Looking for An Answer (Chapter 8)
Title: Looking for An Answer
Pairing: Yama, but mostly its Gen
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: Pg-13
Summary: He was gone. For ever.
Warning: Character Death. And also a very heavy and dark theme, I guess
Disclaimer: Nope, I only own the plot
A/N: I FINALLY UPDATED THIS FIC. I am not, in any way, neglecting this fic. I actually writing them little by little, mulling over everything, and ended up being distracted most of the time LOL. But here it is, finally. Sho-chan is finally getting his answer, yes, so the story is going to end soon(probably 1-2 chapters left). After that, it's time to dedicate myself to Juntoshi! XD still trying to get the plot right tho XD Well, that's it for my rambling! Hope you guys will enjoy this, sorry for taking so long!
“Ninomiya-san!”
Nino held the elevator button, and he stared, wide-eyed, when someone that he didn’t really know ran after him like Nino has stolen his wallet or something (which, of course, wasn’t the case, no matter how much he loved money). He decided to walk out of the elevator as the man approached him, and he kindly wait - which meant he was holding back the sarcasm that threatened to spill from his mouth - as the man tried to catch his breath. When he was finally ready to speak, Nino asked him first, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Sakurai-san -“
The moment Sho’s name was mentioned, he perked up. “What about him?”
“He’s in the cafeteria right now -“ And Nino imagined him doing some kind of stupid stunts in the cafeteria, but what he could do there, really, aside from poisoning himself by eating too much food? “ - and he was crying.”
Nino blinked. “What?”
“It’s true.” The man said. “He was crying in the cafeteria, and we don’t know why. We also didn’t dare to go and ask, because -“
Nino didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence, and he quickly ran to the cafeteria. He couldn’t really believe what the man was saying, of course, because it has been more than a month and Sho never shed a single tear - even when they went out to eat together, which has been pretty civil, as Nino liked to call it, Sho didn’t cry (despite the fact that Aiba did, and if Ohno was still alive, he would, too).
So if Sho did cry, it must be because of something serious - it must be because of Ohno.
And Nino nearly laughed at the irony of that; of course it would be about Ohno. Their lives revolved around him after all. Even after a month from when he passed away, people wouldn’t stop talking about Ohno, making everything harder than it was. There was only one person that wouldn’t mention Ohno whenever Nino was around, and it was his mother. His mother was kind enough to hold him when he cried, and was kind enough to never bring up about Ohno anymore because she knew that he had enough of Ohno haunting his life.
But Sho didn’t have that kind of luxury.
Nino knew that Sho was ‘dying’ - he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t express his feeling. He was too shocked, too sad, too betrayed that his tears wouldn’t come up because somewhere, in the back of his mind, Sho must have still been refusing the fact that Ohno was gone, that the love of his life was taken so brutally from his life before they could even get together.
And in a way, Nino blamed Ohno too. The way he took everything easily. The way he let God worked out everything for him. The way he never rushed.
Surprise, Oh-chan. He decided to take you away instead.
But as if to mock him, he could almost hear Ohno answering, ‘Then so be it’.
God, he was so sick of everything.
Nino rounded a corner and then finally the entrance of the cafeteria could be seen. He made his way hurriedly there, and at first he could only find a crowd, whispering to each other as they stared to something, someone. Once they saw Nino, though, the crowd opened their way, and then he could see him.
Sho.
Their Sho, hunched forward on the table, hugging himself as his body shook.
Their Sho, who refused to accept that Ohno was dead, who ran away from his hospital’s room a month ago.
Their Sho, who tried to kill himself once before.
Their Sho, who was so stubborn, who was so foolishly strong.
He was crying.
Nino approached him quietly, like he was approaching a wounded animal, and his hand reached out to touch him, but before he could, he stopped himself. “Sho-chan?” He called out.
If Sho heard him, Nino would never know, because Sho refused to bug. He stayed on his hunched position, and the sobs were wrecking his body.
“Sho-chan.” He tried again, and this time, he let his hand finally touched Sho, rubbing on his back gently as Nino kneeled in front of him. “Sho-chan?” He whispered.
Sho stirred, finally, and he slowly lifted his face up.
God, the man was a mess.
His eyes were red and puffy, cheeks wet from tears and nose running, and Nino’s first instinct was to say, ‘Look at you, you’re so ugly’.
But Sho stole the chance by saying, “Nino.”
And the way he said it was just - he sounded so heartbroken, like someone has torn his heart out from his chest and break it into pieces in front of his eyes. He sounded so weak, so vulnerable, so helplessly broken.
Nino’s eyes watered. “Sho-chan?”
Sho opened his mouth, gasped, and some new tears rolled down to his cheeks. “Satoshi-kun.” He managed to get out from his trembling lips. “Oh god, Nino.”
Nino wanted to ask why, but then he saw that Sho was clutching tightly to something, and when he stared at it, Sho’s eyes followed his line of sight, and a whimper slipped past his lips.
“He knew, Nino.”
Nino didn’t know what he meant by that, but Sho started crying again, harder now that Nino was here, like a child throwing a tantrum, and Nino immediately pulled him into a hug as his eyes got teary too. Sho immediately clutched on him, and in less than a few seconds, Nino could feel his shoulder getting wet, Sho’s tears seeping to his t-shirt.
But he couldn’t care less. He didn’t care at all. He hugged Sho, whispering ‘it’d be okay’ again and again without really knowing if it really was going to be okay. But that was the only words that he could think of, the only words that was repeated on his lips because his mind was thinking of something else -
What did Ohno know? What did he write in that damned journal of his?
Would he ever leave them alone?
It wasn’t until much later, when Jun barked to the crowd to disappear and get a life, and when Aiba, who came along with Jun, immediately scooped both Nino and Sho into a hug, that he finally realized that he was crying too. “Aiba-chan.” He gasped then as Aiba tried to shush him. “Aiba-chan, I’m -“
“Nino, it’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t, because Nino retraced all his thoughts, and he felt ashamed for even thinking that he wanted Ohno to really disappear. The man did - he had passed away, for god sake. It wasn’t him that he really wanted to disappear, but it was the pain. The sadness of having him going away. The sadness of having to see his band mates going through the pain again and again. The sadness of not being able to be happy anymore.
