...
Post triumphant pleasure, I promptly got the motherfucking hell disturbed out of me by class reading. I literally do not remember the last time something effected me this badly, actual identified triggers included. It wasn't even the "bad part" - I got through the systematic killing and mass dismemberment and such okay. There was just... I think a conflagration of the situation, the details, and the parties involved. Perhaps the notion that things like that just aren't supposed to happen in that situation. Not helped by the fact that I can never turn mental imaging off, and my mental imager took the descriptions and filtered them through acid or something. I ended up with some vivid, crazy pictures - they'd be kind of cool if they weren't terrifying.
This was really unexpected. I read about real human beings doing horrible things to eachother, in detail, quite frequently, and while sometimes I feel useless and trivial and spoiled for doing it in the comfort of my living room, I can generally take a breath, read something fuzzy, or at worst go cuddle a small animal. But I took my anti-anxiety med for the first time in months because I was 3/4 of the way to having an actual panic attack, and I have a permanent lump in my throat. I just... want to pass out and wake up sans disturbing thoughts. And because I am a ~genius~, I have 75 more pages of this shit to read tomorrow. I don't even want to pick up that book again.
(But my roommate gave me big hugs, which helped. My roommate's awesome).
This was really unexpected. I read about real human beings doing horrible things to eachother, in detail, quite frequently, and while sometimes I feel useless and trivial and spoiled for doing it in the comfort of my living room, I can generally take a breath, read something fuzzy, or at worst go cuddle a small animal. But I took my anti-anxiety med for the first time in months because I was 3/4 of the way to having an actual panic attack, and I have a permanent lump in my throat. I just... want to pass out and wake up sans disturbing thoughts. And because I am a ~genius~, I have 75 more pages of this shit to read tomorrow. I don't even want to pick up that book again.
(But my roommate gave me big hugs, which helped. My roommate's awesome).