SG1 Fic: Victim of Disorganized Thinking
Title: Victim of Disorganized Thinking
Author: abyssinia4077
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Characters: Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, Sam Carter
Rating/Warning: PG (mild language)
Word Count: 1337
Author's Note: Wizard of Oz related crack!fic written in celebration of the 200th watcher of redial_the_gate
Summary: Jack finds himself stuck in a mindgame that's a little too familiar. Flying monkeys and red sequined combat boots don't make it better.
On the fourth day Jack gave up and shot the munchkin.
It was the 100th repetition of the lollipop song that made him snap. The little man with the freaky nose and the bright green overalls fizzled like static on an old tv set and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
When another one appeared five minutes later, this time in red polka-dot suspenders, Jack found the nearest tree to bang his head against.
It didn't help.
*****
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" A bell-like voice asked behind him as he was trying to decide which tree to climb for a better view.
Jack whirled around to find himself face to face with a woman in a long white dress out of some Disney movie.
"I've been telling you people, I'm not a..." Her forehead creased in puzzlement and he gave up. "Oh, for cryin', you know what? I am a witch. A very, very, very bad witch."
"Then you do not belong in munchkin land," she said, sounding sad as she raised her wand.
"No, no I don't," he snapped, belatedly bringing up his P-90 in a fruitless attempt to block her wand. The entire world dissolved into something bright and white and sparkly.
When he woke up he was back in the house with the black dog yipping at his feet. "You know, Toto, I never liked Kansas much."
*****
He was halfway through the poppy field when Daniel's voice called from the sky, "Jack?"
Jack turned around, but Daniel was nowhere to be seen. "Daniel?" he shouted, feeling like an idiot.
"You can hear me?" Daniel exclaimed. "Great, that's great."
"Yeah, real great. Can you get me out of here?"
"Um. Just a minute." Jack heard muttering, as though the clouds were talking, and then Daniel's voice came through again. "Ah, so it took several days for Sam to rig it so we can talk to you and...where are you?"
"Oz."
"Huh?"
"You know. Muchkins. Poppy fields. Flying monkeys. Dancing scarecrows. Emerald city," Jack shouted. "Oz."
"Weird. Okay, so from what I've been able to translate, the device is supposed to help someone learn about themselves or...find what they want most or...possibly grow a third arm. The language is a bit strange," Daniel told him.
"Peachy. So what if what I want is to get out of here?"
"Uh, I think you can't fool it that easily."
"Damnit, Daniel, just pull the plug."
"Uh, Colonel?" Carter's voice came through. "I think that would be a bad idea. We're not sure it wouldn't kill you."
"So how do I get out of this circus?" Jack asked. "Because if they sing to me about lollipops one more time..."
Which is when the giant, blue flying monkey swooped down and grabbed him. They always appeared when he let himself get distracted.
****
Teal'c had a shiny suit of armor and a pointy hat and an axe and, really, made a ridiculous looking tin-man. But the axe looked sharp enough that Jack thought he should keep that opinion to himself.
"C'mon, T, you have a heart," Jack told him, after using the oil can from under the apple tree.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, moving his axe-arm and grimacing (as much as Teal'c grimaced) at the squeak of old metal. "But I thought the axe might prove a valuable weapon. I have heard the flying monkeys can be dangerous."
Jack shrugged. "I've had worse. So, I assume Daniel is going to be the Lion? Because neither he nor Carter can fake not having a brain."
Teal'c looked askance at him.
"You know? The scarecrow? If I only had a brain?" Jack only barely stopped himself from singing it.
"That would not be necessary. Major Carter can only have one of us join you at a time. Now where is the road of yellow bricks?"
****
Jack watched the yellow road fade from bricks to a winding, tiny line as the damn monkey flew higher and higher. Teal'c was down there somewhere, maybe, unless Carter had pulled him out. "Okay. I get it!" he shouted at the ground. "What I want most is my team back, but I can't get that if you keep pulling me away from them!"
They climbed higher into the clouds. Nothing fizzled.
****
The witch had locked him at the top of the tower. With a new pair of combat boots. Except for the part where they were bright red. And covered in sequins. And, really, about the worst things for trying to not be noticed by the enemy.
"You're getting the movie wrong," Jack muttered, trying to see if he could chip away at the stones around the window enough to jump out. "The witch wanted Dorothy to take the ruby slippers off, not put them on."
Nobody answered. It didn't surprise him.
Jack watched apprehensively as the last grains of sand drained from the hourglass and listened to the door creak open. "I told you, I'm not putting them on."
"Putting what on?" Daniel's voice asked. Jack turned to find, instead of the green-faced witch, Daniel in the uniform of one of the not-quite-human guards, tugging awkwardly at the weird coat they wore.