He just had enough.
“I know.” Aiba said, and just then he realized that he had said it out loud, despite the fact that they should be pampering Sho, who still hadn’t stop crying even when Nino had finished his words. “I know, Nino.”
And he knew that he knew. That they all knew.
And so he let himself cried some more, he let Jun patting his head, Aiba whispering words of comfort to them both, and when Sho had finally stopped crying, kind of, he looked so dead tired that Aiba have to piggy-back him to their green room. It was amazing, really, because Sho was heavy, even more when he looked like he was going to pass out. But even if he was heavy, Aiba let no one know. He carried Sho without any complaint, and all the while Sho was still holding on to Ohno’s journal like it was a treasure. Or a curse. Or maybe both.
It wasn’t until they were safe in their green room, the door locked and the schedule for their meeting arranged to much later by Jun, did Nino finally asked, “Where did you get that?”
All eyes turned to Sho, who was now lying on the couch with the journal being held close to his chest. Sho’s eyes were closed, but Nino knew that he wasn’t sleeping, yet. Sho didn’t answer them immediately, rather he took a deep breath, slowly, before then he finally turned to stare at him. “Satoshi-kun’s manager gave it to me this morning.” Sho said quietly. “Satoshi-kun has asked him to keep it before he…“
“That’s weird…” Jun mumbled, voicing out everyone’s thought. “Leader would never let anyone take a hold of his journal.”
Sho ignored him; instead he offered the journal to everyone. “Read it.” He said, no, demanded. “Read it.”
No one moved - Ohno used to defense his journals with all his life after all. “It’s private!” He’d yell again and again whenever they itched to read a page or two, wondering what would their Leader wrote. “I can’t let you see - it’s private!” He’d say, and then he’d held it close to his chest as he took off. It has always been that way, and most of the time, they did it just to tease him, they wasn’t really curious on what he wrote, because like what he said, it was his privacy.
So now, having the journal for them to read, it felt weird.
“Read it.” Sho repeated. “Come on, you’ll understand.”
When no one moved to take it, Nino finally sighed and took the journal from Sho’s hand. Sho stared up at him, almost as if thanking him, then he closed his eyes again.
Nino held the journal in his hands, and he turned to stare at Aiba and Jun - they nodded, finally, and the three of them sit together in another sofa, with Nino in the middle, and after braving himself, he opened it.
And Sho whispered,
“He knew.”
***
Sakurai Sho just kissed him.
Ohno was bubbling with energy, with happiness, and he was literally bouncing around in his apartment with this stupid grin on his face. He couldn’t believe Sho kissed him - and what was more, he couldn’t believe that it felt so good to be kissed by someone that you loved so much. Ohno wondered why did he held back for all this time - he still did just now. They kissed rather slowly, and Ohno wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss, confessions ready on the tip of his tongue -
But of course, he just had to go ahead and gently asked Sho to continue some other day. It was stupid, he knew, but his chest was already beating too fast from a single kiss like that, and he felt like he was going to die if Sho kept on kissing him - too much butterfly in one’s stomach.
So they arranged another day; they’d meet up after Ohno was done with his stupid fishing trip - yes, stupid, because it held him back from being with Sho. But well, he could hold back, he guessed. He had managed to hold back his feelings for years, so a few days more would be fairly bearable - he circled the day in his calendar too, even, just to be safe.
And a good occasion like this should definitely be written in his journal, so after cleaning up his place and brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas, Ohno flopped on his stomach on the bed with a pen and his journal ready, and he wrote.
Today, Sakurai Sho kissed me.
Usually, Ohno’d end his journal just like that - he was never one to go into details, but tonight, he felt like it. He felt like writing more and more, pouring his heart out as much as he could.
So he did.
Today, Sakurai Sho kissed me.
It was hard to describe his kiss - it was different from anyone that I had ever kissed. It was different from Nino’s, whose kisses were light and cautious, most likely because we were just experimenting and then decided that we’re better off as friends. It was different from Aiba-chan’s, whose kisses were so bubbly, happy, full of giggles and laughs, and yet there was a hint of dominance in it, but then again we were drunk, and the next day Aiba-chan never talked about it anymore, so okay. It was also different from Jun’s, whose kisses would fill every inch of your being, forcing it way under your skin, enveloping you, making you unable to think of anything else but the force that was him.
Sho-chan’s kiss was…different. When he kissed, it was like a heat was spreading through me; slowly but sure, the warmth filled me. It was…soft. Tender. And instead of blocking any thoughts but of him, he actually made me think about lots of things; about him, about a family that he always wanted, about how lovely to raise a kid with him. The world doesn’t works that way, of course, but at that moment, I didn’t care. His kiss makes me unable to think about anything but happy thoughts - it’s like I was filled with so much possibilities, like I could do anything. But at the same time, it left me vulnerable. I knew that I could trust my life to him.
And maybe, this was what love was all about. The moment he kissed you, you would know that he was the one. It was so easy. So simple. It was like trying out the sneakers at the store, and you’d know that it was the one, because it fitted, and it was comfortable, and it accepted you. It wasn’t about want anymore. It was about needs.
And as cheesy as it was, I imagined waking up beside him every single morning possible, with a baby, a boy, snuggled in the middle of us, and what a happy thought it was.
I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know how much I love him, and how all these years I’ve been letting fate taking care of it, only to lead me back to him. And now I’m not going to hold back anymore.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
Ohno fell asleep right after he wrote it, and the next morning, he grinned shyly as he reread his entry - he wanted to fix it, somehow, but then decided against it because he simply got no time for it, his manager has called him, and he needed to go. So he just stuffed his journal into his bag - something that was so out of habit, since he rarely bring it with him - and he hurried off to the bathroom.
