All-out trip down memory lane ensues.
bored out of my mind in study hall again. i really could be doing stuff if i really wanted to, and i should be doing stuff, but the way life has been going in the past 2 weeks or so really tells me i cam take the break. However, going by what my grades showed me today, i really should be working. worst grade set of my LIFE. i now also have the lowest grade ive ever gotten in any class anywhere. im really hoping thatll improve. but the funny part about the whole thing is that...i dont care. i mean of COURSE i care, the real chelsea is in there SOMEWHERE, but whoever ive become in the last month or so doesnt seem to care as much about grades as the chelsea im used to did. it does really depress me, but usually id be off my head by now, preparing my app. for Westconn and putting my study habits into overdrive, but all i really want to do is sleep and wake up and have summer vacation. i actually dont really know what i want anymore. i want to be prefect and i want to get into vassar, that i know for sure, but i dont know what i want in-between or after anmyore. because when its the weekend i want to be at school and when im at school i want to go home and blah. life has begun to seem really really pointless recently. im not having as good of a time as i usually am.
went to see naj today about my horrific test, and it turns out the only thing i really did wrong was that i got the values from the WRONG CHART on the green sheet. Gah! well, if she actually told us how to USE it...(i dont know if this is a valid argument or not, but i did feel quite unprepared to use the green sheet. maybe its not her fault.) STILL, though. i dont think that last test was averaged into the grades we got today, which onyl makes me feel worse, because it will only LOWER the grade more later. ack.
had a really nice convo at lunch with alyssa today about passover. i think passover is a really cool holiday, at least from this end of it. it seeems so fun and happy and get-together-y, and the jewish kids at school all have this little bond over the dietary restrictions, and it seems very cool. i tried to express my former feelings about easter, but it just didnt seem as cool in comparison, even though the eastertime that lives in my head will always be one of the best times ever of my childhood. now i think easter just makes me sad because its so different from what it used to be and i know all that it could be. it always used to be at my grandma/aunts house, and there are two kitchens that are always going and someone always saying "try this, just tell me if its good" and seemingly hundreds of people (at the most it was 70, but thats a LOT to a little kid) and lots of beer flowing and food all over the place and people (semi-intoxicated, i realize now) drinking and laughing and speaking ukrainian, all inside and outside and on the deck, and me and my brother and cousins (well, 2nd cousins) running through everyones legs, trying to find hidden plastic eggs and people eating eating eating. it used to be just like that, so great and hodge-podge, filled with great smells and sounds and oh do i miss it. i remember rifling through the big easter basket every year, examining the ukrainian easter eggs carefully so i dont break them, looking for the new one i didnt recognize and passing up all the cabbage-based dishes to eat the amazing desserts like babka and pooshckikie (i wouldnt know how to spell that in english) and cookies...but now its like 15 people and they're all older and less...free, i guess, and we're older too, so we cant really race aound hiding eggs anymore. everyone else has either left us or died or is too old to come up from Penna anymore, and i cant help thinking the world has changed too. its now a more serious, dangerous and depressing place, and discussions like that always seem to crop up now in my family rather than just catching up on whats happened in the past year or so. i miss the easter that exists in my head. another thing: apparently, when i was really little, like 3 or 4, i was able to speak sentences in ukrainian. not much or anything, just a few phrases to get by on, some of which didnt even make sense in context. i only really used it one day out of the year anyway, but i wish i still could. i dont remember a word of it, save for a few dirty or nonsensical things, and ive always wished i could speak another language naturally like that, and i think it would be cool to do. i wish i remembered it. it seems that no one else does, either, because i never hear it spoken anymore. maybe everyone that did speak it is still in PA, or they died.
sorry about that. ive been thinking about that for a while, i guess, in the past 4 or 5 years maybe. easter still is pretty cool, its just not as much of a big deal as it used to be, and i wish it was. and its streange for me to be so nostalgic for family like that. wooster is my family, really. my blood family has always felt like an outside ring.
ah well. 3-day weekend ahead, with lots of work to do. but tonight im chilling out, and tomorrow im doing some HW and studying for APMEH. joy!
went to see naj today about my horrific test, and it turns out the only thing i really did wrong was that i got the values from the WRONG CHART on the green sheet. Gah! well, if she actually told us how to USE it...(i dont know if this is a valid argument or not, but i did feel quite unprepared to use the green sheet. maybe its not her fault.) STILL, though. i dont think that last test was averaged into the grades we got today, which onyl makes me feel worse, because it will only LOWER the grade more later. ack.
had a really nice convo at lunch with alyssa today about passover. i think passover is a really cool holiday, at least from this end of it. it seeems so fun and happy and get-together-y, and the jewish kids at school all have this little bond over the dietary restrictions, and it seems very cool. i tried to express my former feelings about easter, but it just didnt seem as cool in comparison, even though the eastertime that lives in my head will always be one of the best times ever of my childhood. now i think easter just makes me sad because its so different from what it used to be and i know all that it could be. it always used to be at my grandma/aunts house, and there are two kitchens that are always going and someone always saying "try this, just tell me if its good" and seemingly hundreds of people (at the most it was 70, but thats a LOT to a little kid) and lots of beer flowing and food all over the place and people (semi-intoxicated, i realize now) drinking and laughing and speaking ukrainian, all inside and outside and on the deck, and me and my brother and cousins (well, 2nd cousins) running through everyones legs, trying to find hidden plastic eggs and people eating eating eating. it used to be just like that, so great and hodge-podge, filled with great smells and sounds and oh do i miss it. i remember rifling through the big easter basket every year, examining the ukrainian easter eggs carefully so i dont break them, looking for the new one i didnt recognize and passing up all the cabbage-based dishes to eat the amazing desserts like babka and pooshckikie (i wouldnt know how to spell that in english) and cookies...but now its like 15 people and they're all older and less...free, i guess, and we're older too, so we cant really race aound hiding eggs anymore. everyone else has either left us or died or is too old to come up from Penna anymore, and i cant help thinking the world has changed too. its now a more serious, dangerous and depressing place, and discussions like that always seem to crop up now in my family rather than just catching up on whats happened in the past year or so. i miss the easter that exists in my head. another thing: apparently, when i was really little, like 3 or 4, i was able to speak sentences in ukrainian. not much or anything, just a few phrases to get by on, some of which didnt even make sense in context. i only really used it one day out of the year anyway, but i wish i still could. i dont remember a word of it, save for a few dirty or nonsensical things, and ive always wished i could speak another language naturally like that, and i think it would be cool to do. i wish i remembered it. it seems that no one else does, either, because i never hear it spoken anymore. maybe everyone that did speak it is still in PA, or they died.
sorry about that. ive been thinking about that for a while, i guess, in the past 4 or 5 years maybe. easter still is pretty cool, its just not as much of a big deal as it used to be, and i wish it was. and its streange for me to be so nostalgic for family like that. wooster is my family, really. my blood family has always felt like an outside ring.
ah well. 3-day weekend ahead, with lots of work to do. but tonight im chilling out, and tomorrow im doing some HW and studying for APMEH. joy!