...Love... - Part 5
-Six weeks later in Japan-
-5:12 AM-
Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” I had said two weeks ago to him. This conversation had replayed in my mind ever since we had it. My mind was trying to decipher Jaejoong’s subtle hints and trying to make sense of the way he’d dodge every question I threw at him that day. I had noticed that he had been acting so off lately, but in a strangely good way. He was a lot more up beat, if that was even possible, but he also zoned out a lot more than usual. Even his music compositions and lyric writing got a whole lot better. His inspiration, whatever it was, was doing a damn good job of helping him create some beautiful music. He was also cooking a lot more, which was always a good thing for us, and he just always seemed relaxed and content. Even in the airport, the place he began to hate the most, he was calm and collected now.
“Of course I’m listening. You basically said the girl at the “Wrong Number’ shoot was cute and you got her number. Yoochun, you get everyone’s number. As long as they’ve got tits, you’ll call them.”
“Well now you’re just making me sound like a slut.” I had frowned, not looking up from the laptop; I was in the middle of making a really nice song.
“If the shoe fits…” He trailed off, a smug grin occupying his face as I threw a pillow at him.
“Anyway, she was alright. We talked for a little bit last night. I told her I’d take her out sometime when our schedules weren’t so tight.”
“Which isn’t going to be anytime soon since we’re going to Japan Monday morning. I’m actually looking forward to going back.” He was smiling, also busy with something on his laptop. No doubt he was composing something as well. “I miss the food.”
“You sound like Changmin.” I laughed. “By the way, what are you doing later? Eunhyuk, Siwon, Heechul and Kibum invited us out for dinner before we leave. I think Leeteuk might be going too.”
“Ah, damn,” He had suddenly stopped and looked up, bringing his hand up to his face to softly bite his thumb as if thinking. “Yunho and I made plans to go out for dinner already.”
“Ah, that’s too bad. Sorry for not letting you know earlier. Where you guys going?”
“I don’t know, actually. Yunho just said he had read about some restaurant that was really good and he wanted to take me.” I actually remember chuckling a little bit as I turned to look at a still smiling Jaejoong while he quickly typed something on his laptop and then stopped to think before typing again.
“It sounds like a date.” The words sort of just came out through my chuckling. Jaejoong just laughed, but this laugh was different. It was the laugh that was reserved for public appearances with hosts he didn’t know well, for whenever he was nervous, guarded or embarrassed -- He gave me the chuckling laugh as he covered his mouth with the back of his hand.
”You’re an idiot, Yoochun.” He had laughed a bit harder, but it wasn’t the unguarded, hearty laugh that we all knew so well. I raised my eyebrow a little at this observation…and then I decided to push his buttons a little just to see what I could get out of him. You know, just for fun.
“Am not! We all know about Yunho’s raging crush on you. We see how he seizes any opportunity to perform fan service. You don’t see it?” I grinned as I adjusted some of the levels in the music I was composing.
“See what? Hey, you think I should dye my hair again? I sort of miss the platinum blonde.” I looked over to see him tugging at the ends of his hair.
“Look at you dodging the question.”
“What question?”
“I was just asking if you’ve never noticed Yunho flirting with you every chance he gets. I mean, I know you guys like to work the girls, but even when there’s no one around he flirts with you.”
Let me just clarify that this isn’t the first time I’ve teased him about Yunho. This was seriously a constant thing for me. It wasn’t because I thought something was going on, but I just thought it was so funny that they worked that angle so hard and so incredibly well. It was so convincing. It was especially hilarious when we’d find fan-fiction and fan-manipulated pictures of the two of them. It was just too much. And sure, I had my own ‘scandal’ with Junsu, but Junsu was such a borderline prude that he’d only go so far when he’d flirt with me on-stage. The girls ate it up, but it wasn’t really the kind of attention I wanted from the women; I wanted a girl to want kiss me-not watch me kissing Junsu, or any other member for that matter.
But I have to say… it is so much fun to watch Junsu squirm…
To be honest though, I really did notice the way Yunho would hold on just a little bit longer and hug Jaejoong a little more tightly than the rest of us. I always shrugged it off as them just being really close friends, but at this moment I was really just using it to push Jaejoong’s buttons. It seemed to be working because Jaejoong started rolling his eyes.
