(no subject)
I think the worse thing about being a "recovered" cutter is that the hesitance towards cutting becomes yet another debilitating factor. Being introspective, understanding why you are cutting (to control your pain), and knowing (due to past experience) that you will not feel better the next day, just makes it all so much worse. I feel like the other other option I could count on is now gone, because it's been disected and proved to be meaningless and stupid.
I see the knife, I remember the burning sensation the blade has cause in the past, and I know that the pain, which I'm hesitant to make myself feel, will not solve my problem in the end. But it's this hesitation that just makes it worse. Cutting made me feel empowered, and now I don't even have that to count on.
I'm becoming an A student, what I want out of life is finally materializing into an attainable goal and I suddenly feel like I am faced with a loss. I can't go up against myself. I am caught in this battle against myself: I make myself throw up and immediately feel sick, scared that I'll do some permanent damage. I tell myself not to buy that brownie mix, but I defy myself and do it.
I know my parents have spent thousands of dollars in attemps of getting me cured, better- but I can't. I just, it's going to take so much longer. I don't know how much longer I need, I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting myself without eventually resigning to life. I am not suicidal, I want to live- but this part of me is determined to see me miserable.
I did it. I dragged the blade across my skin, I felt the sharp ridges catch onto my skin and break it as I slip it deep, slowly injuring myself. Part of me feels like I should call my psychiatrist, but it's half past one in the morning and I'm seeing him in nine hours. I can't bring myself to call anyone I think of as a friend because I'm so ashamed of the problems I'm dealing with. These are my problems, I bring them upon myself- and there's nothing anyone else can do. It's a battle against myself.
I know I'm not the only person fighting, but it seems no one around me has ever revealed having this problem- and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. To be so weak and open up would just give this other side of me something to taunt me with...
"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else..."
I can't even begin to describe how much I hate myself. I hate this side of myself that is constantly seeking to destroy whatever sane and positive side to me there is left. I feel empty, my left forearm is red, and I don't think I've gotten it all out of my system. It burns, but the blade isn't thin enough for it to sting like a razor cut...
It's almost 2 AM.
I don't want to go to sleep because I know how shitty I'll feel tomorrow morning when I get up.
I keep listening to this song on repeat.
See, Jenny had Shane who was nearly as fucked up. I don't have a friend like Shane, because all my fucked friends like to be in the spotlight, and as someone who doesn't actively seek support, I can never get the comfort I need. I wish I could treat myself better, I really hope I get better. I know I want help, I just can't bring myself to ask people for it, because I wouldn't be able to handle giving someone else the opportunity to set my worth. If they value me as someone good, I can't believe them- and if they value me as someone bad, I find myself agreeing and using their opinion as an extension of my own.
If I'm clinically depressed, why hasn't my psychiatrist given me any anti-depressants?
At this point, it's either anti-depressants or diet pills.
And we all know the later doesn't work.
Fuck. I'd probably think it was all a placebo anyways. I don't like drugs.
I want to get better personally, not with the help of outside things. I want to get better, and I know I need their help, but I can't bring myself to trust anyone's help... It's like a fucking merry-go-round.
凍える夜に咲いた花
振り返るその景色にキミの影を探していた...
安らぎを求め過ぎて傷つけ合う二人
凍えた孤独は寒空に昇り花を降らせた
崩れていく予感の中 立ち尽くしていた
白く光優しかった 掌で消えた花のように
雪が歌う夜に君を憶うよ
凍りついたこの部屋で
色褪せた記憶は眩しいくらい
孤独に染める...
積もっていく過去が今を造りあげる
癒せない傷も間違いじゃない いつか言えるから
今は違う空を見上げ 渡って行けるはず
息を白く染める頃に蘇る記憶 君を連れて
戻せない時間を悔やまぬように
与えられた時が現在
鮮やかな世界を廻るmerry-go-round
孤独と揺れて...
花のように枯れてしまっても
君を憶い 君を感じ 翔けてぬける季節、胸の中で...