And the journal remained untouched until much much later, when he was back in the hotel after a round of drink with the staffs before he have to leave again for his fishing trip. He knew that he shouldn’t really drink with them - he has a filming in less than 5 hours, and rather than being sleepy thanks to the alcohol, he was wide awake. He felt his adrenaline rushing, and so, unable to sleep, he decided to leave a hotel and take a walk. He could picture his manager getting angry at his careless act, but at this very moment, he didn’t care. He felt weirdly awake. He felt like he was so much aware with his surroundings, with the world. He felt like he might do the unthinkable, and he did - he pulled out his phone, not caring that it was late at night, and he already pulled out his phone, ready to call Sho.
But for what?
Ohno didn’t even know what he wanted, but he was just feeling… restless. Like something was coming after him, and he couldn’t figure out what. Somehow, suddenly, he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be this close to the sea, walking around by himself at night, feeling nervous and afraid and just wanting to escape. There was no valid reason as for why he was feeling this way, but he did - all of sudden, he was thinking back to his friends, to his family, and he felt like going crazy. Why all these thoughts? Why so sudden?
Out of frustration, he typed a massage to Sho.
Satoshi-kun: Sho-chan, sorry for the late reply; had a drink with the staffs. Well, you’re probably sleeping now.
Satoshi-kun: Take me there when I go back, okay Sho-chan?
Satoshi-kun: Take me there.
He didn’t know where did he meant by ‘take me there’, but at this very moment, it could be anywhere, really - it could be the seafood restaurant that Sho has been talking about, or somewhere else too…anywhere.
Ohno stared at the phone for a moment longer, knowing that he could erase the distance between him and Sho with just one click of button, but he decided against it. Instead, he stuffed his phone back into his pocket, and clumsily walked back to the hotel, all the while feeling extremely detached to the world; like he was there, alive, breathing, but he wasn’t completely there either, fading, driven by the wind.
It scared him.
Ohno managed to get back into his hotel room stealthily without being found out by his manager, and then he immediately rummaged through his bag to get his journal out. He sat on the desk with the journal opened, and even though he was itching to write something, instead he opened it from the start and re-read some of them.
Today I had a fight with Nino.
It was over something silly; we both are just really stubborn. We had a fight, and Nino stormed out of the room, and Aiba was scared to death, even more when I refused to apologize.
But then Nino was back, and he bought me melon bread.
He never apologized, and so did I, but I ate the bread and Nino was back sleeping on my lap again.
We just don’t need it: words. They’re useless. Me and Nino got some telepathic shit going on after all.
So I know that he’s sorry, and that I am too.
Cool, isn’t it, to have a best friend like Nino?
Today Aiba-chan confided in me.
He said he’s worried about him not being helpful in Arashi. He said that ‘I’m not talented as Leader, not much of a good actor like Nino, not as handsome as Jun, and not as smart as Sho-chan either.’
I told him that he’s stupid, and Aiba-chan cried even harder.
But he is stupid. I mean, how can he even think of comparing himself to us? Aiba-chan is different. He might never know this, but Aiba-chan shines brighter than us. Aiba-chan is kind, therefore he’s stronger than everyone else.
I like his smile best.
I like Aiba-chan.
Aiba-chan doesn’t have to be anyone else.
Aiba-chan just has to be Aiba-chan.
Today Jun kissed me.
It wasn’t unexpected. I knew, somehow, and a part of me wanted to try it out. A part of me wanted to be kissed by him. So I let him, and my, the kiss was wonderful. I knew then that I was lucky to be loved by someone like him. Jun is a passionate person by nature. He’s passionate in all he does, in works, in relationship…he’s even passionate in being cool, that guy. It’s a blessing to have someone as perfect as Jun to love me, but.
But it’s not him.
When he kissed me, I didn’t feel like my insides melted into a puddle of goo.
When he kissed me, I didn’t feel my heart beating faster.
When he kissed me, I was grateful, but this wasn’t what I’m looking for.
But I don’t feel sorry. I don’t feel sorry for not being able to return his feelings. I am returning his feelings; perhaps not quite the way he wanted me to be, but I love him too, and I need him to know that.
I love Jun-kun too, just not the way he wanted me to.
Today Sho-chan smiled at me.
It’s just the usual, silly smile. The usual “I know you’re staring at me, and I’m going to let you know that I know” smile.
But that smile makes me sure.
I couldn’t possibly love anyone else but him.
Maybe it was a mistake to read all of this, Ohno thought. But he read them anyway, and now there were silent tears streaming down his face, to the point that his vision got all blurry, and some of them dropped to the notes, ruining the ink. Ohno did nothing to stop it though, he merely stared at his own writing; a small part of him was ashamed with it, but a bigger part of him was grateful.
A bigger part of him, as confusing as it was, decided that this journal was more than enough.
So he set it aside. He set it on the nightstand, and then he closed his eyes for a few hours until his manager gently wake him up for the filming. Ohno got up - with a barely noticeable hungover - brushed his teeth, combed his hair, changed his clothes, and then he packed all his belongings and putting them in the car with the help of his manager.
And in the car, he thought of something.
He hurriedly rummaged through his bag, pulling out his journal and a pen, and then he skipped to the last page of his journal. His pen hovered across the smooth paper for a moment; it’d be stupid to write it here, he thought. It’d be stupid because he got so many pages left, and yet he was skipping them all into the last page, like he wouldn’t write on them anymore.
The words that he wanted to write were even weirder.
But he did. He did it anyway; he wrote letter after letter slowly, felling sadder and sadder with every letter, and then once he was done, he closed the journal and held it close to his chest.
It almost feels like I’m going to…
He shook his head, slowly, and then he turned to his manager. “Will you do me a favor?”
His sleepy manager jerked awake; he straightened his body, and he nodded at Ohno clumsily. “Anything you want.”
Ohno smiled. “Keep this for me, okay?” He said as he handed him his journal. Ohno’s manager eyes widened, and he looked up at him questioningly.
“But you never -“
“Just keep it.” Ohno insisted. “I don’t want it to get wet.”
