Well
Today was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it still took a lot out of me.
In the cold light of day I still mean every word I said last night, I'm not going to take that back. I really need to meet somebody, and I don't know if I can do that on my own. I'm so utterly utterly envious of people who have folk falling over themselves wanting to be with them, and exactly zero sympathy for anyone who complains about that. Try years of lonliness, then complain about folk actually being interested in you.
Anyway, main reason for this entry is to say just how much I love one of the most depressing songs I've ever heard. It's Less Than Jake's Rest of My Life, and it's basically my anthem for when I've fucked up. Which is, of course, most days. I've been known to spend 2 hours just wandering aimlessly around listening to it. I don't know, I just resonate with it somehow.
The song is about acceptance of having made so many mistakes that you've hit rock bottom, facing up to them and going all out to rectify things because there's nothing left to lose. It sounds positive and upbeat (albeit in dire circumstances) but the reflections of the singer come across as an attempt to disguise self pity with nobility. I've been there so many times I never know which is which now. What is true sorrow and desire for redemption, and what is a mere realisation of just how fucked up you really are and have been?
The video is very interesting. It starts with most of a quote from Alden Nolan - When a child realises all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent. When he learns to forgive them, he becomes an adult. The very end shows the rest of the quote - When he learns to forgive himself, he becomes wise.
It's not a trick I've ever learned. I don't like asking people for help because I always try to find a way to attribute fuckups to myself in some way, whether or not it could have been in any way my fault. If it's my fault it's not fair to burden anyone else by asking for help. That sounds self pitying but it really isn't, I've been crying myself to sleep since I was 7 because of messed up situations that I couldn't seek help with because I didn't deserve it because it was my fault. There are definitely cases when that can be true at 20+, but my mental health was genuinely in question a lot of the time when that happened, or else it otherwise just wasn't something I wasn't "allowed" to seek help with. And when I was a small boy that was definitely the case, the things I blamed on myself couldn't possibly have been my fault.
The video itself shows a few groups of adult situations - a guy crashes into another guy's car and fight over responsibility, a drug addict prostitute is arrested and watched over in a holding cell at the police station by a guard, a reasonably well to do couple have a fight at home. All six characters are shown as young children (between 8 and 12 it would appear) and are seen singing the lyrics, interspersing their fighting with realisations of how low they have all fallen. In the final chorus, all 6 become adults and sort out their problems. The car crash guys accept that there's no undoing the accident, and call a truce, shaking hands. One makes a phonecall (presumably to a garage) while the other sits in frustration on his car. The policeman, who has earlier seen the prostitute pondering over a tub of what is presumably drugs of some kind, gives her a cup of water after she abandons the tub in the toilet. The couple appear to make up, but then start arguing over blame. At the very end, just before the quote comes up, we see them as children again.
It's very powerful stuff, and even though it depresses me every time I hear it, I love it and often can't stop listening to it.
I need to get out of this mindset. I need to stop revelling in unhappiness and fucked up situations. But how? If anyone has an answer that avoids self help and cliched bullshit, please clue me in. I can't let myself go on like this, I really can't.
In the cold light of day I still mean every word I said last night, I'm not going to take that back. I really need to meet somebody, and I don't know if I can do that on my own. I'm so utterly utterly envious of people who have folk falling over themselves wanting to be with them, and exactly zero sympathy for anyone who complains about that. Try years of lonliness, then complain about folk actually being interested in you.
Anyway, main reason for this entry is to say just how much I love one of the most depressing songs I've ever heard. It's Less Than Jake's Rest of My Life, and it's basically my anthem for when I've fucked up. Which is, of course, most days. I've been known to spend 2 hours just wandering aimlessly around listening to it. I don't know, I just resonate with it somehow.
The song is about acceptance of having made so many mistakes that you've hit rock bottom, facing up to them and going all out to rectify things because there's nothing left to lose. It sounds positive and upbeat (albeit in dire circumstances) but the reflections of the singer come across as an attempt to disguise self pity with nobility. I've been there so many times I never know which is which now. What is true sorrow and desire for redemption, and what is a mere realisation of just how fucked up you really are and have been?
The video is very interesting. It starts with most of a quote from Alden Nolan - When a child realises all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent. When he learns to forgive them, he becomes an adult. The very end shows the rest of the quote - When he learns to forgive himself, he becomes wise.
It's not a trick I've ever learned. I don't like asking people for help because I always try to find a way to attribute fuckups to myself in some way, whether or not it could have been in any way my fault. If it's my fault it's not fair to burden anyone else by asking for help. That sounds self pitying but it really isn't, I've been crying myself to sleep since I was 7 because of messed up situations that I couldn't seek help with because I didn't deserve it because it was my fault. There are definitely cases when that can be true at 20+, but my mental health was genuinely in question a lot of the time when that happened, or else it otherwise just wasn't something I wasn't "allowed" to seek help with. And when I was a small boy that was definitely the case, the things I blamed on myself couldn't possibly have been my fault.
The video itself shows a few groups of adult situations - a guy crashes into another guy's car and fight over responsibility, a drug addict prostitute is arrested and watched over in a holding cell at the police station by a guard, a reasonably well to do couple have a fight at home. All six characters are shown as young children (between 8 and 12 it would appear) and are seen singing the lyrics, interspersing their fighting with realisations of how low they have all fallen. In the final chorus, all 6 become adults and sort out their problems. The car crash guys accept that there's no undoing the accident, and call a truce, shaking hands. One makes a phonecall (presumably to a garage) while the other sits in frustration on his car. The policeman, who has earlier seen the prostitute pondering over a tub of what is presumably drugs of some kind, gives her a cup of water after she abandons the tub in the toilet. The couple appear to make up, but then start arguing over blame. At the very end, just before the quote comes up, we see them as children again.
It's very powerful stuff, and even though it depresses me every time I hear it, I love it and often can't stop listening to it.
I need to get out of this mindset. I need to stop revelling in unhappiness and fucked up situations. But how? If anyone has an answer that avoids self help and cliched bullshit, please clue me in. I can't let myself go on like this, I really can't.