雪が歌う夜に君を憶うよ
凍りついたこの部屋で
憧れた未来を待ち望むように
孤独を生きて...さあ
God, if it wasn't for D'espairsRay, would I still be alive?
I see the knife, I remember the burning sensation the blade has cause in the past, and I know that the pain, which I'm hesitant to make myself feel, will not solve my problem in the end. But it's this hesitation that just makes it worse. Cutting made me feel empowered, and now I don't even have that to count on.
I'm becoming an A student, what I want out of life is finally materializing into an attainable goal and I suddenly feel like I am faced with a loss. I can't go up against myself. I am caught in this battle against myself: I make myself throw up and immediately feel sick, scared that I'll do some permanent damage. I tell myself not to buy that brownie mix, but I defy myself and do it.
I know my parents have spent thousands of dollars in attemps of getting me cured, better- but I can't. I just, it's going to take so much longer. I don't know how much longer I need, I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting myself without eventually resigning to life. I am not suicidal, I want to live- but this part of me is determined to see me miserable.
I did it. I dragged the blade across my skin, I felt the sharp ridges catch onto my skin and break it as I slip it deep, slowly injuring myself. Part of me feels like I should call my psychiatrist, but it's half past one in the morning and I'm seeing him in nine hours. I can't bring myself to call anyone I think of as a friend because I'm so ashamed of the problems I'm dealing with. These are my problems, I bring them upon myself- and there's nothing anyone else can do. It's a battle against myself.
I know I'm not the only person fighting, but it seems no one around me has ever revealed having this problem- and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. To be so weak and open up would just give this other side of me something to taunt me with...
"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else..."
I can't even begin to describe how much I hate myself. I hate this side of myself that is constantly seeking to destroy whatever sane and positive side to me there is left. I feel empty, my left forearm is red, and I don't think I've gotten it all out of my system. It burns, but the blade isn't thin enough for it to sting like a razor cut...
It's almost 2 AM.
I don't want to go to sleep because I know how shitty I'll feel tomorrow morning when I get up.
I keep listening to this song on repeat.
See, Jenny had Shane who was nearly as fucked up. I don't have a friend like Shane, because all my fucked friends like to be in the spotlight, and as someone who doesn't actively seek support, I can never get the comfort I need. I wish I could treat myself better, I really hope I get better. I know I want help, I just can't bring myself to ask people for it, because I wouldn't be able to handle giving someone else the opportunity to set my worth. If they value me as someone good, I can't believe them- and if they value me as someone bad, I find myself agreeing and using their opinion as an extension of my own.
If I'm clinically depressed, why hasn't my psychiatrist given me any anti-depressants?
At this point, it's either anti-depressants or diet pills.
And we all know the later doesn't work.
Fuck. I'd probably think it was all a placebo anyways. I don't like drugs.
I want to get better personally, not with the help of outside things. I want to get better, and I know I need their help, but I can't bring myself to trust anyone's help... It's like a fucking merry-go-round.
凍える夜に咲いた花
振り返るその景色にキミの影を探していた...
安らぎを求め過ぎて傷つけ合う二人
凍えた孤独は寒空に昇り花を降らせた
崩れていく予感の中 立ち尽くしていた
白く光優しかった 掌で消えた花のように
雪が歌う夜に君を憶うよ
凍りついたこの部屋で
色褪せた記憶は眩しいくらい
孤独に染める...
積もっていく過去が今を造りあげる
癒せない傷も間違いじゃない いつか言えるから
今は違う空を見上げ 渡って行けるはず
息を白く染める頃に蘇る記憶 君を連れて
戻せない時間を悔やまぬように
与えられた時が現在
鮮やかな世界を廻るmerry-go-round
孤独と揺れて...
花のように枯れてしまっても
君を憶い 君を感じ 翔けてぬける季節、胸の中で...
雪が歌う夜に君を憶うよ
凍りついたこの部屋で
憧れた未来を待ち望むように
孤独を生きて...さあ
God, if it wasn't for D'espairsRay, would I still be alive?