Putting my past under a microscope
So after getting pretty sick this past week and having a lot of time on my hands sitting in bed or here at the computer, I noticed I think extensively about my past. I really don't understand why I do, because I've accepted everything that's ever happened to me in terms of traumatic experiences. This ranges from my 56 broken bones in my life, the many deaths I've witnessed (some of which I have been present for), accidents, ridiculously consequential conversations, my accident in 2003 that resulted in me not being able to hear out of my right ear, as well as not being able to smell and taste, through my current status.
It seems to me that I have a tendency to really dwell on the past or hold onto these things without any real reason other than a reminder of what not do or what I should think twice about doing or even in some more severe cases, what never to mention again. Just things to keep locked up and never discuss or divulge... now that to me is hypocritical because I consider myself to be a very open person. But I guess that "openness" will really depend on the company I keep. That is to say, who I am speaking to, residing with, in a relationship with, whatever the case may be. So in essence it comes down to comfortability. I have that with a few people and I am thankful for that, but I sometimes feel as though I don't have that enough within myself to really be truly comfortable. Some of those things still haunt me to this very day, it just feels brooding now more than ever, as though I am going to explode from the vile festering of past memories boiling in my head.
I dislike that part of my persona, to be hypocritical like that and keep those skeletons chained inside my proverbial closet. Maybe someone that really takes the time to know me will find them out. I know in my past I've been an awful person, treated people poorly, even cruelly in some cases. I've used people for nothing else than selfish gains, I've severed close friendships because I felt they got too close, at least at that time and I couldn't handle it, I've cut people out of my life for no reason whatsoever except that I was "finished" with what I could use them for. It's so awful to say these things, but I have to put them down somewhere because I can't keep them in my head any longer.
The only thing I can say to those things is that I haven't done ANY of them in quite some time, going on three years. I'm happy I don't do that sort of thing anymore and I'm grateful for the person I've changed myself to becoming. I feel more secure now in my convictions, my emotions, my opinions, and most of all my choices. I'm more honest now with myself and others than I have been in years and I couldn't be more happy with that. I just feel as though if I had made those "changes" sooner in my life instead of just rolling with the punches so to speak I'd have more close friends now, more people I can go to, and potentially a lasting and meaningful relationship. Sometimes... it just makes me sad to look back... I definitely need to let go of a lot of these pent up feelings and scenarios... it's just been too long hiding in the shadows of my memory, maybe now I can finally reveal some of them... but only to those who actually want to know all of me.
Maybe some more later... for now I just need to quell my thoughts for the moment...
It seems to me that I have a tendency to really dwell on the past or hold onto these things without any real reason other than a reminder of what not do or what I should think twice about doing or even in some more severe cases, what never to mention again. Just things to keep locked up and never discuss or divulge... now that to me is hypocritical because I consider myself to be a very open person. But I guess that "openness" will really depend on the company I keep. That is to say, who I am speaking to, residing with, in a relationship with, whatever the case may be. So in essence it comes down to comfortability. I have that with a few people and I am thankful for that, but I sometimes feel as though I don't have that enough within myself to really be truly comfortable. Some of those things still haunt me to this very day, it just feels brooding now more than ever, as though I am going to explode from the vile festering of past memories boiling in my head.
I dislike that part of my persona, to be hypocritical like that and keep those skeletons chained inside my proverbial closet. Maybe someone that really takes the time to know me will find them out. I know in my past I've been an awful person, treated people poorly, even cruelly in some cases. I've used people for nothing else than selfish gains, I've severed close friendships because I felt they got too close, at least at that time and I couldn't handle it, I've cut people out of my life for no reason whatsoever except that I was "finished" with what I could use them for. It's so awful to say these things, but I have to put them down somewhere because I can't keep them in my head any longer.
The only thing I can say to those things is that I haven't done ANY of them in quite some time, going on three years. I'm happy I don't do that sort of thing anymore and I'm grateful for the person I've changed myself to becoming. I feel more secure now in my convictions, my emotions, my opinions, and most of all my choices. I'm more honest now with myself and others than I have been in years and I couldn't be more happy with that. I just feel as though if I had made those "changes" sooner in my life instead of just rolling with the punches so to speak I'd have more close friends now, more people I can go to, and potentially a lasting and meaningful relationship. Sometimes... it just makes me sad to look back... I definitely need to let go of a lot of these pent up feelings and scenarios... it's just been too long hiding in the shadows of my memory, maybe now I can finally reveal some of them... but only to those who actually want to know all of me.
Maybe some more later... for now I just need to quell my thoughts for the moment...