It has been so long...
So thanks to a friend I have rediscovered my livejournal. I am appreciative of it considering I used to enjoy writing in here quite a bit. Well maybe not quite a bit, but frequently enough to spill my thoughts onto this digital canvas. Ah, where to begin...
Well, much has changed. Reviewing my last entry I wrote that I had been declined by FSU. Well, that is true, but I received a phone call a few weeks later asking to study there, I graciously accepted. Although I did turn down a substantial amount of help from Syracuse University (including a teaching position), I do not regret coming down here. I can't think of being in a better place educationally right now, at least as far as the United States is concerned. Bruce Holzman might be a tough skinned, hard nosed, brutally honest son of a bitch, but he makes you a better guitar player. I have gone back and listened to how I sounded during my days at Mansfield and in turn listened to how I sound now. I don't recognize my "old" style of playing at all. I have made significant increases in my technical, musical, and overall abilities with my instrument.
Speaking of new instruments, I have been through two guitars since Mansfield. One of them being an Australian made SImon Marty, which albeit is a good instrument it was just not good for my aesthetic. Consequently I have sold it. I was then playing on my 2001 Rodrigo Moreira again which felt great but I most certainly still needed a new guitar. I spoke with Thomas Humphrey (Bruce's close friend) about getting a new instrument. After many exchanges we decided on what I needed and in February of 2008 I had a new guitar. I couldn't be happier with this instrument. Almost 100 year old wood on the back and sides, as well as being a Cedar double-top with his Millennium design. Simply astounding and probably the best Humphrey built (his words, not mine).
But in regards to Tom and his guitars, he passed away a few weeks ago from a massive heart attack. RIP Thomas Humphrey, your memory will forever be carried in the hearts of anyone that knew you and those that have had the distinct pleasure of being granted one of your guitars. Why do I bring this up? Well, considering that my guitar is one of the last he ever built, not to mention one of three double-tops he built.... EVER; it has caused me some stress since hearing that unfortunate news. Now why stressful? Well.. I paid $12,000 for it and now the value has significantly increased, upwards to $40,000... this leaves me in a very difficult situation. That being, do I put the guitar away as to not have anything happen to it? Or do I continue to play it and take the risks of an accident? The problem really is, if something does happen to it (hopefully not) then who do I get to fix it? No one can really "fix" a guitar once something has happened to it, the guitar just won't be the same! On the flip side... I know that Tom would want his guitars to be played because that's why he made them. I shouldn't really worry about something happening to it and instead just play my heart out. I much rather like this option, but the fact of the matter is that of course I'm going to worry at least a little bit, just because I care about the guitar and of course Tom spoke to several dealers about the guitar he sent me, stating how proud he was of it and how much he wanted to see how it turned out. I must say... the guitar is a work of art. It's sound is so lyrical and it's volume is absolutely ridiculous. I've never heard a louder Humphrey, nor have I ever heard such "life" in a guitar before. It's kind of amazing. I hope to have some recordings of it here fairly soon to share!
Moving on, even more depressing news though, my Grandmother passed last November (2007) from cancer and other ailments. This struck me so hard that I still don't have quite the words to express my feelings for the situation. She has probably been the only person in my life who has ever been there for me 110% regardless of the situation or consequence. I guess this is where I get my immense generosity from and genuinely compassionate nature for others. I'm happy that she's now not in pain anymore and watching her loved ones carry on happily because of what she's done for all of us. She pretty much paid for my guitar, even though it was never asked for, and she's always provided me with a safe haven whenever I needed it. Whether it was to get away from friends, my immediate family, or just needed a place to stay. I hope that she's happy in her final resting place, because I wouldn't want it any other way... I love and miss you Grandma.... so much.
