PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Blame & The Queer Community

[emmassoldier]

X-posted to Queersurvivors

As per the title, this entry will probably contain more than a few potential triggers and some "adult" language so I'm going to place ALL of the entry behind a cut so as to avoid triggering anyone.  [This also sort of turned into a long pseudo-rage so that should be behind a cut as well]

Comments

[ashbowie]

I commend you for writing all of this out, that in and of itself proves that you are not crazy. You are self-aware, which is a very helpful thing in dealing with your abuse.

I agree with what has been said about channeling your negative energy into something positive. It sounds like you have a passion for helping children through circumstances such as yours and it would benefit you greatly to continue on this path.

I too have a lot of anger, I prefer to call it rage. It is buried so deep inside me that I am scarcely able to access it, but when I do, (it is usually under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol) it pours out in a tirade that I refer to as an episode, resulting in either me hurting myself or others. I have often used the metaphor of a poltergeist to explain how I feel to outsiders.

I also used to be very afraid of going crazy or that I was crazy and through therapy, I have come to let go of this idea. I used to feel that if I did go crazy that the man that molested me won, he succeeded in ruining my entire life. What I didn't know, was that by doing this, I was giving him way too much power over me.

I haven't written in this group in a long time and now having been made a moderator, I checked in and feel compelled to write about my progress over the past 8 years.