Looking for An Answer (Chapter 9 - Final)
Title: Looking for An Answer
Pairing: Yama, but mostly its Gen
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: Pg-13
Summary: He was gone. For ever.
Warning: Character Death. And also a very heavy and dark theme, I guess
Disclaimer: Nope, I only own the plot
A/N: Yuup it's finally over! XD I never intended for it to be this long anyway so it kinda surprised me that I reached this far... (10 chapterish are a lot for me okay? Okay.) Now that this is over I'll finally able to focus fully on my Juntoshi series! I'm happy to see that people seemed to be really interested with it - I'm raring to go! XD Sorry if I take so long on writing despite the holiday tho - I found a lot of new things to do this holiday so I kinda got no time to write expect at night XD But well here it is! Thanks a lot for everyone that has been reading this series despite the character death! You guys are the best! See you in the next series! <3
A Year Later
Sho survived a year without Ohno.
Looking back, it was a pretty damn good achievement, and Sho felt like patting himself on the back for being able to do this. It was the darkest moment in his life - losing Ohno was something that he never imagined, something that he never knew he’d have to live with. If he looked back now, it was all dark - the first month of losing Ohno was all black and dense, and he wondered how he managed to crawl out of that black hole.
But he was here now. A year after Ohno passed away, Sho was still alive, breathing, and most importantly, sane. A year after Ohno passed away, Sho was able to finally detach himself from the weight that used to pin him down, the weight on his chest that was excruciatingly painful and unbearable. He did all of this little by little, of course. He started seeing a way out from Ohno’s journal - that leather covered journal was, in a way, a life savior for him. A few days after he received that journal, Sho couldn’t stop crying; he cried at the most inappropriate times, like when they had a meeting or when they talked to Johhny-san. He became a crybaby, and Nino wouldn’t stop complaining about it whenever Sho started crying, but in the end Nino’d hug him and tell him to cry some more if he wanted, and he gladly take Nino’s offer - he bawled very often.
How could he not when he had Ohno’s journal on his hands?
It was amazing - everything was. Sho still couldn’t believe that Ohno somehow knew that his time has come, and right after he thought about it, Sho was disturbed with the thought of Ohno knowing that he was going to pass away. Was he scared? Or did he accept it instead? How did he felt when he was there, on top of the boat in the middle of the storm, thinking that maybe, his end has come?
What was his last thought was before he passed away? Did he think about Sho?
Those questions haunted him a lot, but after some time passed he realized that it didn’t matter anymore. Those questions were never meant to be answered anyway, so Sho stopped looking. Instead, he focused himself on his answered questions.
He focused on Ohno’s feelings towards him.
There were nights where Sho stayed awake to read Ohno’s journal; he read every page carefully, drown in the simple and straight-forwardness of Ohno’s words. Every time he read his entries, Sho could feel his eyes watered; as simple as it was, Ohno’s words felt so beautiful for him. Ohno noticed a lot of details that Sho failed to ever notice; Ohno wrote about things that seemingly unimportant, but as Sho read it, he knew that it meant a lot. Sentences like ‘Sho-chan got a haircut today’ or ‘Sho-chan snored in the car AGAIN’ or ‘Sho-chan bought me food from Okinawa!’; those probably meant nothing for other people, but it meant everything to Sho. Those daily, simple, unbothered entries were the things that Sho loved reading a lot. Every time he read his own name written on the smooth pages, he felt his heart skipped a beat. Every time he read what Ohno wrote about him, his chest was filled with unexplainable warmth. Every time he read ‘I love Sho-chan’, he cried.
Because he loved him too; so much to the point that he couldn’t contain it anymore. He loved him so much to the point that Sho couldn’t stop saying it while crying; an endless chant of ‘I love you’ filled his room every night as he cried his eyes out to the pillow, wishing desperately for it to reach Ohno because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair that Sho knew how much Ohno loved him, yet Ohno passed away without ever knowing that Sho loved Ohno more than life itself. He wanted Ohno to know - no, he needed Ohno to know.
Aiba told him this though, after he stared worriedly at Sho’s swollen eyes, “He knew, Sho-chan.” Aiba said as he touched his arms gently. “Maybe you never noticed this, but your love for Oh-chan was really showing; the way you touched him, the way you looked at him. Those gestures were really lovely and heartwarming, and I’m pretty sure that even though you never said it out loud, Oh-chan knew how deep your love for him is.”