“We can leave it here, in the car -“
“People can read it.”
“But Ohno-san -“
“Please.” Ohno pleaded. “You said you’d do anything for me, so keep it.”
His manager didn’t look convinced, but he nodded anyway. Ohno watched him putting it on his bag so carefully, and once he was sure that his journal was safe in his manager’s hand, Ohno closed his eyes again, staying still as the car brought him to the sea.
Where he finally found out why he wrote that kind of thing.
The wind blew strongly, and even though Ohno wasn’t an expert, he could tell that, perhaps, a storm was coming their way. The cloud was heavy, and it was pitch black as they set sail. Ohno couldn’t concentrate at all - he tried to joke around and smile to the camera like the usual, but once in a while his glance would meet the captain’s worried expression, and he got even more restless.
“Something is wrong.” He said to the producer then when they took a quick 5 minute breaks. “Don’t you think we should come back? The wind is too strong.”
“Let’s just stay for another hour, okay?” The producer said gently, but Ohno could tell that he was trying to dismiss him. “It’d also be good if you could liven up the situation, Ohno-san; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get the fish, at the very least, makes it entertaining.”
Ohno nodded; it was his job after all, so he did as he told. He tried to keep his concentration on the fishing rod, trying to appear excited for the filming, but he couldn’t. He struggled to keep his calm demeanor, for with every second that passed, his heart was beating faster, and his mind kept on chanting, Get away from here get away from here get away get away get away!
The first drop of rain fell, and then the captain told them that they couldn’t stay any longer, and they started packing and heading back to the shore.
But even then, as Ohno looked up into the sky and the lightning and the heavy clouds and the water pouring from it, he knew it was too late.
His manager told him to take cover; the waves were crashing against the boat and it made the boat swayed dangerously. “Come on, Ohno-san! Come here!” His manager yelled on top of the commotion, and he tugged on Ohno, hard, to bring him to the room under the dock. Ohno followed him, but he couldn’t stop looking around; the captain was yelling orders, the staffs trying to help, and he was going to take shelter? Ohno didn’t like the idea one bit, but his manager kept on tugging him, determined to keep him safe, so Ohno could only follow him. His manager got into the stairs first, and he started to climb down, but that was when Ohno turned around to the mess behind him, and he saw one of their staff’s legs were getting caught with the rope, and no one else noticed or tried to help her.
He should’ve stayed. He should’ve turned away.
But instead, he dashed towards her. His manager was yelling from behind him, but Ohno couldn’t make out the words - all that he could heard was the roaring thunder in the sky and the downpour, and then he kneeled beside her to untie the rope. The staff looked at him worriedly, and she tried to push him away, to push him back to where he should be, but he couldn’t. He stayed, and he patiently trying to unknot the rope. He succeeded, and then he helped her stand and pushed her to where his manager was. He had every intention to follow her, of course.
But then suddenly there was water, lots of them, crashing on him from his right. He felt his feet losing their ground; he knocked against the side of the boat, gasped, and immediately regretted it because water immediately filled his mouth. He felt himself being swept away, he felt himself falling, and then his body was solidly enveloped with water - he was drowning. His first instinct was to swim back. He thrashed around, trying to reach the surface, but the currents were too strong, and it was crashing against him, turning him up and down like a ragdoll, the water filling him and it was so unbearably painful.
He was scared. He screamed, or tried to. He tried to grab on anything, anything, but there was nothing. It was pitch black all around him, the noise threatened to makes his eardrums explode, and Ohno felt like giving up. But if anything, he only tried harder to fight against it. He couldn’t die here, he couldn’t. He needed to go back; he got another filming after this. He promised Nino to watch his Assasination Classroom Movie together next year. He promised Aiba-chan to have another drink in Ginza. He promised Jun to travel together more.
He promised a continuation for Sho.
So he couldn’t, mustn’t, die.
But a part of him knew that it was useless. He knew that there was no helping him anymore. He knew that he’d die here, in a middle of nowhere, surrounded by the darkness.
“I’ll wait for you.”
I’m sorry, Sho-chan.
“When you got home, let’s talk about the kiss.”
I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
“Satoshi-kun.”
Sho-chan, I’m sorry. I love you.
He wished. He wished he had asked him to stay that night. He wished he had kissed him again and again. He wished he had told him how much he loved him. He wished he never promised Sho anything. He couldn’t even imagined how broken Sho would be; he’d wait, but Ohno’d never come back anymore.
He wished he hadn’t done that; he wished he never asked Sho to wait.
He wished Sho’d somehow find out -
Oh.
It was weird - it was weird to smile when you were walking towards your death, but Ohno did. A small smile graced his blue lips, and then he relaxed. He let his arms fell to his side; he wasn’t fighting anymore, he let the currents took him wherever it wanted to. He wasn’t, by any means, hopeless. If anything, he was hopeful.
His journal.
He wished his manager was safe. He wished his manager would take his journal to them. He wished they’d read them. He wished they’d understand how deep Ohno’s feelings were towards each one of them. He wished they’d accepted the way things were.
He was glad he wrote those last words.
The last thing Ohno saw was not the darkness of the sea.
The last thing Ohno saw was his friends smile.
He closed his eyes, and then he went.
***
Nino put down the journal gently on the table.
His cheeks were wet from silent tears, and he didn’t have to look around to know that his friends were crying too. Slowly, Nino got up from his seat, and he approached Sho.
The man was lying on the sofa with his eyes closed, but his tears were leaking from his eyes, dropping to the sofa under him. “He knew.” Sho whispered again then.
“Yeah.” Nino croaked out hoarsely as he sat on the floor in front of Sho. “He knew, Sho-chan.”
Sho nodded. He slowly opened his eyes, turned towards Nino, and then he pushed himself up a bit to hug him. Nino hugged him back, and soon he could feel both Jun and Aiba joining in the hug.
They hugged for a long while. They cried for a long while.
Behind them, the journal was opened, and it showed what was written on the last page.
I’m going.
