Ugh
And another week ends badly. Felt like shite, but went to the Cathouse anyway, because it was either be alone and feel like crap or be with other people and feel like crap. WIth lonliness sinking in the latter seemed more palatable, and I guess it was, but I was never gonna last the whole night. Right now I should really just list everything that's bothering me, and try not to end each sentence with "But that's my fault because of x". Really, that part's irrelevant now.
1. My bank balance is at the tail end of the overdraft. The reason for this is that a single person owes me close to £800 and rising, and despite numerous promises to start paying me back ever since the debt began 6 months ago I've yet to see a penny. I lent the money for not entirely selfless reasons - what it was being spent on I had a lot to gain from in the first place and there wasn't any option. But I was supposed to get it back, not let it double in size. I don't even have all the figures to hand, but the person concerned does.
The problem is that broaching the subject makes me uncomfortable. I don't like asking people for money, whether it's because I've run out and need to borrow, or even like now when I'm trying to recall a debt that has gotten way out of hand. I never win arguments because the other person ends up defensive or just uses the old "but you'll get it back in x days/weeks/months" line and I believe it every single time. I'm too nice for my own good, believe virtually every excuse given on the grounds that I don't know exactly what the money is being spent on that means I'm not getting it back. I don't feel comfortable questioning the person's spending habits, even though this is now a serious amount of money that I really could do with getting back. Of course, I shouldn't need to ask for it back, I should just be given it. But if I get anything within 2 months I'll be extremely surprised. By which time I'll be owed more, of course. I'm not naming anyone or explaining what I'm owed and why by the way.
I'm a student with at least £16,000 of debt -1800 from my (admittedly interest free, but still) overdraft and student loans that will hit £15k taking interest into consideration by the summer. I've got savings, but they don't cover all that debt, so to be down that much isn't good.
2. I'm still having extremely disturbing dreams. It happens every couple of months - I'll have a dream in which I meet a violent demise, either with or because of people I really care about. On Thursday night it happened again, and it was the second in which my head was bitten off by a T-Rex. Sounds funny, but it really isn't - I was hanging in its jaws, somehow still alive, for ages. And I could "feel" a lot of pain.
This was hardly pleasant when I went to bed that night feeling utterly miserable (this was a few hours after my last entry). I really really wish I didn't get these dreams, or at least knew what they meant.
3. Our flat problems. The boiler has broken, and consequently downstairs is ruined. They have had their ceiling cave in and the main waste pipe melt - with the contents entering their flat - due to said boiler. The effect on us has obviously been less severe but it's still a serious pain. We can only put the boiler on for very short periods, less we make it worse for downstairs. Thus we have no heating - which in Glasgow January temperatures is beyond shite. The place is seriously freezing. We have very limited hot water for the same reason, and as the shower is connected to the boiler limited use ot that as well. A seperate issue is no washing machine, as when we attempted to use that recently we flooded downstairs. On top of all this, trying to get folk out to fix this problem is insanely hard due to the Christmas season, Ali working full time, and me being In Livingston right now. Naturally, our extremely unhelpful landlords are getting pissy at us, when really there's nothing much we can do. Yes, compensation claims are at the forefront of my mind - I want something back for this.
4. My love life is a complete wreck. I'm a 21 year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend. Every girl who has ever liked me has been either a psychopath (I mean this pejoratively not clinically...), utterly unsuited for me (and I don't mean in the sense of my standards being ridiculously high, I mean in the sense of "I'd kill her within a week due to driving me insane"), in a relationship or recovering from the end of a recent one, or some combination thereof. Any girl I've ever liked has been either way out of my league, just plain not interested, or in a relationship/recovering from the end of a recent one.
This is without exception, and it's getting seriously seriously depressing now. I need someone genuine who is ready for a relationship and around whom I feel comfortable.
Christ i'm so bloody jealous of absolutely everyone who has ever had a relationship. Not a single person I know can relate to me on that front, and that part alone makes it all so much worse.
