When the lights go down
I'm sorry I haven't written on here in a while, and for those of you who are LJ addicts and are suffering from withdrawls, I'm super sorry. Wednesday at the Pipeline, Rachel spoke and gave her testimony. She was mainly hitting on her high school years and talking about an addiction that had taken over her thoughts, feelings, and life itself. She mentioned that an addiction is usually just a cover for something that's really going on. I'm going to say I agree with her. I had the same addiction she did - anorexia. I spent all of my freshman year of high school worrying about all of that. But I've realized what I was trying to cover up. Most of you know my parents are divorced. They have been since I was six. And this past week at VBS, I've looked at all these kids and I remembered when I was in their shoes, and just hearing some of their stories about their parents and family life just made me want to hug them all and never let go. I know exactly how they feel - scared, hopeless, and guilty. But it's not their fault. Just like it's not mine. I've grown a lot since then, but I still deal with knowing my parents will never be together again. There are even some days when I wish I didn't have parents at all, just so I wouldn't have to deal with one bad-mouthing the other and whatnot. Something Rach said really got to me that night, and I wish I could remember it, but I didn't have time to get to my computer, so of course, I forgot it. Here goes.
There's a lot of stuff we try to hide from everyone else. Mainly because we don't want other people to think of us differently for something that's happened in our lives. Trust me, I've done it too. In fact, I still do it. And I'm not alone. You can tell when I'm really upset because I won't want to talk about it with anyone. Hence, hiding it. But sometimes, when we bottle up everything, we might start to develope habits that could eventually evolve into addictions which could create other addictions. For example: skipping a meal every now and then, anorexia, balemia. Not fun things. And I turned to a lot of different things to try and cover up what was really going on. I didn't want anyone to see that I was hurt and become vulnerable. I kept stuff from my best friend. I even kept stuff from God. But what's the point in keeping it from God? He knows it already, but we think that by covering it up, He just might not be able to figure it out. The All-knowing One. The heavenly Sherlock Holmes. One night, I just broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I was typing on my computer, similar to the one I'm typing on now, and just started bawling. My heart felt heavy. I was overwhelmed with life. I cried out to God (actually, it was more of a whisper) and just said I couldn't take it anymore. I need You. Ok, maybe I was a little more specific, but still, almost instantly, I started to feel better. He was standing next to me the whole time. I just chose to forget Him. And when I finally asked for His help and told Him what was up, I felt so much better. I guess what I'm trying to do is encourage you to talk to God. Not just "Rub a dub-dub, thanks for the grub" type prayers, but real sincere, "I can't do this alone" prayers. Bottling stuff in does no good. I still do it, but regret it later because it just builds. But it's a work-in-progress. I wish I could remember why I was inspired earlier, alas I cannot. So I did the best I could. Keep lookin' up.
Beautifully broken,
Kae
There's a lot of stuff we try to hide from everyone else. Mainly because we don't want other people to think of us differently for something that's happened in our lives. Trust me, I've done it too. In fact, I still do it. And I'm not alone. You can tell when I'm really upset because I won't want to talk about it with anyone. Hence, hiding it. But sometimes, when we bottle up everything, we might start to develope habits that could eventually evolve into addictions which could create other addictions. For example: skipping a meal every now and then, anorexia, balemia. Not fun things. And I turned to a lot of different things to try and cover up what was really going on. I didn't want anyone to see that I was hurt and become vulnerable. I kept stuff from my best friend. I even kept stuff from God. But what's the point in keeping it from God? He knows it already, but we think that by covering it up, He just might not be able to figure it out. The All-knowing One. The heavenly Sherlock Holmes. One night, I just broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I was typing on my computer, similar to the one I'm typing on now, and just started bawling. My heart felt heavy. I was overwhelmed with life. I cried out to God (actually, it was more of a whisper) and just said I couldn't take it anymore. I need You. Ok, maybe I was a little more specific, but still, almost instantly, I started to feel better. He was standing next to me the whole time. I just chose to forget Him. And when I finally asked for His help and told Him what was up, I felt so much better. I guess what I'm trying to do is encourage you to talk to God. Not just "Rub a dub-dub, thanks for the grub" type prayers, but real sincere, "I can't do this alone" prayers. Bottling stuff in does no good. I still do it, but regret it later because it just builds. But it's a work-in-progress. I wish I could remember why I was inspired earlier, alas I cannot. So I did the best I could. Keep lookin' up.
Beautifully broken,
Kae