-Ohno Satoshi-
Chapter 7 | Chapter 9
Pairing: Yama, but mostly its Gen
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: Pg-13
Summary: He was gone. For ever.
Warning: Character Death. And also a very heavy and dark theme, I guess
Disclaimer: Nope, I only own the plot
A/N: I FINALLY UPDATED THIS FIC. I am not, in any way, neglecting this fic. I actually writing them little by little, mulling over everything, and ended up being distracted most of the time LOL. But here it is, finally. Sho-chan is finally getting his answer, yes, so the story is going to end soon(probably 1-2 chapters left). After that, it's time to dedicate myself to Juntoshi! XD still trying to get the plot right tho XD Well, that's it for my rambling! Hope you guys will enjoy this, sorry for taking so long!
“Ninomiya-san!”
Nino held the elevator button, and he stared, wide-eyed, when someone that he didn’t really know ran after him like Nino has stolen his wallet or something (which, of course, wasn’t the case, no matter how much he loved money). He decided to walk out of the elevator as the man approached him, and he kindly wait - which meant he was holding back the sarcasm that threatened to spill from his mouth - as the man tried to catch his breath. When he was finally ready to speak, Nino asked him first, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Sakurai-san -“
The moment Sho’s name was mentioned, he perked up. “What about him?”
“He’s in the cafeteria right now -“ And Nino imagined him doing some kind of stupid stunts in the cafeteria, but what he could do there, really, aside from poisoning himself by eating too much food? “ - and he was crying.”
Nino blinked. “What?”
“It’s true.” The man said. “He was crying in the cafeteria, and we don’t know why. We also didn’t dare to go and ask, because -“
Nino didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence, and he quickly ran to the cafeteria. He couldn’t really believe what the man was saying, of course, because it has been more than a month and Sho never shed a single tear - even when they went out to eat together, which has been pretty civil, as Nino liked to call it, Sho didn’t cry (despite the fact that Aiba did, and if Ohno was still alive, he would, too).
So if Sho did cry, it must be because of something serious - it must be because of Ohno.
And Nino nearly laughed at the irony of that; of course it would be about Ohno. Their lives revolved around him after all. Even after a month from when he passed away, people wouldn’t stop talking about Ohno, making everything harder than it was. There was only one person that wouldn’t mention Ohno whenever Nino was around, and it was his mother. His mother was kind enough to hold him when he cried, and was kind enough to never bring up about Ohno anymore because she knew that he had enough of Ohno haunting his life.
But Sho didn’t have that kind of luxury.
Nino knew that Sho was ‘dying’ - he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t express his feeling. He was too shocked, too sad, too betrayed that his tears wouldn’t come up because somewhere, in the back of his mind, Sho must have still been refusing the fact that Ohno was gone, that the love of his life was taken so brutally from his life before they could even get together.
And in a way, Nino blamed Ohno too. The way he took everything easily. The way he let God worked out everything for him. The way he never rushed.
Surprise, Oh-chan. He decided to take you away instead.
But as if to mock him, he could almost hear Ohno answering, ‘Then so be it’.
God, he was so sick of everything.
Nino rounded a corner and then finally the entrance of the cafeteria could be seen. He made his way hurriedly there, and at first he could only find a crowd, whispering to each other as they stared to something, someone. Once they saw Nino, though, the crowd opened their way, and then he could see him.
Sho.
Their Sho, hunched forward on the table, hugging himself as his body shook.
Their Sho, who refused to accept that Ohno was dead, who ran away from his hospital’s room a month ago.
Their Sho, who tried to kill himself once before.
Their Sho, who was so stubborn, who was so foolishly strong.
He was crying.
Nino approached him quietly, like he was approaching a wounded animal, and his hand reached out to touch him, but before he could, he stopped himself. “Sho-chan?” He called out.
If Sho heard him, Nino would never know, because Sho refused to bug. He stayed on his hunched position, and the sobs were wrecking his body.
“Sho-chan.” He tried again, and this time, he let his hand finally touched Sho, rubbing on his back gently as Nino kneeled in front of him. “Sho-chan?” He whispered.
Sho stirred, finally, and he slowly lifted his face up.
God, the man was a mess.
His eyes were red and puffy, cheeks wet from tears and nose running, and Nino’s first instinct was to say, ‘Look at you, you’re so ugly’.
But Sho stole the chance by saying, “Nino.”
And the way he said it was just - he sounded so heartbroken, like someone has torn his heart out from his chest and break it into pieces in front of his eyes. He sounded so weak, so vulnerable, so helplessly broken.
Nino’s eyes watered. “Sho-chan?”
Sho opened his mouth, gasped, and some new tears rolled down to his cheeks. “Satoshi-kun.” He managed to get out from his trembling lips. “Oh god, Nino.”
Nino wanted to ask why, but then he saw that Sho was clutching tightly to something, and when he stared at it, Sho’s eyes followed his line of sight, and a whimper slipped past his lips.
“He knew, Nino.”
Nino didn’t know what he meant by that, but Sho started crying again, harder now that Nino was here, like a child throwing a tantrum, and Nino immediately pulled him into a hug as his eyes got teary too. Sho immediately clutched on him, and in less than a few seconds, Nino could feel his shoulder getting wet, Sho’s tears seeping to his t-shirt.
But he couldn’t care less. He didn’t care at all. He hugged Sho, whispering ‘it’d be okay’ again and again without really knowing if it really was going to be okay. But that was the only words that he could think of, the only words that was repeated on his lips because his mind was thinking of something else -
What did Ohno know? What did he write in that damned journal of his?
Would he ever leave them alone?
It wasn’t until much later, when Jun barked to the crowd to disappear and get a life, and when Aiba, who came along with Jun, immediately scooped both Nino and Sho into a hug, that he finally realized that he was crying too. “Aiba-chan.” He gasped then as Aiba tried to shush him. “Aiba-chan, I’m -“
“Nino, it’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t, because Nino retraced all his thoughts, and he felt ashamed for even thinking that he wanted Ohno to really disappear. The man did - he had passed away, for god sake. It wasn’t him that he really wanted to disappear, but it was the pain. The sadness of having him going away. The sadness of having to see his band mates going through the pain again and again. The sadness of not being able to be happy anymore.