Sho cried again that evening, but at least he managed to stop himself from crying in the middle of the meeting, and at night too, he didn’t cried as much.
Once he was able to control his tears - though that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling like shit all day - he started going back to work. He started showing up again for Zero, and of course, he started working again as a member of Arashi. It went without saying that they’d all continue - that day after they cried together, they got hungry and ordered ramen, and when their order came, Sho paid for it all. The others looked at him expectantly, and then Jun asked him, “Will you also pay for it from now on?”
Sho knew what he meant by that, and Sho couldn’t answer by anything but “Yes.”
So they continued. It was hard to make a comeback though; after losing Ohno, everyone has been very skeptical whether Arashi would be as good as it was when Ohno was still around. Sho knew the answer already; it wouldn’t. Arashi wouldn’t be the same anymore, and he was one hundred percent sure that it wouldn’t be as good, but he got no choice but to push forward with what they have. He couldn’t let go of Arashi; it was too dear to him, and to be honest, Sho needed it to continue living on. He needed the safe feeling he got whenever he was with Arashi; the feeling that he still belong, that he was right at where he was supposed to be - home.
So he struggled. They announced that they’d be back with four members, and after that they were pushed to release their album, the last album in which Ohno’s voice was still there, for thankfully he had recorded some of them firsthand. They continued with the preparation of the concert too, but they have to change a lot of things; the choreography, the songs, everything. The following months were filled with 2-3 hours of sleeping a day if one was lucky, and Sho thought he was going crazy - well, Jun has indeed going crazy, because once the man broke into a laughter so suddenly in the green room without apparent reason that it scared the hell out of them. When asked, Jun, with a maniacal grin on his face and a desperate plea on his eyes, said, “I don’t know if we’re going to finish this in time.”
But they managed. Somehow, with the helps from staffs and agency peoples and also their seniors and juniors, they made it. It was rough, it was tough, and they were scared shitless in fear they would failed, but the concert went well, and the audience was as loud as ever, and whenever their concert ended with their words of gratitude for Ohno, they’d cry along with them.
At that time, standing on the stage while holding hands with his friends and knowing that they all cried for the same person, Sho felt grateful. He was grateful that Ohno was loved, so much, and he was able to witness how his beloved was cherished by so many people; how his beloved’s smile was able to touch so many hearts that they all cried when he passed away.
“I love him so much.” He once said on the stage, overwhelmed by the tears that were there on their fans faces. “I love him so much.”
They probably took it as a love for friends, and that was okay too. They didn’t need to know that Sho was helplessly and irreversibly in love with Ohno, and that he couldn’t possibly love anyone else but him because he refused to do so, because there was nothing that scared him more than loving someone else and forgetting how it felt like to love Ohno.
But he fell in love with someone else. Hard.
He fell in love with the baby that he carried on his arms right now; a baby boy called Satoshi.
Sho remembered how he got him; he adopted him not long after the concert was over. Even though it was already decided that they’d continue as Arashi, they all decided to take it easy and spend more time to do the things that they always wanted to do. Sho couldn’t say no to it, but he was a bit panicking when he thought that he wouldn’t be as busy as before - works helped him a lot to forget about his sadness, so when he was told he wouldn’t be that busy, he feared that he’d be down again, and that was something that he really wasn’t looking forward to.
But then one night he stumbled on it; on a page where Ohno wrote about how he wanted to have a baby.
And, as crazy as it might sounded, Sho thought, ‘Why not?’
So the next day, he called his friends and he told them about his plan to adopt a baby. He thought they’d be against it, but they weren’t - if anything, they all came to meet him, and they went to an orphanage together, and that was where Sho met Satoshi. Satoshi was the first baby he saw on the orphanage; at that time, Satoshi was only three months old, all bundled up with a blue blanket and was struggling to keep his eyes opened. He blinked sleepily at Sho, but he wouldn’t look anywhere else. The baby stared at him for a long while, blinking at Sho innocently, and Sho fell in love.
Sho decided then that he wanted him; he wanted to be his father.
Surprisingly, his friends also decided that they wanted to be Satoshi’s uncles.
