(no subject)
Ugh. I am sick of looking at that stupid torture post. Somewhere along the line, I lost my ability to really reason. To think things through. Or maybe I was just kidding myself thinking that I ever really had it.
Anyway. I remembered t'other day that irritability and sleepiness, or at least, trouble with your sleep patterns, are often cited as symptoms of depression. Golly gee. Perhaps that somewhat accounts for why I feel like I am walking around in a permanent fog of tiredness and am pissed off most, if not all, of the time.
This is so boring.
Let me try something else. I don't feel like I was born in the right time. I get kind of freaked out when I walk through the mall. Partly it is because I don't really like being around people, and I walk with really perfect posture and my head up and my eyes almost unfocused on some middle ground because I feel so tense being around people who are potentially looking at me. Even if I try to tell myself that everyone else is so busy paying attention to their own things that no one is scrutinizing me, I still feel really tense. And then I also have this feeling of displacement. I just can't believe that I spend time in a place like, for instance, the mall that adjoins my office building. I kind of can't even believe it exists. It seems incomprehensible to me that human beings would deliberately builda structure like that, decorate it like it is, pipe in the kind of music that they pipe in, and then proceed to purposely spend time in it, wandering around, hanging out, buying things. I don't understand. I don't understand the way people dress, the way they move, the way they talk, the way they talk on cell phones. Totally bizarre. I don't know what to do with my own body and mind when I am in a space that makes me feel this way. It isn't permanent; it isn't about every modern place. It does freak me out and make me very sad.
Anyway. I remembered t'other day that irritability and sleepiness, or at least, trouble with your sleep patterns, are often cited as symptoms of depression. Golly gee. Perhaps that somewhat accounts for why I feel like I am walking around in a permanent fog of tiredness and am pissed off most, if not all, of the time.
This is so boring.
Let me try something else. I don't feel like I was born in the right time. I get kind of freaked out when I walk through the mall. Partly it is because I don't really like being around people, and I walk with really perfect posture and my head up and my eyes almost unfocused on some middle ground because I feel so tense being around people who are potentially looking at me. Even if I try to tell myself that everyone else is so busy paying attention to their own things that no one is scrutinizing me, I still feel really tense. And then I also have this feeling of displacement. I just can't believe that I spend time in a place like, for instance, the mall that adjoins my office building. I kind of can't even believe it exists. It seems incomprehensible to me that human beings would deliberately builda structure like that, decorate it like it is, pipe in the kind of music that they pipe in, and then proceed to purposely spend time in it, wandering around, hanging out, buying things. I don't understand. I don't understand the way people dress, the way they move, the way they talk, the way they talk on cell phones. Totally bizarre. I don't know what to do with my own body and mind when I am in a space that makes me feel this way. It isn't permanent; it isn't about every modern place. It does freak me out and make me very sad.