"These," Jack said, pointing to the decidedly non-regulation boots.
Daniel walked over and squatted down to pick a boot up and turn it over in his hands. "Not quite slippers," he muttered. "But I guess ruby slippers wouldn't quite be your style. Of course, they were supposed to be silver."
"Those wouldn't be either," Jack grumbled, flopping down on the bed. "Why haven't you gotten me out of here yet?"
"I...we don't think we can," Daniel said, looking pensively at the boot in his hands. "You're just going to have to find what you're looking for."
"This is ridiculous. Wizard of Oz? C'mon," Jack responded. "Whoever made this stupid thing never saw the movie."
"No, but you did. And Sam thinks your brain actually creates this world more than the device does."
That made Jack sit up. "You're kidding."
'"Nope." Daniel held out the boots. "Maybe you should at least try them on?"
"No!"
"Why not? Put them on, click your heels together, see if it gets you out."
"Right. No place like home," Jack grumbled, leaning over to unlace his own well-worn boots. At least the red ones were the right size when he slipped them on, and felt like he'd already broken them in. And looked ridiculous. "I look like a Christmas tree," Jack muttered, before standing up, closing his eyes, clicking his heels together three times and whispering, "there's no place like home," under his breath.
When he opened his eyes he wasn't in the castle anymore.
But Daniel wasn't there either.
And unless the planet had a suspiciously-familiar green city, he was still stuck in the damn headsucker. To add insult to injury, he'd left his boots behind.
*****
"So you just, jumped onto the Horse of a Different Color, broke down the door, and rode off?" Carter asked, smiling at the ground as they walked back to the 'gate.
"Yeah. The munchkin mob couldn't keep up," Jack explained, checking again that his boots were their usual scuffed-up black. "I must have confused the machine so much it had to spit me out."
"O'Neill, did you not find that which you most wanted?" Teal'c asked from their six.
"Unless what I want most had to do with the Stinky Cheese Man, not so much."
"Who is this Stinky Cheese Man?" Teal'c asked.
"It's from a children's book," Daniel explained. "He's a character who runs away from people."
"And you became this Stinky Cheese Man after you lost your boots?" Teal'c asked, and Jack turned around to glare when he heard Carter snicker, but she managed to look all too innocent.
"So maybe you learned something about yourself after all, Jack," Daniel laughed.
"I don't know, I was kinda hoping for the third arm. Could be useful," Jack said, walking a little faster.
Author: abyssinia4077
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Characters: Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, Sam Carter
Rating/Warning: PG (mild language)
Word Count: 1337
Author's Note: Wizard of Oz related crack!fic written in celebration of the 200th watcher of redial_the_gate
Summary: Jack finds himself stuck in a mindgame that's a little too familiar. Flying monkeys and red sequined combat boots don't make it better.
On the fourth day Jack gave up and shot the munchkin.
It was the 100th repetition of the lollipop song that made him snap. The little man with the freaky nose and the bright green overalls fizzled like static on an old tv set and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
When another one appeared five minutes later, this time in red polka-dot suspenders, Jack found the nearest tree to bang his head against.
It didn't help.
*****
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" A bell-like voice asked behind him as he was trying to decide which tree to climb for a better view.
Jack whirled around to find himself face to face with a woman in a long white dress out of some Disney movie.
"I've been telling you people, I'm not a..." Her forehead creased in puzzlement and he gave up. "Oh, for cryin', you know what? I am a witch. A very, very, very bad witch."
"Then you do not belong in munchkin land," she said, sounding sad as she raised her wand.
"No, no I don't," he snapped, belatedly bringing up his P-90 in a fruitless attempt to block her wand. The entire world dissolved into something bright and white and sparkly.
When he woke up he was back in the house with the black dog yipping at his feet. "You know, Toto, I never liked Kansas much."
*****
He was halfway through the poppy field when Daniel's voice called from the sky, "Jack?"
Jack turned around, but Daniel was nowhere to be seen. "Daniel?" he shouted, feeling like an idiot.
"You can hear me?" Daniel exclaimed. "Great, that's great."
"Yeah, real great. Can you get me out of here?"
"Um. Just a minute." Jack heard muttering, as though the clouds were talking, and then Daniel's voice came through again. "Ah, so it took several days for Sam to rig it so we can talk to you and...where are you?"
"Oz."
"Huh?"
"You know. Muchkins. Poppy fields. Flying monkeys. Dancing scarecrows. Emerald city," Jack shouted. "Oz."
"Weird. Okay, so from what I've been able to translate, the device is supposed to help someone learn about themselves or...find what they want most or...possibly grow a third arm. The language is a bit strange," Daniel told him.
"Peachy. So what if what I want is to get out of here?"
"Uh, I think you can't fool it that easily."
