Updates, updates
Last night was probably the worst night for me, basically because I was on the phone all night with Juan. Since Tuesday, it’s been a ritual (I guess) where I call him and we talk until we both fall asleep. Well last night he was all depressed and what have you and he’s just so… I don’t know. He feels bad for everything he put me through and he literally cried. I told him things happen for a reason and I guess they do right? If we were meant to be, he wouldn’t have picked Annie (his girlfriend) over me, and I am finally coming to peace with that, now. I’m looking forward to my future, and getting what I want, what I need out of a relationship for once. And I’m thinking that Carlos might be the one that could do that for me.
Oh yeah, I haven’t updated about Carlos. He thinks that I am his guardian angel, and that I’m heaven sent, and I think the same just as highly of him. He’s been the sweetest, and I was so worried that he wouldn’t like my pictures. And he thinks I’m the one that he sees in his dreams, isn’t that sweet? I care about him with all of me, and I trust him to the fullest before he even told me how he felt about me, and it just feels so right to feel this way about him. I’m just hoping that when he gets out of jail, that all of my depression, all of the pain, will just melt away in his arms. I have a feeling that he and I are meant to be, and I know that’s soon, because we aren’t even together yet, but it just feels right. We have so much in common, that we are almost alike, the only difference is our genders. We are just awesome, and I think that we would be the perfect couple. I just have a really good feeling when I think about him, and I don’t feel this way about anyone, especially not this fast. We’ve only corresponded 4 times, and I’m thinking that maybe this is what I have been waiting on-him. I sure hope so, I need someone to love me, and I think that he would care about me, extremely. I will post the poem at a later date because I left it in my locker, haha.
Anyhow, I’ve been telling Juan about Carlos, and he doesn’t like that, at all. He said “fuck Carlos” more than once, and I don’t know why. He’s with someone, but it’s like he doesn’t want me to move on from him, to be honest. All we talk about is our past, and how much we hurt each other, it’s like he’s stuck in the past and he can’t get over the fact that he’s without me now. But he brought that on himself, and when he did that, I’m realizing that I need to get my head out of the clouds, and find someone to love me, all of me, and someone that I would never tire of. That could be years from now, or next month, you know? But my mom and I talked about Carlos, and she read his letter, and she thinks that we are truly meant to be together. Just the things he says, the way things happen, it’s scary. We’re reading the same book at the same moment, too, which freaked me out. I’m scared, because this could be something big when he gets out, a very serious relationship on the horizon. And I sure hope that it would work out to both of our advantages. He wants a serious relationship, and so do I, and we both have so much in common, I think we’d be good for one another. It’s just a really big thought, and things to think about. I feel sort of like a hypocrite because Orre and I would get into it about him going to jail and how I couldn’t deal with someone that’s not going to get his act together. But you know what? Carlos I truly believe and have faith in hoping that he’s changed, and that he’s planning to be a good man. He’s said it many times, and I believe it. And I think with me, and if he wants to come to Arkansas, he could get away from all that, and start his life off from scratch, with me. So many things are flying through my mind.
But anyway, I was on the phone again with Juan ‘till 2 this morning. I am desperately tired, and ready to fall over because I just would love to go to sleep, haha. But when I get home tomorrow I will definitely go to bed. And I don’t have to call Juan until Sunday at 12 so yea.
I don’t know how to feel about him and his girlfriend. We honestly don’t like one another, but when I go to Denton, and I don’t see Juan, that hurts me so bad. But the only reason I don’t see him is because he’s either with his girl or at work. So there’s like no way to get to him the way that I want to. I’m not going to lie, I still love him, and it hurts so bad that he moved on the way that he did. We were talking about the day they got together, and I found myself clutching myself and crying, and he didn’t know. It’s just so difficult, not being his center of attention anymore, and shoved into a little corner, and pulled out whenever he feels like toying with my emotions. Just the things that he says, are just so… deep, and I’m trying to get over him, but he’s not letting me. He keeps bringing up our past, our love, our sex, the good times we had, the bad, you know? And we did have a great relationship, but we both weren’t meant for one another. I’m meant to be with someone else, and he’s meant to be with her, or whoever. Maybe some day we will look down the road and just laugh about it.
But I really…really…want Carlos in my life…for as long as I can keep him.
And I know that’s going to change a lot of things between Stacy and I, but I don’t care… He’s worth it.
I deserve someone to love me. At least.
Also, I’m making friends finally, and that’s always good
And I got in contact with Carey again
Mhm.
*fuzzies* I want to feel someone again. I’m just so sick of being alone, and it feels like its been an eternity since I’ve been happy with someone.
