Sometimes, I worry myself.

[adeina_rhyddha]

Title: Where Did I Go Wrong?
Pairing(s): Arthur/Merlin.
Warnings: Character death ( main character death ), angst, a mention of sex. The most depressing piece I've written so far, by a long shot.
Spoiler(s): Vague ones, but nothing major. 
Word count: 2561.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: I don't really want to give too much away, so I'll just say it's Merlin reflecting on his relationship with Arthur. Fill in the rest from the warnings, if you catch my drift.
Author's Notes: I was writing something totally different when I got this idea last night. I wrote it, and it's...yeah. Pretty depressing. There are not meant to be capitals, by the way - I just kind of decided that as I was writing it. The title is from How To Save A Life by The Fray, which is what I was listening to when I wrote it ( and what I am listening to now, incidently ). I think it's a little jumpy, but it's a dramatic monologue, so please give me a little credit there - it's my first fic in the first person narrative.

when we first met, it looked like we'd never get on well. i would never had said then that we could be friends. or even...even whatever it was that we were.

what were we? at the end? i don't know. i don't think you did, either. i don't think anyone did, but that didn't matter to us. we were happy, and that was all that really mattered.

and when we met, no one would have said that, would they? no one. we were opposites. you were a prat and i was an idiot. that's what we called each other.

they were like titles. i insulted you and tried to fight you and even using my skills you still won. because you could do that, couldn't you? you could do anything. prince of camelot. no, i'm his son - arthur. i still remember that day. my first day. the first day of the rest of my life, as they say. the very first time we met, all those years ago. before we grew up and became mature and adult and you stopped being such a prat and i stopped being such an idiot.

that was a strange day, really.

i saved you from the knife, and uther said i could be your manservant. like it was some great honour or something! it was ridiculous, that's what it was. the last thing i wanted was to be your manservant! but over time, i got to know you, to understand you. and the damned dragon was spouting all that stuff about destiny and coins and saying i couldn't do it alone - i needed you, and you needed me. i think it worked like that, really. i think we needed each other. i think that is how it worked, why it worked. why i drank the poison, why you defied your father to save me. why we were always doing stupid things. why we always saved each other. you had a great destiny, arthur. the dragon told me that. he said you would unite all of albion, but i had to send him away. i had no one to help me after that. oh, i had you and gaius, but it was different. it was the dragon, it was kilgharrah, that had truly helped me with his strange, confusing riddles. once he was gone, i had to manage on my own. i had to pave my own way and save you on my own terms. it was harder, but i used everything i had learnt over the past couple of years, and it worked.

i know how much it hurt you. you couldn't hide it from me - i saw it in your eyes. you loved guinevere, and everyone knew it. you could see it in the way you looked at her. she was everything you wanted and everything that you couldn't have. but lancelot could have her, and that was the worst part for you, i think. they knew that they could be together, and that tore you apart. it was hard for you, that was. very hard.

but i was always there, wasn't i? i tried to be. i couldn't understand what you were going through, but i was there for you. like you were when i got my heart broken. when i had to send freya off after she'd died - after you killed her - and you found me and you'd been watching. i'd never pegged you as one to ever notice anything - much less anything about me - and so it shocked me. you talked to me and said i shouldn't have called you fat. i never did, you were just insecure. you gave me a noogie and when i smiled at you, you smiled back and said that was better. and it was. i could be myself with you - well, for the most part. there were some things you couldn't know, but with you, i could be myself.

i think you felt the same way. i can't say that i knew, because you were always so confusing to me, from day one. but i liked that about you - i liked that i never really knew what you were going to do. like when you came to ealdor after me. i never expected that, but i admired you for it. you were willing to do almost anything for me, and i for you in return. it was complicated, our relationship, complex in ways that no one could understand. in ways that even we couldn't understand. but i do like to think that you felt the same way - that you could be yourself to me. i remember when you threw the pillow at me and told me to tell you things, said that if you weren't a prince that maybe we'd be friends. we weren't friends, even then. we were never friends. our relationship was more than master and servant, but we were never friends - we were always something more than that, i know.

i always called you arthur. sometimes sire, but i called you arthur. that's who you were to me. you were not just crowned prince of camelot - you were arthur pendragon. i knew that meant something to you by the way you smiled when i said it. everyone treated you differently because you were the prince - i did no such thing. you liked that. you pretended that you didn't, but i could see it in your eyes. you could never hide anything from me.

when we went after balinor, and you moaned my name...that was when i realised, i think. when i realised just how far this relationship had gone, at least for me. you loved gwen, and she loved you and lancelot, and i loved you. it was wrong and strange and new and scary, but that's what i felt. i think that balinor - my father - realised it too, by the way he looked at me. after he had died, you told me that no man was worth my tears. i wanted to tell you that only two men would ever be worth my tears - my father and yourself. you were worth everything, and my tears were most definately one of them. i would have done anything for you, arthur pendragon, and if you had died that day as you thought you would, i would have cried. oh, how i would have cried.

but you didn't die. many brave and noble knights did, and many were injured too. but you were fine. of course you were. you were the prince - you were strong and could seemingly survive anything. you laughed your glorious laugh, thinking you had gotten rid of kilgharrah. it wasn't until years later when i told you that you realised. but you didn't mind - you were thankful. you were always thankful.

