emotions
i've been such a barrage of emotions recently. i miss andrew more and more and i'm beginning to dream about him...and by beginning to, i mean, i've had like 5.
kim and kristin think i've been handling this well--but its hard. it's getting harder every day, because now, it's finally hit me. and i just wish i could do and say the things i want to...but i can't.
he called me yesterday. got two minutes on the phone for doing some sort of marching drill properly (or the fastest--i don't know) and the less than 2 minutes i was on the phone was a swirl of emotions and screaming (because neither of us could really hear and i heard a whole bunch of army-type shouting (!?!?!)) i was excited, but sad, but curious, and everything you could possibly be in that short of a time..
i put down the phone and cried. i don't know which way is easier--to never talk...or know you can talk but everyday i find myself running to the mailbox and writing down the mundane events of my life (like in my last letter that said "i have sand flea bites! they itch!"). but i'm trying to make this as normal as possiblein this not-so-normal situation.
i'm thankful more and more everyday for the friends that i have. the poeple that are by me all the time. every day, every weekend....i'm so glad that even though a rock in my life is gone in a sense, i still have these people...that i can call when im crying, when i want to be babied, when i want to throw things, or when i want to dance. i don't have to sit in my room thinking "god i wish someone would listen to me!!"...
and yea, at times, i still get stir crazy and wish that i had someone i could talk to at that moment in time--and i may get upset...but in the long run, i'm glad that i am confident in my friends and i know they won't turn their backs on me...there's a reason i've had these friends for so long...because they're real...
i'm going to be strong. as long as i can. this IS hard....but i don't want to waste these days of my life sitting in my room, watching the same shows over and over again with a pint of ice cream in my hand wishing that things were different.
this is nothing but a letter to myself...that when things get rough, i shouldn't worry--because i know many people care..
kim and kristin think i've been handling this well--but its hard. it's getting harder every day, because now, it's finally hit me. and i just wish i could do and say the things i want to...but i can't.
he called me yesterday. got two minutes on the phone for doing some sort of marching drill properly (or the fastest--i don't know) and the less than 2 minutes i was on the phone was a swirl of emotions and screaming (because neither of us could really hear and i heard a whole bunch of army-type shouting (!?!?!)) i was excited, but sad, but curious, and everything you could possibly be in that short of a time..
i put down the phone and cried. i don't know which way is easier--to never talk...or know you can talk but everyday i find myself running to the mailbox and writing down the mundane events of my life (like in my last letter that said "i have sand flea bites! they itch!"). but i'm trying to make this as normal as possiblein this not-so-normal situation.
i'm thankful more and more everyday for the friends that i have. the poeple that are by me all the time. every day, every weekend....i'm so glad that even though a rock in my life is gone in a sense, i still have these people...that i can call when im crying, when i want to be babied, when i want to throw things, or when i want to dance. i don't have to sit in my room thinking "god i wish someone would listen to me!!"...
and yea, at times, i still get stir crazy and wish that i had someone i could talk to at that moment in time--and i may get upset...but in the long run, i'm glad that i am confident in my friends and i know they won't turn their backs on me...there's a reason i've had these friends for so long...because they're real...
i'm going to be strong. as long as i can. this IS hard....but i don't want to waste these days of my life sitting in my room, watching the same shows over and over again with a pint of ice cream in my hand wishing that things were different.
this is nothing but a letter to myself...that when things get rough, i shouldn't worry--because i know many people care..