5. Related to 1. I'm finding I'm letting people walk all over me more often rather than less often. I just can't be nasty to people. Partially because I don't like being nasty, partially because my spine is made of liquid, partially because I dislike conflict of any kind, and partially because I know it's virtually impossible for me to win any argument. If ever I am winning, my opponent pulls out the "I'm right because I'm right now fuck off" trump card that no amount of logic can ever refute. It's far harder to win an argument with a stupiid person than an intelligent one - unless the latter is also using a generous dose of sanctimony and/or vanity, they are more likely to concede when logic gets the better of them. As stupid people tend to bypass logic altogether because it's such a bastard, it's impossible to win a lot of the time unless you are a good mate. Even when it's my good mates I'm arguing with, it doesn't tend to end well for me.
I don't know how I'm going to get out of this one really, it's a bugger of a mindset, and I keep finding reasons to validate it. THE FORUM is of course a big one.
6. Good things keep getting cancelled. Things like social occasions that I've spent ages waiting for, only to find myself doing nothing due to some freak occurence. Not something that anyone can do anything about, but still a complete pain, especially when your luck is going against you.
7. Job-wise, I'm getting nowhere. Graduate jobs, I mean. This one mostly is my fault, but there's still folk I've not heard from that I was hoping to by now. I'm hoping the delay is good news, but I don't know. Things are scary on that front nonetheless.
8. Current placement is going badly. The utter incompetence of IT is proving a bigger pain than it was in the summer, I've still got various patronising arseholes thinking it's perfectly ok to be a cunt to me because (a) I'm asking them to update their risk assessments like they should have done 2 years ago and (b) I'm a student, and young, and therefore fair game because they know more and are better than me generally. There are a few nice ones, a few helpful ones, but it's always the incompetent arseholes who stand out. And of course, the travel is killing me - 2 hours travel each way is less than fun.
9. I'm permanently shattered. Mainly due to the travel to and from Livingston. I've always been one to burn the candle at both ends though, and I can never seem to balance sleep just right. I've got such inertia when it comes to it - when I'm awake I can't be arsed going to bed, even though I need/want to, when I'm in bed I can't be arsed getting up, even though I need/want to.
10. I just can't shake this self discipline problem. it's self perpetuating - if I had the self discipline I needed to solve the problem it wouldn't be a problem, etc. Extremely frustrating, so it is.
That's all I can think of right now .My life is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but a bit of extra luck would be seriously appreciated right about now.
1. My bank balance is at the tail end of the overdraft. The reason for this is that a single person owes me close to £800 and rising, and despite numerous promises to start paying me back ever since the debt began 6 months ago I've yet to see a penny. I lent the money for not entirely selfless reasons - what it was being spent on I had a lot to gain from in the first place and there wasn't any option. But I was supposed to get it back, not let it double in size. I don't even have all the figures to hand, but the person concerned does.
The problem is that broaching the subject makes me uncomfortable. I don't like asking people for money, whether it's because I've run out and need to borrow, or even like now when I'm trying to recall a debt that has gotten way out of hand. I never win arguments because the other person ends up defensive or just uses the old "but you'll get it back in x days/weeks/months" line and I believe it every single time. I'm too nice for my own good, believe virtually every excuse given on the grounds that I don't know exactly what the money is being spent on that means I'm not getting it back. I don't feel comfortable questioning the person's spending habits, even though this is now a serious amount of money that I really could do with getting back. Of course, I shouldn't need to ask for it back, I should just be given it. But if I get anything within 2 months I'll be extremely surprised. By which time I'll be owed more, of course. I'm not naming anyone or explaining what I'm owed and why by the way.
I'm a student with at least £16,000 of debt -1800 from my (admittedly interest free, but still) overdraft and student loans that will hit £15k taking interest into consideration by the summer. I've got savings, but they don't cover all that debt, so to be down that much isn't good.
2. I'm still having extremely disturbing dreams. It happens every couple of months - I'll have a dream in which I meet a violent demise, either with or because of people I really care about. On Thursday night it happened again, and it was the second in which my head was bitten off by a T-Rex. Sounds funny, but it really isn't - I was hanging in its jaws, somehow still alive, for ages. And I could "feel" a lot of pain.
This was hardly pleasant when I went to bed that night feeling utterly miserable (this was a few hours after my last entry). I really really wish I didn't get these dreams, or at least knew what they meant.
