(no subject)
so this will be the entry where i actually update about my life because i just went back and reread entries and i like reliving things becaues i find i forget too easily.
i had the ultimate sam meltdown tonight. maybe it was spending 400 dollars in bed bath and beyond on college dorm shit, or maybe it was finding out someone accepted an offer on our house and wanna move in by october, or MAYBE it was the fact i had absolutely nothing to do tonight-again after dinner with my mom and bobby, that really got me down. but after reading the entries i find i feel surprisingly better, not worse. i truly believe i have had a successful, productive, happy, fulfilling life up until this point and i shouldnt be depressed about ending this chapter. i should be excited about whats going to come next, because the pattern is thus far is that i always exceed my own expectations and come out on top. i beleive i can get through it. no doubt its going to be hard. but im going to keep my head up. im going to hold on to the memories and not think about the fact that its all over, but be happy that i was lucky enough to have experienced all that i have already. i cant be sad about the friendships ive lost, but cherish the ones i still have. im 18 years old, i have the world at my feet, i have an AMAZING boy waiting for me wanting to marry me one day, im going to a great college and have an amazing family that no matter where they are in the world are not going to forget about me. so i need to remember that i have PERFECTED the art of making myself feel better, and nothing or no one can tell me otherwise or bring me down.
anyway last night was adorable. me, joey, john aurelio, and brigid drove around and caught up a little. we went to this secret spot near mcclean where u can see the downtown yonkers skyline and it was so pretty. it was so nice just to be with them again. we went to danny gibneys house and saw him. funny how that was how i started my high school career, and this is one of the things im doing to end it. two nights ago me and deirdre went to mikes with greg and gabby and nicole. i really like hanging out with them too. theres no better feeling in the world than for ur big brother, who you idolized your whole life, to want you around and to hang out with his friends and to be apart of his life. i love it. i love him.
my step brother is moving to florida saturday and it makes me really sad because this year we finally got the oppurtunity to get closer. but im happy for him, it will be a good oppurtunity for him to make a better life for himself. and also a free place for me to stay at for spring break, but thats another story =] hes a good brother. i just hope he can make it to lake george, other wise i know my dad will be really upset. losing 2 kids in one month definitely is not going to be easy for him. last night at dinner to say good bye to guy dad was really obviously crying, and id idnt know whether to aknowledge it, or just let it be to save him from embaressment. it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. i hate that i dont spend time with him anymore like i used to. i work all the time. but its good for me. it keeps me busy and sane, and my work friends have become really close to me. im going to miss the convience of harmon and the money coming in every week. but i will always have money and i dont need help from anyone. ive saved enough and everything i buy and everything i have is the product of my own hard work. and not many other people can say that. im really scared tony thinks that im after his money or whatever. thats not the case at all. i would never touch it. i would never feel right spending a penny of someone elses, married or not or whatever. even if we ever do get married i want seperate bank accounts. i dont need anyone to support me. i am capable of anything. hell, i flew myself to south carolina for the weekend just because i could.
anyway yea so what else has been going on. this summer has been going by wayy too fast. i feel that its already over. college is around the corner and some MAJOR changes are about to happen and i can honestly say i have no idea where im going to be this time next year. its pretty clear my family is going to split up and that hurts me so much. but i guess everyone has to grow up some time. im going to be living in connecticut, mom and greg maybe in a condo? but i doubt greg will last long there. he might move to florida with guy, or get an apartment with his friends. mom might move in with bobby. i guess i can stay with greg wherever he is, or deirdre, or tony when he moves up here to ny in january.
i worry about brian and i do feel bad about how hes taking everything. i try to keep in contact with him just to make sure hes okay. we had a good run, no doubt. and i do miss him around. but i dont feel like it was ever true love. i hope he doesnt drift from me too. hes important and has played a big role in the last part of my hs career. i hope he knows i still care for him, i tell him but i dont think he believes me. i wouldnt either.
buttt yea deirdres the best. i couldnt ask for a better best friend. she knows me better than anyone ever has. i could spend all my time wiht her and not get bored. we are basically the same person and im going to hate not having the luxury to call her up at any time to go for a ride with me or just show up at her house and be apart of her family or to share everything with her and tell her about my day and idk im just going to miss being there and us being so easily accessibile to eachother. i know we will always stay friends. but things are going to change and i hate it. she has kept me sane this past year. she gives me confidence. she makes me better. she is everything a best freind should be. shes motivating and understanding and truly wants whats best for me and offers the best advice no matter how much it hurts and takes to heart everything i say and i hope she realizes how much it all has really meant this whole time.
