Mar 23, 2006 21:56
so, kids, tomorrow I will be off the Ranch for a full week and a half, and what a relief it will be! I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. Too much drama is not good for this mama. Early Saturday morning I will board a plane and set out on a journey to Central America. I'm going on a medical mission to Honduras which I'm super freaked out about because I know, like, NO Spanish. It will be interesting. And I feel like a lazy fuck for wasting the entire year and not learning any Spanish. I'm not working up to par. Shit, I'm not even at school and already falling behind academically. My self-education is only working somewhat. I've mostly been reading very ephemeral, philosophical books that make me depressed and think too much. Ah, regrets. Why can't I just do the things I need to do instead of avoiding them until they cause such serious problems?
I had a really rough night. I wanted to take only pleasant, lovely memories on my trip, but tonight has proved that sufficiently impossible. If only I can avoid one certain person until I leave, all will be good. If only I can stop the hurt. Impossible.
Tonight was the first night of my LIFE I actually thought I didn't feel like living anymore, which is sick and melodramatic, but just to put the depth of my pain into context. I promise never to think of that again. I wanted my mama so badly. God I hate this growing up shit. Can't I just know everything and get over everything already? Why must these learning processes/experiences exist?
TOday was so good, and then everything just soured.