“Yoochun, go back to making your music.” He shooed me away as he walked to his closet and started pulling clothes off the rack. This was definitely his warning to get me to stop teasing him, but I was just so amused at this point that I couldn’t help but continue!
”Ah, I suppose you’re right. In any case, it seems he’s grown pretty close to our stylist. I bet you he’s seeing her and he isn’t even telling us.”
And then I heard him scoff and then a soft, “I doubt it.”
“What? Why? He’d have to be gay to not at least attempt it.”
His movement suddenly went from fluid motions to jerky and unsure jolts. He then paused to regain his composure and before I had a chance to blink, his motions were back to being effortless and graceful.
“I’m going to shower.” His answer was so cold and abrupt that I was sort of taken aback. He had disappeared behind the bathroom door so fast that I couldn’t even comprehend it. ‘What was that all about?’ I remember thinking to myself, staring at the closed door for a long time, just trying to figure out what happened. Was Jaejoong mad about something? It bothered me so much that I just started thinking about the conversation we just had… and I continued thinking about it up to this day. Up to this very moment in the makeup artists’ chair at 5 o’clock in the morning in the studio at Channel A. Since that day, every time I’d tease him about Yunho, he’d just roll his eyes and change the subject, not even humoring me anymore! It was sort of strange considering the fact that Jaejoong and I always took humorous jabs at each other. He was still up for it, but as soon as Yunho came into the picture, he’d just give up and shoo me away.
“Hey. What the hell are you thinking about? It looks like you’re about to chew your lip off.” Changmin leaned over when his makeup artist walked away for a moment. His voice sort of startled me as I jumped a little and turned to look at him.
Shim Changmin. Although he was younger than me, I considered him so wise beyond his years. He was always so smart and level headed. I had never seen him irrational or out of control. I admired these qualities about him. Not only that, his logic and reasoning skills were so sharp that I felt I could always come to him, when I couldn’t go to Jaejoong, when something was bothering me…and it was this very reason why I decided to somewhat confide in Changmin about what happened that day with Jaejoong and I and how he’d been acting lately. Changmin listened and nodded when it was appropriate, never interrupting me and only asking questions after asking for permission to interrupt.
“So what is it that you’re so stressed out about?” Changmin asked, his brows furrowing a little while he tried to understand.
“Well, I mean, I know it’s a stupid little thing to stress about, but you know how Jaejoong is. He’s always the first one, if not you, to poke fun back at anyone who starts it. And just the fact that his answer that day was so cold and curt was just weird. I don’t know. You think I’m over exaggerating?” Changmin blinked.
“Yes. I think you’re over exaggerating.” He replied, shaking his head in disapproval. “I swear, you stress over the weirdest shit.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I sighed and leaned back long enough for my back to barely touch the back of it before I fully leaned in again close to Changmin. “But do you notice it at all? I mean, the way Yunho acts?”
“That’s just how Yunho is. It’s how he’s always been.” Changmin tilted his head for a moment before looking back at me. “Maybe that’s why Jaejoong is sort of,” he then held up his hands to mimic quotation marks. “Mad at you. You’re basically accusing Yunho of being gay. That’s a pretty big accusation, especially since Yunho is anything but gay. Besides, you’re acting as if those actions aren’t normal.”
“I don’t know, Changmin. I mean, I’m not holding Junsu’s hand when I’m walking off stage at almost every live.”
“Oh come on, Yoochun. You think they’re serious? It’s just for the fans! When Yunho starts acting like Heechul, then you can be concerned.” Changmin chuckled to himself.
“But you really haven’t noticed Yunho flirting even when there are no fans around?”
He leaned back and looked at me while I waited for an answer. I finally saw his eyebrow raise and then he shook his head. “You know, there are times when I seem to forget you were raised in America.”
“What the hell does that have to do with it?” I was almost offended.
“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you, but you know how guys act with their friends in Korea. It’s just all fun and games and it’s not to be taken seriously. But Americans, once they see stuff like that, we’re all instantly flaming homosexuals. Culture difference, I get it. I think you’re still trying to separate your American side with you Korean side.” He had stated it so matter-of-factly that I almost stupid. I thought about his words for a second and maybe he had a point, but I really couldn’t ignore this strangely nagging feeling. “I’d just drop it right now if I were you. You’re overacting completely. I can’t believe you’d accuse Yunho-ssi of being gay. That’s just a gross accusation.”
