Emotions
Emotions are such a fucked up thing. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. For the last few days, my mind hasn't been able to keep still for more than a few minutes at a time, which is supremely annoying. More recently though its been settling on the negative. I suppose I should have seen this coming, and I was a fool if I ever thought I wouldn't feel like this (I think I kinda did) but yeah, it's not proving easy.
Lonliness is such a horrible thing, and it seems to be increasing. I need to meet someone, and soon. Someone with whom I can be in a relationship, because I like them enough, they like me enough, and because there's nothing getting in the way like them still getting over past relationships, only seeing me as a friend, etc. I'm undeniably a jealous person. Hell I'm jealous of every single one of my friends, because I honestly don't know a single person who has never been in a relationship. One of my brothers has had a dozen girlfriends, the other only 2 - he's with his second - but the first relationship lasted a year and a half, so I'm jealous of them too. It's hard to take because there's no end in sight. It's not a pain anyone can understand, so nobody please reply to this saying you can, because none of you have been single your entire life. I know I'm a good guy. I know I have a lot to offer girls. I just need that chance, that opportunity to do so.
Confidence is undeniably an issue, but that's a vicious circle and increasingly so - not having any romantic success is devastating to my confidence, yet I need confidence in order to assist in getting romantic success. Ha. Another vicious circle.
In other news...the flat is still hell. The wooden exteriors are all being replaced, and the workmen start at 7am Monday to Friday. That means insanely loud and annoying banging, and we only knew it was happening the day it started. Oh joy. And as for the boiler problem, well someone is lying to us - and we don't know who. We finally emailed our letting agent after spending weeks waiting for the boiler parts to arrive, and they told us the plumbers have told them I've been in communication with them and have arranged a date to come round. False. I don't have their number, they don't have mine. They have Ali's, but no contact has been made (and she doesn't have theirs). Apparently we're also going to be billed for "missed call outs" according to the plumbers. Aye. RIght. I'm taking legal action as soon as this is sorted, and if it means taking on the plumbers, the building factors and my letting agency all at once I will. I refuse to pay a penny, and I want a great many pennies from somebody for all this inconvenience. Not happy. It comes up at a residents association meeting on Sunday, I just pray we are believed because there's no physical evidence of anything, it's all word of mouth, phone conversations, and a few emails. "Fuck" I believe is the word.
Job-wise I have something confirmed - my summer placement in Livingston want me back again for an undisclosed period but I've got a confirmed starting date of 26th May. At the very least I've got more time.
Uni is heating up, it's my final semester of course. DIssertation meeting tomorrow, from here I'll be on the final straight. Still not totally sure where the final quarter of it is going and that's a problem I'll need to resolve tomorrow, but once I know it should be easy as the rest of it can be pretty much finished by next week. I hope.
Overall...this has been a shite start to 2008 really. There's been a couple of good moments, and I've found another close friend in the shape of Ais (that's Kim of FallenBlackRose fame's cousin by the way) with whom I get on great, but generally it's been a bit of a fucked up couple of months. Self pitying helps nothing, it really doesn't, but keeping my mind focussed has been difficult of late. With my social circle I can't escape things or people easily, and given how easily rumours spread - especially about me - that makes me uneasy as well. It's not just about me, but when things are spread those close to me are targeted to an agonising degree as well - Rach and Ali are just two of those who have been tormented purely because they are associated with me. That sounds like dramabombing, but unfortunately I'm deadly serious, and like hell will I allow anyone else to go through that on my account under any circumstances whatso-fucking-ever. So I've always a reason to be uneasy.
Will tomorrow be a better day? Will Bamboo yield some kind of positivity? Doubt it. As I seem to have ended a lot of entries made in this mood lately - and yes, I know there's been a fair few - a man can dream, eh? At least when I am asleep and dreaming I'm not lonely. Less emo entry will hopefully follow, as soon as I discover a reason to make one :)
Lonliness is such a horrible thing, and it seems to be increasing. I need to meet someone, and soon. Someone with whom I can be in a relationship, because I like them enough, they like me enough, and because there's nothing getting in the way like them still getting over past relationships, only seeing me as a friend, etc. I'm undeniably a jealous person. Hell I'm jealous of every single one of my friends, because I honestly don't know a single person who has never been in a relationship. One of my brothers has had a dozen girlfriends, the other only 2 - he's with his second - but the first relationship lasted a year and a half, so I'm jealous of them too. It's hard to take because there's no end in sight. It's not a pain anyone can understand, so nobody please reply to this saying you can, because none of you have been single your entire life. I know I'm a good guy. I know I have a lot to offer girls. I just need that chance, that opportunity to do so.
Confidence is undeniably an issue, but that's a vicious circle and increasingly so - not having any romantic success is devastating to my confidence, yet I need confidence in order to assist in getting romantic success. Ha. Another vicious circle.
In other news...the flat is still hell. The wooden exteriors are all being replaced, and the workmen start at 7am Monday to Friday. That means insanely loud and annoying banging, and we only knew it was happening the day it started. Oh joy. And as for the boiler problem, well someone is lying to us - and we don't know who. We finally emailed our letting agent after spending weeks waiting for the boiler parts to arrive, and they told us the plumbers have told them I've been in communication with them and have arranged a date to come round. False. I don't have their number, they don't have mine. They have Ali's, but no contact has been made (and she doesn't have theirs). Apparently we're also going to be billed for "missed call outs" according to the plumbers. Aye. RIght. I'm taking legal action as soon as this is sorted, and if it means taking on the plumbers, the building factors and my letting agency all at once I will. I refuse to pay a penny, and I want a great many pennies from somebody for all this inconvenience. Not happy. It comes up at a residents association meeting on Sunday, I just pray we are believed because there's no physical evidence of anything, it's all word of mouth, phone conversations, and a few emails. "Fuck" I believe is the word.
Job-wise I have something confirmed - my summer placement in Livingston want me back again for an undisclosed period but I've got a confirmed starting date of 26th May. At the very least I've got more time.
Uni is heating up, it's my final semester of course. DIssertation meeting tomorrow, from here I'll be on the final straight. Still not totally sure where the final quarter of it is going and that's a problem I'll need to resolve tomorrow, but once I know it should be easy as the rest of it can be pretty much finished by next week. I hope.
Overall...this has been a shite start to 2008 really. There's been a couple of good moments, and I've found another close friend in the shape of Ais (that's Kim of FallenBlackRose fame's cousin by the way) with whom I get on great, but generally it's been a bit of a fucked up couple of months. Self pitying helps nothing, it really doesn't, but keeping my mind focussed has been difficult of late. With my social circle I can't escape things or people easily, and given how easily rumours spread - especially about me - that makes me uneasy as well. It's not just about me, but when things are spread those close to me are targeted to an agonising degree as well - Rach and Ali are just two of those who have been tormented purely because they are associated with me. That sounds like dramabombing, but unfortunately I'm deadly serious, and like hell will I allow anyone else to go through that on my account under any circumstances whatso-fucking-ever. So I've always a reason to be uneasy.
Will tomorrow be a better day? Will Bamboo yield some kind of positivity? Doubt it. As I seem to have ended a lot of entries made in this mood lately - and yes, I know there's been a fair few - a man can dream, eh? At least when I am asleep and dreaming I'm not lonely. Less emo entry will hopefully follow, as soon as I discover a reason to make one :)