He just had enough.
“I know.” Aiba said, and just then he realized that he had said it out loud, despite the fact that they should be pampering Sho, who still hadn’t stop crying even when Nino had finished his words. “I know, Nino.”
And he knew that he knew. That they all knew.
And so he let himself cried some more, he let Jun patting his head, Aiba whispering words of comfort to them both, and when Sho had finally stopped crying, kind of, he looked so dead tired that Aiba have to piggy-back him to their green room. It was amazing, really, because Sho was heavy, even more when he looked like he was going to pass out. But even if he was heavy, Aiba let no one know. He carried Sho without any complaint, and all the while Sho was still holding on to Ohno’s journal like it was a treasure. Or a curse. Or maybe both.
It wasn’t until they were safe in their green room, the door locked and the schedule for their meeting arranged to much later by Jun, did Nino finally asked, “Where did you get that?”
All eyes turned to Sho, who was now lying on the couch with the journal being held close to his chest. Sho’s eyes were closed, but Nino knew that he wasn’t sleeping, yet. Sho didn’t answer them immediately, rather he took a deep breath, slowly, before then he finally turned to stare at him. “Satoshi-kun’s manager gave it to me this morning.” Sho said quietly. “Satoshi-kun has asked him to keep it before he…“
“That’s weird…” Jun mumbled, voicing out everyone’s thought. “Leader would never let anyone take a hold of his journal.”
Sho ignored him; instead he offered the journal to everyone. “Read it.” He said, no, demanded. “Read it.”
No one moved - Ohno used to defense his journals with all his life after all. “It’s private!” He’d yell again and again whenever they itched to read a page or two, wondering what would their Leader wrote. “I can’t let you see - it’s private!” He’d say, and then he’d held it close to his chest as he took off. It has always been that way, and most of the time, they did it just to tease him, they wasn’t really curious on what he wrote, because like what he said, it was his privacy.
So now, having the journal for them to read, it felt weird.
“Read it.” Sho repeated. “Come on, you’ll understand.”
When no one moved to take it, Nino finally sighed and took the journal from Sho’s hand. Sho stared up at him, almost as if thanking him, then he closed his eyes again.
Nino held the journal in his hands, and he turned to stare at Aiba and Jun - they nodded, finally, and the three of them sit together in another sofa, with Nino in the middle, and after braving himself, he opened it.
And Sho whispered,
“He knew.”
***
Sakurai Sho just kissed him.
Ohno was bubbling with energy, with happiness, and he was literally bouncing around in his apartment with this stupid grin on his face. He couldn’t believe Sho kissed him - and what was more, he couldn’t believe that it felt so good to be kissed by someone that you loved so much. Ohno wondered why did he held back for all this time - he still did just now. They kissed rather slowly, and Ohno wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss, confessions ready on the tip of his tongue -
But of course, he just had to go ahead and gently asked Sho to continue some other day. It was stupid, he knew, but his chest was already beating too fast from a single kiss like that, and he felt like he was going to die if Sho kept on kissing him - too much butterfly in one’s stomach.
So they arranged another day; they’d meet up after Ohno was done with his stupid fishing trip - yes, stupid, because it held him back from being with Sho. But well, he could hold back, he guessed. He had managed to hold back his feelings for years, so a few days more would be fairly bearable - he circled the day in his calendar too, even, just to be safe.
And a good occasion like this should definitely be written in his journal, so after cleaning up his place and brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas, Ohno flopped on his stomach on the bed with a pen and his journal ready, and he wrote.
Today, Sakurai Sho kissed me.
Usually, Ohno’d end his journal just like that - he was never one to go into details, but tonight, he felt like it. He felt like writing more and more, pouring his heart out as much as he could.
So he did.
Today, Sakurai Sho kissed me.
It was hard to describe his kiss - it was different from anyone that I had ever kissed. It was different from Nino’s, whose kisses were light and cautious, most likely because we were just experimenting and then decided that we’re better off as friends. It was different from Aiba-chan’s, whose kisses were so bubbly, happy, full of giggles and laughs, and yet there was a hint of dominance in it, but then again we were drunk, and the next day Aiba-chan never talked about it anymore, so okay. It was also different from Jun’s, whose kisses would fill every inch of your being, forcing it way under your skin, enveloping you, making you unable to think of anything else but the force that was him.
Sho-chan’s kiss was…different. When he kissed, it was like a heat was spreading through me; slowly but sure, the warmth filled me. It was…soft. Tender. And instead of blocking any thoughts but of him, he actually made me think about lots of things; about him, about a family that he always wanted, about how lovely to raise a kid with him. The world doesn’t works that way, of course, but at that moment, I didn’t care. His kiss makes me unable to think about anything but happy thoughts - it’s like I was filled with so much possibilities, like I could do anything. But at the same time, it left me vulnerable. I knew that I could trust my life to him.
And maybe, this was what love was all about. The moment he kissed you, you would know that he was the one. It was so easy. So simple. It was like trying out the sneakers at the store, and you’d know that it was the one, because it fitted, and it was comfortable, and it accepted you. It wasn’t about want anymore. It was about needs.
And as cheesy as it was, I imagined waking up beside him every single morning possible, with a baby, a boy, snuggled in the middle of us, and what a happy thought it was.
I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know how much I love him, and how all these years I’ve been letting fate taking care of it, only to lead me back to him. And now I’m not going to hold back anymore.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
Ohno fell asleep right after he wrote it, and the next morning, he grinned shyly as he reread his entry - he wanted to fix it, somehow, but then decided against it because he simply got no time for it, his manager has called him, and he needed to go. So he just stuffed his journal into his bag - something that was so out of habit, since he rarely bring it with him - and he hurried off to the bathroom.
