I won't believe that what I see is all the world has got for me
I picked up the current issue of Bitch magazine (one of my favorite things in the 'verse), and there was a rather interesting article about the declining use of the word "lesbian." Basically, they noted that fewer and fewer young people are identifying by it, instead using gay or queer. I had gotten this impression, but wasn't entirely sure - my only exposure to other queer people my age was at a women's college, which obviously skewed things. Unfortunately, it came to conclusions I disagree with - namely, that the use of "gay" is assimilationist/"safe", or that lesbian is considered "unfashionable." Perhaps it's a given that I'll disagree with any article that uses Camille Paglia as its main source of quotations, but anyway. I identified as gay for years, and the choice was semantic: gay is an adjective, lesbian is a noun, and that's not the sum of what I am. Think about it - if you're a guy, you can be gay and [ ]. It's not taken as the total of what you are. If you're a woman, you are a lesbian. It always felt uncomfortably total to me. That said, I went through a brief period of identifying just as queer, but that was for reasons of being sexually uncertain, and I was in the closet the entire time, so I don't think it really counts, but I've been thinking increasingly that I may again. Partly because - I know this is an unpopular opinion in the queer community, but - I believe that sexuality can change over time, and just because I have never been attracted to a male person doesn't mean I will never be attracted to one, and also for political reasons. I want to throw my lot in with the transfolk and the genderqueer folk and the asexuals. Also, saying "queer" is simpler and more inclusive than saying LGBTTQQIAP. I don't agree with the mainstream LGBT movement in a lot of ways, most of which stem from what I perceive to be its sidelining of trans and gender issues, and some of which is just my not being in line with mainstream politics. (Should queer people be able to join the military? I suppose, but I have enough problems with the military/intelligence establishment that I can't in good conscience put my effort towards that). While I think it's great that we've come far enough that support for gay rights doesn't necessarily denote a political ideology, I also think that it's becoming even more important for those of us who aren't and aren't interested in being in the mainstream to be even more vocal.
Uh. SRS BSNS almost over. When I was trying to write a bio page (which I have still failed at - people, what do you think is important to know about somebody?), I realized how much of my life recently has been dominated by health and medical stuff. Heck, I almost made a post about how I'm afraid my poetry classmates all think I'm crazy instead of My Thoughts On Yaoi up there. (For the record, poetry iz not so great, aktually. My classmates and teacher rather suck).
I bought a GED book today. *sighs* Finally decided to stop with my stupid pride-thing and realize that the job market is not friendly to on-medical-leave homeschoolers with no "real" credentials. The only thing that made it okay was looking at the test-prep shelf and going "Next time I'm coming for the GRE manual, bitches." Over the last few days the area has been awash with happy Class of 2010 graduates and alumni coming for reunion. And I don't begrudge them anything, I just wish that that was... assured for me. And that i could have less issues and be able to just concentrate on getting back to school and doing the best I can. I'm becoming increasingly certain that I'm one of Those People who's plenty smart but never pulls through and does the work. Not on purpose, I just... have this block whereby I freeze up and spend the whole time convinced that I'll never be able to do the assignment until the night before, when I bang something out generally between the hours of two and six AM, which is either a sign of terrible character or even more crazy. I just don't know how to help myself.
But! One of the other things that makes things okay is that I finally found a stuffed Ebola! As a future medical anthropologist, I have been searching for one ever since I found out they made them. One of the things I'm interested in is infectious disease, as well as rural networks of contagion and economically sustainable systems for delivery of care in remote areas. (What can I say, I was influenced by The Hot Zone and Pathologies of Power at an early age). For all my bitching about being behind/out of education, I'm still lucky enough to be at a point when I can imagine doing a lot of things in my life. I know I want to go into medical anthropology (and apparently the daughters of mathematicians dream of growing up to PhDs?), but beyond that - infectious disease? Human rights? Prison-industrial complex? International mental health? TB? Domestic mental health? It's all open. When I was at Gram's, one of my relatives kept going "And you're sure you don't want to go into politics?" over and over. Yes, I'm sure. I'm becoming increasingly fed up with the corporatism and polarization of our system, and I know that it doesn't really like my kind. (Which kind is that? TAKE YOUR PICK). I'm not interested in coopting myself to enter a broken system. God bless those who do, but I'm working from without.
I hate having issues, and recognizing issues, and still being unable to do anything about it. Like, it should be enough to say, "I have this thing whereby I think myself worthless if I don't always achieve at the highest level possible." I should not then have to feel worthless all the time. Especially given that I am achieving NOTHING right now.
Uh. SRS BSNS almost over. When I was trying to write a bio page (which I have still failed at - people, what do you think is important to know about somebody?), I realized how much of my life recently has been dominated by health and medical stuff. Heck, I almost made a post about how I'm afraid my poetry classmates all think I'm crazy instead of My Thoughts On Yaoi up there. (For the record, poetry iz not so great, aktually. My classmates and teacher rather suck).
I bought a GED book today. *sighs* Finally decided to stop with my stupid pride-thing and realize that the job market is not friendly to on-medical-leave homeschoolers with no "real" credentials. The only thing that made it okay was looking at the test-prep shelf and going "Next time I'm coming for the GRE manual, bitches." Over the last few days the area has been awash with happy Class of 2010 graduates and alumni coming for reunion. And I don't begrudge them anything, I just wish that that was... assured for me. And that i could have less issues and be able to just concentrate on getting back to school and doing the best I can. I'm becoming increasingly certain that I'm one of Those People who's plenty smart but never pulls through and does the work. Not on purpose, I just... have this block whereby I freeze up and spend the whole time convinced that I'll never be able to do the assignment until the night before, when I bang something out generally between the hours of two and six AM, which is either a sign of terrible character or even more crazy. I just don't know how to help myself.
But! One of the other things that makes things okay is that I finally found a stuffed Ebola! As a future medical anthropologist, I have been searching for one ever since I found out they made them. One of the things I'm interested in is infectious disease, as well as rural networks of contagion and economically sustainable systems for delivery of care in remote areas. (What can I say, I was influenced by The Hot Zone and Pathologies of Power at an early age). For all my bitching about being behind/out of education, I'm still lucky enough to be at a point when I can imagine doing a lot of things in my life. I know I want to go into medical anthropology (and apparently the daughters of mathematicians dream of growing up to PhDs?), but beyond that - infectious disease? Human rights? Prison-industrial complex? International mental health? TB? Domestic mental health? It's all open. When I was at Gram's, one of my relatives kept going "And you're sure you don't want to go into politics?" over and over. Yes, I'm sure. I'm becoming increasingly fed up with the corporatism and polarization of our system, and I know that it doesn't really like my kind. (Which kind is that? TAKE YOUR PICK). I'm not interested in coopting myself to enter a broken system. God bless those who do, but I'm working from without.
I hate having issues, and recognizing issues, and still being unable to do anything about it. Like, it should be enough to say, "I have this thing whereby I think myself worthless if I don't always achieve at the highest level possible." I should not then have to feel worthless all the time. Especially given that I am achieving NOTHING right now.