(no subject)
I can't believe that I turn 21 in just over 24 hours. It's really crazy to think about, I feel as though it's not possible that so much time has gone by since I graduated high school. I have so many high expectations for my birthday, well at least I did before. I mean I want it to be a blast, but I can't think about it without seeing Jake there. He and I spent sooo much time talking about and planning my birthday, and just getting excited that I would be able to go out and do things with him, and now it's not going to be like that. Now I won't be going out with him, enjoying my birthday with him, and he's who I really really want to be with and celebrate with. Just because I've wanted for so long for this, it was something we were both excited about. I'm not saying that my birthday is going to be disappointing, I know it won't be, I have a lot of friends coming and it will be tons of fun. And Jake is going to be there. At least he says he is. And I want him to be there. I really miss him. I haven't seen him in a while. It's so hard. All I think about is him, and how happy I was. How can it be so wrong? How can being that happy be wrong? I look at pictures of us, and there are so many, and I can just remember all the good times we had together. There is so much that I forgot we even did. It's just so amazing how much I took for granted what we had. Part of me doesn't want to heal, but instead, hang on to what we had. There's just that part of me that is screaming, no, this can't be happening, we were so perfect together, I have never been so happy, and I can't give up. But then the rational part of me is saying, it's over. There's no chance. It makes sense that we aren't together. And I HATE that part of me. I hate that it makes sense, and I hate that I can be so unhappy now, when just 2 weeks ago my life was amazing. I hate not calling him everyday, I hate not giving him hugs, and not being able to see his smile, hear his laugh, and that ridiculous look he gets when he starts to dance, ridiculous but so freaking adorable. I hate missing the way he talked to me, made me feel better, made me laugh, called me ER. I hate that he doesn't say I love you anymore, or send me silly IM's. I hate not having meals he magically concocted that tasted so good, but made no sense when you thought about the ingredients. I just hate missing him so much and the pain I'm going through trying to deal with it. Was 10 months of pure happiness worth this pain that I'm feeling now? I can't say that it wasn't, because it so was. I would give anything for just a little more time with him, happy time, even knowing that it would still end this way. That's how happy he made me feel, I would be willing to go through this again, just to be with him longer. Maybe I'm crazy to say that, but it's the truth. How much time will it take for me to be ok with this? Every single day I put on a smile, I tell everyone that I'm doing good, when deep down I'm tearing apart. And I don't want to put that burden on anyone, so I write about it here. And tomorrow, I will put on my smile again, and I will be ok, acting as though my life is going on, when really I feel as though everything that is inside of me is dying. And even if you wanted to help, what could you do? There is nothing anyone can do. There's no amount of comfort food or talking that will make me feel better. I hate being alone.