umm what else. recently ive rekindled with allegra from camp hilltop. that was really nice and unexpected. shes a good person and we had some fun times. im happy we were able to update eachother on the past oh idk 6 years. shes going to be really successful.
well this is really long. but i dont really actually update anymore and i need to. let me recap this summer so far. for myself cuz im the only one who actually needs to hear this.
may- classes ended. had prom. city after party. bahamas.
june- 18th birthdayy/surpise partay. got a hookah. bought my first pack of cigarettes. graduation/dinner on the water. got drunk with deirdre and her fam in her basement after party. brians prom. hotel after party. made alot of new friends. qu orientation (hell). worked alot. went to six flags. brians graduation. beach a few times? hookah bar with brian and his brother and friends. good times. went clubbing in the city with greg.
july- tony came. watched alot of fantasy factory. went to see fireworks at the dam. went to the village for deirdres 18th didnt get into the mexican restaurant went ot the hookah bar instead. i was really drunk for no reason. went on the circleline with tony to see the macys fireworks on the 4th. he was really sick. it was fun anyway. went to the country club with dad and greg and nicole and tony. it was adorable. went to ihop. drove him to the airport. it was heart wrenching. deirdre bought me dont be sad daisies. it made it a little better. registered for classes. broke up with brian. anthony took me out for icecream. workworkwork. went on a dinner date with gabby. went to the club a few more times with dad. painted deirdres room. visited panera for the first time since i quit. saw my old friends. went to my cousin reunion. went on a roadtrip to seaside with deirdre and the brazilians. went to orchad beach for the first time. went to south carolina. met all his friends. bought cheap cigarettes. smoked inside of restaurants. went to olive garden. went to the beach. went to charleston and the pier and the shops and the museum. fell completely in love all over again. went home. again-heart wrenching. drove around with deirdre to make me feel better, again. workworkwork.
heres a list in order just for my own record. i know what im talking about. matt, pj, pat, anthony, matt ortiz, tony.
ok im going to bring this to an end. ill try to update more. it actually helped me alot. good night.
i had the ultimate sam meltdown tonight. maybe it was spending 400 dollars in bed bath and beyond on college dorm shit, or maybe it was finding out someone accepted an offer on our house and wanna move in by october, or MAYBE it was the fact i had absolutely nothing to do tonight-again after dinner with my mom and bobby, that really got me down. but after reading the entries i find i feel surprisingly better, not worse. i truly believe i have had a successful, productive, happy, fulfilling life up until this point and i shouldnt be depressed about ending this chapter. i should be excited about whats going to come next, because the pattern is thus far is that i always exceed my own expectations and come out on top. i beleive i can get through it. no doubt its going to be hard. but im going to keep my head up. im going to hold on to the memories and not think about the fact that its all over, but be happy that i was lucky enough to have experienced all that i have already. i cant be sad about the friendships ive lost, but cherish the ones i still have. im 18 years old, i have the world at my feet, i have an AMAZING boy waiting for me wanting to marry me one day, im going to a great college and have an amazing family that no matter where they are in the world are not going to forget about me. so i need to remember that i have PERFECTED the art of making myself feel better, and nothing or no one can tell me otherwise or bring me down.
anyway last night was adorable. me, joey, john aurelio, and brigid drove around and caught up a little. we went to this secret spot near mcclean where u can see the downtown yonkers skyline and it was so pretty. it was so nice just to be with them again. we went to danny gibneys house and saw him. funny how that was how i started my high school career, and this is one of the things im doing to end it. two nights ago me and deirdre went to mikes with greg and gabby and nicole. i really like hanging out with them too. theres no better feeling in the world than for ur big brother, who you idolized your whole life, to want you around and to hang out with his friends and to be apart of his life. i love it. i love him.
