(no subject)
life just seems to be getting worse, and yet so much better at the same time. its strange how things work out sometimes.
the more i push, the harder someone falls. and that someone is...me.
sigh.
i honestly dont know what my life is gonna be like a year from now. i dont know where im gonna live or how im gonna afford it. if im gonna be alone or am i just gonna live with my family in the city. if im gonna meet anyone new. if someones gonna fall in love with me. if i will get mugged. or raped. its scary out there. im so afraid to live in the city alone. i dont want to be alone anymore. thats the one thing im most scared of. is to be alone. and i have a feeling that thats how my life is gonna be. forever. on prom im gonna be alone. on those summer nights. on the subway. on the train ride back home to CT. when im drunkenly sober sitting in my room. when im outside gazing at the stars. yeah...sigh...im gonna be alone. sometimes i wish it didnt have to be that way. sometimes i wish that i can make someone fall in love with me. i wish alota things. i wish i had someone to cuddle with in this very moment. i wish i knew what if felt like to feel the warmth. i wish i wouldnt sob whenever i see something cute because i wish i had it too. ever have that happen? i have so many nostalgic moments. sigh...i wish i could be happy, without forcing myself to be.
prom is whats on my mind right now. and it has been for a while. do i really want to be alone that night. because its my decision. i could go up to him or anyone and ask them to prom. and if they turn me down...well thats that. i move on. or try to. but no. im such a fucking loser. and way too shy. so its either ...i wait till someone asks....which...yah right...im my fucking dreams...or ask someone...........yeah and get turned down!? i dont think so. yeah...so basically..its a lose lose situation. and yeah i lose. god. i hate ranting like this, only because im practically talking to myself at the moment and typing what i can remember of what i had just said. but it made me feel better. much better. i just needed to vent. VENT. VENT. VENT. ....ahhhhhhhHHH. =)
on a happier note: i saw someone pretty today. very pretty. and he smiled at me. yeah, but i tried not to look. hehe. im so bad at that though. yeah...i started to giggle. but i think he saw something he liked too. mmmm..i hope it was meE. ^_____^ . that made me happy. very happy.
the more i push, the harder someone falls. and that someone is...me.
sigh.
i honestly dont know what my life is gonna be like a year from now. i dont know where im gonna live or how im gonna afford it. if im gonna be alone or am i just gonna live with my family in the city. if im gonna meet anyone new. if someones gonna fall in love with me. if i will get mugged. or raped. its scary out there. im so afraid to live in the city alone. i dont want to be alone anymore. thats the one thing im most scared of. is to be alone. and i have a feeling that thats how my life is gonna be. forever. on prom im gonna be alone. on those summer nights. on the subway. on the train ride back home to CT. when im drunkenly sober sitting in my room. when im outside gazing at the stars. yeah...sigh...im gonna be alone. sometimes i wish it didnt have to be that way. sometimes i wish that i can make someone fall in love with me. i wish alota things. i wish i had someone to cuddle with in this very moment. i wish i knew what if felt like to feel the warmth. i wish i wouldnt sob whenever i see something cute because i wish i had it too. ever have that happen? i have so many nostalgic moments. sigh...i wish i could be happy, without forcing myself to be.
prom is whats on my mind right now. and it has been for a while. do i really want to be alone that night. because its my decision. i could go up to him or anyone and ask them to prom. and if they turn me down...well thats that. i move on. or try to. but no. im such a fucking loser. and way too shy. so its either ...i wait till someone asks....which...yah right...im my fucking dreams...or ask someone...........yeah and get turned down!? i dont think so. yeah...so basically..its a lose lose situation. and yeah i lose. god. i hate ranting like this, only because im practically talking to myself at the moment and typing what i can remember of what i had just said. but it made me feel better. much better. i just needed to vent. VENT. VENT. VENT. ....ahhhhhhhHHH. =)
on a happier note: i saw someone pretty today. very pretty. and he smiled at me. yeah, but i tried not to look. hehe. im so bad at that though. yeah...i started to giggle. but i think he saw something he liked too. mmmm..i hope it was meE. ^_____^ . that made me happy. very happy.