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Gabe says when Pete calls to complain. “This guy seems immune to your admittedly dubious, questionable, nigh on invisible charms.”
Pete hangs up on him.
***
On Thursday, Patrick wears turquoise sneakers with his skinny jeans. Pete picks a seat to the side so he can watch them where they stick out from behind the curtain.
Even worse, Patrick sings a song in the middle of the show. Pete’s hands clench so tight around his flow chart that it’s twisted and smudged from sweat by the time Patrick crawls out from behind the stage.
He shoves it back in his pocket and goes over anyway.
“Wait,” Patrick says quickly. He presses his palm over Pete’s mouth and says, “Don’t say anything. For the love of God, just. Don’t speak.”
This is not promising.
“Mmmfnnmph,” Pete agrees.
“Ok,” Patrick takes a deep breath. He moves his hand away, slowly, eyes narrowing the further it gets from Pete’s mouth, and says, “Would you maybe like to go get some coffee?”
Title Did You Clean Those Pants With Windex? (Because I Can Practically See Myself In Them)
Author adellyna
Rating G!
Genre FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF
Pairing Pete/Patrick
Word Count <1000
Summary Patrick works at the local library! Pete would kind of like to hold his hand.
Disclaimer Totally not real. Which is sad.
Author’s Note FOR MY PRECIOUS maleyka, WHO FILLS ME WITH JOY. Also, she beta'd it. So there's that.
Patrick Stump does Sock Puppet Theater for the kids, and Pete Wentz is a kid. At heart. Shut up, it totally counts.
Also of note is the fact that Pete has a ridiculous crush on Patrick. It started when Pete, in a fit of self-indulgent ennui, meandered his way down to the local library on a Wednesday morning and happened upon Patrick leading the Mommy And Me Song Hour.
Pete could hear the sweetly melodic strains of The Hokey Pokey all the way from the dusty recesses of the nonfiction section.
He can’t come to Wednesday’s Mommy And Me Song Hour, because he’s a Me without a Mommy and the ladies tend to stare at his tattoos and curl up around their kids protectively.
Pete is pretty sure he’s not going to win Patrick’s hand in coffee-drinking or movie-seeing or backseat-kissing by being interrogated by the library’s security officer.
Instead, he comes when Patrick does Sock Puppet Theater.
***
On Thursday, Pete goes up to Patrick after Mary Had A Little Lamb and smiles winningly. "You know," he says. "I'm part Scottish."
Patrick smiles, one side of his mouth tilted up in a perfectly pleasant look of utter confusion. "Um. That's nice. Scotland has... a really rich and diverse history?"
"Well that and, you know. Scotland! Where the men are men and the sheep are..." he gestures at the fuzzy puppet on Patrick's hand and baaaaas suggestively. "Sticky."
He doesn’t object to looking at Patrick’s ass, but it’s a little disheartening when the view accompanies Patrick’s panicked flight toward a door marked “Employees Only.”
***
Patrick does Three Little Pigs next time, a Tuesday morning when the skies are gray and lightening keeps flashing. The thunder scares the kids, so Patrick makes ridiculous pig squealing noises every time it booms. It works; there's a lot more giggling than crying.
Afterwards, Pete sidles up to Patrick with his most charming expression plastered on.
Patrick throws up his hand, eyes wide, and waves the still-present pig puppet at Pete. "If you or any of your ancestors are from Alabama," he says hurriedly, "I don't want to hear about it."
***
So this isn’t really working all that well. Pete can admit that. He calls the library and gets the reading schedule. On Thursday, they tell him, Patrick will be doing Little Red Riding Hood. It's kind of perfect.
Pete shows up in his best red hoodie, carrying a picnic basket of gummy bears.
He lets the kids play the Big Bad Wolf; he runs in circles, squealing like a girl while they chase behind, growling through their giggles.
Patrick finally looks approving. He lets Pete drape himself on his lap with “the actual book“ and snuggle in. Pete calls Patrick "Grandma" and bats his eyelashes a lot, but he also gets to sneak a kiss to the cheek so all in all, it totally counts as flirting. Shut up.
It goes really well until Pete wiggles in Patrick’s lap and says, “Why grandma, what a big-”
Honestly, they should get more padding under these library carpets. What if one of the kids fell down? Pete can take it, he’s a big boy, but he knows little Susie would scream like a banshee.
***
Gabe says that maybe Patrick’s the old fashioned type, and needs, like, wooing.
Pete can do that.
The next week he brings a bouquet of roses. Red ones, long stemmed, each thorn carefully pruned off. It’s a brilliant plan, but Emily falls and scuffs her new sneakers, so he gives her a rose. Then Stephen the bully - who’s even made Pete’s eyes water once or twice - tells little Lisa Anne that her parents don’t love her because she’s ugly.
He gives her a rose.
After that it’s one of the moms who keeps fishing tissues out of her purse and wiping her eyes. She smiles all wobbly when people ask if she’s ok. Pete gives her a rose, too.
By the end of There Was An Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe, all he has to offer Patrick is the cellophane and damp foil that used to hold the roses. “I got you this,” he says weakly.
“Thanks,” Patrick says. He wads it up and tosses it in the trash. “Every little bit helps to keep this place clean.”
Desperate to salvage it, Pete blurts, “Is there a closet? We could get in it.”
Patrick looks at him oddly and walks away.
Ok. So that failed.
***
Pete stays up late Monday night reading pick-up lines on the internet and making a flow chart on printer paper that folds neatly down to the size of a credit card.
He sleeps right through his alarm and misses Sock Puppet Theater.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Gabe says when Pete calls to complain. “This guy seems immune to your admittedly dubious, questionable, nigh on invisible charms.”
Pete hangs up on him.
***
On Thursday, Patrick wears turquoise sneakers with his skinny jeans. Pete picks a seat to the side so he can watch them where they stick out from behind the curtain.
Even worse, Patrick sings a song in the middle of the show. Pete’s hands clench so tight around his flow chart that it’s twisted and smudged from sweat by the time Patrick crawls out from behind the stage.
He shoves it back in his pocket and goes over anyway.
“Wait,” Patrick says quickly. He presses his palm over Pete’s mouth and says, “Don’t say anything. For the love of God, just. Don’t speak.”
This is not promising.
“Mmmfnnmph,” Pete agrees.
“Ok,” Patrick takes a deep breath. He moves his hand away, slowly, eyes narrowing the further it gets from Pete’s mouth, and says, “Would you maybe like to go get some coffee?”