my step brother is moving to florida saturday and it makes me really sad because this year we finally got the oppurtunity to get closer. but im happy for him, it will be a good oppurtunity for him to make a better life for himself. and also a free place for me to stay at for spring break, but thats another story =] hes a good brother. i just hope he can make it to lake george, other wise i know my dad will be really upset. losing 2 kids in one month definitely is not going to be easy for him. last night at dinner to say good bye to guy dad was really obviously crying, and id idnt know whether to aknowledge it, or just let it be to save him from embaressment. it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. i hate that i dont spend time with him anymore like i used to. i work all the time. but its good for me. it keeps me busy and sane, and my work friends have become really close to me. im going to miss the convience of harmon and the money coming in every week. but i will always have money and i dont need help from anyone. ive saved enough and everything i buy and everything i have is the product of my own hard work. and not many other people can say that. im really scared tony thinks that im after his money or whatever. thats not the case at all. i would never touch it. i would never feel right spending a penny of someone elses, married or not or whatever. even if we ever do get married i want seperate bank accounts. i dont need anyone to support me. i am capable of anything. hell, i flew myself to south carolina for the weekend just because i could.
anyway yea so what else has been going on. this summer has been going by wayy too fast. i feel that its already over. college is around the corner and some MAJOR changes are about to happen and i can honestly say i have no idea where im going to be this time next year. its pretty clear my family is going to split up and that hurts me so much. but i guess everyone has to grow up some time. im going to be living in connecticut, mom and greg maybe in a condo? but i doubt greg will last long there. he might move to florida with guy, or get an apartment with his friends. mom might move in with bobby. i guess i can stay with greg wherever he is, or deirdre, or tony when he moves up here to ny in january.
i worry about brian and i do feel bad about how hes taking everything. i try to keep in contact with him just to make sure hes okay. we had a good run, no doubt. and i do miss him around. but i dont feel like it was ever true love. i hope he doesnt drift from me too. hes important and has played a big role in the last part of my hs career. i hope he knows i still care for him, i tell him but i dont think he believes me. i wouldnt either.
buttt yea deirdres the best. i couldnt ask for a better best friend. she knows me better than anyone ever has. i could spend all my time wiht her and not get bored. we are basically the same person and im going to hate not having the luxury to call her up at any time to go for a ride with me or just show up at her house and be apart of her family or to share everything with her and tell her about my day and idk im just going to miss being there and us being so easily accessibile to eachother. i know we will always stay friends. but things are going to change and i hate it. she has kept me sane this past year. she gives me confidence. she makes me better. she is everything a best freind should be. shes motivating and understanding and truly wants whats best for me and offers the best advice no matter how much it hurts and takes to heart everything i say and i hope she realizes how much it all has really meant this whole time.
umm what else. recently ive rekindled with allegra from camp hilltop. that was really nice and unexpected. shes a good person and we had some fun times. im happy we were able to update eachother on the past oh idk 6 years. shes going to be really successful.
well this is really long. but i dont really actually update anymore and i need to. let me recap this summer so far. for myself cuz im the only one who actually needs to hear this.
may- classes ended. had prom. city after party. bahamas.
june- 18th birthdayy/surpise partay. got a hookah. bought my first pack of cigarettes. graduation/dinner on the water. got drunk with deirdre and her fam in her basement after party. brians prom. hotel after party. made alot of new friends. qu orientation (hell). worked alot. went to six flags. brians graduation. beach a few times? hookah bar with brian and his brother and friends. good times. went clubbing in the city with greg.
july- tony came. watched alot of fantasy factory. went to see fireworks at the dam. went to the village for deirdres 18th didnt get into the mexican restaurant went ot the hookah bar instead. i was really drunk for no reason. went on the circleline with tony to see the macys fireworks on the 4th. he was really sick. it was fun anyway. went to the country club with dad and greg and nicole and tony. it was adorable. went to ihop. drove him to the airport. it was heart wrenching. deirdre bought me dont be sad daisies. it made it a little better. registered for classes. broke up with brian. anthony took me out for icecream. workworkwork. went on a dinner date with gabby. went to the club a few more times with dad. painted deirdres room. visited panera for the first time since i quit. saw my old friends. went to my cousin reunion. went on a roadtrip to seaside with deirdre and the brazilians. went to orchad beach for the first time. went to south carolina. met all his friends. bought cheap cigarettes. smoked inside of restaurants. went to olive garden. went to the beach. went to charleston and the pier and the shops and the museum. fell completely in love all over again. went home. again-heart wrenching. drove around with deirdre to make me feel better, again. workworkwork.
heres a list in order just for my own record. i know what im talking about. matt, pj, pat, anthony, matt ortiz, tony.
ok im going to bring this to an end. ill try to update more. it actually helped me alot. good night.