In no longer than a week, they managed to bring Satoshi home, the four of them. Jun was grudgingly driving for them while the three of them were sitting in the back with Satoshi on Sho’s arms, and Aiba wouldn’t stop cooing after him, poking, touching, while Nino seemed nonchalant, though Sho could see the smile ghosting on his lips and the sparkling eyes as Satoshi tiny hands curled around Nino’s finger.
They invested lots of money for Satoshi’s clothes and necessities and foods, to the point that Sho didn’t really spend that much.
The rumor came and went; they all laughed their heads off when the rumor spread because the media accused Sho of having an affair with some women from red district and Satoshi was the result of it. “If only the media knew that you’re gay!” Nino roared in laughter. “Or should I tell them?”
“No.” Sho said calmly. “I’ll tell them.”
And he did, and well… Long story short, Sho was disowned by his father, not that he minded much. He got his own son now, and if he had to cut ties with his father in order to keep Satoshi, in order to be happy, he’d do it.
And besides, after months, his father sent him a stuffed doll meant for Satoshi, and he knew that they’d be okay again someday. He just has to be patient.
Satoshi suddenly stirred, and soon a small whimper could be heard. Sho immediately started patting the baby’s chest gently, but then he pulled away to turn the volume of the TV that he was watching down so he wouldn’t be disturbed. It was useless though; the baby was opening his eyes now, a pair of brown eyes blinking up at Sho before he whimpered yet again.
“Hey, dear.” Sho whispered gently. “How was your sleep?
Satoshi let out another tiny whimper as his way to answer him, and this time, Sho felt around his bottom to make sure that he hasn’t peed. He didn’t, so Sho stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen. He skillfully heated the prepared milk in the fridge with a bottle warmer with one hand while the other was still cradling Satoshi who has grown impatient and now started trying to steal Sho’s lips away. “Wait a minute, dear.” Sho mumbled against Satoshi’s tiny fingers. “Just a few minutes, okay? Be patient.”
Satoshi made a half-sob sound, but he wasn’t really crying; this was what amazed Sho the most - the kid rarely cried. Well, he cried sometimes when he dirtied himself, but even when he did it was only for a moment, and it wasn’t as earth-shattering as other babies would do sometimes. He also didn’t bother Sho’s sleeping schedule much; he slept when Sho slept and awake when Sho was awake. But, like Ohno, he was also one impatient baby. When he was hungry, he’d never stop bothering Sho until he got what he wanted, and when it took a while, the baby would frowned at Sho, like he disappointed him.
Satoshi had this look on his face now, and Sho grimaced.
“You really look like him, you know.” Sho said softly against the baby’s forehead, lips moving against the crease between his thin eyebrows. “You really look like Satoshi-kun.”
Satoshi made a soft noise, and although he didn’t understand it, Sho smiled anyway.
“He’s your dad.” Sho mumbled. “Well, biologically he’s not. We’re both not, but let’s just pretend that we’re both your dad.” He pulled away and grinned at the baby. “What do you think?”
Satoshi hit his lips as an answer, and Sho laughed as he looked away even though his lips stung a bit. “Okay, okay. Here’s your milk.” He took the bottle, making sure that it wasn’t too hot, before then he finally brought it to Satoshi’s lips. The baby sucked on it energetically, his hands reaching out in an attempt to hold the bottle; Sho chuckled at that, but he still supported it anyway as he walked to their bedroom. Instead of laying him down in his crib, Sho lied together with him on his bed. He watched as the baby drunk the milk greedily for a few minutes, but then he was slowly getting tired and the sucking was getting slower as his eyes started dropping close again. Sho waited for a while until Satoshi stopped drinking before trying to take the half-empty bottle away, but when he did, Satoshi suddenly started sucking again, unwilling for the bottle to be taken away. This, too, only lasted for a while, before Satoshi finally stopped again as his head lulled to the side. Sho took the bottle away gently from Satoshi’s pouty lips, and he used his sleeves to wipe the baby’s mouth. Once done, he moved slowly towards the end of the bed, and he placed the bottle on the nightstand.
His eyes fell to Ohno’s journal, and for a moment, he only stared at it, enjoying the serene and peaceful feeling he got from it.
Then finally, he decided to do something.