Progressing now to a more current status. I am living by myself in Tallahassee, with a nice apartment and surroundings, close to the school. I couldn't be happier with my location or anything, but I guess the reasons I'm here should be divulged. I was dating someone from November 2006 until July 2007. I moved in with her and things were great... for a time. I couldn't have been happier with my life during those times, guitar was going well, relationship was going well, life in general was good. I think over time though I must admit I started to draw away from the relationship. I know part of it was because I was playing World of Warcraft (I have since quit video games), and I wound up ignoring the foundation of which that relationship was started... trust, honesty, and attention. It wasn't intentional, but I also didn't realize I was doing it until WAY later. I didn't cheat or anything, but I do believe I lied. How did I lie you might ask? Well because I said things she "wanted to hear" just to keep things neutral and happy. That never works, but I wasn't really concerned with the consequences like I should have been, in the process I lied to her and myself about our feelings. More pointedly, my feelings... this isn't to say that they changed, because I didn't feel like they did but I just wasn't fighting for what I wanted (that being the relationship itself). As a result, after our visit to Chicago to see her friend in late June, we broke up and I got kicked out in early July. I had all my belongings out of there in less than 24 hours, all into a new apartment.
Now this isn't the most happy of resolutions but it was necessary to make her happy, because she wasn't when I was around and I don't blame her. I was detached, unemotional, and just seemingly uncaring. Most of that is due to the game I was playing that took over my schedule (addiction sucks). As a result I didn't fight for what I wanted. What I wanted was to still be with her (I don't anymore because that's long since over), I know I'm a fighter, that's my nature so why didn't I fight at the time that this happened? That was the question that haunted me for a long time. It tormented me, my emotions, and my overall well-being. Anything I said was meaningless now because she threw her walls back up and I no way of getting that trust and friendship back, and I still don't. Too little too late is how to best describe it, but I don't regret it because I wouldn't be how I am not if it weren't for realizing all of what happened with that hap-hazard relationship (in the end anyway).
After a few months battling depression (without anti-depressants thank you very much) I started to pretty much become a hermit. I shut myself off from 99% of all human contact I could just because I didn't want to be hurt, or rather, hurt myself anymore than I already have. I took that relationship very seriously as well as the consequences. I just needed to think and look introspectively as to what I did and what I needed to change about who I was, how I acted, and most importantly how I really treated people. The conclusions I came to is that I was not who I wanted to be, nor did I act like who I was, and even more how badly I actually treated others... even those who cared for me deeply. It was only then that I realized I needed to reinvent who I was. I know that I am a caring, genuine, sincere, loving, and most of all honest person. I don't portray anything else but this now. These are things I know about myself and are completely willing to share with anyone who will take the time to get to know me, even slightly. I don't enjoy playing mind games with anyone (I haven't for quite some time) and I respect those that can be brutally honest with me because I won't be anything but brutally honest with them. If you can handle what I can say to you and think about it for more than 2 seconds to say "Fuck you," then I'll respect and trust you until you give me some reason not to. Don't ever let me catch you lying to me because you won't have a head to speak with when I'm done letting you know EXACTLY what I think of what you've done. I can't stand that, I can't stand hypocrites either. It just bothers me like no tomorrow.
Obviously if you've read this far you can guess that I am single. People do ask me though, "Why and how are you single? You're such a good person!" To be honest I don't really have an answer. I guess I could cop it out to "Nice guys finish last" but that's pretty much bullshit. Nice guys usually don't even enter the race to try and make a spot in the race to begin with. That being said, you could say I'm a nice guy in the race to win, but it just doesn't usually come out that way. I think this is partially due to the fact that my actions are often misinterpreted as being overbearing, clingy, needy, etc.. Now I know this isn't the case because I"m not any of those things. I admit my personality is very strong, but please don't assume things about me and my actions without asking me. If you ask me, you might be pleasantly surprised to know that what I meant and what I say are quite in line and I have no ulterior motives or intentions. I can't state this enough... I'm a genuine person. I'm sorry that you've never met someone who is ACTUALLY NICE and means it, but I guess that would mean it's time a for a change for you yeah?
Now, do I like being single? No, I don't think anyone does. I will admit to having met a few potential people that I wouldn't mind dating, but I don't know if that will ever happen. That's unfortunate but I can't really do anything to change it. You can't force a meaningful relationship, nor can you change someones' mind about a situation unless they want it just as much as you do. I am ready to be in a committed, meaningful relationship, but I need to find someone who is there too, who wants that honesty, trust, loyalty, sincere, genuine, and just overall meaningful companionship. That's just real hard to find, but I won't settle for anything less.