3. Our flat problems. The boiler has broken, and consequently downstairs is ruined. They have had their ceiling cave in and the main waste pipe melt - with the contents entering their flat - due to said boiler. The effect on us has obviously been less severe but it's still a serious pain. We can only put the boiler on for very short periods, less we make it worse for downstairs. Thus we have no heating - which in Glasgow January temperatures is beyond shite. The place is seriously freezing. We have very limited hot water for the same reason, and as the shower is connected to the boiler limited use ot that as well. A seperate issue is no washing machine, as when we attempted to use that recently we flooded downstairs. On top of all this, trying to get folk out to fix this problem is insanely hard due to the Christmas season, Ali working full time, and me being In Livingston right now. Naturally, our extremely unhelpful landlords are getting pissy at us, when really there's nothing much we can do. Yes, compensation claims are at the forefront of my mind - I want something back for this.
4. My love life is a complete wreck. I'm a 21 year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend. Every girl who has ever liked me has been either a psychopath (I mean this pejoratively not clinically...), utterly unsuited for me (and I don't mean in the sense of my standards being ridiculously high, I mean in the sense of "I'd kill her within a week due to driving me insane"), in a relationship or recovering from the end of a recent one, or some combination thereof. Any girl I've ever liked has been either way out of my league, just plain not interested, or in a relationship/recovering from the end of a recent one.
This is without exception, and it's getting seriously seriously depressing now. I need someone genuine who is ready for a relationship and around whom I feel comfortable.
Christ i'm so bloody jealous of absolutely everyone who has ever had a relationship. Not a single person I know can relate to me on that front, and that part alone makes it all so much worse.
5. Related to 1. I'm finding I'm letting people walk all over me more often rather than less often. I just can't be nasty to people. Partially because I don't like being nasty, partially because my spine is made of liquid, partially because I dislike conflict of any kind, and partially because I know it's virtually impossible for me to win any argument. If ever I am winning, my opponent pulls out the "I'm right because I'm right now fuck off" trump card that no amount of logic can ever refute. It's far harder to win an argument with a stupiid person than an intelligent one - unless the latter is also using a generous dose of sanctimony and/or vanity, they are more likely to concede when logic gets the better of them. As stupid people tend to bypass logic altogether because it's such a bastard, it's impossible to win a lot of the time unless you are a good mate. Even when it's my good mates I'm arguing with, it doesn't tend to end well for me.
I don't know how I'm going to get out of this one really, it's a bugger of a mindset, and I keep finding reasons to validate it. THE FORUM is of course a big one.
6. Good things keep getting cancelled. Things like social occasions that I've spent ages waiting for, only to find myself doing nothing due to some freak occurence. Not something that anyone can do anything about, but still a complete pain, especially when your luck is going against you.
7. Job-wise, I'm getting nowhere. Graduate jobs, I mean. This one mostly is my fault, but there's still folk I've not heard from that I was hoping to by now. I'm hoping the delay is good news, but I don't know. Things are scary on that front nonetheless.
8. Current placement is going badly. The utter incompetence of IT is proving a bigger pain than it was in the summer, I've still got various patronising arseholes thinking it's perfectly ok to be a cunt to me because (a) I'm asking them to update their risk assessments like they should have done 2 years ago and (b) I'm a student, and young, and therefore fair game because they know more and are better than me generally. There are a few nice ones, a few helpful ones, but it's always the incompetent arseholes who stand out. And of course, the travel is killing me - 2 hours travel each way is less than fun.
9. I'm permanently shattered. Mainly due to the travel to and from Livingston. I've always been one to burn the candle at both ends though, and I can never seem to balance sleep just right. I've got such inertia when it comes to it - when I'm awake I can't be arsed going to bed, even though I need/want to, when I'm in bed I can't be arsed getting up, even though I need/want to.
10. I just can't shake this self discipline problem. it's self perpetuating - if I had the self discipline I needed to solve the problem it wouldn't be a problem, etc. Extremely frustrating, so it is.
That's all I can think of right now .My life is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but a bit of extra luck would be seriously appreciated right about now.