He took the journal from the nightstand and then he walked to his desk; he took a seat and he immediately looked around for his pen. Once he got it, he opened the journal and turned to the last page, staring at Ohno’s last words that he has been reading over and over again.
I’m going.
Sho took a deep breath, and then he wrote in the remaining space.
If you’re still here, you’d probably be angry at me for writing on your journal.
If you’re still here, I’d probably never get to see what you wrote. You’d never let me, and I’d understand; some things you wrote were downright embarrassing after all.
If you’re still here, you’d probably run away with your journal close to your heart, yelling and laughing as you tried to get away from me, knowing that I’d never try to steal it from you for real, and yet you’d play along, because you’re that kind.
But you’re not here anymore. No one is going to stop me from writing, and as sad as it is, I think I understand. Because you’re going. No, because you went.
And to be honest, I can’t accept it at first. I can’t accept the way you left me; it was so sudden, and what’s more, something was going to happen between us. I’ve been waiting for a very long time, and to learn that you’ll never come back anymore - that day, I learned what pain truly feels like. I have so many regrets, so many that it’d be uncountable. I was desperate; we all were. I lost a best friend, a leader, and mostly, I lost someone that I love. At that time, everything was dark. I was convinced that I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t live without you.
But here I am. A year after you passed away, and I’m still here. If you asked why, it’s because of Arashi. I’m still here thanks to Nino, Aiba-chan, and Jun-kun. I’m still here thanks to all the people that knew and loved you. I’m still her because of…Satoshi.
Satoshi is our son. Not biologically, of course, but at the very least, I’d love to think of him as our son. I adopted him (and I’ve proven to Nino that you don’t have to have a wife to get a baby - for once, you are smarter than him), and then I decided that I should name him Satoshi. At first, I was doing this for you. You said before that you wanted a baby; you said to me before that you wanted a baby so there’d be a proof that you once lived - so that baby would carry a fragment of yourself into the future.
But that was stupid. Even without the baby, you’ve left enough proof that you once lived. People will never forget about you; I won’t forget about you. Even without the baby, a fragment of you would always be carried into the future by others - by the people you helped, by the people that loved you, by the people that you loved, by me.
It took me a while to finally realize that I adopted Satoshi to help myself. After losing you, I thought I wouldn’t be able to love anyone else; after losing you, I thought I’ve changed, and I would never be able to be the same, old Sakurai Sho. Adopting Satoshi changed everything. It is through him that I’m able to find my smile again. It is through him that I’m able to push forward, to look forward to every new day because I’m eager to see him growing. With every smile that Satoshi gives me, I feel like I’m being healed, little by little. With every tear that Satoshi sheds, I feel like he was doing it so I don’t have to cry anymore. With every touch of Satoshi’s tiny hands, I feel like I’m being saved.
Satoshi-kun, I’m in love with him.
That’s why, I’m staying. For now, I’ll stay and raise him up as much as I could. I won’t meet you until I become a good father like you said - though we won’t know if fate says otherwise. But I’m staying for now, Satoshi-kun, and I hope you don’t mind. For now, let me stay and love Satoshi. Let me watch him grow into an adult, and then I’ll tell him about you, about the great man he inherited his name from, about the man that I love almost as equally as I love him, so he’d carry a fragment of yourself into the future. Maybe I’d even write a book about you so he’d understand better, since sometimes talking directly wouldn’t have given the same depth as things that were written.
And when the time comes, I’ll come after you.
When the time comes, I’ll finally say the words that were supposed to be spoken that night.
‘I love you’.
Ah, he was crying again. Sho could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks as he slowly closed the journal and put it inside his drawer. He made no move to wipe his tears; he let himself cried as much as he wanted, because these tears were proof that he loved Ohno. He wouldn’t wipe it away; he wouldn’t be ashamed of it.
In the bed, Satoshi started whimpering again, and Sho moved to lie down beside him. The small baby stated snuggling against Sho, and lovingly, Sho leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.
It was a very clear evening; the soft, golden ray of evening sun was peeking from behind the window. He should’ve started preparing dinner. He shouldn’t let Satoshi sleep now, because then he would wake up until late at night.
But Sho didn’t mind. He held Satoshi close to him, and he inhaled the sweet scent of the baby powder coming from him.
He was sweet and warm.
Sho smiled as he closed his eyes. Something heavy has been lifted from him, and he took a deep breath.
