It's a long way from yesterday to where i am today
it's 4 in the morning. and I have been trying to write a stupid 2 page reflection since midnight.
Instead, I am chain smoking and lighting leaves on fire.
It's official, I give up on this semester. I blame it on the knowledge that I can't fix anything --the only thing I can do is make it worse by not trying. Trying will get me nowhere, it'll just prevent me from completely failing. I just have to keep telling myself that it's ok to graduate in 5 years...and that student loans won't be that bad. I'm alright academically. I can work this out. I only fucked up one semester.
It's my real life that I'm concerned about. well...not my life specifically -- everyone elses. My friends' drama is my own...and my friends' drama could make a lot of cash on daytime television. When did it all become so complicated? Technically...my life is drama free, right? There's Ben...I sorta like him. nah, I like him quite a bit. for no reason. I barely know him...nah...he's my friend. and a good one i guess. but we could never have a real relationship. We never see each other except for late at night. and do you know what happens late at night? that's what we do. We haven't had sex yet...but we might...we've come close already. and I would be ok with that :o) even casually...no strings attached. I'd do it....did I just say that?
Wait...when did I stop caring? This semester has changed me so much. I smoke. I drink. I've had sex. I'm failing. and I don't care. How did that happen? When did that happen? I guess I grew up. Like just now. suprise.
Jenny, one of my best friends used to have a simple life too. Now she does not. She slept with another guy while dating Jeffery. The guy she was supposed to marry. The guy that was the pastor's son....the guys thats gonna be a youth pastor someday. The guy that is crushed because his father slept with another woman while being a pastor. Jenny did that same thing to him. She cheated. And she does not care. What the hell happened to her? what happened to us? We are much much closer than we used to be....but look at the circumstances. In her world's standards, she's fucked. bad. but I love her. And I love her more for it for some reason.
And...suprisingly...I love my life like this. I drink and I have fun. I do things with guys and I feel loved. I have real friends. They love me. I love them. I've never felt this way before. I am loved for who I am no matter how often I seem to be changing.
Alan has some complex issues...but I face the same kind. Alan + Jake = Jenn + Ben. It's kinda cool. We have so much to talk about. He's the coolest ever. We talked at Linda's for forever when I came home for T-Day. It was amazing. I love him for who he is. And he loves me too.
Kim and Allison have issues, and some insane issues at that. Babies, Lesbianism, cheating partners, you name it...Kim's dealing with it. Allison has emotional issues that need attention. And I love those two with all of my heart. because I feel involved, and I can help. I love them and they know it and they love me. We are a tight knit group.
Lexie is growing up so fast. I wish I could be there often enough that she'd actually remember her godmomma. I love her.
Even though I never thought I'd turn out as horrible as I am (according to my standards, and my church's standards) I feel more alive, happy and loved than I have ever felt before. And I think it's because I am living reality instead of the facade of a life that my parents encouraged me partake in. I love seeing real live life.
I see people die everyday. Char died today...and Johanna is probably dying tonight. It's an eye opener. I want to be happy. I like who I am. I like being querky, I like being silly, I like being drunk, and I like where my life is going -- emotionally that is.
But if I keep going like this....I don't know when...but I will break. Along with these high ups, come insanely low downs. I feel more guilt than I have ever felt because my actions come with consequences. If I continue this way -- I can say goodbye to getting my BSN and being a nurse. ... and the more I enjoy my life, the less of a chance I have to reconcile with my family...which is something I want to do someday. Can you blame me for wanting to have a mom to talk to about things? and a dad who's always supportive? Maybe I can have that when I have kids. They would like grandkids. I want my kids to have a Grandma and Grandpa. it would be fun.
I just have to remember that my actions have consequenses. and I am walking on very thin ice. I can handle it. I'm pretty sure.
Instead, I am chain smoking and lighting leaves on fire.
It's official, I give up on this semester. I blame it on the knowledge that I can't fix anything --the only thing I can do is make it worse by not trying. Trying will get me nowhere, it'll just prevent me from completely failing. I just have to keep telling myself that it's ok to graduate in 5 years...and that student loans won't be that bad. I'm alright academically. I can work this out. I only fucked up one semester.
It's my real life that I'm concerned about. well...not my life specifically -- everyone elses. My friends' drama is my own...and my friends' drama could make a lot of cash on daytime television. When did it all become so complicated? Technically...my life is drama free, right? There's Ben...I sorta like him. nah, I like him quite a bit. for no reason. I barely know him...nah...he's my friend. and a good one i guess. but we could never have a real relationship. We never see each other except for late at night. and do you know what happens late at night? that's what we do. We haven't had sex yet...but we might...we've come close already. and I would be ok with that :o) even casually...no strings attached. I'd do it....did I just say that?
Wait...when did I stop caring? This semester has changed me so much. I smoke. I drink. I've had sex. I'm failing. and I don't care. How did that happen? When did that happen? I guess I grew up. Like just now. suprise.
Jenny, one of my best friends used to have a simple life too. Now she does not. She slept with another guy while dating Jeffery. The guy she was supposed to marry. The guy that was the pastor's son....the guys thats gonna be a youth pastor someday. The guy that is crushed because his father slept with another woman while being a pastor. Jenny did that same thing to him. She cheated. And she does not care. What the hell happened to her? what happened to us? We are much much closer than we used to be....but look at the circumstances. In her world's standards, she's fucked. bad. but I love her. And I love her more for it for some reason.
And...suprisingly...I love my life like this. I drink and I have fun. I do things with guys and I feel loved. I have real friends. They love me. I love them. I've never felt this way before. I am loved for who I am no matter how often I seem to be changing.
Alan has some complex issues...but I face the same kind. Alan + Jake = Jenn + Ben. It's kinda cool. We have so much to talk about. He's the coolest ever. We talked at Linda's for forever when I came home for T-Day. It was amazing. I love him for who he is. And he loves me too.
Kim and Allison have issues, and some insane issues at that. Babies, Lesbianism, cheating partners, you name it...Kim's dealing with it. Allison has emotional issues that need attention. And I love those two with all of my heart. because I feel involved, and I can help. I love them and they know it and they love me. We are a tight knit group.
Lexie is growing up so fast. I wish I could be there often enough that she'd actually remember her godmomma. I love her.
Even though I never thought I'd turn out as horrible as I am (according to my standards, and my church's standards) I feel more alive, happy and loved than I have ever felt before. And I think it's because I am living reality instead of the facade of a life that my parents encouraged me partake in. I love seeing real live life.
I see people die everyday. Char died today...and Johanna is probably dying tonight. It's an eye opener. I want to be happy. I like who I am. I like being querky, I like being silly, I like being drunk, and I like where my life is going -- emotionally that is.
But if I keep going like this....I don't know when...but I will break. Along with these high ups, come insanely low downs. I feel more guilt than I have ever felt because my actions come with consequences. If I continue this way -- I can say goodbye to getting my BSN and being a nurse. ... and the more I enjoy my life, the less of a chance I have to reconcile with my family...which is something I want to do someday. Can you blame me for wanting to have a mom to talk to about things? and a dad who's always supportive? Maybe I can have that when I have kids. They would like grandkids. I want my kids to have a Grandma and Grandpa. it would be fun.
I just have to remember that my actions have consequenses. and I am walking on very thin ice. I can handle it. I'm pretty sure.