Finally to my views on how my life is thus far... I can't really complain. Things have been going pretty well lately, despite the fact that I'm still single and just got fairly sick yesterday; but in time that will change. I'm sure I'll post here more frequently now that I tend to read and think a lot more than I did previously. Hope anyone and everyone who reads it enjoys it. So long for now... :)
Well, much has changed. Reviewing my last entry I wrote that I had been declined by FSU. Well, that is true, but I received a phone call a few weeks later asking to study there, I graciously accepted. Although I did turn down a substantial amount of help from Syracuse University (including a teaching position), I do not regret coming down here. I can't think of being in a better place educationally right now, at least as far as the United States is concerned. Bruce Holzman might be a tough skinned, hard nosed, brutally honest son of a bitch, but he makes you a better guitar player. I have gone back and listened to how I sounded during my days at Mansfield and in turn listened to how I sound now. I don't recognize my "old" style of playing at all. I have made significant increases in my technical, musical, and overall abilities with my instrument.
Speaking of new instruments, I have been through two guitars since Mansfield. One of them being an Australian made SImon Marty, which albeit is a good instrument it was just not good for my aesthetic. Consequently I have sold it. I was then playing on my 2001 Rodrigo Moreira again which felt great but I most certainly still needed a new guitar. I spoke with Thomas Humphrey (Bruce's close friend) about getting a new instrument. After many exchanges we decided on what I needed and in February of 2008 I had a new guitar. I couldn't be happier with this instrument. Almost 100 year old wood on the back and sides, as well as being a Cedar double-top with his Millennium design. Simply astounding and probably the best Humphrey built (his words, not mine).
But in regards to Tom and his guitars, he passed away a few weeks ago from a massive heart attack. RIP Thomas Humphrey, your memory will forever be carried in the hearts of anyone that knew you and those that have had the distinct pleasure of being granted one of your guitars. Why do I bring this up? Well, considering that my guitar is one of the last he ever built, not to mention one of three double-tops he built.... EVER; it has caused me some stress since hearing that unfortunate news. Now why stressful? Well.. I paid $12,000 for it and now the value has significantly increased, upwards to $40,000... this leaves me in a very difficult situation. That being, do I put the guitar away as to not have anything happen to it? Or do I continue to play it and take the risks of an accident? The problem really is, if something does happen to it (hopefully not) then who do I get to fix it? No one can really "fix" a guitar once something has happened to it, the guitar just won't be the same! On the flip side... I know that Tom would want his guitars to be played because that's why he made them. I shouldn't really worry about something happening to it and instead just play my heart out. I much rather like this option, but the fact of the matter is that of course I'm going to worry at least a little bit, just because I care about the guitar and of course Tom spoke to several dealers about the guitar he sent me, stating how proud he was of it and how much he wanted to see how it turned out. I must say... the guitar is a work of art. It's sound is so lyrical and it's volume is absolutely ridiculous. I've never heard a louder Humphrey, nor have I ever heard such "life" in a guitar before. It's kind of amazing. I hope to have some recordings of it here fairly soon to share!
Moving on, even more depressing news though, my Grandmother passed last November (2007) from cancer and other ailments. This struck me so hard that I still don't have quite the words to express my feelings for the situation. She has probably been the only person in my life who has ever been there for me 110% regardless of the situation or consequence. I guess this is where I get my immense generosity from and genuinely compassionate nature for others. I'm happy that she's now not in pain anymore and watching her loved ones carry on happily because of what she's done for all of us. She pretty much paid for my guitar, even though it was never asked for, and she's always provided me with a safe haven whenever I needed it. Whether it was to get away from friends, my immediate family, or just needed a place to stay. I hope that she's happy in her final resting place, because I wouldn't want it any other way... I love and miss you Grandma.... so much.
Progressing now to a more current status. I am living by myself in Tallahassee, with a nice apartment and surroundings, close to the school. I couldn't be happier with my location or anything, but I guess the reasons I'm here should be divulged. I was dating someone from November 2006 until July 2007. I moved in with her and things were great... for a time. I couldn't have been happier with my life during those times, guitar was going well, relationship was going well, life in general was good. I think over time though I must admit I started to draw away from the relationship. I know part of it was because I was playing World of Warcraft (I have since quit video games), and I wound up ignoring the foundation of which that relationship was started... trust, honesty, and attention. It wasn't intentional, but I also didn't realize I was doing it until WAY later. I didn't cheat or anything, but I do believe I lied. How did I lie you might ask? Well because I said things she "wanted to hear" just to keep things neutral and happy. That never works, but I wasn't really concerned with the consequences like I should have been, in the process I lied to her and myself about our feelings. More pointedly, my feelings... this isn't to say that they changed, because I didn't feel like they did but I just wasn't fighting for what I wanted (that being the relationship itself). As a result, after our visit to Chicago to see her friend in late June, we broke up and I got kicked out in early July. I had all my belongings out of there in less than 24 hours, all into a new apartment.
