My year
I almost forgot that this was my year, the year of the Tiger. When it started, I was convinced that it was going to be such an awesome year. But my boyfriend broke up with me and the dance company I danced for showed me how much I was appreciated, necessitating that I never ever dance for them again. And when you think about it, that's my life in shambles right there. That tiger was captured and skinned and hung on the tall sticks for all the world to see.
What amazes me though is that I'm still alive, and when I think about it, I'm happy. Big personal catastrophes aside, I have to admit that this is indeed my year. For the first time since I was hired at this day job of mine, I feel fulfilled and challenged and happy. Sure, it kills any opportunity to take 5:30 ballet class on a regular basis, but for the first time, I don't resent that I had to skip rehearsal because I had to stay in the meeting or work overtime.
That said, I can say that the need to dance may have been too too much. I was using dance to fill the void in my chest after I broke my heart. The high from dancing simulated that high I had from being head over heels in love for the last six years and like any addict, withdrawal was unbearable. I know this for a fact and can look at it responsibly now, having realized it after my seemingly-inexplicable depression when Swan Lake ended.
It was time to let dancing professionally (well, semi-professionally) go. Waya pointed out to me that it's not as if I don't have any chances of dancing otherwise, and that's not only so true but also so wise. Letting PBT go gave me the opportunity to better appreciate my school, and dancing for my school. I used to think, feh, it's just my school, it doesn't matter - I want to bonk my head with a hammer when I think of how narrow minded I was. It doesn't matter who you dance for, dance your best all the time. All dancing counts, all dancing matters. Primarily, I dance for myself - no matter who's watching, I have to make myself happy.
This applies to real life, too. Sure, it sucks if someone doesn't love me the way he used to anymore, and it sucks that maybe nobody will love me in that big way again or make it last forever. But it doesn't mean I can't find happiness anyway. Happiness is your dogs bowing at your feet for attention. Happiness is Jalapeno Cheetos and a Bones marathon. Happiness is an empty inbox. Happiness is hearing my sister's boss assuring me that online magazines is where it's at these days.
Happiness is giggling with friends over the Henley Regatta scene in the Social Network. Happiness is ticking off an item from your to-do list and eagerly looking forward to the next one. Happiness is impromptu Makati dinners with Jacqui before heading home. Happiness is the Battle of the Mice and Soldiers.
Happiness is hearing Berry call me "Ninang!" And even "Joe!"
Happiness is plopping two PLs on Pao's desk. Happiness is Mom's pesto cream pasta. Happiness is shopping along Granville road. Happiness is the iPad. Like I told Daddy, it's the best thing I bought this year.
Of course, happiness is also the fact that I've had some of my absolute best dancing this year, and that feeling that I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. And while I may not yet forgive him for loving himself more than loving me for a good part of this year, and there are still points this year where he made me feel severely depressed, I have to say that there are other times that he made me very happy too.
So it was still an awesome year. Just not the way I imagined it to be. Happy new year, everyone.
What amazes me though is that I'm still alive, and when I think about it, I'm happy. Big personal catastrophes aside, I have to admit that this is indeed my year. For the first time since I was hired at this day job of mine, I feel fulfilled and challenged and happy. Sure, it kills any opportunity to take 5:30 ballet class on a regular basis, but for the first time, I don't resent that I had to skip rehearsal because I had to stay in the meeting or work overtime.
That said, I can say that the need to dance may have been too too much. I was using dance to fill the void in my chest after I broke my heart. The high from dancing simulated that high I had from being head over heels in love for the last six years and like any addict, withdrawal was unbearable. I know this for a fact and can look at it responsibly now, having realized it after my seemingly-inexplicable depression when Swan Lake ended.
It was time to let dancing professionally (well, semi-professionally) go. Waya pointed out to me that it's not as if I don't have any chances of dancing otherwise, and that's not only so true but also so wise. Letting PBT go gave me the opportunity to better appreciate my school, and dancing for my school. I used to think, feh, it's just my school, it doesn't matter - I want to bonk my head with a hammer when I think of how narrow minded I was. It doesn't matter who you dance for, dance your best all the time. All dancing counts, all dancing matters. Primarily, I dance for myself - no matter who's watching, I have to make myself happy.
This applies to real life, too. Sure, it sucks if someone doesn't love me the way he used to anymore, and it sucks that maybe nobody will love me in that big way again or make it last forever. But it doesn't mean I can't find happiness anyway. Happiness is your dogs bowing at your feet for attention. Happiness is Jalapeno Cheetos and a Bones marathon. Happiness is an empty inbox. Happiness is hearing my sister's boss assuring me that online magazines is where it's at these days.
Happiness is giggling with friends over the Henley Regatta scene in the Social Network. Happiness is ticking off an item from your to-do list and eagerly looking forward to the next one. Happiness is impromptu Makati dinners with Jacqui before heading home. Happiness is the Battle of the Mice and Soldiers.
Happiness is hearing Berry call me "Ninang!" And even "Joe!"
Happiness is plopping two PLs on Pao's desk. Happiness is Mom's pesto cream pasta. Happiness is shopping along Granville road. Happiness is the iPad. Like I told Daddy, it's the best thing I bought this year.
Of course, happiness is also the fact that I've had some of my absolute best dancing this year, and that feeling that I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. And while I may not yet forgive him for loving himself more than loving me for a good part of this year, and there are still points this year where he made me feel severely depressed, I have to say that there are other times that he made me very happy too.
So it was still an awesome year. Just not the way I imagined it to be. Happy new year, everyone.