And the journal remained untouched until much much later, when he was back in the hotel after a round of drink with the staffs before he have to leave again for his fishing trip. He knew that he shouldn’t really drink with them - he has a filming in less than 5 hours, and rather than being sleepy thanks to the alcohol, he was wide awake. He felt his adrenaline rushing, and so, unable to sleep, he decided to leave a hotel and take a walk. He could picture his manager getting angry at his careless act, but at this very moment, he didn’t care. He felt weirdly awake. He felt like he was so much aware with his surroundings, with the world. He felt like he might do the unthinkable, and he did - he pulled out his phone, not caring that it was late at night, and he already pulled out his phone, ready to call Sho.
But for what?
Ohno didn’t even know what he wanted, but he was just feeling… restless. Like something was coming after him, and he couldn’t figure out what. Somehow, suddenly, he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be this close to the sea, walking around by himself at night, feeling nervous and afraid and just wanting to escape. There was no valid reason as for why he was feeling this way, but he did - all of sudden, he was thinking back to his friends, to his family, and he felt like going crazy. Why all these thoughts? Why so sudden?
Out of frustration, he typed a massage to Sho.
Satoshi-kun: Sho-chan, sorry for the late reply; had a drink with the staffs. Well, you’re probably sleeping now.
Satoshi-kun: Take me there when I go back, okay Sho-chan?
Satoshi-kun: Take me there.
He didn’t know where did he meant by ‘take me there’, but at this very moment, it could be anywhere, really - it could be the seafood restaurant that Sho has been talking about, or somewhere else too…anywhere.
Ohno stared at the phone for a moment longer, knowing that he could erase the distance between him and Sho with just one click of button, but he decided against it. Instead, he stuffed his phone back into his pocket, and clumsily walked back to the hotel, all the while feeling extremely detached to the world; like he was there, alive, breathing, but he wasn’t completely there either, fading, driven by the wind.
It scared him.
Ohno managed to get back into his hotel room stealthily without being found out by his manager, and then he immediately rummaged through his bag to get his journal out. He sat on the desk with the journal opened, and even though he was itching to write something, instead he opened it from the start and re-read some of them.
Today I had a fight with Nino.
It was over something silly; we both are just really stubborn. We had a fight, and Nino stormed out of the room, and Aiba was scared to death, even more when I refused to apologize.
But then Nino was back, and he bought me melon bread.
He never apologized, and so did I, but I ate the bread and Nino was back sleeping on my lap again.
We just don’t need it: words. They’re useless. Me and Nino got some telepathic shit going on after all.
So I know that he’s sorry, and that I am too.
Cool, isn’t it, to have a best friend like Nino?
Today Aiba-chan confided in me.
He said he’s worried about him not being helpful in Arashi. He said that ‘I’m not talented as Leader, not much of a good actor like Nino, not as handsome as Jun, and not as smart as Sho-chan either.’
I told him that he’s stupid, and Aiba-chan cried even harder.
But he is stupid. I mean, how can he even think of comparing himself to us? Aiba-chan is different. He might never know this, but Aiba-chan shines brighter than us. Aiba-chan is kind, therefore he’s stronger than everyone else.
I like his smile best.
I like Aiba-chan.
Aiba-chan doesn’t have to be anyone else.
Aiba-chan just has to be Aiba-chan.
Today Jun kissed me.
It wasn’t unexpected. I knew, somehow, and a part of me wanted to try it out. A part of me wanted to be kissed by him. So I let him, and my, the kiss was wonderful. I knew then that I was lucky to be loved by someone like him. Jun is a passionate person by nature. He’s passionate in all he does, in works, in relationship…he’s even passionate in being cool, that guy. It’s a blessing to have someone as perfect as Jun to love me, but.
But it’s not him.
When he kissed me, I didn’t feel like my insides melted into a puddle of goo.
When he kissed me, I didn’t feel my heart beating faster.
When he kissed me, I was grateful, but this wasn’t what I’m looking for.
But I don’t feel sorry. I don’t feel sorry for not being able to return his feelings. I am returning his feelings; perhaps not quite the way he wanted me to be, but I love him too, and I need him to know that.
I love Jun-kun too, just not the way he wanted me to.
Today Sho-chan smiled at me.
It’s just the usual, silly smile. The usual “I know you’re staring at me, and I’m going to let you know that I know” smile.
But that smile makes me sure.
I couldn’t possibly love anyone else but him.
Maybe it was a mistake to read all of this, Ohno thought. But he read them anyway, and now there were silent tears streaming down his face, to the point that his vision got all blurry, and some of them dropped to the notes, ruining the ink. Ohno did nothing to stop it though, he merely stared at his own writing; a small part of him was ashamed with it, but a bigger part of him was grateful.
A bigger part of him, as confusing as it was, decided that this journal was more than enough.
So he set it aside. He set it on the nightstand, and then he closed his eyes for a few hours until his manager gently wake him up for the filming. Ohno got up - with a barely noticeable hungover - brushed his teeth, combed his hair, changed his clothes, and then he packed all his belongings and putting them in the car with the help of his manager.
And in the car, he thought of something.
He hurriedly rummaged through his bag, pulling out his journal and a pen, and then he skipped to the last page of his journal. His pen hovered across the smooth paper for a moment; it’d be stupid to write it here, he thought. It’d be stupid because he got so many pages left, and yet he was skipping them all into the last page, like he wouldn’t write on them anymore.
The words that he wanted to write were even weirder.
But he did. He did it anyway; he wrote letter after letter slowly, felling sadder and sadder with every letter, and then once he was done, he closed the journal and held it close to his chest.
It almost feels like I’m going to…
He shook his head, slowly, and then he turned to his manager. “Will you do me a favor?”
His sleepy manager jerked awake; he straightened his body, and he nodded at Ohno clumsily. “Anything you want.”
Ohno smiled. “Keep this for me, okay?” He said as he handed him his journal. Ohno’s manager eyes widened, and he looked up at him questioningly.
“But you never -“
“Just keep it.” Ohno insisted. “I don’t want it to get wet.”
