Navigating the world as male
So far, for me it is just social transition - I haven't
begun HRT nor had any surgeries yet - just a legal name change. Therefore I'm only going to talk about how I feel about social transition. First, let me talk about interaction with people. I'll divide people
into 3 sets : The set of people who knows me before I transition and still have contacts with me becomes smaller, and at the same time,
there is another set of people whom I meet after I transition and doesn't know my past is growing. The third group are random
strangers such as waiters or cashiers in stores. Some people in the first group who knew about my transition are
still a little reluctant (they still don't call me by my male name) but tolerant, and the rest are quite accepting and not much
slipups happen nowadays (I also seem to think that they have not been babbling about my past to newcomers who don't know). Interactions with this group remain pretty much the same (although I still think that on a subconcious level,
they are still treating me as the previous me.). With the latter group (and I'm glad that I'm passing although most think that I look really young), interactions are just male interactions. I can feel the way they talk to me, their jestures,
topics we chat about, jokes and all - just "the guys" thing. There are negative interactions too. I got into conflicts
with male strangers a couple of times and was angrily stared at.
With male-to-male interactions comes the second point - expectations from me. Expectations from me is different too : I'm expected to
be able to handle anything that typical males can handle, such as lifting heavy things, and hardware stuff. People (I mean those
who don't know my past) are less lenient and more direct in terms of verbal requests, and in general more "blunt". Other expectations also include typical male curtesy, such as anything "ladies first" (allowing women to get out of elevators
first etc), holding the door etc. I got women cutting me off my path if both of me and her head the same way. I got men fighting with me for parking space in parking lots now whereas in the past, men usually drove away and let me have that space.
From expectations comes the third point - my adjustment. I've learned to become a man (I mean I AM a man inside, but I was brought up as female), not just the "talk like a man, walk like a man" bit, but learning from the expectations and behave in a way to sorta fulfill those expectations. I suppose that if I were born male, I would have been taught
to behave the same way.
Now, the negative sides. I plan to live stealth, so I have purposely and consciously avoided talking about my past,
or disclosing any information that implies any gender-specific stuff about my past. This is, so far, a small price
to pay. This price could become higher as time goes by. But I kinda think of it as "witness protection program".
Someone without a past. If these people can erase their past, I think I could too.
Lastly, the leftovers. I still don't know how to tell a small amount of people who know me from the past but don't
know that I transition. I don't have contact with these people - I only run into them by chance once a while. I couldn't find the right time or right means to tell them. Yeah, yeah. I should just suck it up, let it slide and let them call me with the old name. What are the odds I run into them regularly, right? But it still causes discomfort.
In summary, so far so good in general. I feel different. More normal.
begun HRT nor had any surgeries yet - just a legal name change. Therefore I'm only going to talk about how I feel about social transition. First, let me talk about interaction with people. I'll divide people
into 3 sets : The set of people who knows me before I transition and still have contacts with me becomes smaller, and at the same time,
there is another set of people whom I meet after I transition and doesn't know my past is growing. The third group are random
strangers such as waiters or cashiers in stores. Some people in the first group who knew about my transition are
still a little reluctant (they still don't call me by my male name) but tolerant, and the rest are quite accepting and not much
slipups happen nowadays (I also seem to think that they have not been babbling about my past to newcomers who don't know). Interactions with this group remain pretty much the same (although I still think that on a subconcious level,
they are still treating me as the previous me.). With the latter group (and I'm glad that I'm passing although most think that I look really young), interactions are just male interactions. I can feel the way they talk to me, their jestures,
topics we chat about, jokes and all - just "the guys" thing. There are negative interactions too. I got into conflicts
with male strangers a couple of times and was angrily stared at.
With male-to-male interactions comes the second point - expectations from me. Expectations from me is different too : I'm expected to
be able to handle anything that typical males can handle, such as lifting heavy things, and hardware stuff. People (I mean those
who don't know my past) are less lenient and more direct in terms of verbal requests, and in general more "blunt". Other expectations also include typical male curtesy, such as anything "ladies first" (allowing women to get out of elevators
first etc), holding the door etc. I got women cutting me off my path if both of me and her head the same way. I got men fighting with me for parking space in parking lots now whereas in the past, men usually drove away and let me have that space.
From expectations comes the third point - my adjustment. I've learned to become a man (I mean I AM a man inside, but I was brought up as female), not just the "talk like a man, walk like a man" bit, but learning from the expectations and behave in a way to sorta fulfill those expectations. I suppose that if I were born male, I would have been taught
to behave the same way.
Now, the negative sides. I plan to live stealth, so I have purposely and consciously avoided talking about my past,
or disclosing any information that implies any gender-specific stuff about my past. This is, so far, a small price
to pay. This price could become higher as time goes by. But I kinda think of it as "witness protection program".
Someone without a past. If these people can erase their past, I think I could too.
Lastly, the leftovers. I still don't know how to tell a small amount of people who know me from the past but don't
know that I transition. I don't have contact with these people - I only run into them by chance once a while. I couldn't find the right time or right means to tell them. Yeah, yeah. I should just suck it up, let it slide and let them call me with the old name. What are the odds I run into them regularly, right? But it still causes discomfort.
In summary, so far so good in general. I feel different. More normal.