He's still alive.
Chapter 8
Pairing: Yama, but mostly its Gen
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: Pg-13
Summary: He was gone. For ever.
Warning: Character Death. And also a very heavy and dark theme, I guess
Disclaimer: Nope, I only own the plot
A/N: Yuup it's finally over! XD I never intended for it to be this long anyway so it kinda surprised me that I reached this far... (10 chapterish are a lot for me okay? Okay.) Now that this is over I'll finally able to focus fully on my Juntoshi series! I'm happy to see that people seemed to be really interested with it - I'm raring to go! XD Sorry if I take so long on writing despite the holiday tho - I found a lot of new things to do this holiday so I kinda got no time to write expect at night XD But well here it is! Thanks a lot for everyone that has been reading this series despite the character death! You guys are the best! See you in the next series! <3
A Year Later
Sho survived a year without Ohno.
Looking back, it was a pretty damn good achievement, and Sho felt like patting himself on the back for being able to do this. It was the darkest moment in his life - losing Ohno was something that he never imagined, something that he never knew he’d have to live with. If he looked back now, it was all dark - the first month of losing Ohno was all black and dense, and he wondered how he managed to crawl out of that black hole.
But he was here now. A year after Ohno passed away, Sho was still alive, breathing, and most importantly, sane. A year after Ohno passed away, Sho was able to finally detach himself from the weight that used to pin him down, the weight on his chest that was excruciatingly painful and unbearable. He did all of this little by little, of course. He started seeing a way out from Ohno’s journal - that leather covered journal was, in a way, a life savior for him. A few days after he received that journal, Sho couldn’t stop crying; he cried at the most inappropriate times, like when they had a meeting or when they talked to Johhny-san. He became a crybaby, and Nino wouldn’t stop complaining about it whenever Sho started crying, but in the end Nino’d hug him and tell him to cry some more if he wanted, and he gladly take Nino’s offer - he bawled very often.
How could he not when he had Ohno’s journal on his hands?
It was amazing - everything was. Sho still couldn’t believe that Ohno somehow knew that his time has come, and right after he thought about it, Sho was disturbed with the thought of Ohno knowing that he was going to pass away. Was he scared? Or did he accept it instead? How did he felt when he was there, on top of the boat in the middle of the storm, thinking that maybe, his end has come?
What was his last thought was before he passed away? Did he think about Sho?
Those questions haunted him a lot, but after some time passed he realized that it didn’t matter anymore. Those questions were never meant to be answered anyway, so Sho stopped looking. Instead, he focused himself on his answered questions.
He focused on Ohno’s feelings towards him.
There were nights where Sho stayed awake to read Ohno’s journal; he read every page carefully, drown in the simple and straight-forwardness of Ohno’s words. Every time he read his entries, Sho could feel his eyes watered; as simple as it was, Ohno’s words felt so beautiful for him. Ohno noticed a lot of details that Sho failed to ever notice; Ohno wrote about things that seemingly unimportant, but as Sho read it, he knew that it meant a lot. Sentences like ‘Sho-chan got a haircut today’ or ‘Sho-chan snored in the car AGAIN’ or ‘Sho-chan bought me food from Okinawa!’; those probably meant nothing for other people, but it meant everything to Sho. Those daily, simple, unbothered entries were the things that Sho loved reading a lot. Every time he read his own name written on the smooth pages, he felt his heart skipped a beat. Every time he read what Ohno wrote about him, his chest was filled with unexplainable warmth. Every time he read ‘I love Sho-chan’, he cried.
Because he loved him too; so much to the point that he couldn’t contain it anymore. He loved him so much to the point that Sho couldn’t stop saying it while crying; an endless chant of ‘I love you’ filled his room every night as he cried his eyes out to the pillow, wishing desperately for it to reach Ohno because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair that Sho knew how much Ohno loved him, yet Ohno passed away without ever knowing that Sho loved Ohno more than life itself. He wanted Ohno to know - no, he needed Ohno to know.
Aiba told him this though, after he stared worriedly at Sho’s swollen eyes, “He knew, Sho-chan.” Aiba said as he touched his arms gently. “Maybe you never noticed this, but your love for Oh-chan was really showing; the way you touched him, the way you looked at him. Those gestures were really lovely and heartwarming, and I’m pretty sure that even though you never said it out loud, Oh-chan knew how deep your love for him is.”