"Damnit, Daniel, just pull the plug."
"Uh, Colonel?" Carter's voice came through. "I think that would be a bad idea. We're not sure it wouldn't kill you."
"So how do I get out of this circus?" Jack asked. "Because if they sing to me about lollipops one more time..."
Which is when the giant, blue flying monkey swooped down and grabbed him. They always appeared when he let himself get distracted.
****
Teal'c had a shiny suit of armor and a pointy hat and an axe and, really, made a ridiculous looking tin-man. But the axe looked sharp enough that Jack thought he should keep that opinion to himself.
"C'mon, T, you have a heart," Jack told him, after using the oil can from under the apple tree.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, moving his axe-arm and grimacing (as much as Teal'c grimaced) at the squeak of old metal. "But I thought the axe might prove a valuable weapon. I have heard the flying monkeys can be dangerous."
Jack shrugged. "I've had worse. So, I assume Daniel is going to be the Lion? Because neither he nor Carter can fake not having a brain."
Teal'c looked askance at him.
"You know? The scarecrow? If I only had a brain?" Jack only barely stopped himself from singing it.
"That would not be necessary. Major Carter can only have one of us join you at a time. Now where is the road of yellow bricks?"
****
Jack watched the yellow road fade from bricks to a winding, tiny line as the damn monkey flew higher and higher. Teal'c was down there somewhere, maybe, unless Carter had pulled him out. "Okay. I get it!" he shouted at the ground. "What I want most is my team back, but I can't get that if you keep pulling me away from them!"
They climbed higher into the clouds. Nothing fizzled.
****
The witch had locked him at the top of the tower. With a new pair of combat boots. Except for the part where they were bright red. And covered in sequins. And, really, about the worst things for trying to not be noticed by the enemy.
"You're getting the movie wrong," Jack muttered, trying to see if he could chip away at the stones around the window enough to jump out. "The witch wanted Dorothy to take the ruby slippers off, not put them on."
Nobody answered. It didn't surprise him.
Jack watched apprehensively as the last grains of sand drained from the hourglass and listened to the door creak open. "I told you, I'm not putting them on."
"Putting what on?" Daniel's voice asked. Jack turned to find, instead of the green-faced witch, Daniel in the uniform of one of the not-quite-human guards, tugging awkwardly at the weird coat they wore.
"These," Jack said, pointing to the decidedly non-regulation boots.
Daniel walked over and squatted down to pick a boot up and turn it over in his hands. "Not quite slippers," he muttered. "But I guess ruby slippers wouldn't quite be your style. Of course, they were supposed to be silver."
"Those wouldn't be either," Jack grumbled, flopping down on the bed. "Why haven't you gotten me out of here yet?"
"I...we don't think we can," Daniel said, looking pensively at the boot in his hands. "You're just going to have to find what you're looking for."
"This is ridiculous. Wizard of Oz? C'mon," Jack responded. "Whoever made this stupid thing never saw the movie."
"No, but you did. And Sam thinks your brain actually creates this world more than the device does."
That made Jack sit up. "You're kidding."
'"Nope." Daniel held out the boots. "Maybe you should at least try them on?"
"No!"
"Why not? Put them on, click your heels together, see if it gets you out."
"Right. No place like home," Jack grumbled, leaning over to unlace his own well-worn boots. At least the red ones were the right size when he slipped them on, and felt like he'd already broken them in. And looked ridiculous. "I look like a Christmas tree," Jack muttered, before standing up, closing his eyes, clicking his heels together three times and whispering, "there's no place like home," under his breath.
When he opened his eyes he wasn't in the castle anymore.
But Daniel wasn't there either.
And unless the planet had a suspiciously-familiar green city, he was still stuck in the damn headsucker. To add insult to injury, he'd left his boots behind.
*****
"So you just, jumped onto the Horse of a Different Color, broke down the door, and rode off?" Carter asked, smiling at the ground as they walked back to the 'gate.
"Yeah. The munchkin mob couldn't keep up," Jack explained, checking again that his boots were their usual scuffed-up black. "I must have confused the machine so much it had to spit me out."
"O'Neill, did you not find that which you most wanted?" Teal'c asked from their six.
"Unless what I want most had to do with the Stinky Cheese Man, not so much."
"Who is this Stinky Cheese Man?" Teal'c asked.
"It's from a children's book," Daniel explained. "He's a character who runs away from people."
"And you became this Stinky Cheese Man after you lost your boots?" Teal'c asked, and Jack turned around to glare when he heard Carter snicker, but she managed to look all too innocent.
"So maybe you learned something about yourself after all, Jack," Daniel laughed.
"I don't know, I was kinda hoping for the third arm. Could be useful," Jack said, walking a little faster.