nave (French): adj. Imbécile
I plan on using this to bitch about things in my life I feel uncomfortable telling others. I don't like to be the overbearing friend who thinks that the world revolves around them, yet it seems many are my friends are that way. Today my beef is against someone who I'm not sure whether to call a friend or not.
I guess I should start out by stating the history, we met in high school in our Japanese class, he is a year or two older than me. At the time he was into drugs, extremely weird, and I thought he was openly gay. Clearly, when he expressed interest in me, that latter opinion was flushed down the drain, though not completely, because he did admit to being bisexual. When I am uncomfortable about something, believe me, I tell people what I think, unedited and all. So, I told this guy that there wasn't a chance in hell, because quite frankly, his attitude is off putting, and he's the furthest of what I'm sexually attracted to.
I have issues with getting close to people, physically especially. And he's insisted on multiple occasions that he needs physical attention (hugs, cuddling, massages), but I am clear each time that I am uncomfortable with him mentioning it. He insists however, which has led my patience to wear thin. I rarely am open with physical contact, there are very few guys who have acquired that status at which I'm comfortable giving them massages and having them use me as a pillow or chair. Hell, I get uncomfortable hugging my parents... Yet, he doesn't respect my limits.
Our conversations have had year-long gaps because he gets too 'in my face' about things, demanding attention, being excessively dramatic when he doesn't get his way. When I canceled plans because I had school work to complete, he posted as his away message: Kill me. Better dead than alone. See, I have issues. My first post, which I can't associate with as my normal self because that is a true extreme, reveals how fucked up I can be... So, when I see people going all attention-whore emo on my ass, I get further pissed off.
Add to all this the constant texting, Y!Ming, and Facebooking, and you've got yourself an annoyance. See, he doesn't respect my boundaries, he is self-absorbed and self-pitying, he uses rejection as a platform to show-off on and get attention, and by the end of the day, I want to beat him to pulp. Of course I avoid hanging out with him, because the way I see it, he either is a self-absorbed idiot who just doesn't get the message, or he's in dire need of attention, and I don't want a leech.
Sure, our conversations can be entertaining and deep. We both went through shit in life, but I don't want to buddy up with people to talk about my misery, and if that's the only time that he's, well, bearable, then I don't want anything to do with him.
Today I snapped at him. He works as a paramedic and has a fucked up schedule, so he usually wants to meet up for breakfast. I have work 1-5PM and don't like getting up early as I go to bed 2-3 AM on average. After work, I want to rest, I want to kick back and chill- but I can't with this guy, he makes me too uncomfortable. We were going to bake for the longest time, our latest idea was bake space brownies, but that would mean hanging out with him either at place (I live alone), or at his place (He is currently living alone), and I'm not cool with that. We have no mutual friends because people run from him, as if he was the plague.
I've always had messed up friends because they tend to be the most down to earth and focused people, aware of pain, aware of how important friendship is and capable of recognizing signs of distress in their loved ones. However, there are some people who don't fit that stereotype, and though I've wanted to be the expection, the one person who took the time to understand why he behaves how he does (hell, maybe I was hoping to manipulate him, who knows), but I realize now that where I am in life, this isn't a healthy relationship to sustain.
I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be mean, but I am sick of feeling cornered, of feeling like I'm doing something wrong by avoidin something that makes me uncomfortable. He's not a bad person, but his constant reflections and demands (even if he calls them jokes) test my patience. Additionally, maybe he does need hug, maybe he needs a friend that will be there for him in that respect, but I have phobias and I place a lot of importance on physical attention since I'm not good at expressing myself with words (face to face). If I were to be the one to give him what he wants (or maybe desperately needs), then I would get caught in this downspiral... and I really, really am sick of sacrificign myself for other people.
Yesterday I had to miss my shrink appointment because a potential student was meeting the teacher before hours (I work 1-5, and though the school is open earlier, registration stuff is taken care by me). I got there at 10, the student called at 10 saying she was going to be late, the teacher called at 10:10 saying she'd be late.... they cancelled at around 10:45. They will meet on Monday at 11, which means I have to go early in the morning again. All this time, I could have been talking my issues out, helping myself, but no. I'm tired of this, starting in September, I won't be doing this shit anymore. Someone else will replace me whilst I'm at lecture on Mondays and Wednesdays, and if she still wants my job, and ends up taking it, then whatever... sure, it's good money and the boss is cool, but I have other priorities in life.