Sho cried again that evening, but at least he managed to stop himself from crying in the middle of the meeting, and at night too, he didn’t cried as much.
Once he was able to control his tears - though that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling like shit all day - he started going back to work. He started showing up again for Zero, and of course, he started working again as a member of Arashi. It went without saying that they’d all continue - that day after they cried together, they got hungry and ordered ramen, and when their order came, Sho paid for it all. The others looked at him expectantly, and then Jun asked him, “Will you also pay for it from now on?”
Sho knew what he meant by that, and Sho couldn’t answer by anything but “Yes.”
So they continued. It was hard to make a comeback though; after losing Ohno, everyone has been very skeptical whether Arashi would be as good as it was when Ohno was still around. Sho knew the answer already; it wouldn’t. Arashi wouldn’t be the same anymore, and he was one hundred percent sure that it wouldn’t be as good, but he got no choice but to push forward with what they have. He couldn’t let go of Arashi; it was too dear to him, and to be honest, Sho needed it to continue living on. He needed the safe feeling he got whenever he was with Arashi; the feeling that he still belong, that he was right at where he was supposed to be - home.
So he struggled. They announced that they’d be back with four members, and after that they were pushed to release their album, the last album in which Ohno’s voice was still there, for thankfully he had recorded some of them firsthand. They continued with the preparation of the concert too, but they have to change a lot of things; the choreography, the songs, everything. The following months were filled with 2-3 hours of sleeping a day if one was lucky, and Sho thought he was going crazy - well, Jun has indeed going crazy, because once the man broke into a laughter so suddenly in the green room without apparent reason that it scared the hell out of them. When asked, Jun, with a maniacal grin on his face and a desperate plea on his eyes, said, “I don’t know if we’re going to finish this in time.”
But they managed. Somehow, with the helps from staffs and agency peoples and also their seniors and juniors, they made it. It was rough, it was tough, and they were scared shitless in fear they would failed, but the concert went well, and the audience was as loud as ever, and whenever their concert ended with their words of gratitude for Ohno, they’d cry along with them.
At that time, standing on the stage while holding hands with his friends and knowing that they all cried for the same person, Sho felt grateful. He was grateful that Ohno was loved, so much, and he was able to witness how his beloved was cherished by so many people; how his beloved’s smile was able to touch so many hearts that they all cried when he passed away.
“I love him so much.” He once said on the stage, overwhelmed by the tears that were there on their fans faces. “I love him so much.”
They probably took it as a love for friends, and that was okay too. They didn’t need to know that Sho was helplessly and irreversibly in love with Ohno, and that he couldn’t possibly love anyone else but him because he refused to do so, because there was nothing that scared him more than loving someone else and forgetting how it felt like to love Ohno.
But he fell in love with someone else. Hard.
He fell in love with the baby that he carried on his arms right now; a baby boy called Satoshi.
Sho remembered how he got him; he adopted him not long after the concert was over. Even though it was already decided that they’d continue as Arashi, they all decided to take it easy and spend more time to do the things that they always wanted to do. Sho couldn’t say no to it, but he was a bit panicking when he thought that he wouldn’t be as busy as before - works helped him a lot to forget about his sadness, so when he was told he wouldn’t be that busy, he feared that he’d be down again, and that was something that he really wasn’t looking forward to.
But then one night he stumbled on it; on a page where Ohno wrote about how he wanted to have a baby.
And, as crazy as it might sounded, Sho thought, ‘Why not?’
So the next day, he called his friends and he told them about his plan to adopt a baby. He thought they’d be against it, but they weren’t - if anything, they all came to meet him, and they went to an orphanage together, and that was where Sho met Satoshi. Satoshi was the first baby he saw on the orphanage; at that time, Satoshi was only three months old, all bundled up with a blue blanket and was struggling to keep his eyes opened. He blinked sleepily at Sho, but he wouldn’t look anywhere else. The baby stared at him for a long while, blinking at Sho innocently, and Sho fell in love.
Sho decided then that he wanted him; he wanted to be his father.
Surprisingly, his friends also decided that they wanted to be Satoshi’s uncles.