you had father issues, i know. i understood that, at least on some level. you loved uther, i know you did, but your relationship with him was almost as complicated as your relationship with me. gaius did everything he could, but uther died. and you were sad. you knew he was going to die, and you had stayed with him. i was outside, and was keeping everyone away. you came out and there were tears sparkling in your beautiful eyes. i simply held out my arms and for once in your life you let someone hold you. you let someone comfort you. i held you and you clung to me like i was keeping you alive, and you whispered that you didn't think you were ready. i told you that you'd been ready for years, and all you had to do was believe it. you looked at me and saw something there and steeled yourself and went to say that the king was dead. a week after his funeral, you were crowned king. that was the proudest day of my life, and the look you gave me made everything worthwhile. you were scared and worried, but i was there. i was always there.

you declared that day that i was going to be the court sorcerer. i don't think anything has ever shocked me as much as that did. i didn't even know you knew! but you did, and you had for a long time. you just hadn't said anything because of your father. but now you did, and you said how many times i had saved your life, all the things that i had done for camelot. i was flattered, and it was perfect, and you grinned at me and gave me a brief hug and then the congratulations from everyone else came. it was all very strange and that night was a bit of a blur. i woke up and swore i'd never drink that much wine again, ever.

you married gwen about a year after your coronation. she still loved lancelot, but you needed a queen, and an heir. she provided you with both, the sweet, gentle, kind hearted guinevere. but you knew she wasn't truly happy, and you turned a blind eye to her affair with lancelot. it made you sad, but it made her happy, and that was what mattered to you. i told you how proud i was of you, how much you had grown up and changed since i had first met you. you had looked at me then, and it was like you were really seeing me for the very first time.

you had lunged at me, encasing me in your arms. you were always so much stronger than i was. i was that smallest bit taller, but you were broader and more muscular. you pressed me against you and kissed me, and it was rough and wet and sloppy and perfect. when you broke away, i could only imagine the look on my face - i couldn't believe my luck. and you had smiled and kissed my cheekbones and murmured sweet nothings to me. you said you'd been missing what was in front of you the entire time, and that you needed me. i knew that, but now you needed something different from me.

we made love for the first time that night. it was slow and careful, both of us unsure of ourselves. it was new and uncharted territory, but you were gentle and patient and though there was a burn there, the pleasure over rode everything. because it was you, and it was everything. i loved you, and i murmured that to you later when my back was pressed against your chest. i thought you were asleep, but you had smiled and said you loved me too, and nothing could have made me happier right then. that was the best night of my life. i don't think i ever told you that, and i regret not doing so.

the dragon said that if i let mordred live i would not be able to fulfill my destiny. i said i thought my destiny was to protect you, and he had said that was right. it confused me, as most of what he said did, but i thought nothing of it. or at least, i did until the war started.

you had created albion, just like kilgharrah said you would. albion was peaceful and you were a great ruler - fair and just. i was always by your side, whenever you needed me. guinevere was there, too, as was lancelot. the four of us, together. gwen was a good queen, and lancelot a fine knight. and i was the court sorcerer - people knew not to mess with us. but the druids started a war, and it was mordred that lead them. morgana was there, too, and i think that hurt the most. you thought of her as a sister, and it hurt to know she was betraying you now. she said it was uther's fault, but it was you that suffered for it.

when mordred hit you...i felt my chest tighten. i was fighting some of the druids, keeping one eye on you the entire time. i was not fast enough, though, and he hit you. i screamed - i know i screamed - and the druids i had been fighting fell. i ran over to you. it felt like the world was slowing down, and there was only you and me and i couldn't see or hear the fight around us, though i knew it was still happening. i fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around you. you would not last long, that i could see. tears started to roll down my cheeks, and you gave a weak laugh and said you thought you had told me that no man was worth my tears. i told you that you had said that, but that you were worth my tears. you were worth everything, because you were everything.

you had laughed weakly again, then coughed. you brought up a little blood. i gasped and bit my lip, my tears salty against my tongue. you were going to die - you were dying. and there was nothing i could do, no magic that i could use to save you. so instead i told you that i loved you and you said it back and i kissed you one last time. you passed away shortly after, still in my arms, and i cried for you. i cried for you and for me and for albion. i wept for the loss of everyone. for weeks after you died, i was holed away in our rooms, crying to myself. i didn't eat, i didn't sleep. eventually i ventured out again and helped guinevere while she ruled, but nothing was the same without you around.

just before you died, i whispered a spell against your lips. it was one of reincarnation, one that would bring you back. not soon, but one day. it was a spell that would bring us all back - you and me and guinevere and lancelot. all of us. it probably meant that uther and morgana and mordred would be back, too, but that didn't matter so much, because you would be back. i would be back. we'd be back one day, and we could be together. that is why i muttered that spell.

your funeral was impossible for me. i attended, and it was only time in the first month after you died that i had left our rooms. i missed you terribly. it was an ache in my chest, like someone had ripped something out. it couldn't be replaced, i knew that. no one could replace you. no one could compare to you, because you were - are - incomparable. i missed everything, from the way you said my name to the way you kissed me to the way the sun made your hair look even more golden. i missed hearing your voice calling me an idiot, always in the most affectionate way, and i missed you complaining. i missed you, the very essence of you. your scent and your laugh and your smile. the way you spoke. just your voice. you, arthur. i missed you. i still do.

but one day, arthur pendragon, we will be together again. i look forward to that day like nothing else.