oi
i spend a lot of time writing in this stupid journal to let everyone know how good or bad my life is going. Sometimes I make it sound really good when, in reality, everything is fucked up and I'm just trying to kid myself into thinking it's fabulous. Sometimes my life really isn't all that bad but I'll write about it here and complain for days and be the most fucking melodramatic piece of crap ever just because I can. LJ isn't really even for writing down your feelings anyway. It's about remembering what you were doing at a certain place and time and letting other people know how you're feeling...even if it's a lie.
i'm not doing bad right now. I'm not doing good either. I'm caught in limbo...trying to make things better and be positive while still trying not to forget the things I need to fix. School is so annoying. I can't believe I'm paying $45,000 a year just to be pissed off at it the whole time. My roommate should be killed.
I really just want to bypass the next four weeks. I can finally rid myself of my psychotic French professor, my heinous roommate, my socially retarded dorm, my lack of money ($-8.72 in my bank account. not even kidding), my loneliness and anxiety, and maybe even my bad procrastination habits. I just want to be with my friends and my family and have a job and be in the summer air and get out of here and start totally fresh in September.
I think the best phrase to describe me is "the optimistic pessimist". I generally have a horribly scathing view of the present but my optimism for the future is quite plentiful.
But yeah. I'm going to a counselor tomorrow for the first time ever. Hopefully I can start to sort out my fucked up personality. I'm not even that fucked up. I just need a jumpstart to change, and i think counselling will help. Hopefully, maybe? It's a change I've wanted to see in myself for so long, but it took the prospect of losing one of the things I love most in the entire world to actually make me do something about it. It's like when I procrastinate so bad that i wind up writing an essay til like 6 in the morning the night before it's due. But i never learn. RAWRRR. Change is good! I need some in my life! Why is it so hard????
I'm just frustrated, I suppose.
i'm not doing bad right now. I'm not doing good either. I'm caught in limbo...trying to make things better and be positive while still trying not to forget the things I need to fix. School is so annoying. I can't believe I'm paying $45,000 a year just to be pissed off at it the whole time. My roommate should be killed.
I really just want to bypass the next four weeks. I can finally rid myself of my psychotic French professor, my heinous roommate, my socially retarded dorm, my lack of money ($-8.72 in my bank account. not even kidding), my loneliness and anxiety, and maybe even my bad procrastination habits. I just want to be with my friends and my family and have a job and be in the summer air and get out of here and start totally fresh in September.
I think the best phrase to describe me is "the optimistic pessimist". I generally have a horribly scathing view of the present but my optimism for the future is quite plentiful.
But yeah. I'm going to a counselor tomorrow for the first time ever. Hopefully I can start to sort out my fucked up personality. I'm not even that fucked up. I just need a jumpstart to change, and i think counselling will help. Hopefully, maybe? It's a change I've wanted to see in myself for so long, but it took the prospect of losing one of the things I love most in the entire world to actually make me do something about it. It's like when I procrastinate so bad that i wind up writing an essay til like 6 in the morning the night before it's due. But i never learn. RAWRRR. Change is good! I need some in my life! Why is it so hard????
I'm just frustrated, I suppose.