In no longer than a week, they managed to bring Satoshi home, the four of them. Jun was grudgingly driving for them while the three of them were sitting in the back with Satoshi on Sho’s arms, and Aiba wouldn’t stop cooing after him, poking, touching, while Nino seemed nonchalant, though Sho could see the smile ghosting on his lips and the sparkling eyes as Satoshi tiny hands curled around Nino’s finger.
They invested lots of money for Satoshi’s clothes and necessities and foods, to the point that Sho didn’t really spend that much.
The rumor came and went; they all laughed their heads off when the rumor spread because the media accused Sho of having an affair with some women from red district and Satoshi was the result of it. “If only the media knew that you’re gay!” Nino roared in laughter. “Or should I tell them?”
“No.” Sho said calmly. “I’ll tell them.”
And he did, and well… Long story short, Sho was disowned by his father, not that he minded much. He got his own son now, and if he had to cut ties with his father in order to keep Satoshi, in order to be happy, he’d do it.
And besides, after months, his father sent him a stuffed doll meant for Satoshi, and he knew that they’d be okay again someday. He just has to be patient.
Satoshi suddenly stirred, and soon a small whimper could be heard. Sho immediately started patting the baby’s chest gently, but then he pulled away to turn the volume of the TV that he was watching down so he wouldn’t be disturbed. It was useless though; the baby was opening his eyes now, a pair of brown eyes blinking up at Sho before he whimpered yet again.
“Hey, dear.” Sho whispered gently. “How was your sleep?
Satoshi let out another tiny whimper as his way to answer him, and this time, Sho felt around his bottom to make sure that he hasn’t peed. He didn’t, so Sho stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen. He skillfully heated the prepared milk in the fridge with a bottle warmer with one hand while the other was still cradling Satoshi who has grown impatient and now started trying to steal Sho’s lips away. “Wait a minute, dear.” Sho mumbled against Satoshi’s tiny fingers. “Just a few minutes, okay? Be patient.”
Satoshi made a half-sob sound, but he wasn’t really crying; this was what amazed Sho the most - the kid rarely cried. Well, he cried sometimes when he dirtied himself, but even when he did it was only for a moment, and it wasn’t as earth-shattering as other babies would do sometimes. He also didn’t bother Sho’s sleeping schedule much; he slept when Sho slept and awake when Sho was awake. But, like Ohno, he was also one impatient baby. When he was hungry, he’d never stop bothering Sho until he got what he wanted, and when it took a while, the baby would frowned at Sho, like he disappointed him.
Satoshi had this look on his face now, and Sho grimaced.
“You really look like him, you know.” Sho said softly against the baby’s forehead, lips moving against the crease between his thin eyebrows. “You really look like Satoshi-kun.”
Satoshi made a soft noise, and although he didn’t understand it, Sho smiled anyway.
“He’s your dad.” Sho mumbled. “Well, biologically he’s not. We’re both not, but let’s just pretend that we’re both your dad.” He pulled away and grinned at the baby. “What do you think?”
Satoshi hit his lips as an answer, and Sho laughed as he looked away even though his lips stung a bit. “Okay, okay. Here’s your milk.” He took the bottle, making sure that it wasn’t too hot, before then he finally brought it to Satoshi’s lips. The baby sucked on it energetically, his hands reaching out in an attempt to hold the bottle; Sho chuckled at that, but he still supported it anyway as he walked to their bedroom. Instead of laying him down in his crib, Sho lied together with him on his bed. He watched as the baby drunk the milk greedily for a few minutes, but then he was slowly getting tired and the sucking was getting slower as his eyes started dropping close again. Sho waited for a while until Satoshi stopped drinking before trying to take the half-empty bottle away, but when he did, Satoshi suddenly started sucking again, unwilling for the bottle to be taken away. This, too, only lasted for a while, before Satoshi finally stopped again as his head lulled to the side. Sho took the bottle away gently from Satoshi’s pouty lips, and he used his sleeves to wipe the baby’s mouth. Once done, he moved slowly towards the end of the bed, and he placed the bottle on the nightstand.
His eyes fell to Ohno’s journal, and for a moment, he only stared at it, enjoying the serene and peaceful feeling he got from it.
Then finally, he decided to do something.
He took the journal from the nightstand and then he walked to his desk; he took a seat and he immediately looked around for his pen. Once he got it, he opened the journal and turned to the last page, staring at Ohno’s last words that he has been reading over and over again.