I was about to ask what that was supposed to mean until I was completely interrupted by the person whose arm was suddenly slung around me.
“Ooo, what are you guys talking about?” Junsu smiled wide. “I want to hear!”
“We were just commenting on how gigantic your ass is in those pants.” Changmin grinned to himself as he turned away from Junsu. Junsu immediately pouted and turned to me.
“Is that true, Yoochun?”
I leaned back to take a look at his backside, just to make it look good. When Changmin had said that, I had completely thought he’d said it just to quickly change the subject but when I had taken a look at Junsu’s butt…it really did look a lot bigger than usual.
“Wow, you’re right!” And then, before I could comprehend the thought to stop myself…
I slapped his ass.
Changmin turned to look at me; his eyes were wide and eyebrows were raised as Junsu yelped and held his butt with one hand and shoved me with the other.
“Jerks.” He muttered before walking away. “By the way, Jaejoong is almost done in makeup. We should be ready to go on in about five minutes.” I nodded as Junsu walked away and then looked at Changmin, whose lips were slowly curling up into the most evil grin I had ever seen.
“And you think Yunho is the fag?” He laughed and stood up and began to walk out of the room.
“That was just playing around!” I protested, jumping up and following him quickly. Changmin continued to laugh and shook his head. Okay, so maybe Changmin had made his point perfectly clear. I started to think about it more as I watched Jaejoong hugging Junsu from behind. Junsu then leaned back and put his arm around Jaejoong and gave him a tight hug. I started to feel guilty. To consider Yunho to be seriously gay was certainly a huge accusation on my part and besides, why was it even bothering me now? Was it just because Jaejoong’s answer or reaction isn’t what I wanted it to be or wasn’t what I was used to? Maybe I was being selfish.
In any case, I didn’t have any more time to think about it because it was time to go on.
-5:30 PM-
-Three Days Later-
“Excellent! Great job! Junsu, can you please move a little closer to Yoochun? Right… yes, right there! Hold it, please!” The director shouted and shot a few more pictures of us before we all moved slightly, causing the director to shout “Wonderful!” while he snapped more pictures. We were in the middle of a photo shoot for some magazine; I didn’t quite catch the name. All I know is that the suit they gave me came with pants that were just a little too small and it was really bothering me. For some reason, they really loved to give Junsu and me the weirdest clothes in the wardrobe selection. The stylists on almost every set just about always allowed Jaejoong style to himself and Japanese stylists were always in awe over how skinny and tall Changmin was, so they always gave him the second best clothes. Yunho was Mr. Manly Leader, so they gave him third dibs, if not second, which left…
“Oh my God, what is this?” Junsu had mumbled to me before looking down at a shirt that seemed to be missing a couple of pieces of fabric that sat underneath a mesh shirt. At least they had given him a jacket. Okay, let me correct that, at least they had given him one jacket because I was standing here with some tight ass pants, sneakers and like fifty sweaters on. And with the lights they use in photo shoots, I just want you to know that I was boiling during that shoot. I looked over at my other members just to see what poses they were doing. I saw Yunho place his hand on Changmin’s shoulder while taking a long glance at Jaejoong. It took Jaejoong a moment to notice, but when he did, he just gave him a sly smile and looked away.
Since that day at the television studio, I had decided to just let my suspicions about Yunho go. Maybe Changmin was right and I was just overanalyzing everything. I seemed to have been doing that lately anyway. I actually started to feel guilty once I realized what I was thinking. Yunho had been such a great friend, a pillar of support and such a hard-worker in the group. He was always so honest and passionate that even if he was gay, with the way he wore his heart on his sleeve, I’m sure everyone would have known by now.
“I think we’re ready for individual shots now,” The photographer smiled. “Please every one, go get changed.”
We all bowed and thanked the photographer and the director and made our way to the dressing room. I had taken maybe two steps before I eagerly took off one of the layers.
“I really hope our next outfits are a lot more…ventilated.” I mumbled quietly, not wanting to offend any of the staff on set. Junsu just chuckled.
