(no subject)
Why are people so ignorant...
I talked w/this girl today and she was all Did you get any money out of it? Meaning, the rape and trial. And i go no i didn't sue the school and she's all oh. I'm thinking what, i got raped but it's ok b/c now i'm rich???
This girl is thinking about who i was i guess when she knew me.
It was like she was saying, that b/c of how i was that ofcourse i would have gotten raped. Like it was something natural that was bound to happen. As if my personality, character, adittude; they all said hey rape me.
It's weird how no one really understands...like how hard trial really was...and i know its b/c they've never gone through it. I'm not saying that i think people should be raped, but i'm saying unless you have you wouldn't get it.
Some people think it happened, its over, move on...if only it was that simple. Don't they think that i would like too move on completely? I know that this will always be apart of me something again no one can relate to. And it's weird that those people would try and judge me. I hate that.
That girl was just so insensitive, no one has ever talked to me about my rape in such a cavalier way as her. It was also like she represented this whole group of people that i didn't even know existed. Peers that went to high school with me. Peers that i haven't met yet. In a way its like why should they understand, but not understanding and being a jackass are two different things.
I was thinking about what happened and it is like my body shut down during the rape. I'm sure it hurt getting beaten up and made to have violent forcibile sex, but at the time i didn't feel a thing.
It was like a dream, but it was actually happening.
But then once i was shoved out of his dorm room, and into the gawking eyes of his teammates, with the promise that we would have sex later that night and again tomorrow, it was like being doused with freezing cold water.
As if I all the sudden was woken up, had the life brought back to me. I could breathe, and everything that happened hit me full force. The air outside his dorm door was colder, felt different. During the actual rape I knew what was happening, don't get me wrong, but i was somehow outside of it.
And even then 3minutes later back in my dorm room...I was blaming myself. Thinking about what happened, and telling myself what i did wrong what i should have done. But at the time i could not have done anything more than i did. My body and mind had shut down, it's called survival mode, ya i said no repeadedly...yes i tried to fight him off, but all that i did i could not have done more...and if i had it would not changed things.
I need to remember this and stop blaming myself b/c at the time that i was being raped, i did all i could.
Yes looking back on it i see things...but at the time...i did what i could do to ensure i got out alive.
It is always easier to look back, on events with 20/20 hindsight and say what you could have done differently. But if you really think about it, at the time the event occurred honestly you could not have done anything differently. Sure you would have, but in reality you could not have
I talked w/this girl today and she was all Did you get any money out of it? Meaning, the rape and trial. And i go no i didn't sue the school and she's all oh. I'm thinking what, i got raped but it's ok b/c now i'm rich???
This girl is thinking about who i was i guess when she knew me.
It was like she was saying, that b/c of how i was that ofcourse i would have gotten raped. Like it was something natural that was bound to happen. As if my personality, character, adittude; they all said hey rape me.
It's weird how no one really understands...like how hard trial really was...and i know its b/c they've never gone through it. I'm not saying that i think people should be raped, but i'm saying unless you have you wouldn't get it.
Some people think it happened, its over, move on...if only it was that simple. Don't they think that i would like too move on completely? I know that this will always be apart of me something again no one can relate to. And it's weird that those people would try and judge me. I hate that.
That girl was just so insensitive, no one has ever talked to me about my rape in such a cavalier way as her. It was also like she represented this whole group of people that i didn't even know existed. Peers that went to high school with me. Peers that i haven't met yet. In a way its like why should they understand, but not understanding and being a jackass are two different things.
I was thinking about what happened and it is like my body shut down during the rape. I'm sure it hurt getting beaten up and made to have violent forcibile sex, but at the time i didn't feel a thing.
It was like a dream, but it was actually happening.
But then once i was shoved out of his dorm room, and into the gawking eyes of his teammates, with the promise that we would have sex later that night and again tomorrow, it was like being doused with freezing cold water.
As if I all the sudden was woken up, had the life brought back to me. I could breathe, and everything that happened hit me full force. The air outside his dorm door was colder, felt different. During the actual rape I knew what was happening, don't get me wrong, but i was somehow outside of it.
And even then 3minutes later back in my dorm room...I was blaming myself. Thinking about what happened, and telling myself what i did wrong what i should have done. But at the time i could not have done anything more than i did. My body and mind had shut down, it's called survival mode, ya i said no repeadedly...yes i tried to fight him off, but all that i did i could not have done more...and if i had it would not changed things.
I need to remember this and stop blaming myself b/c at the time that i was being raped, i did all i could.
Yes looking back on it i see things...but at the time...i did what i could do to ensure i got out alive.
It is always easier to look back, on events with 20/20 hindsight and say what you could have done differently. But if you really think about it, at the time the event occurred honestly you could not have done anything differently. Sure you would have, but in reality you could not have