I have more ideas than actions.
Would that make me a theorist? Pfft
An idealist? doubtful
a what - defeatist,or just a round about lazy complaining puff of words like most.
I can't get a grasp on any of my feelings yet still try to sort our the circumstances they fall into. Causing me to offend, confuse, or lead on others who are involved in anyway.
There's much more of me affected by my mother than I've come to believe and it's terrifying.
Not the facts but the notion that I'm going to have to find a way to get over it all and toss it aside.
Because those things are so god damn useless - hinderances and censoring.
My body is demanding I finding someone to find release in, but my mind rears and is repulsed by the idea of seeing someone naked anywhere near me.
I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know WHAT I'm thinking about anymore. I've come to a conclusion that I'm not going to be as happy as I can be until I'm done this stupid schooling gig. I can't explore the depths of myself because most of the time I'm expected to be the conservative and professional lackey of an industry that's run by shallow, careless, and money hungry individuals.
I want to snap and let it all out, but it is too inconvenient to do that right now.
What a horrible horrible notion.
I'm tired of being chained to stupid and useless contracts
Owing money over things that I couldn't give a damn about
Trying to fill up time and space with things and people I don't really care for
And being unable to figure out what it means to be true to myself
Or even find the things that I really really enjoy doing.
I think I have to go back on medication. I'm more than sure I'm living in general fear. Not over anything specific, but it's become a cultivated feeling.
I don't need real love, I just need to truly feel something and stop living with my conscious brain.
Because it's brought nothing but woe for me.
An idealist? doubtful
a what - defeatist,or just a round about lazy complaining puff of words like most.
I can't get a grasp on any of my feelings yet still try to sort our the circumstances they fall into. Causing me to offend, confuse, or lead on others who are involved in anyway.
There's much more of me affected by my mother than I've come to believe and it's terrifying.
Not the facts but the notion that I'm going to have to find a way to get over it all and toss it aside.
Because those things are so god damn useless - hinderances and censoring.
My body is demanding I finding someone to find release in, but my mind rears and is repulsed by the idea of seeing someone naked anywhere near me.
I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know WHAT I'm thinking about anymore. I've come to a conclusion that I'm not going to be as happy as I can be until I'm done this stupid schooling gig. I can't explore the depths of myself because most of the time I'm expected to be the conservative and professional lackey of an industry that's run by shallow, careless, and money hungry individuals.
I want to snap and let it all out, but it is too inconvenient to do that right now.
What a horrible horrible notion.
I'm tired of being chained to stupid and useless contracts
Owing money over things that I couldn't give a damn about
Trying to fill up time and space with things and people I don't really care for
And being unable to figure out what it means to be true to myself
Or even find the things that I really really enjoy doing.
I think I have to go back on medication. I'm more than sure I'm living in general fear. Not over anything specific, but it's become a cultivated feeling.
I don't need real love, I just need to truly feel something and stop living with my conscious brain.
Because it's brought nothing but woe for me.