“I think the worst of it is over.” He spoke to me quietly in Korean while the rest of the guys were busy talking to the crewmembers. “I saw some other clothes on another rack that looked really nice. And normal.”
And he was right, and I was so relieved to be given a suit with a low cut shirt for a change. Junsu smiled wide at me as he was also given a suit. I looked around, making small talk with the stylist and joking around with the other guys. I laughed when I saw Changmin being fawned over by the other stylist and the makeup artist. Changmin was starting to become my biggest competition, it seemed, but I didn’t mind. He had been such a good boy for so long, it was time for him to experience his first real kiss.
I don’t count Jaejoong as his first kiss, no matter how hilarious that moment was.
Once I was done with wardrobe, I was waiting around for a makeup artist to be open and just talking to Changmin when the photographer came into the room.
“Where did Jaejoong go? I’m ready for him.”
“I think he went to the restroom. I’ll go get him.” I volunteered. It had been a moment since I’d seen him anyway and as I was walking to the restroom, I realized there was one other person I hadn’t seen in a while as well. Where the hell was-
“Yunho! We need to get back! They’re probably looking for us.”
That voice was definitely Jaejoong’s.
“I just wanted you to know you look so stunning today.”
Yunho’s voice was low and silky. I heard Jaejoong laugh softly.
“You don’t look too bad yourself, today.”
Weirdos. I thought to myself as I placed a hand on the door. I was about to grab the door handle and go in when I heard it. My heart stopped. My throat went dry. My eyes widened. My palms were sweating. Did I…Did I just hear that correctly? I must have been mistaken.
But then I heard it again. I wasn’t mistaken. I knew exactly what that noise was: kissing.
“Ah… Yunho...” Jaejoong purred. Jaejoong purred. And then he moaned. What the fuck was going on in there? My mind was spinning while I stayed frozen in front of the bathroom door. I didn’t want to walk in on whatever was going on in there, but I needed to get Jaejoong out of there before someone else did, because if anyone else caught them doing whatever they were doing, it wouldn’t be good for them at all. And as much as I truly cared about Yunho, Jaejoong had become my best friend over the years of us living together. I trusted him to save my ass if he could and so I was now going to save not only his, but Yunho’s as well. I backed up from the door quietly about a couple of feet and then I jogged to the door, making sure my footsteps were loud.
“Jaejoong! You’re wanted on set!” I yelled loudly once I got in front of the door and I waited about five seconds before wrapping my hand around the cold bathroom door handle. I pushed the door open and saw Jaejoong drying his hands with a paper towel, looking at me with those doe eyes shrouded in a look of curiosity.
“Ah, thank you, Yoochun! I hope I haven’t kept the photographer waiting too long.”
I kept the smile plastered on my face, forcing the corners of my lips up as I looked at Jaejoong. My eyes trailed to his lips…
“Ah…Yunho…”
I quickly cleared my throat.
“Oh, have you seen Yunho? I think he might be after you.” I swallowed the thick lump that had formed in the back of my throat when Jaejoong’s seductive voice echoed throughout my thoughts. At that moment, the toilet flushed and the only closed stall door opened a moment later to reveal a smiling Yunho, so calm, cool and collected.
“Sorry for disappearing on you guys. I went to talk to the director for a bit and then I had to use the restroom.” He smiled. He wasn’t looking at me though; he was looking at the wall behind me, but I didn’t need to notice that to know that he was lying. Jaejoong stifled a grin and then looked back at Yunho and then at me.
“Well I don’t want to keep him waiting longer than he has been. I’ll see you in a bit!” Jaejoong chirped as he exited the restroom. At this moment, Yunho was done washing and drying his hands and he was talking to me about something but I couldn’t hear him because my heartbeat was echoing in my ears along with Jaejoong’s voice.