I put people before me, I put work before me, and I really, really need to break that habit. It might cost me, but I can't regret losing something that wasn't worth the extra effort. If it was, then I would gladly put it into it.
I guess I should start out by stating the history, we met in high school in our Japanese class, he is a year or two older than me. At the time he was into drugs, extremely weird, and I thought he was openly gay. Clearly, when he expressed interest in me, that latter opinion was flushed down the drain, though not completely, because he did admit to being bisexual. When I am uncomfortable about something, believe me, I tell people what I think, unedited and all. So, I told this guy that there wasn't a chance in hell, because quite frankly, his attitude is off putting, and he's the furthest of what I'm sexually attracted to.
I have issues with getting close to people, physically especially. And he's insisted on multiple occasions that he needs physical attention (hugs, cuddling, massages), but I am clear each time that I am uncomfortable with him mentioning it. He insists however, which has led my patience to wear thin. I rarely am open with physical contact, there are very few guys who have acquired that status at which I'm comfortable giving them massages and having them use me as a pillow or chair. Hell, I get uncomfortable hugging my parents... Yet, he doesn't respect my limits.
Our conversations have had year-long gaps because he gets too 'in my face' about things, demanding attention, being excessively dramatic when he doesn't get his way. When I canceled plans because I had school work to complete, he posted as his away message: Kill me. Better dead than alone. See, I have issues. My first post, which I can't associate with as my normal self because that is a true extreme, reveals how fucked up I can be... So, when I see people going all attention-whore emo on my ass, I get further pissed off.
Add to all this the constant texting, Y!Ming, and Facebooking, and you've got yourself an annoyance. See, he doesn't respect my boundaries, he is self-absorbed and self-pitying, he uses rejection as a platform to show-off on and get attention, and by the end of the day, I want to beat him to pulp. Of course I avoid hanging out with him, because the way I see it, he either is a self-absorbed idiot who just doesn't get the message, or he's in dire need of attention, and I don't want a leech.
Sure, our conversations can be entertaining and deep. We both went through shit in life, but I don't want to buddy up with people to talk about my misery, and if that's the only time that he's, well, bearable, then I don't want anything to do with him.
Today I snapped at him. He works as a paramedic and has a fucked up schedule, so he usually wants to meet up for breakfast. I have work 1-5PM and don't like getting up early as I go to bed 2-3 AM on average. After work, I want to rest, I want to kick back and chill- but I can't with this guy, he makes me too uncomfortable. We were going to bake for the longest time, our latest idea was bake space brownies, but that would mean hanging out with him either at place (I live alone), or at his place (He is currently living alone), and I'm not cool with that. We have no mutual friends because people run from him, as if he was the plague.
I've always had messed up friends because they tend to be the most down to earth and focused people, aware of pain, aware of how important friendship is and capable of recognizing signs of distress in their loved ones. However, there are some people who don't fit that stereotype, and though I've wanted to be the expection, the one person who took the time to understand why he behaves how he does (hell, maybe I was hoping to manipulate him, who knows), but I realize now that where I am in life, this isn't a healthy relationship to sustain.
I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be mean, but I am sick of feeling cornered, of feeling like I'm doing something wrong by avoidin something that makes me uncomfortable. He's not a bad person, but his constant reflections and demands (even if he calls them jokes) test my patience. Additionally, maybe he does need hug, maybe he needs a friend that will be there for him in that respect, but I have phobias and I place a lot of importance on physical attention since I'm not good at expressing myself with words (face to face). If I were to be the one to give him what he wants (or maybe desperately needs), then I would get caught in this downspiral... and I really, really am sick of sacrificign myself for other people.
Yesterday I had to miss my shrink appointment because a potential student was meeting the teacher before hours (I work 1-5, and though the school is open earlier, registration stuff is taken care by me). I got there at 10, the student called at 10 saying she was going to be late, the teacher called at 10:10 saying she'd be late.... they cancelled at around 10:45. They will meet on Monday at 11, which means I have to go early in the morning again. All this time, I could have been talking my issues out, helping myself, but no. I'm tired of this, starting in September, I won't be doing this shit anymore. Someone else will replace me whilst I'm at lecture on Mondays and Wednesdays, and if she still wants my job, and ends up taking it, then whatever... sure, it's good money and the boss is cool, but I have other priorities in life.
I put people before me, I put work before me, and I really, really need to break that habit. It might cost me, but I can't regret losing something that wasn't worth the extra effort. If it was, then I would gladly put it into it.