Now this isn't the most happy of resolutions but it was necessary to make her happy, because she wasn't when I was around and I don't blame her. I was detached, unemotional, and just seemingly uncaring. Most of that is due to the game I was playing that took over my schedule (addiction sucks). As a result I didn't fight for what I wanted. What I wanted was to still be with her (I don't anymore because that's long since over), I know I'm a fighter, that's my nature so why didn't I fight at the time that this happened? That was the question that haunted me for a long time. It tormented me, my emotions, and my overall well-being. Anything I said was meaningless now because she threw her walls back up and I no way of getting that trust and friendship back, and I still don't. Too little too late is how to best describe it, but I don't regret it because I wouldn't be how I am not if it weren't for realizing all of what happened with that hap-hazard relationship (in the end anyway).
After a few months battling depression (without anti-depressants thank you very much) I started to pretty much become a hermit. I shut myself off from 99% of all human contact I could just because I didn't want to be hurt, or rather, hurt myself anymore than I already have. I took that relationship very seriously as well as the consequences. I just needed to think and look introspectively as to what I did and what I needed to change about who I was, how I acted, and most importantly how I really treated people. The conclusions I came to is that I was not who I wanted to be, nor did I act like who I was, and even more how badly I actually treated others... even those who cared for me deeply. It was only then that I realized I needed to reinvent who I was. I know that I am a caring, genuine, sincere, loving, and most of all honest person. I don't portray anything else but this now. These are things I know about myself and are completely willing to share with anyone who will take the time to get to know me, even slightly. I don't enjoy playing mind games with anyone (I haven't for quite some time) and I respect those that can be brutally honest with me because I won't be anything but brutally honest with them. If you can handle what I can say to you and think about it for more than 2 seconds to say "Fuck you," then I'll respect and trust you until you give me some reason not to. Don't ever let me catch you lying to me because you won't have a head to speak with when I'm done letting you know EXACTLY what I think of what you've done. I can't stand that, I can't stand hypocrites either. It just bothers me like no tomorrow.
Obviously if you've read this far you can guess that I am single. People do ask me though, "Why and how are you single? You're such a good person!" To be honest I don't really have an answer. I guess I could cop it out to "Nice guys finish last" but that's pretty much bullshit. Nice guys usually don't even enter the race to try and make a spot in the race to begin with. That being said, you could say I'm a nice guy in the race to win, but it just doesn't usually come out that way. I think this is partially due to the fact that my actions are often misinterpreted as being overbearing, clingy, needy, etc.. Now I know this isn't the case because I"m not any of those things. I admit my personality is very strong, but please don't assume things about me and my actions without asking me. If you ask me, you might be pleasantly surprised to know that what I meant and what I say are quite in line and I have no ulterior motives or intentions. I can't state this enough... I'm a genuine person. I'm sorry that you've never met someone who is ACTUALLY NICE and means it, but I guess that would mean it's time a for a change for you yeah?
Now, do I like being single? No, I don't think anyone does. I will admit to having met a few potential people that I wouldn't mind dating, but I don't know if that will ever happen. That's unfortunate but I can't really do anything to change it. You can't force a meaningful relationship, nor can you change someones' mind about a situation unless they want it just as much as you do. I am ready to be in a committed, meaningful relationship, but I need to find someone who is there too, who wants that honesty, trust, loyalty, sincere, genuine, and just overall meaningful companionship. That's just real hard to find, but I won't settle for anything less.
Finally to my views on how my life is thus far... I can't really complain. Things have been going pretty well lately, despite the fact that I'm still single and just got fairly sick yesterday; but in time that will change. I'm sure I'll post here more frequently now that I tend to read and think a lot more than I did previously. Hope anyone and everyone who reads it enjoys it. So long for now... :)