“We can leave it here, in the car -“
“People can read it.”
“But Ohno-san -“
“Please.” Ohno pleaded. “You said you’d do anything for me, so keep it.”
His manager didn’t look convinced, but he nodded anyway. Ohno watched him putting it on his bag so carefully, and once he was sure that his journal was safe in his manager’s hand, Ohno closed his eyes again, staying still as the car brought him to the sea.
Where he finally found out why he wrote that kind of thing.
The wind blew strongly, and even though Ohno wasn’t an expert, he could tell that, perhaps, a storm was coming their way. The cloud was heavy, and it was pitch black as they set sail. Ohno couldn’t concentrate at all - he tried to joke around and smile to the camera like the usual, but once in a while his glance would meet the captain’s worried expression, and he got even more restless.
“Something is wrong.” He said to the producer then when they took a quick 5 minute breaks. “Don’t you think we should come back? The wind is too strong.”
“Let’s just stay for another hour, okay?” The producer said gently, but Ohno could tell that he was trying to dismiss him. “It’d also be good if you could liven up the situation, Ohno-san; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get the fish, at the very least, makes it entertaining.”
Ohno nodded; it was his job after all, so he did as he told. He tried to keep his concentration on the fishing rod, trying to appear excited for the filming, but he couldn’t. He struggled to keep his calm demeanor, for with every second that passed, his heart was beating faster, and his mind kept on chanting, Get away from here get away from here get away get away get away!
The first drop of rain fell, and then the captain told them that they couldn’t stay any longer, and they started packing and heading back to the shore.
But even then, as Ohno looked up into the sky and the lightning and the heavy clouds and the water pouring from it, he knew it was too late.
His manager told him to take cover; the waves were crashing against the boat and it made the boat swayed dangerously. “Come on, Ohno-san! Come here!” His manager yelled on top of the commotion, and he tugged on Ohno, hard, to bring him to the room under the dock. Ohno followed him, but he couldn’t stop looking around; the captain was yelling orders, the staffs trying to help, and he was going to take shelter? Ohno didn’t like the idea one bit, but his manager kept on tugging him, determined to keep him safe, so Ohno could only follow him. His manager got into the stairs first, and he started to climb down, but that was when Ohno turned around to the mess behind him, and he saw one of their staff’s legs were getting caught with the rope, and no one else noticed or tried to help her.
He should’ve stayed. He should’ve turned away.
But instead, he dashed towards her. His manager was yelling from behind him, but Ohno couldn’t make out the words - all that he could heard was the roaring thunder in the sky and the downpour, and then he kneeled beside her to untie the rope. The staff looked at him worriedly, and she tried to push him away, to push him back to where he should be, but he couldn’t. He stayed, and he patiently trying to unknot the rope. He succeeded, and then he helped her stand and pushed her to where his manager was. He had every intention to follow her, of course.
But then suddenly there was water, lots of them, crashing on him from his right. He felt his feet losing their ground; he knocked against the side of the boat, gasped, and immediately regretted it because water immediately filled his mouth. He felt himself being swept away, he felt himself falling, and then his body was solidly enveloped with water - he was drowning. His first instinct was to swim back. He thrashed around, trying to reach the surface, but the currents were too strong, and it was crashing against him, turning him up and down like a ragdoll, the water filling him and it was so unbearably painful.
He was scared. He screamed, or tried to. He tried to grab on anything, anything, but there was nothing. It was pitch black all around him, the noise threatened to makes his eardrums explode, and Ohno felt like giving up. But if anything, he only tried harder to fight against it. He couldn’t die here, he couldn’t. He needed to go back; he got another filming after this. He promised Nino to watch his Assasination Classroom Movie together next year. He promised Aiba-chan to have another drink in Ginza. He promised Jun to travel together more.
He promised a continuation for Sho.
So he couldn’t, mustn’t, die.
But a part of him knew that it was useless. He knew that there was no helping him anymore. He knew that he’d die here, in a middle of nowhere, surrounded by the darkness.
“I’ll wait for you.”
I’m sorry, Sho-chan.
“When you got home, let’s talk about the kiss.”
I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
“Satoshi-kun.”
Sho-chan, I’m sorry. I love you.
He wished. He wished he had asked him to stay that night. He wished he had kissed him again and again. He wished he had told him how much he loved him. He wished he never promised Sho anything. He couldn’t even imagined how broken Sho would be; he’d wait, but Ohno’d never come back anymore.
He wished he hadn’t done that; he wished he never asked Sho to wait.
He wished Sho’d somehow find out -
Oh.
It was weird - it was weird to smile when you were walking towards your death, but Ohno did. A small smile graced his blue lips, and then he relaxed. He let his arms fell to his side; he wasn’t fighting anymore, he let the currents took him wherever it wanted to. He wasn’t, by any means, hopeless. If anything, he was hopeful.
His journal.
He wished his manager was safe. He wished his manager would take his journal to them. He wished they’d read them. He wished they’d understand how deep Ohno’s feelings were towards each one of them. He wished they’d accepted the way things were.
He was glad he wrote those last words.
The last thing Ohno saw was not the darkness of the sea.
The last thing Ohno saw was his friends smile.
He closed his eyes, and then he went.
***
Nino put down the journal gently on the table.
His cheeks were wet from silent tears, and he didn’t have to look around to know that his friends were crying too. Slowly, Nino got up from his seat, and he approached Sho.
The man was lying on the sofa with his eyes closed, but his tears were leaking from his eyes, dropping to the sofa under him. “He knew.” Sho whispered again then.
“Yeah.” Nino croaked out hoarsely as he sat on the floor in front of Sho. “He knew, Sho-chan.”
Sho nodded. He slowly opened his eyes, turned towards Nino, and then he pushed himself up a bit to hug him. Nino hugged him back, and soon he could feel both Jun and Aiba joining in the hug.
They hugged for a long while. They cried for a long while.
Behind them, the journal was opened, and it showed what was written on the last page.
I’m going.
-Ohno Satoshi-
Chapter 7 | Chapter 9