(no subject)
Do you remember being a child and holding a toy gun in your hand, just in pure wonder of what it might do? A scene from a western movie would flash into my head, and then I would pretend my hand was someone else's while holding the gun against the side of my head, anticipating what romantic injury would come next. My little, shaking weak fingers would pull the trigger, and I would jump from the sound, dropping the gun. I would jump from the sound, realizing what might actually have happened if that gun were real. My whole body would shake and sigh with relief. If only that were pure reality.
If only all of our life was composed of was material. Of course, there would be no value, but we would be so damn safe. Safe from want, safe from guilt...My mind is wandering now and Apolo is asleep in the bed beside me. I can see a bruise on his bare shoulder..it's from practice. I realize what I actually lately have been doing to him. I guilt-tripped him into not giving up on skating, totally disregarding his health and how much pain he is in, also disregarding the fact that his health is the most important thing. He is in so much pain right now, as Matt unpleasantly made me see.. Apolo, if you really do not want to skate, if you are hurting, don't do it..or..do what your heart desires. Don't feel guilty about it either. Damn it! Why can I not treat anyone right anymore!
Tim, Alexei, Reagan, Matthew, Kip, Apolo, please...I'm sorry, although I know that doesn't help worth shit. Try to give me a second chance...for some of you it's third, fourth or fifth chance, and your string is running low. Please understand, please? As I look over to the kitchen cabinet, I think that knife looks unexplainably good..just the feeling of being able to make a mark on something inside of me...the blood going out..NO! I CAN'T do this again! Not to Tim, not to Alexei, not to Kip, Not to Matthew, not to Reagan, not to anyone! NO!
Maybe I should just delete because of all the shit I have stirred up since I got here.
If only all of our life was composed of was material. Of course, there would be no value, but we would be so damn safe. Safe from want, safe from guilt...My mind is wandering now and Apolo is asleep in the bed beside me. I can see a bruise on his bare shoulder..it's from practice. I realize what I actually lately have been doing to him. I guilt-tripped him into not giving up on skating, totally disregarding his health and how much pain he is in, also disregarding the fact that his health is the most important thing. He is in so much pain right now, as Matt unpleasantly made me see.. Apolo, if you really do not want to skate, if you are hurting, don't do it..or..do what your heart desires. Don't feel guilty about it either. Damn it! Why can I not treat anyone right anymore!
Tim, Alexei, Reagan, Matthew, Kip, Apolo, please...I'm sorry, although I know that doesn't help worth shit. Try to give me a second chance...for some of you it's third, fourth or fifth chance, and your string is running low. Please understand, please? As I look over to the kitchen cabinet, I think that knife looks unexplainably good..just the feeling of being able to make a mark on something inside of me...the blood going out..NO! I CAN'T do this again! Not to Tim, not to Alexei, not to Kip, Not to Matthew, not to Reagan, not to anyone! NO!
Maybe I should just delete because of all the shit I have stirred up since I got here.