I’m going.
Sho took a deep breath, and then he wrote in the remaining space.
If you’re still here, you’d probably be angry at me for writing on your journal.
If you’re still here, I’d probably never get to see what you wrote. You’d never let me, and I’d understand; some things you wrote were downright embarrassing after all.
If you’re still here, you’d probably run away with your journal close to your heart, yelling and laughing as you tried to get away from me, knowing that I’d never try to steal it from you for real, and yet you’d play along, because you’re that kind.
But you’re not here anymore. No one is going to stop me from writing, and as sad as it is, I think I understand. Because you’re going. No, because you went.
And to be honest, I can’t accept it at first. I can’t accept the way you left me; it was so sudden, and what’s more, something was going to happen between us. I’ve been waiting for a very long time, and to learn that you’ll never come back anymore - that day, I learned what pain truly feels like. I have so many regrets, so many that it’d be uncountable. I was desperate; we all were. I lost a best friend, a leader, and mostly, I lost someone that I love. At that time, everything was dark. I was convinced that I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t live without you.
But here I am. A year after you passed away, and I’m still here. If you asked why, it’s because of Arashi. I’m still here thanks to Nino, Aiba-chan, and Jun-kun. I’m still here thanks to all the people that knew and loved you. I’m still her because of…Satoshi.
Satoshi is our son. Not biologically, of course, but at the very least, I’d love to think of him as our son. I adopted him (and I’ve proven to Nino that you don’t have to have a wife to get a baby - for once, you are smarter than him), and then I decided that I should name him Satoshi. At first, I was doing this for you. You said before that you wanted a baby; you said to me before that you wanted a baby so there’d be a proof that you once lived - so that baby would carry a fragment of yourself into the future.
But that was stupid. Even without the baby, you’ve left enough proof that you once lived. People will never forget about you; I won’t forget about you. Even without the baby, a fragment of you would always be carried into the future by others - by the people you helped, by the people that loved you, by the people that you loved, by me.
It took me a while to finally realize that I adopted Satoshi to help myself. After losing you, I thought I wouldn’t be able to love anyone else; after losing you, I thought I’ve changed, and I would never be able to be the same, old Sakurai Sho. Adopting Satoshi changed everything. It is through him that I’m able to find my smile again. It is through him that I’m able to push forward, to look forward to every new day because I’m eager to see him growing. With every smile that Satoshi gives me, I feel like I’m being healed, little by little. With every tear that Satoshi sheds, I feel like he was doing it so I don’t have to cry anymore. With every touch of Satoshi’s tiny hands, I feel like I’m being saved.
Satoshi-kun, I’m in love with him.
That’s why, I’m staying. For now, I’ll stay and raise him up as much as I could. I won’t meet you until I become a good father like you said - though we won’t know if fate says otherwise. But I’m staying for now, Satoshi-kun, and I hope you don’t mind. For now, let me stay and love Satoshi. Let me watch him grow into an adult, and then I’ll tell him about you, about the great man he inherited his name from, about the man that I love almost as equally as I love him, so he’d carry a fragment of yourself into the future. Maybe I’d even write a book about you so he’d understand better, since sometimes talking directly wouldn’t have given the same depth as things that were written.
And when the time comes, I’ll come after you.
When the time comes, I’ll finally say the words that were supposed to be spoken that night.
‘I love you’.
Ah, he was crying again. Sho could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks as he slowly closed the journal and put it inside his drawer. He made no move to wipe his tears; he let himself cried as much as he wanted, because these tears were proof that he loved Ohno. He wouldn’t wipe it away; he wouldn’t be ashamed of it.
In the bed, Satoshi started whimpering again, and Sho moved to lie down beside him. The small baby stated snuggling against Sho, and lovingly, Sho leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.
It was a very clear evening; the soft, golden ray of evening sun was peeking from behind the window. He should’ve started preparing dinner. He shouldn’t let Satoshi sleep now, because then he would wake up until late at night.
But Sho didn’t mind. He held Satoshi close to him, and he inhaled the sweet scent of the baby powder coming from him.
He was sweet and warm.
Sho smiled as he closed his eyes. Something heavy has been lifted from him, and he took a deep breath.
He's still alive.
Chapter 8