I’m planning on throwing a big party in Denton for the big 18, and I’m planning on getting a motel or something. Or unless someone lets me use their house haha. I’m getting a condom tree, and we are all going to drink and get fucked up, then fuck haha. I hope that at that time, Carlos and I will be very familiar with one another (There’s a big chance that he will get out in January) and I’m hoping we will be at my 18th birthday, hand in hand, for everyone to see. I think everyone would be so happy for me. I told Juan that he could come, and bring his girlfriend, ‘cos I am sure that there are going to be a lot of couples there, and I wouldn’t want him to feel lonely, especially when/if he sees me with Carlos, and if not Carlos, there will be someone there on my birthday, that I most likely will be lip locked with. We just have to get over our past with one another, and let loose, and hang out like real friends. We shouldn’t have to watch what we say, call before we come over to one another’s house so no one is uncomfortable, it should all just be peachy. We will get to that point, this time apart will make it better, and he’ll be too absorbed to even notice me with whoever I am with, because if I’m with Carlos, Juan will know it very well. Not to rub it in his face, I’m just openly romantic, and he’ll have to get used to it. If I go anywhere with him, most likely Carlos will be there with us, you know? Lots of If’s, you know? And I’ll be much skinnier than I am, and cuter, and dressed nicer, hell, he wouldn’t know what he lost until he sees me again. And at that moment in my life, he’s going to wish he never let me go. But it’s better for me to be without him, I’m doing better by myself, and I’ll be ready for Carlos when he gets out. And I’m giving 500% to Carlos. Wow ha
Well I’m done writing for the day, you can tell my head is floating in the clouds, can’t you? Haha.
Peace and Greece
I get my doggy soon yayyy
And I hope to have my soul mate sooon yayyy haha
But anyway, I was on the phone again with Juan ‘till 2 this morning. I am desperately tired, and ready to fall over because I just would love to go to sleep, haha. But when I get home tomorrow I will definitely go to bed. And I don’t have to call Juan until Sunday at 12 so yea.
I don’t know how to feel about him and his girlfriend. We honestly don’t like one another, but when I go to Denton, and I don’t see Juan, that hurts me so bad. But the only reason I don’t see him is because he’s either with his girl or at work. So there’s like no way to get to him the way that I want to. I’m not going to lie, I still love him, and it hurts so bad that he moved on the way that he did. We were talking about the day they got together, and I found myself clutching myself and crying, and he didn’t know. It’s just so difficult, not being his center of attention anymore, and shoved into a little corner, and pulled out whenever he feels like toying with my emotions. Just the things that he says, are just so… deep, and I’m trying to get over him, but he’s not letting me. He keeps bringing up our past, our love, our sex, the good times we had, the bad, you know? And we did have a great relationship, but we both weren’t meant for one another. I’m meant to be with someone else, and he’s meant to be with her, or whoever. Maybe some day we will look down the road and just laugh about it.
But I really…really…want Carlos in my life…for as long as I can keep him.
And I know that’s going to change a lot of things between Stacy and I, but I don’t care… He’s worth it.
I deserve someone to love me. At least.
Also, I’m making friends finally, and that’s always good
And I got in contact with Carey again
Mhm.
*fuzzies* I want to feel someone again. I’m just so sick of being alone, and it feels like its been an eternity since I’ve been happy with someone.
I’m planning on throwing a big party in Denton for the big 18, and I’m planning on getting a motel or something. Or unless someone lets me use their house haha. I’m getting a condom tree, and we are all going to drink and get fucked up, then fuck haha. I hope that at that time, Carlos and I will be very familiar with one another (There’s a big chance that he will get out in January) and I’m hoping we will be at my 18th birthday, hand in hand, for everyone to see. I think everyone would be so happy for me. I told Juan that he could come, and bring his girlfriend, ‘cos I am sure that there are going to be a lot of couples there, and I wouldn’t want him to feel lonely, especially when/if he sees me with Carlos, and if not Carlos, there will be someone there on my birthday, that I most likely will be lip locked with. We just have to get over our past with one another, and let loose, and hang out like real friends. We shouldn’t have to watch what we say, call before we come over to one another’s house so no one is uncomfortable, it should all just be peachy. We will get to that point, this time apart will make it better, and he’ll be too absorbed to even notice me with whoever I am with, because if I’m with Carlos, Juan will know it very well. Not to rub it in his face, I’m just openly romantic, and he’ll have to get used to it. If I go anywhere with him, most likely Carlos will be there with us, you know? Lots of If’s, you know? And I’ll be much skinnier than I am, and cuter, and dressed nicer, hell, he wouldn’t know what he lost until he sees me again. And at that moment in my life, he’s going to wish he never let me go. But it’s better for me to be without him, I’m doing better by myself, and I’ll be ready for Carlos when he gets out. And I’m giving 500% to Carlos. Wow ha
Well I’m done writing for the day, you can tell my head is floating in the clouds, can’t you? Haha.
Peace and Greece
I get my doggy soon yayyy
And I hope to have my soul mate sooon yayyy haha