“Let’s go meet up with the others, hmm?” Yunho smiled, reaching for the door behind me. He maybe pulled it about a couple of inches open before I slammed my body against the door, closing it shut again. He looked at me, his expression twisting from happy to extremely confused within seconds. “Something wrong, Yoochun?” I looked at Yunho, and I’m sure my eyes were piercing him, accusing him, because he took a step back and he immediately became concerned. “Yoochun? Are you--”
“I heard you. I heard it all,” The words were spilling out of me before I could stop it. I was talking so fast and so quietly that I immediately knew why I wasn’t yelling-- I was scared. I was scared what would happen if someone just happened to walk in on the conversation that Yunho and I were about to have, whether he liked it or not. And I was scared of the truth, which was funny because only a few days ago, I was accusing Yunho of being the very thing that I was now afraid to hear him admit to.
“Heard what?” Yunho asked, still playing stupid. I was about to say it loudly when I remembered how bad voices echoed in the bathroom, which is how I heard them in the first place. I sighed and then leaned in, my lips close to Yunho’s ear now.
“I heard kissing. And then I heard Jaejoong...moan. Yunho, the only one in this bathroom that he could have kissed was you.” I took a few seconds before I pulled away. Yunho looked at me long and hard.
Yunho and I had never really been extremely close before. Sure we were in the same group, but we had never fully bonded with each other. It was strange though because we still respected and loved each other. I had always felt bad that I’d never gotten the chance to really get to know Yunho and in this moment in time, I felt that I now knew him better than anyone else in the group-with the exception of Jaejoong, of course.
I returned his stare and finally let out the breath that I had been holding in.
“Yunho,” Here goes nothing. “Are you gay?”
Yunho swallowed hard as his eyes burned into mine. He was guarded, but he was thinking, I could tell. Then, before I had a chance to apologize for such an accusation, his eyes became sad. He then suddenly stood straight up and placed his hands to his sides as he held his head high, maintaining strong, solid eye contact the entire time. His jaw trembled slightly just for a second before he visibly clenched it tight. His tongue shot out to moisten his lips before opening his mouth to speak.
“Yes, Yoochun. I’m gay.” He whispered while his eyes quickly became glazed over with tears and he blinked rapidly to prevent them from falling. I was speechless. I wasn’t expecting him to confess to it so quickly. And then suddenly, everything began to make sense as Jaejoong’s voice shot through my head repeatedly:
“How do you feel about gays?”
“Ah damn. Yunho and I made plans to go out for dinner already.”
“It sounds like a date.” “You’re an idiot, Yoochun.”
“Ah…Yunho…”
“Oh my God…” was the only thing I could say. Yunho stood there, his gaze unwavering as his body and jaw trembled slightly. “Does…anyone else know?”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, taking a deep breath before answering.
“Other than Jaejoong, no one knows.”
Yunho had been alone this whole time, keeping this burden of a secret to himself because if anyone should find out, his career in Korea would be dead-and that was only the beginning of the bad. Yunho was stronger than I could have ever imagined. Not only would he constantly take on the burden of being the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki, but he was also hiding who he really was…ultimately in exchange for not only his dream but for ours as well. Thinking of it made me think of the day I was picked from the audition from SM, meaning I’d have to leave my little brother, Yoohwan, behind in the states while I returned to Korea. Yoohwan was so strong, telling me to go fulfill my dream and that he’d always be there for me no matter what.
I started to think ‘What if Yoohwan was gay?’. How would I react? Would it even matter? I already knew the answer: It wouldn’t. Yoohwan was my brother. I loved him unconditionally and if being gay was who he was then I was going to support him no matter what, just as he had supported me. I looked at Yunho-The leader, my group mate, my friend…and my brother, as vulnerable as I had ever seen him in my life.
I took a step forward and hugged him. He froze, becoming completely rigid as I held him tightly.
“Yunho, whatever you are, I’ll always support you. You’ll always be like a brother to me.” I whispered. Yunho breathed out, his breath completely shaky. I finally felt his arms wrap around me and he held me so tight that I thought I might pass out.
“Thank you, Yoochun… thank you.” He breathed.
We stayed there for another minute before we finally parted and rejoined the group. The next time Yunho and I made eye contact with each other, we both knew that those fifteen minutes in that bathroom had not only instilled a new found respect and love for each other. but that it brought us closer than we had ever thought possible...and I was so thankful for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PART 5!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! I have to say that at first, i didn't really like where it was going, but after I got to writing it, I really enjoyed it and i thought it was just a beautiful chapter all in all. I hope you all agree and thank you SO SO MUCH for being patient!!!! <3 <3